[terry1976]

What can he do to earn your trust back?

I don't know other than be faithful and don't want to be with anybody else. How does anyone wIn someone's trust back

[talaniman]

I don't know other than be faithful and don't want to be with anybody else. how does anyone wIn someone's trust back

He has done that hasn't he? Its you who won't let the past go and live in the now. Bet it feels like he cheated yesterday to you, and no amount of good behavior will ever satisfy you.

Did this start after your child was born, or has this been a solid 3 year thing?

[Alty]

I don't know other than be faithful and don't want to be with anybody else. how does anyone wIn someone's trust back

But how can he prove that he's being faithful? How can he prove that you're the only one he wants? Unless you follow him 24/7 you'll never know for sure that he's being faithful, and obviously you don't trust that he is, or will be.

You're setting him up for failure, because there's no way he can prove to you what you require him to prove in order to gain back your trust.

I can't imagine living his life right now, having your every move, your every text, every post on fb, everything you do, judged. I also can't imagine living your life, always on edge wondering if he's cheating, needing to check up on him, dissect everything he does.

Like I said before, this isn't a relationship, it's jail, and you're both prisoners. The only difference, you're both choosing to do time.

[terry1976]

He has done that hasn't he? Its you who won't let the past go and live in the now. Bet it feels like he cheated yesterday to you, and no amount of good behavior will ever satisfy you.

Did this start after your child was born, or has this been a solid 3 year thing?

A solid three year thing.

[Alty]

and I do agree it feels more like a prison in a relationship and that's pretty sad and I want my son to be happy too. I don't want this to affect my son and that's why I had told him I would leave but he gets angry when I say that and I don't want it to be worse because I leave and can't forgive him I don't want to live this life like I'm not going to forgive him ever and I don't know what to do I don't know how to forgive him or move on

First, I'd get a new counselor, one that can actually help you move forward instead of telling you he needs to earn back your trust and it can take time. Duh! If that's all it takes to be a counselor, sign me up, I could have told you that!

You need someone that's going to help you both figure out how to repair what's broken, how to move forward. That's my opinion.

I do understand where you're coming from. Like I said, if my husband ever cheated on me, it would be over. I know for a fact that I could never forgive him, that we could never ever get back what we had. But knowing that, I would not ever try. I wouldn't put myself through that, and I wouldn't put him through that either.

You chose a different path. You decided to stay with him. You can't hold the past over his head forever, that isn't fair. It's been 3 years! He made a mistake, and you chose to forgive him. That what you did when you stayed with him, and had a child with him.

But you never really forgave him. You wanted to be with him, you love him, you didn't want to let him go, so, to get what you want, you stayed with him, but you're making him pay for it every single day. Is that making you happy? Obviously not.

You're both miserable in this relationship. There are two reasons for this. One is that he cheated 3 years ago. Two is that you won't let it go. He can't change his mistake. You can.

[smearcase]

There are only three possibilities (in my opinion anyhow):
1) He wanted you to see it and knew it would cause a lot of grief and he wants to be rid of you. And he wasn't worried about losing his family and most of his assets.
2) He wasn't worried when you said that you would check his phone because he knew he had done nothing wrong and didn't even look through the phone. And further assuming that he may have been drinking when he sent that text and forgot it.
3) He's an idiot in every regard. Did it as the text said, forgot about it 100%, and didn't check his phone even though it would have been something pretty hard for a man to forget drinking or not.

Being a man myself and knowing how far men will go to be cool and funny with their friends, and there being no limit on how low humor can go in many cases that I have seen, I vote for #2 as the most likely.
But if he is a bad provider, a bad father etc- and this is the final straw, continue on your present course and end it as soon as possible.

[Alty]

I'm going to tell you a story, I'll try to keep it short, and I hope you'll read it. I think it might help.

I've been with my husband for 23 years, since we were both 19. We've been married 18 of those 23 years.

My husband had a bachelor party. He had it in the garage of the house we were going to live in when we got married (we both lived with our parents until then). His best man organized a bbq (which is what my husband wanted), alcohol, and friends. They were going to eat, drink, and have fun.

Well, the best man decided to hire a stripper. She came along when all the men were already good and drunk. The best man, in his stupidity (remember they were 23/24 years old then) decided to give my husband one last gift. He gave the hooker... I mean stripper, an extra $100 to have sex with him.

Well, I found out about all of this a few days before our wedding (the bachelor party was the weekend before). One of my husbands friends told me. He also told me that my husband told everyone to leave, then locked himself in the house. He was livid that his best friend, his best man, would jeopardize our relationship that way.

When I found out I hit the roof. Minutes after I was told the best man came over. I said things to him I've never ever uttered to a human being before, or since. I made him cry, I was that mad.

I have to admit, a part of my wondered if my husband really was that honorable, if he really did say no to the hooker, really did lock himself in the house. But, once my anger was gone, I thought about it, and I knew that my husband would never ever cheat on me. I gave him my trust, because I knew I could trust him.

Now, will I ever know for sure what happened that night? No. He could have lied, all the guys that were there could have lied, and they all told me the same thing, that he didn't have sex with this hooker. But, guys stick together. It's entirely possible that he could have slept with her. I doubt it, but it is possible.

We got married, the best man is still a good friend of ours, and not once have I ever mentioned his bachelor party. Why? I trust him! I wouldn't have married him, had two children with him, if I didn't trust him.

You spent 3 years with a man you don't trust, then you had a child with him! Why? I don't understand that. Why did you add a child to the mix if you can't and won't trust this man? You chose to stay with him! So either forgive him, or walk away. If you forgive him, you have to stop making both of your lives hell.

[terry1976]

There are only three possibilities (in my opinion anyhow):
1) He wanted you to see it and knew it would cause a lot of grief and he wants to be rid of you. And he wasn't worried about losing his family and most of his assets.
2) He wasn't worried when you said that you would check his phone because he knew he had done nothing wrong and didn't even look through the phone. And further assuming that he may have been drinking when he sent that text and forgot it.
3) He's an idiot in every regard. Did it as the text said, forgot about it 100%, and didn't check his phone even though it would have been something pretty hard for a man to forget drinking or not.

Being a man myself and knowing how far men will go to be cool and funny with their friends, and there being no limit on how low humor can go in many cases that I have seen, I vote for #2 as the most likely.
But if he is a bad provider, a bad father etc- and this is the final straw, continue on your present course and end it as soon as possible.

He's a good dad. And a good provider. I just want to trust him and I think that was a dumb thing to say I guess. Thanks for your in site it was very detailed and informative... god men can be so insensitive sometimes

[terry1976]

I'm going to tell you a story, I'll try to keep it short, and I hope you'll read it. I think it might help.

I've been with my husband for 23 years, since we were both 19. We've been married 18 of those 23 years.

My husband had a bachelor party. He had it in the garage of the house we were going to live in when we got married (we both lived with our parents until then). His best man organized a bbq (which is what my husband wanted), alcohol, and friends. They were going to eat, drink, and have fun.

Well, the best man decided to hire a stripper. She came along when all the men were already good and drunk. The best man, in his stupidity (remember they were 23/24 years old then) decided to give my husband one last gift. He gave the hooker....I mean stripper, an extra $100 to have sex with him.

Well, I found out about all of this a few days before our wedding (the bachelor party was the weekend before). One of my husbands friends told me. He also told me that my husband told everyone to leave, then locked himself in the house. He was livid that his best friend, his best man, would jeopardize our relationship that way.

When I found out I hit the roof. Minutes after I was told the best man came over. I said things to him I've never ever uttered to a human being before, or since. I made him cry, I was that mad.

I have to admit, a part of my wondered if my husband really was that honorable, if he really did say no to the hooker, really did lock himself in the house. But, once my anger was gone, I thought about it, and I knew that my husband would never ever cheat on me. I gave him my trust, because I knew I could trust him.

Now, will I ever know for sure what happened that night? No. He could have lied, all the guys that were there could have lied, and they all told me the same thing, that he didn't have sex with this hooker. But, guys stick together. It's entirely possible that he could have slept with her. I doubt it, but it is possible.

We got married, the best man is still a good friend of ours, and not once have I ever mentioned his bachelor party. Why? I trust him! I wouldn't have married him, had two children with him, if I didn't trust him.

You spent 3 years with a man you don't trust, then you had a child with him! Why? I don't understand that. Why did you add a child to the mix if you can't and won't trust this man? You chose to stay with him! So either forgive him, or walk away. If you forgive him, you have to stop making both of your lives hell.

Wow that's a crazy story and I'm impressed that you dealt with it well. I am going to work on this because there has to be a reason I have stayed this long and had his son. I LOVE this baby and want this family so badly... I need to figure it out

[Alty]

Wow that's a crazy story and I'm impressed that you dealt with it well. I am goin to work on this because there has to be a reason I have stayed this long and had his son. I LOVE this baby and want this family so badly.....I need to figure it out

Exactly. Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. There's a reason you stuck it out 3 years after he cheated, and had a child with him. It's time to figure out if you can forget the past, and give this man a chance to be your family.

You need to stop blaming him for what he did once, and figure out how to work on what kept you with him. You stayed for a reason. Is it reason enough to forgive, forget, and go forward? Is it reason enough to trust him again?