[Fr_Chuck]

Yes, I am married for example to a much younger women, who was a college cheer leader , so one can say all that a old man like myself would ever want. But even I like to look at a photo or the such of others just to look. And that is all it is looking he will do that in one way or another, mens mind wander and think of sex all the time, They are visual creatures. His looking at photos or films has nothing to do with you, has nothing to do with desires for you. It is just something they do. So try allowing him to do it, with you, and not have to hide it, and allow him the chance to be honest about it, and he will respect you more and you can know what he is doing more

[Kim_x]

If we were to use it together as a couple this would not bother me. It's the thought of him being alone looking at these girls when he could have me! It just lowers my confidence.

[Cat1864]

He may believe the promises he gives you. He may have every intention to stop looking at porn, but the thing is that porn is a small part the erotica that is out there.

I highly doubt he will stop masturbating. Most humans masturbate. Most humans (male and female) also use some form of erotica (aka: masturbatory aid.) It is not a stretch of the imagination that he will go from having thoughts and memories to looking at pictures and finally back to videos someday-probably not today or this week, but someday.

We have had questions posted about men who promised to stop and did for weeks or months until they were 'caught' looking again. The women felt like they had been lied to and betrayed. Usually it is their own desire to have things their way that is what causes the 'betrayal'.

You can't be lied to or betrayed if you don't accept his promises. Keep open and honest communication with him.

As you gain security in yourself and the relationship, you will understand that what he looks at for quick release is not what he is looking for in his arms and bed.

I'll tell you this. I met my husband about 27 years ago. He has always looked at porn/erotica and masturbated. But you know what, never once have I ever felt like it meant more to him than me. The women in the videos and magazines have never been a rival. Reality has always been better than any fantasy even the ones we share.

I hope you can find a compromise that works long term for both of you. Good luck.

[Cat1864]

If we were to use it together as a couple this would not bother me. It's the thought of him being alone looking at these girls when he could have me! It just lowers my confidence.

It lowers your confidence because you allow it to affect you.

You said that you have a great sex-life with him or you did before you knew about the porn. Other than knowing where he gets some of his ideas, what has changed? Isn't he still the man you love and want? Aren't you still the woman he loves and wants?

Confidence in yourself doesn't come from him. It comes from inside you. You have to know and believe that you are the sexiest woman alive. The erotica is nothing compared to you. If you believe it, you won't care about him getting a quick release every now and then.

Do you masturbate? It can be a very good way to show yourself how sexy you think you are. 'Me' time can be a way to reinforce how you see yourself. 'Me' time is all about satisfying your own needs without worry about someone else's needs or thoughts.

Believe that you are sexy and confident and you will be no matter what anyone else thinks.

[Kim_x]

Yes he is still the man I love and want. That's why I'm trying to understand all this. But what I'm scared of is that I'm not the woman he really wants, and the girls in the porn are who he wants. We sat down and had a calm talk last night and I told him I don't want any more lies. If he wants or needs to continue to watch porn that is something I will have to deal with but I told him I'm not willing to be lied to. And he told me he is going to stop the porn. I don't know where to go now? I've tried compromising but he insists on promising it won't happen again. This is why I'm so confused. Do I believe the man I have been with the past year and a half or do I believe the advice I read on here.

[JoeCanada76]

Like I said in an earlier post.

These insecurities are coming from you. They have nothing to do with him.

Yet you are making it his problem.

You need to work on yourself esteem issues and your insecurities or you will never have a peaceful relationship or life for that matter.

Your sitting here accusing him of lying. What is up with that? Why are you doing this to him? You really are your own worse enemy.

You continually accuse him of lying. Whether it was calm talk or not. You making such a big issue out of this. You are literally forcing him to lie to you to keep the piece. If he is lying or did lie. You have yourself to blame.

I am not sure what is going to get through your thick head that you are causing these relationship issues by constantly questioning him.

Maybe eventually after going through how many relationships maybe it will clue in. I do hope that you yourself will receive some counseling because you defiantly need help with these emotions and fears and find out exactly where they are coming from. They are not from him or any activity or any lie you think he might be telling you.

Stop accusing the poor guy. You will drive yourself crazy which you are already doing and you will push him into finally ending the relationship because of your unrealistic fears and accusing him of lying all the time.

I honestly think you need to get out of this relationship because you are not mature enough to be in one until you fix yourself up.

Good luck with everything. Sorry if this sounds harsh but it's the truth.

[Kim_x]

There is absolutely no need for you to the nasty like that. He lied to me to begin with about the porn so that is where my insecurities are coming from him lying again! I am all welcome to the everyone's opinions on this matter but do not insult me by calling me thick, you do not know me on a personal level and you have no right to judge me. I am perfectly mature enough to be in this relationship, again you do not know me on a personal level. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, everyone is entitled to agree or disagree with anything I say or anyone else says. But I am not going to sit here and be told I am thick. I have not insulted you so do not insult me. I find it very rude and uncalled for. Thanks.

[smoothy]

There is absolutely no need for you to the nasty like that. He lied to me to begin with about the porn so that is where my insecurities are coming from him lying again! I am all welcome to the everyone's opinions on this matter but do not insult me by calling me thick, you do not know me on a personal level and you have no right to judge me. I am perfectly mature enough to be in this relationship, again you do not know me on a personal level. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, everyone is entitled to agree or disagree with anything I say or anyone else says. But I am not going to sit here and be told I am thick. I have not insulted you so do not insult me. I find it very rude and uncalled for. Thanks.

He's not making you "insecure". YOU are doing that yourself. YOU are responsible for yourself.

If he suddenly started blaming you for not being like Pamela Anderson... and its making him feel bad. Would that be your fault or his? How is that any different?

[Kim_x]

Yea kl. Anyway thank you everyone for your advice!

[JoeCanada76]

There is absolutely no need for you to the nasty like that. He lied to me to begin with about the porn so that is where my insecurities are coming from him lying again! I am all welcome to the everyone's opinions on this matter but do not insult me by calling me thick, you do not know me on a personal level and you have no right to judge me. I am perfectly mature enough to be in this relationship, again you do not know me on a personal level. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, everyone is entitled to agree or disagree with anything I say or anyone else says. But I am not going to sit here and be told I am thick. I have not insulted you so do not insult me. I find it very rude and uncalled for. Thanks.

There was no nastiness. See that is where you pick apart one word, take it out of context and beat it to death. You are doing the same thing to your boyfriend.

You did not read a word anybody wrote in this thread of yours. Your title of the thread is Is my boyfriend lying about why he goes on porn? Now your saying he was lying to you. When he was not. Your very confused.

Now seek out counseling for yourself. Your own insecurities come from yourself but I think people have been saying that through out the whole thread including yourself.

Do yourself a favor and stop accusing the boyfriend of lying. Do yourself a favor and seek out individual counseling for yourself.
Do yourself a favor and wake up and stop accusing this guy and making this such a huge issue in this relationship.

I am starting to think that maybe it does not matter what relationship you are in. You will find something wrong in it. Blame the other party completely so some how you can get out of a commitment. There are more issues then one with you. Maybe commitment is one of them.

As far as the word thick that you took out of context again. I was not calling you thick. I was stating that what will it take to get through your thick head, your being stubborn and your not helping yourself by blaming somebody else for Your own INSECURITIES, that are not caused by anybody else except for yourself. Work on these issues and you mind find peace in any future relationship you are in.

The way things are going, do not think it will last long. Hope I get proven wrong.

[Kim_x]

Yes you will get proven wrong :)

[Cat1864]

Kim, he probably believes what he is telling you and has every intention of following through. The problem is that it is a very difficult promise to keep and it will not build trust.

From what I have seen, most women who accept promises that their boyfriend/husband will give up porn and/or masturbation tend to become insecure about whether the male is actually keeping up with the 'promise'. They start snooping in a effort to get evidence that backs up their belief and it is ends up destroying what trust is there. Then when they find what they believe to be proof of a broken promise, they feel betrayed and lied to even if the 'proof' wasn't what they thought it was. Some even start becoming insecure about mainstream actresses, sports figures, etc. Others start accusing their men of being interested in the waitress or woman at the grocery store.

Tell him that you believe and trust him about wanting to stop using porn, but you also understand that he may not be able to keep a promise along those lines. By not holding him to the promise, you keep the lines of communication open and give him the ability to be honest with you about his needs without either of you feeling like he is betraying your trust or lying to you.

Something to keep in mind is that the women in porn videos are characters (even those in so-called amateur porn). They are no different than characters in any other form of entertainment. Erotica is there to stir up arousal in the same way that Horror stirs fear or Drama causes tears. Have you ever been moved by a romance? Does it mean that you want the characters in the book/movie or that you were momentarily letting reality go and fantasy to pull you in?