[JudyKayTee]

Yes, the "pregnant behind his back" issue is interesting, at best, and somehow this is the fault of the child? Unless someone the boyfriend's penis fell into the girlfriend's vagina this is flawed thinking.

And, yes, anyone jealous of a child's relationship with the child's father concerns me - this is going to get very, very painful for everyone.

(I'm a five times stepmother.)

[liliverona]

Thanks for the answer everyone. I guess the best is to withdraw before the results of the judge come. It has been a complicated relationship and I can't cooperate if he can't. And yes, if a woman says she feel jealous everyobody will throw " stones at her". It is a big tabu and I am not "allowed". I can change what I feel in my heart, but I can work with it and be a good "stepmother": I have tried my best every time, but if my love treats this as a game where he puts a picture of one of my future children one day, and when he behaves bad he replaces it with the son , for example, I will regret I made the choice of continuing with him. It is a dirty came and it disappointed me. Even though I am not a mother I have feeling, and I should be respected. Even though I am not his family of blood it doesn't justify that behaviour. If I do my best, I expect no less of him.

Any man that will use a child as a weapon just needs to be left, just move on and save yourself years of heart ache.

Thanks. It makes me react too, and think bad of him. I know my jealousy is not fine, and I hide it and try to deal with it, because I have to, so his move yesterday to hurt me on purpose didn't work the way he wanted. It just scares me. I am far from perfect, but I try to communicate. He can't seem to communicate or fight without making nasty moves which hurt everybody. I thought it was very low to bring up the kid to provoke and to try to get me jealous. I dissliked it so much. I guess some motherinstinct in me got me scared, and I think he stepped all over me at the same by taking advantage of the people who love him by trying to provoke something negative. If he loves his son he should not use him as a weapon, if he loves his son and he loves me he should help in a positive way and not to try to provoce conflicts. It is as they say in the houses where a new baby is born, never to put a big picture of the newborn without remembering to put up a similar picture of the kid that is already there. I am not a child, of course, but I opened up to him and communiacated my concerns to him in trust, not for him to use it against me in a dirty way. I think jealosy should be kept under control, it is a natural reaction when we fear we lose someone we love, but too much can be dangerous. But in a family you want everbody happy and to feel loved, not to look for a way to punish each other by hanging up and down pitures or erasing names from a trip, " divide et impere".

QUOTE by JudyKayTee;
This is not the only relationship issue involving the child, and I don't believe the OP is entirely blameless.

QUOTE by JudyKayTee;
Yes, the "pregnant behind his back" issue is interesting, at best, and somehow this is the fault of the child? Unless someone the boyfriend's penis fell into the girlfriend's vagina this is flawed thinking.

And, yes, anyone jealous of a child's relationship with the child's father concerns me - this is going to get very, very painful for everyone.

Thanks for the answer

The threads have been combined and the duplicate question has been removed.

Quote by J_9;
Now, although we are only getting one side of the story... yours, I see so many red flags in this relationship. I can promise you that it won't last. Better to get out now.

You are coming between a man and his son. Honey, blood is thicker than water and I can promise you that he will choose his son before he chooses you.

Personally, I have been in your boyfriend's shoes and this is not going to play out well for you. The best thing for you to do right now is to bow out of this relationship gracefully and let him reconnect with his child.

I had an ex over 20 years ago who acted the same way you seem to be, and my situation is similar to your boyfriend's. Notice I said "I had an EX".

You are jealous. It's plainly obvious to us outsiders. Is it normal? Yes, but your actions aren't.

Unfortunately for you, if you want this relationship to continue, you have to bow out until he has been reconnected to his child. You may have given up a lot, but you don't have a clue how hard it is to give up a child and then try to have a relationship with said child with a significant other in the way.

His weakness for his son won't make him "dump" you, but your jealousy towards his son WILL.

If I had a penny for every time I heard this, I would be a very rich woman. She didn't make herself get pregnant behind his back. He had the option to place his penis into her vagina knowing that there were consequences to those actions.

This relationship is very toxic. At this rate, I see you and him hurting this child more than you would be helping him by staying in this relationship.

[liliverona]

Can a sociopath feel love for his child? My ex has all the caracteristics, we broke up. He told me all the time that he loved me, but his behaviour never matched. His whole life was a lie. All the symptoms were present. What makes me doubt is that he told me how much he loved his child and he will fight her back. He says he cries in his sleep for the child. He seemed to protect and love it a lot when we were all the 3 together.

To explain why I think he is:

Well. Double life, living with the ex and fooling both for 1,5 years. Denied everything even though he got cought.
Sent messages to 2 other woman behind my back while I had just moved in and left my job to be with him.

He hit me 3 times when he was drunk on the hips because I did not want to sleep in his bed after he had humiliated my friend and forced me to pay the whole bill.
He locked himself in the car one time when I did not feel like having sex.
When I had a very bad infection and could not stand up he wanted sex with me. He even said he wanted to go out with my friends living me totally incapable in bed.

He locked me out in the garden at 4 am one morning.

He insulted me when drunk many time. He could change his personality totally and became pure mean.

He lied about how many times he had been to another country. I saw his passport
Later, actually the 2 he has ever had, and it said 4 times instead of 16 as he claimed.

He used the same strategy with the ex as he did with me over the last period. He cheated on her too with his prev ex and said she tried to split them. The same thing he said to me about the ex, mother of the child.

He would make up incredible lies that made so much sense that it was hard to see his actual life.

He has had 4 girfriends from 2005 to 2006. He kind of convinced me that it was not at the same time, but the letters I received from his ex tells me he dated more at the same time, but made her feel so special to him, and said so much nasty and bad things about them that she believed him.

He got kicked out of several schools.

He has had maybe 20-50 sexual partners.

He has pushed me.

He drives like a maniac when drunk and doesn't respect me when I tell him to slow down.

He is very moodie.

He broke 3 plates in anger because his sister asked him to turn down the volume one time.

He left me at a club in the lines of the bathroom. I came and did not find him. The purse I asked him to take care of was on the table with nobody looking after it. He had left me alone in that city at night and did not pick up. When he finally did he was in his bed sleeping.

His ex told me in the letter that she thought he was a sociopath before I had mentioned that it had crossed my mind too.

He fight with his sister and brother, they don't speak. The sister says to me he is not worth my time, and that he is a big liar. He has also done something very cruel that she doesn't want to tell me about to her, most likely about money.

He has gone bankrupt more than once.

He got fired for betraying the boss one time.

He borrowed money from me and from his ex, and I had to fight for 1,5 year to get the money back.

He is very charming when you meet him and has many friends. My mom adores him, but doesn't know that he has been verbally and fisically abusive towards me.

When he is drunk he can suddenly accuse me for having made out with guys almost in front of him and shout to me, even though I have only been to the bathroom. I have never cheated on him.

The ex said he was doing her, me and another girl at the same time. She found out about the girl by entering his messages and seeing pictures etc. He admitted it but said they never had sex, she said they did have sex and that he had talked about a future together.

He hacked my Facebook account to send messages from my Facebook to his own so he could show the ex that him and me never had anything going on. He deleted everything, but his ex showed it to me, and it matched the dates.
I thought he had been confused, chose to believe the best of him and took him back, but he gets aggressive, turns off his phone and hides when he drinks, he doesn't show up until next day saying the same type of storied he told his ex while he was sleeping with me. He throws things after me. He is less brutal now, but still very aggressive and threatoning. He told me he would die without me, but keeps doing the same that I have told him not to do. He sent messages behind my back and I found them on his phone. I don't know... but to me something is very wrong with the man.

He made me confused because in the normal life he could cook dinner, clean dishes, jog, work hard. When he worked he could work extremely much. He is very intense and doesn't take breaks, if I interrupt for a second he gets mad and doesn't answer. He could work for 13-14 hour in a day. He always tells how much better he is than his colleagues, but that I also do some times, so I don't think too much about it. He enters the office of his father with a plastic card, his father locks with key. He is very passionate and had high dreams about the future, but I got tired of trying to make him take one step at the time. He want it, and want it now. That's why he never gradutated, he started making money, lots of money. He did not save a penny and the company got bankrupt. He did not pay childsupport and the ex hates him so he doesn't see the child. I feel very sorry for him, but I don't understand his mind. Maybe he doesn't feel bad about himself at all, how can he if he fails on everybody all the time, and also pays the price time after time. He can be very sweet. We were like best friends, but when he does bad things it is so bad that I never recover. I can't trust a word of what he says and I get scared of him when he drinks. He drinks 1-3 times pr week, and always in excess. He can laugh about himself a bit. All in all, at first sight he seems normal, but he can be cruel. If I cry he can heng up the phone and tell me I am acting like a kid. Even though he disappeard and I try to talk to him about it. I cry because he is not willing to communicate, and he shouts. When I cry he shouts even more and calls me "nagging etc". It got to the point where I almost lost my mind, and I became the crazy one. All his prev girlfriends left him because of disappointments.

My ex cried for me because we were such a great match, we were never fighting. This guy made me go crazy, and we were fighting at least once a month pretty nasty.


These threads have been combined and edited for duplication.

[Wondergirl]

Why would you consider him a sociopath? That's pretty harsh. If he feels empathy and love, no he isn't one.

[liliverona]

I don't know... but to me something is very wrong with the man.

[Wondergirl]

No, not sociopath. Do you know anything about his parents or childhood or family life? I'd peg him as Borderline (few or no boundaries).

Borderline Personality Disorder

[odinn7]

I also have to wonder if he has a drinking problem causing all this? All those incidents you were nice enough to post for us twice... how many of them was he drunk during?

[liliverona]

His parents got divorced when he was a child. He went to a very nice private school, but was the "poor" one of the class. His father was irresponsable and cheated on the mother, he even got a child hidden with another woman. His mom drinks and gets aggressive when she drink, she has hit his sister one time and used to insult all of her kids, included my ex. His dad took him to a strip club when he was very young. His dad drinks, but is never violent. During the divorce process he had to live with his mom. He told me that what he felt about the divorce was a bit of excitement, because he would have 2 houses. But of course, he was a child, so good he saw the positve side of it. He did wet his bed as a kid. His mother worked very hard and left them at home at night many times to date men. His mother is loving and caring when sober which she most of the time has been. He said that as a grown up he wanted to buy everything he never got when he was a teenager, to make up for the poverty. As a teenager he moved back to the house of the dad because the dad had a new wife and the house was empty. He did whatever he wanted, had no rules. The mother lived alone with his sisters. He did not care to be around the mom and the sisters a lot even though they were 3 woman living in a pretty dangerous area alone. His friend were all party animals and womanizers. He still has the same friends and does a lot of the same things.

I also have to wonder if he has a drinking problem causing all this? All those incidents you were nice enough to post for us twice....how many of them was he drunk during?

He promissed to stop drinking one time after he disappeared for many days. Later I saw he had lied to me and been out drinking even though he told me he did not go to the party. A girl I know said she had seen him there drinking with his friends. I saw as well that he has been texting the one arranging the party telling her not to upload pics. I have told him he needs to understand the problem himself and what damages it has caused and that I will leave if he doesn't stop. He has become a bit better, but still aggressive. Sober he lies. The double life was going on for 1,5 year. The messages sent to the woman were sent by him sober. When he is sober he lies and flirts with woman, but drunk he is aggressive and nasty.

He also tells silly lies like " why dont you have my friend on facebook any more?" He can say- " She is a so I decided to delete her" Later I can talk to her, and she can say she was the one deleting him.
Small lies I could live with, but not the big lies.

[Wondergirl]

So where are you with this? He's now an ex, right?

[liliverona]

No, not sociopath. Do you know anything about his parents or childhood or family life? I'd peg him as Borderline (few or no boundaries).

Borderline Personality Disorder

What makes you think he is not? I chose to believe he was not, but got disappointed so many times. I had a feeling of him never feeling any guilt. He could laugh of me when I was almost collapsing in tears. He has really damaged me a lot and he knows that. It felt like if he was messing with my mind all the time. It was good for maybe 3 months, just some nast drunk fights. Then suddenly a new bad surprise about a woman or something. It was never just stable. Always a bad surprise to come. He put my life at risk several times. When sober he could just be very selfish. Let me carry the bags from the super market. Turn on the light and TV when I had a headache and ask me to go to the other room etc.

So where are you with this? He's now an ex, right?

He is an ex. I want to know if I have been with a sociopath. It would help me to understand what has been going on. I also wonder if he calls me and tells me he misses me, if he means it or if is it a lie.
I am just so full of questions. I spent many years of my life with him, and I feel so empty and used. From planning marriage 3 weeks ago and now it all fell apart again. I have changed a lot over the time and all my friends have been worried. I have flunked exams and become a nervous person. Lost friends and spent much time alone. I just try to find out what happened to move on.

[talaniman]

You have already had 6 years of crap from this fellow and will have many more years to come of his crap, unless you run like hell and get him out of your life, and keep it that way.

Combining your questions together shows only past, present, and future, misery and pain.

[Wondergirl]

It really doesn't matter what his mental situation was/is and what his diagnosis could be. That's not the point or the problem.

It's time for YOU to get past all of it and to get some counseling to help you do that.