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    dntsay's Avatar
    dntsay Posts: 17, Reputation: 1
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    #21

    Oct 10, 2012, 11:34 PM
    I am certain that this is what I want.but what iwas trying to find out is if this is something she really wants. When I'm with her we talk about us and us and future but then she brings up that if there is ANY slight chance that it doesn't work out between us(realistically I'm just putting it out there)id still be there for you ill always care about you no matter what. That sentence was from a text she sent me after we had a discussion. What do you think about that.im trying to get some perspective on it.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,301, Reputation: 7692
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    #22

    Oct 10, 2012, 11:39 PM
    There are lots of reasons it will not work out.

    1. over 1/2 of all marriages in US end in divorce, ( this is just all marriages)

    2. in yours, the fact you are cousins will cause a lot of stress and stigma from people who find out. So there will be issues of people talking about you, stares, and more.
    So your relatonship is in higher risk.

    3. Her mom is controlling ( guessing) and this addes to issues.

    So yes, this relationship has many issues to cause it to fail, so the odds are greatly against you. Does not mean it will not work, if both sides want it to and will work at it.
    Sounds like she wants it to work, without issues, without problems, that is not going to happen
    J_9's Avatar
    J_9 Posts: 40,298, Reputation: 5646
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    #23

    Oct 10, 2012, 11:48 PM
    Only she can answer that. We can speculate. But we may be incorrect.

    My thought is that you came here foand have met nothing but resistance from everyone but her.

    I remember getting married for the first time back in the 80s. We were tested for not only STDs, but to see if we were blood relations. I realize things have changed since then.

    You have your mind made up. I don't know what more we can do for you.
    dntsay's Avatar
    dntsay Posts: 17, Reputation: 1
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    #24

    Oct 10, 2012, 11:54 PM
    1 that is true.people who do not work through the complications in a marriage divorce will happen that's no lie.

    2.the people who find out will be family from there on out we are not going to tell everyone about us they don't need to know.

    3 yes her mom is controlling I would say and only because she lets her.even though she told me that she has told her mother that she doesn't NEED her in her life anymore she WANTS her in her life.so that's where I keep going back and forth.

    Right there is always issues within a relationship I agree it is up to us to make it work but right now I feel that I have been giving it my all to make it work. And she wants to wait to tell her mom until certain things are done first.
    Enigma1999's Avatar
    Enigma1999 Posts: 2,223, Reputation: 1077
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    #25

    Oct 10, 2012, 11:55 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by dntsay View Post
    I am certain that this is what i want.but what iwas trying to find out is if this is something she really wants. when im with her we talk about us and us and future but then she brings up that if there is ANY slight chance that it doesnt work out between us(realistically im just putting it out there)id still be there for you ill always care about you no matter what. that sentence was from a txt she sent me after we had a discussion. what do you think about that.im trying to get some perspective on it.
    It could mean a couple of things. Either it means what it says, or she could be preparing you for the wrost case scenario. Perhaps you could ask her what the text meant.

    I am starting to wonder if you are more attatched than she is?

    Notice how I am not really taking the cousin factor into consideration anymore. That's because I am now focused on the realationship standpoint. In other words, let's just say hypothetically speaking that you two weren't cousins... you two seem to still have issues. There seems to be a lack of communication and some mixed signals here. Perhaps a little manipulation going on here as well. Not necessarily from you, but from her. Being cousins only adds to it.

    Have you ever been in love before, or is she the first?

    How long were you two dating before the L word came up? You fell hard and fast from my understanding.
    dntsay's Avatar
    dntsay Posts: 17, Reputation: 1
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    #26

    Oct 11, 2012, 12:00 AM
    I guess to she some light to try to let her know that why does it feel that I am the only one fighting for this relationship to work and make it happen?why is it when she say says that we have to take baby steps to see where this goes?That if her mom is not accepting of our relationship we both have to be OK with it.in which I am not I want her to fight and plead her case why were are good for each other.I feel like I don't get that.or is it just me?
    Enigma1999's Avatar
    Enigma1999 Posts: 2,223, Reputation: 1077
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    #27

    Oct 11, 2012, 12:00 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by dntsay View Post
    1 that is true.people who do not work through the complications in a marriage divorce will happen thats no lie.

    2.the people who find out will be family from there on out we are not going to tell everyone about us they dont need to know.

    3 yes her mom is controling i would say and only because she lets her.even though she told me that she has told her mother that she doesnt NEED her in her life anymore she WANTS her in her life.so thats where i keep going back and forth.

    right there is always issues within a relationship i agree it is up to us to make it work but right now i feel that i have been giving it my all to make it work. and she wants to wait to tell her mom until certain things are done first.
    That's because she is afraid of her mother's rejection. She needs her mother still. She doesn't want to rock the boat.

    If you are adamant about being with her, then don't continue to pressure her. This is a lot of stress for her, as it will be for you. To be able to come clean to the rest of the family.
    dntsay's Avatar
    dntsay Posts: 17, Reputation: 1
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    #28

    Oct 11, 2012, 12:08 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Enigma1999 View Post
    It could mean a couple of things. Either it means what it says, or she could be preparing you for the wrost case scenario. Perhaps you could ask her what the text meant.

    I am starting to wonder if you are more attatched than she is?

    Notice how I am not really taking the cousin factor into consideration anymore. That's because I am now focussed on the realationship standpoint. In other words, let's just say hypothetically speaking that you two weren't cousins...you two seem to still have issues. There seems to be a lack of communication and some mixed signals here. Perhaps a little manipulation going on here as well. Not necessarily from you, but from her. Being cousins only adds to it.

    Have you ever been in love before, or is she the first?

    How long were you two dating before the L word came up? You fell hard and fast from my understanding.
    She has had a bad past with her ex she has told me where she would work hard go to school work and still come home to make dinner and take care of her daughter and the house.she said to me that she was young and dumb when she made that decision and she has learned from that because they both said to each other that they love each other and that they would together for forever.

    Whenever there is a problem of concern we talk about it and work it out.whatever it maybe.

    I have been in love .I was with my girlfriend for 7-8 months and after 5 months of dating I told her that I love her and she loved me back it ended because she didn't appreciate the things I did for at all so I felt that she really didn't love me.and just using me and now my current girldfriend she appreaciates what I do for her because she reciprcates back to me. And because her ex didn't appreciate what she would do for him at all and she fell out of love with him.
    Enigma1999's Avatar
    Enigma1999 Posts: 2,223, Reputation: 1077
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    #29

    Oct 11, 2012, 12:09 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by dntsay View Post
    i guess to she some light to try to let her know that why does it feel that i am the only one fighting for this relationship to work and make it happen?why is it when she say says that we have to take baby steps to see where this goes?That if her mom is not accepting of our relationship we both have to be ok with it.in which i am not I want her to fight and plead her case why were are good for each other.i feel like i dont get that.or is it just me?
    I think you really need to reassess the situation.

    I will make this blanket statement here. Women don't like to be pressured or have a time table. Now, I say that to you about not only your cousin, but women in general.

    Look, I am not trying to be judgmental here. I believe you have the right to love who you want. Would I ever engage in a relationship with a family member? No. But to each his own. You two are both grown adults who make your own decisions.

    Bottom line is I think you need to take a step back and maybe stop communication with her for a while. Even if it's just to see her reaction.

    You will not like this advice. Sorry for that.

    Quote Originally Posted by dntsay View Post
    she has had a bad past with her ex she has told me where she would work hard go to school work and still come home to make dinner and take care of her daughter and the house.she said to me that she was young and dumb when she made that decision and she has learned from that because they both said to each other that they love each other and that they would together for forever.

    whenever there is a problem of concern we talk about it and and work it out.whatever it maybe.

    I have been in love .i was with my girlfriend for 7-8 months and after 5 months of dating i told her that i love her and she loved me back it ended because she didnt appreciate the things i did for at all so i felt that she really didnt love me.and just using me and now my current girldfriend she appreaciates what i do for her because she reciprcates back to me. and because her ex didnt appreciate what she would do for him at all and she fell out of love with him.
    Fair enough.

    But do you think the reason why she wants to take it slow is because deep down she feels guilty that you two are related?
    dntsay's Avatar
    dntsay Posts: 17, Reputation: 1
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    #30

    Oct 11, 2012, 12:14 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Enigma1999 View Post
    That's because she is afraid of her mother's rejection. She needs her mother still. She doesn't want to rock the boat.

    If you are adamant about being with her, then don't continue to pressure her. This is a lot of stress for her, as it will be for you. To be able to come clean to the rest of the family.
    Yeah I agree with that.and she has told me that she is slowly introducing my name here and there to get her use of hearing my name. I'm not pressuring her at all I feel the complete opposite sometimes.

    Quote Originally Posted by Enigma1999 View Post
    I think you really need to reassess the situation.

    I will make this blanket statement here. Women don't like to be pressured or have a time table. Now, I say that to you about not only your cousin, but women in general.

    Look, I am not trying to be judgmental here. I believe you have the right to love who you want. Would I ever engage in a relationship with a family member? No. But to each his own. You two are both grown adults who make your own decisions.

    Bottom line is I think you need to take a step back and maybe stop communication with her for a while. Even if it's just to see her reaction.

    You will not like this advice. Sorry for that.
    I know that much and she has told me that she doesn't like to be pressured or rushed and I agree with that. Yeah I don't know if that would be a wise situation. But I could definite pull back on the txting through the day.

    Quote Originally Posted by Enigma1999 View Post
    Fair enough.

    But do you think the reason why she wants to take it slow is because deep down she feels guilty that you two are related?
    Well you see I have asked her about her feeling guilty.if she has any guilt about us whatesoever and she replied no she doesn't and she asked me the same and I do not honestly I don't.
    Enigma1999's Avatar
    Enigma1999 Posts: 2,223, Reputation: 1077
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    #31

    Oct 11, 2012, 09:56 AM
    This is a lot to think about. This is a touchy subject for some, and this most likely will affect your family. So be prepared for judgment along with family memebers who just absolutely don't approve of this. Also be prepared that she might end the relationship with you because of her mother not agreeing with this.

    For now, I would just keep your distance from her.

    I know this may sound harsh, but this may just be a faze. You should try dating other women and seeing what else is out there.

    I get the fact that you are love her, but she is taking her time with this, and I bet that if you two weren't related, she would have jumped on this opportunity.

    You seem like a nice guy who just happened to fall for someone that you had no intentions on doing so.

    She knows that, and deep down, I believe you do too.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,325, Reputation: 10855
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    #32

    Oct 11, 2012, 10:39 AM
    I seriously doubt if you could pass a blood test for a marriage license no matter the love feelings from you both. And if her mother doesn't agree she WILL drop you like a hot potato and move on. She said so, while you will be hurt, and willing to fight for something that ain't happening.

    My advice is protect yourself and weigh the FACTS you already have against the feelings. Lust fades love grows and things do change and I feel that will happen here beyond a doubt. I really feel that she loves the attention and hope and distraction you provide, and you love the having some one to attend and say the words to each other, and that's fine in the beginning, but as others have said, when reality sets in, words mean NOTHING!!

    This is clearly a dead end street, since the unknown quantity, HER MOTHER knows nothing and you have no clue how that works. But you do know for a fact the final decision is moms, and to speculate beyond that is naïve, and foolish, until you know what she says.

    I mean if after a bad experience, to think MOM will embrace the next grand daughter as being a product of FIRST cousins, is a BIG stretch you better recognize. No matter what plans you two make.

    On some level you know this, and are not as blinded by "LOVE" as we think you are since you are asking questions, and we all know the difficulty of removing yourself completely from this situation because the odds of success in the long run are SLIM, and NONE.

    Sorry that's just my take on this and forgive my directness in this matter but you are sentencing any offspring you have with her to a life of isolation and segregation from very important family ties.

    And that's NOT fair or a sign of LOVE! Follow your head on this NOT your heart.
    Bluntress's Avatar
    Bluntress Posts: 8, Reputation: 2
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    #33

    Oct 11, 2012, 10:59 AM
    I think you should take the advice others have given you. I won't repeat what they have said, but here is some food for thought.

    I met a lesbian who told me that she has been dating her cousin for about three years and that her cousin will be moving in with her soon and she's having second thoughts. I told her this, "You do know that if you break up with her, she's still family."

    My point is, personal relationships are messy enough, why drag family into it. You're still young and I seriously doubt your cousin is the only love of your life. You are capable of loving anyone, you don't have to choose her especially since she only chooses you in certain circumstances. Also, you should use this opportunity to break things off before anyone finds out. You'll get over her and there are plenty of non-relatives to date with which you can break up with no strings attached.
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    sassymsk Posts: 13, Reputation: 1
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    #34

    Oct 17, 2012, 01:32 AM
    In my family they try to persuade me to marry a cousin.. Hmm anyway all I will say is that you are both adults. I think she wants you to be financially independent as after her mum is aware she feels she won't get much support. Talk to her and see were your relationship stands and do what is necessary. If she is committed 100% then there should be any other terms and conditions. Hiding your relation is not a good thing because if you family find out themselves it would be a problem. Best thing to do is talk to both side of the family and then get married. Surely they would support your happiness...
    Enigma1999's Avatar
    Enigma1999 Posts: 2,223, Reputation: 1077
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    #35

    Oct 17, 2012, 05:36 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by sassymsk View Post
    In my family they try to persuade me to marry a cousin.. Hmm anyways all i will say is that you are both adults. I think she wants you to be financially independent as after her mum is aware she feels she wont get much support. Talk to her and see were your relationship stands and do what is necessary. If she is committed 100% then there should be any other terms and conditions. Hiding your relation is not a good thing because if you family find out themselves it would be a problem. Best thing to do is talk to both side of the family and then get married. Surely they would support your happiness...
    Have to ask...

    Are you OK with that... to be with your cousin?

    What location are you in?
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    sassymsk Posts: 13, Reputation: 1
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    #36

    Oct 17, 2012, 02:15 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Enigma1999 View Post
    Have to ask...

    Are you ok with that...to be with your cousin?

    What location are you in?
    Its not my preference, some in my family are always trying to hook me up with my cousins, one got married a month ago and I was like phew... N den suddently my aunt raised da topic of me getting married to cousins younger brother... Actually I already like someone who thank god has nufin to do with my family but as they don't know that they won't stop trying. I am in south England.

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