[Chrono180]

I will do that. Thank you for all the advice. I really appreciate it. Do you have any other tips?

[Chrono180]

And yes, I threw a lot of tantrums as a kid. It got a lot better when I was put on my medication though. And yes, I can get upset or angry, though I try very hard to minimize it when I am with other people. Occasionally I mess up, but that usually doesn't happen too often

[Wondergirl]

I don't know what access you have to TV. On Thursday evenings at 7 my time (Central), there's a sitcom call Big Bang Theory. Sheldon Cooper, the main character, has Asperger's. Watch it this week, if you get a chance.

[Chrono180]

I've seen a bit of big bang theory, didn't find it funny at all. Sorry, just not my kind of show

[Wondergirl]

Interesting. My autistic son loves it. I thought you and I could discuss Sheldon's manner and what he could change about himself. Oh, well.

The counselor might be your best chance to figure out if you're doing something wrong, so we'll put our money on her.

[Chrono180]

Indeed. If I post to this thread in the future with questions, will you get a notification?

[Wondergirl]

It will show up on my list of "subscribed to" questions. I'm retired now and will be here watching for you to show up. Meanwhile identify one specific thing about yourself you think should be worked on. We'll talk about that next time we meet.

[Chrono180]

I think the thing I should work on is accepting myself, and by extension my current status. I have a *lot* of guilt regarding the fact I was an uncontrollable hellraiser for the first 15 year of my life due to the fact my autism prevented any impulse control. I'd like to be able to forgive myself, but I honestly don't know how.

[Wondergirl]

You HAVE forgiven yourself. You ARE sorry for how things used to be. You ARE happy solutions were found.

Rather than turn this into a cognitive exercise in futility with the constant need to relive the past that you couldn't control and beat yourself up over it, why not start from here and go forward into the future that you CAN control? By NOT behaving as a hellraiser now, you are erasing memories of what you used to be like plus are presenting a new you who is much more lovable and easy to get along with.

So how can you act now to counteract the image of the hellraiser you used to be?

[Chrono180]

I wouldn't sat I've forgiven myself, as I still turn my past actions over and over in my head and wish I could've done things differently. I just can't seem to let go. I act a lot better now, trying to help people out and act a lot more patient, but I feel that if I let go of the past I will forget the lessons I learned from my suffering. Not that I know how to let go anyway, its not something I can just turn on or off like a faucet or lightswitch.

[Wondergirl]

You were a victim of a genetic condition in the past and were not deliberately causing the problems you had. I hereby give you permission to let go.

The very fact that you are looking for help, have found this site and are asking for advice, shows that you are trying to move forward. You certainly do not sound like the kind of person who enjoys wallowing in the mud of the past, and it seems like you want to improve your life and make things better.

[Chrono180]

I definitely don't enjoy it, but I worry that if I don't keep beating myself up I would make the mistakes over again.

Some people have suggested finding girlfriends would be easier if I didn't care so much, that if I was more accepting towards my single status I wouldn't seem so desperate. Problem is, I am a very social person and the fact I have barely any friends just kills me. Do you know how I can deal better at being alone?

[Wondergirl]

You won't make the mistakes you did when younger because you are an entirely different person now--more mature, more aware of yourself, taking meds that smooth out your temperament, and swimming in an entirely different pool.

That's why I asked you about hobbies. If you like chess, find people who play chess. If you like to cook and bake, find people who want to do that sort of thing in their spare time. Join the drama group and act in some plays or do scenery or makeup or be an understudy. In college, there should be a wealth of possibilities for you!

[Wondergirl]

Another thought. Are you upfront about the Asperger's? Joel was new to my writers' group and didn't want to tell anyone he has Asperger's. I figured it out right away but didn't say anything (of course). Everyone knew something was going on with him, but just couldn't put their finger on it. I talked with him privately and encouraged him to "confess" so the group could maintain its integrity (we have members with all sorts of disabilities, are from a variety of cultures, etc. and have eagerly shared this information)--so in his next story that he read to the group, his main character had Asperger's, and then Joel told everyone at the end that he does too. Immediate relief washed over faces. After talking about it and answering some questions, he was accepted by the group and has become an important part of it.

When do you see the counselor you talked about? This might be something to run past her, that you unabashedly and forthrightly talk about Asperger's. There's so much in the news about it lately anyway, so you would be doing a public service too.

[Chrono180]

Possibly, thing is, most of my hobbies (video games, comic books, magic the gathering) are almost entirely composed of males. There are hardly any girls who do this kind of stuff. I've considered trying something new, but I really have no idea what I'd like. And every time I try something and it doesn't work out I either feel awful for giving up or feel awful for having wasted my time.

[Chrono180]

I am completely honest when I meet people, and I usually bring up aspergers early. Though it doesn't seem to do me any favors. I see my counselor in a week, but I am not quite sure what you say I should bring up.

[Wondergirl]

I feel like flying out there (wherever you are) and mentoring you.

When do you see the counselor?

[Chrono180]

I really think that's a kind thing to say. I know your probably not serious but I appreciate the thought. I see my counselor on Tuesday at 2:00. I am planning on asking her about any body language I may be doing that may be putting people off. Possibly other things too, not sure what.

[Wondergirl]

I'd CALL you if I weren't restrained by the rules of the site. What you are experiencing is a VERY important part of being an Aspie--finding acceptance by the "normals."

Have you ever participated on an Aspie chat board?

[Chrono180]

No I haven't. I don't do very many message boards to be honest.

I really would like a call... Perhaps if you could e-mail me at >email address removed< I could send you my phone number through email. Nobody has to know.