[smoothy]

We don't work together just for the same company

If its at the same jobsite.. it still applies... a lot of the situations I referred to they didn't work with each other... but still in the same building is much too close... the proximity and the chatter when things turn sour is very toxic to either of your careers... and most of the cases I saw ended up so badly one or both ended up getting fired over the hijinks that went on as a result.

I can understand WHY people do it... (its easier than meeting someone outside the office) just that when things go bad and they usually do... they go really, REALLY bad.

[debheanic]

If its at the same jobsite..it still applies.....a lot of the situations I reffered to they didn't work with each other....but still in the same building is much too close....the proximity and the chatter when things turn sour is very toxic to either of your careers....and most of the cases I saw ended up so badly one or both ended up getting fired over the hijinks that went on as a result.

I can understand WHY people do it.....(its easier than meeting someone outside the office) just that when things go bad and they usually do....they go really, REALLY bad.

I understand what your saying but as were in residential work we work different days and in different houses our paths don't cross at work, we just met there x

[smoothy]

I understand what ur saying but as were in residential work we work different days and in different houses our paths don't cross at work, we just met there x

You got part of what I was saying... the other part being what your other co-workers know and what either or both of you say to others at the company...

Its not impossible to aviod a bad fallout.. but you both have to be able to let it drop and not talk to anyone else about anything related to this... if one talks then everone knows... and the temptation for the other to say something in defence becomes overwhelming... and what results usually effects the workplace... and that's when the real trouble starts.

You both need to walk away from this and not say anythign to anyone or its likely to end up getting ugly. It just gets much worse if you actually work near each other... and yes... that can be very entertaining and very ugly when that happens. I've seen world class meltdown and blowups over the years... IN the office. Once the police were actually called in.

[debheanic]

Oh dear.. well luckily neither of us have any close friends at work we would discuss this with.. work is kept well n truly out of the equation n luckily that's worked for us. No one evens knows our sexual orientations at work. So I don't think we have anything to worry about x

[smoothy]

Oh dear.. well luckily neither of us have any close friends at work we would discuss this with.. work is kept well n truely out of the equation n luckily that's worked for us. No one evens knows our sexual orientations at work. So I don't think we have anything to worry about x

You are a lucky one if you managed to pull that off... people usually talk enough with their coworkers many places that while they may not know everything they do know more than they should. At least the various places I have worked.

[dontknownuthin]

If I've learned anything in life it's to believe what people tell me about themselves and where they are at in a relationship. This woman has told you that she's "F...up" and has made clear that she's not ready for a serious committed relationship, nor does she feel capable of one. You have made clear that you want such a relationship. You're willing to not "call it that" but you want it anyway - you want to be with her more, have an "understanding" between the two of you - that IS a committed relationship, exactly what she told you she cannot offer.

I think you were on the right track when you decided to avoid her. I don't think you have to be nasty about it, but could tell her, "I have genuine feelings for you, and they are strong enough that I know I can't go on letting these feelings become stronger without a commitment. Since you aren't ready for a commitment, we need to part ways." It's a hard thing to do, but the right thing to do to avoid playing games. Maybe she will get counseling and work through her issues - she could come back when she's ready, if you're still available. Maybe she won't. In any case, you'll get out of the emotional torture of a dead-end relationship in which your feelings appear to continue to grow.

Sometimes we meet people at the wrong time, but if we recognize it and move on, it can be OK.

[debheanic]

Thank you I really appreciate your help.. I think your right, its just hard because when I do back off she doesn't let me go and will do everything to get my attention again. She wants me in her life, as more than friends, but without the commitment. Hard work!

[talaniman]

If you can't be text buddies and friends with benefits then stop being available for it. She doesn't want what you want, and the reasons are not relevant. Listen to your head, NOT your heart.

You do know that YOU allow and enable her behavior.

[debheanic]

Yeh I no I do.. because I love her,its not easy to let go of something when its everything u want

[talaniman]

Its not easy to keepyour dignity and self respect chasing someone who doesn't make you the priority you want them too, either.

[debheanic]

I guess so, but I'd rather lose that than the love of my life.. nevertheless I'm going to do it. Time to let go.. thanks

[Cat1864]

I guess so, but I'd rather lose that than the love of my life.. nevertheless I'm going to do it. Time to let go .. thanks

Deb, losing your self-respect and dignity means losing the qualities that make you the person you are. Over time you would begin to resent her and the relationship.

If she loves you, she loves the whole person you are. If she doesn't, then giving up your 'self' won't win her 'love'.

Good luck and if you need more advice about letting go and healing, all you have to do is add to this thread. We are still here.

[debheanic]

Aw that's lovely of you, its helped just being able to talk about it, even if its just online, you have all been helpful, and I'm going to really struggle with this, but il be sure to update should I need to.. thanks again