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vanheart · Aug 27, 2011, 06:50 PM

Cat makes a good point. It takes 2.

I agree w/Tal. More info. Why did you guys get married?

Have you asked him?

Or yourself?

My guess is that his behavior has been going on.
You bagged a player that doesn't want to settle.

Neither one of you are ready.

This is either going to require some serious work, or no go.

If he is a true narcissist, Im not sure why he would be into getting married. Unless he knows how much he can put a hurting on you & escape, with zero conscious.

Could be exactly what he's doing. Sometimes you don't know, they can be clever. But you can be smarter.

What it sounds like to me is that you are fed up.
Good for you.
Is this worth it? For you. Are you happy? Trust him?

If I were you. I wouldn't put too much effort into this.
I would get some marriage council & law advice.

Hunny11 · Sep 19, 2011, 02:53 PM

My husband told me the story of his ex and that he was really in love with her... They dated for almost 2 years and were supposed to get married but she called the wedding off !

But now he tells me that he really regrets having that relationship, it was a big mistake and a waste of time and wishes to take that two years back if he could !

I don't get him... I feel as if he still has feelings for his ex even though he swore that he didn't...

What is he saying

Cat1864 · Sep 19, 2011, 03:43 PM

Hunny, he may be so tired of dealing with your insecurity over his past that he now regrets that he has a past. How better to make you happy than to have never done anything (even before meeting you) to upset you?

Is he keeping the past alive or are you? If you are then why? Why torture yourself?

I am trying very hard to understand where all of this insecurity comes from. Can you help me understand?

Fr_Chuck · Sep 19, 2011, 03:47 PM

It means he can see that his time was wasted in the relationship.
But honestly ask him what he means. But then why does it matter to you, old relationships are mentioned and talked about at times, not dwelt on.

Why does it matter to you what he means really, he was rambling about a old girlfriend, You had old boyfriends correct, You thought you really loved them at the time ?

Why were you talking about it, so bought this up, you are he ?

Fr_Chuck · Sep 19, 2011, 04:08 PM

Some of the last answers will seem incomplete at this point, I did not know there was several threads about basically the same subject. I have merged them.

Please do not start new threads to cover the same subject, posters will not know an entire story that way.

Hunny11 · Sep 19, 2011, 04:10 PM

Cat1864

All of this insecurity is coming from the little experience I have with men... I've always had male friends but never had a solid relationship till now. The insecurity is coming from the fact that my husband told me that he was deeply in love with her, he told me that she was super beautiful, told me that she ended it and that he gave her a chance after another for her to stay although she didn't deserve it and the fact that I can sense it in his shivering voice and uncomfortable body whenever I asked a question about her...

The truth is he opened the subject once just to be honest about everything before we got married but then I got so obsessed with the subject and kept asking about it. He's been so patient with me I know but he's not comforting me.

I know he loves me so much and I love him too but he's the worst communicator when it comes to talking about feelings... I know I am insecure I even hate looking at myself in the mirror.

The weird part is I know I am beautiful and appealing, I know and I get compliments all the time but I still feel that she was more appealing to him than I am, she probably was but I don't know why is it effecting me that much. It's not like I didn't know that there are many more beautiful women than me, I've always knew it, accepted it and didn't really care but why now!!

talaniman · Sep 19, 2011, 04:22 PM

Because you are so scared you can't relax and enjoy what you have. That's so sad about all that wasted time and energy you could be putting to positive actions to make this a great experience.

Fear will drive you crazy, smile and make love and tell your stupid fear to leave you alone.

You must have had a rough life before meeting him huh?

Cat1864 · Sep 19, 2011, 05:24 PM

Thank you for responding, Hunny.

Would you be willing to look into counseling as a way to work through your insecurities?

So he loved her and thought she was beautiful... on the outside. It sounds like on the inside she was nowhere close to even being pretty. Yes, he carried the memory of what he wished she was until he found someone who I am betting he thinks is as beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside. He replaced a fake gemstone with a real diamond.

If you can learn to be secure in how you think of yourself, I think you will see why he married you.

Hunny11 · Sep 20, 2011, 04:48 AM

talaniman, to be honest with you I was living a very spoiled life. I am the eldest in my family so my parents never said no to anything I wanted, till this day they provide me with anything I needed and make me feel so safe. That's why it was hard for me to move away from them maybe that's causing part of my insecurities, I don't feel as safe as I used to when I used to live with my family in he same country.

Cat1864, I am willing to go for counseling, I know I need it but the problem is I don't know where to start... I recently moved to Dubai and still not familiar with the area but I definitely would consider counseling

Cat1864 · Sep 20, 2011, 06:09 AM

I did a quick search of counseling services in the Dubai area. There appear to be several listed. I won't give the list that came up for me because you should be able to get a better list with your own search engines. I suggest checking your local telephone listings for names, websites, and reviews.

Keep in mind that it may take trying a couple of different counselors to find one who 'fits' with you. Just keep an open mind and give each one a chance.

Is your husband from Dubai? Does he have family in the area or friends?

If you just moved there, do you have any interests that help occupy your time and keep you from being solely dependent on your husband for all of your support?

If you moved there for his work, do you know if there are other spouses who meet up to help each other adapt to living in a new place?

Making friends and finding things to do that help build your self-confidence can go a long way toward helping reduce your insecurity. They can also give you new subjects to talk about with your husband and to tell your family. If you enjoy writing, you might even think about starting a newsletter or blog about your 'adventures'.

Would it help you to look around this website, AMHD, and see if here are any questions you might be able to answer? We have a wide variety of subjects from relationships to hobbies or even everyday needs like cooking.

talaniman · Sep 20, 2011, 01:24 PM

You need to have some self confidence to balance all that fear. That takes time and accomplishment. You are in a learning transition, having no real experience to making adjustments on your own. A trusted older female to talk to can help greatly. How about your mom? Can you talk to her about your fears, an aunt maybe?