[talaniman]

Your hurt because you gave so much, and got so little in return, your human and cared, that's good.

[chuff]

I am in shock and sometimes denial that he is someone that I spent 8 years with turned into someone that i dont really know at all.

People change, especially after 8 years. The someone you knew 8 or even 4 years ago is not the same person he is today. Some people strive to get better, some don't get anywhere, and most get better then get knocked down. You're here reaching out so that means your one of the majority and that means you CHOOSING to get back up. Some people never do, at least you know that you can and will, you are just seeking some reassurance and guidance for the road ahead.

He on the other hand has apparently decided... or more accurately out of desperation been forced to find comfort with those who do not care about him or his situation and they are just using him in his current downturn. Not exactly a great place to be, nor one for you to be jealous of, upset with, or worrying about.

He use to be shy and reserved for the most part and now he has so much confident, is arrogant

Confidence and arrogance are no where close to each other. Confidence is doing what you want on your terms for the good of yourself and the betterment of your life. Arrogance is someone scared and emotionally shaken who has to over emphasis everything they do in hopes of impressing those around them because they hope for some outside approval or reaction.

- basically he has grown to have big head now and thinks that he can have any girl he wants.

Maybe he can, so could Elvis Presley and look where that got him. Getting any girl is not the same as someone who has there head on straight. Nor is it YOUR best interest to be with someone who thinks sleeping with any girl is the best way to maintain a relationship.

Through a mutual friend, he was saying that he has all these girls that want him blah blah blah

Blah blah blah is right. The old I'm screwing 100 models to make her jealous routine. Perhaps he told your friend that so you would coming running back to him. You need to start framing this stuff in your favor, this man is desperate and instead of noticing it your letting it get to you.

(by the way we both are 28 years old! hes acting like a highschooler) It makes me sick to my stomach and I am starting to hate him.

Hate can be a powerful emotion... if you let it get the best of you it can guide your behavior, but at the same time it can also knock you loose from the grip and move you forward.

From what you write here, and I know this is difficult given the situation your in but I think you might try humor as an emotion to follow. If you read this in a year from now I think your going to be laughing at how desperate this guy looks with some of his behavior... and if you can look back and laugh at this later, my question to you is why wait?

He has toally changed on me. Is this change of attitude just a cover up to his emotions?

Some of it yes. Some it is that people change after 8 years. That's life and human growth and now is an awesome time for you to embrace it and find some things you are good at and do them or focus on some things you haven't done in awhile and go back to them. His change in lifestyle can be to YOUR benefit should you choose to take the positive road ahead.

I probably sounds like a broken record but I dont understand how a human being can be so cold and cut off someone that gave everything to them for 8 years. Thanks for listening to me.

We all sound like a broken record after a break up. It's part of the brain that protects us in emotional situations by slowly bringing down the denial so that reality will be easier to accept. Congradulate yourself, your brain is working perfectly. I know that sounds odd but you have to start taking every thought and every situation and turning it around in your favor. Right now you're a broken record of questions and emotions that lead to a negative result... which I fully understand that is completely natural, but you can start directing those emotions to positive statements for you and for you positive results.

Example, "How could he do that after 8 years?" change it to "How lucky that I have a future to explore that is mine on my terms." If you keep doing this, this will turn your brain around and it will follow. You just have to get leverage by putting more good in then letting the bad direct and focus your life.

[goodkarma_1]

So today is a hard day. (Please see my earlier thread for the story, thanks) I've been Ok for a couple of days and today I just broke down and cried at work. I don't know what came over me. I feel so drained and overly stressed out that its affecting my health. I fear that I will never find anyone – I'm getting discouraged. I feel so depressed and stuck in a hole, I don't know what to do. I try to find things to do to stay busy but it is constantly on my mind. I know that I deserve better and what I miss are just the memories of 8 yrs together and I have to quickly force myself to think about why I left him and all his faults. I can't believe that someone that I shared my life with for so long ended up being someone that deceived me for so long. I get so frustrated at myself for not seeing it earlier and wasting all those years! How can someone just do that with no conscience?? I don't understand. I am a person with moral and believe in karma... how many of you believe in karma or had any experience karma? Thanks for listening.

[maxim_r]

The only thing that will truly heal this is time. Be patient with yourself and just believe that time will heal. There are certain things you can do to expedite the healing, such as focusing on yourself and realizing that you cannot control anyone else and there is no point in trying to figure out anyone else's motivations.

He is probably seeing someone else to help him get over you and it just looks like he's moved on so quickly. Either way, it's none of your business and you should stop worrying about what he's doing or why. I know it's easier said than done.

Also, take a look at your thought process. Right now, it is very gloomy and negative, such as "no one will ever love me again" etc, but that's just not true. Listen to your own thoughts and catch them any time they start getting negative, then try to replace them with more positive statements. Once again, easier said than done.

I have found that meditation really helps to calm the mind and focus on changing negative thoughts to positive ones.

[Romefalls19]

I can't add much more, besides telling you that it was 8 years of your life you devoted to this man so a lot more time will be needed. It will get better, I promise you this!

[goodkarma_1]

Thanks. It just so hard. I feel like I've been gutted out and have nothing left in me. Im sort of use to being depressed and unhappy all the time. Today I texted him asking for my stuff and some money that he owed and he was really straight forward about it. I guess it hurt me that he has really moved on and doesn't even try anymore. I want this but its hard to grasp. I hate being weak and I feel that I am always weak to him. How can I still have these feelings and he can shut me out... I guess nothing is fair. TOday is yet another hard day that I have struggled to get through.

[maxim_r]

Keep posting here and surrounding yourself with people who will listen and help you. Look into those meditation classes I was talking about, look up buddhism in your area or "dharma talks" or something like that. It's OK to keep journaling or talking about until you feel better.

This will take some time, but be gentle on yourself.

[busterite]

Firstly don't think you wasted 8 years of your life because that is not true, nothing goes to waste! These 8 years of your life have shaped you as a person and have prepared you for all the great things you will experience in the future. You should stop thinking about what he is doing and start focusing your thoughts elsewhere. I am going through a similar situation although mine was only 3 years and she left me for the person she cheated on me with. One thing that helps is taking it one day at a time and arranging small things to do, ahead of time so that you have something to look forward to (going on trips with friends, meeting with people you haven't seen for a long time, anything that will distract you).

I do believe in karma and I am sure you will find someone that will treat you the way you deserve to be treated but your first priority should be to be able and stand strong on your own two feet. You have been given another opportunity to experience better and greater things. You should not regret any of the things you did in the past just look at the future positively and you will get what you deserve.

[chuff]

I hate being weak and I feel that I am always weak to him. How can I still have these feelings and he can shut me out....i guess nothing is fair.

You call this situation weak? You and I could not disagree more. I think that someone who said after all this time that her pride and dignity were more important than sticking around with someone who is using her is strength. A weak person would have stuck around and let it happen again. A strong person said, this is going to suck for awhile but I can't be disrespected any longer.

Your right that nothing is fair... but at the same time if you focus on that then you going to get more of it. I don't think it's fair that OJ Simpson is rich and I'm not. But I'm not going to let that stop me enjoying life. Now I'm not saying this isn't going to be hard but at the same time, you absolutely must start focusing on the good things you have in life, even if they are small. You can build off that. The brain is designed to always think negative, as a protection device, so you have to force yourself to hold onto the positive.

[goodkarma_1]

You've all heard this saying... "once a cheater always a cheater". Who believes this to be true? My ex of 8yrs cheated and embarrasingly probably cheated throughout our entire relationship (I never once cheated on him btw). He has apologized and pleaded with me for months after the breakup and recently stopped all contact with me which leads me to believe he has moved on with someone else. Could he have learned from our relationship to be a better man in his next relationship? It kills me to think of all I have invested only to better his next. I hope this is making sense... thanks for listening.

[LostInHisEyez]

I understand your situation. I found out that my ex of two years always went to this girls house t just "hang out" but he was hoplessly in love with her. And I took that for cheating.. and he promised to change, and when he did I would be the first one he came back for because then he knew he would be perfect for me.. . you had 8 years with that guy.. and he did nothing but cheat.. and now maybe you think he's changed, but chances are he hasn't. You did nothing wrong, and maybe down the road (more months, and even years) he'll realize it. But as of now, you have to get priorities and he should be at the bottom of the list. He's just a lesson to be learned, and when he comes back, its up to you. Hope I helped

[cromptondot]

It has been my experience that cheaters never change. If they do it is because they have no choice,like mostly health reasons,and the last one they are with gets the joys of being caregiver

[Ash123]

I know exactly how you feel. USED....and now JEALOUS.

PSST: The big picture below :-)

**Here's the thing. The fact is if you have the guts to walk away 100% from the guy AND any guys like that, you will find a guy that will make you forget him in a second. ***

But you got to have guts.

I tell people this all the time: the ones that have the guts to feel real pain but not look back for relief when disrespected, will always climb the ladder to a better mate.

MANY CANNOT look forward.

Look forward and you may be quite surprised what you see!
.

[Lovelee]

I don't believe that once a cheater always a cheater. People cheat for different reasons and sometimes there are circumstances which led up to it, it doesn't mean that they will cheat again or with every relationship.

[liz28]

If this guy cheated throughout your entire relatinship he won't change, this is his behavior. It was probably nice , to him, having his cake and ice cream too. He had no respect for your relationship and if he cherish what your had he would have stop after the first affair. This shows he had no guilt. Do you prefer to have someone to treat you good or treat you like crap? Do you want someone who's going only commit to you or sleep with whoever he wants with no regards to your relationship?

Who cares if he found someone else, let them deal with his bs. You better off with him. Do you want to spend one more year and deal with his cheating and lies? Remember dogs has flees and their hard to get rid of. Heal yourself and leave him in the past and don't settle. There's more fish in sea.

[nickynicky]

I believe this to be true also , my husband of 10 years was also visiting a female who he had been friends with for 5 years before I came along , he told me he thought he had feelings for her so I promptly threw him out because I was 99.9 % sure he had done the deed , he moved in with her and they became an item , this man is now cheating on her and has been for the whole time he s been with her ! So yes I do believe once a cheater always a cheater .

[Fr_Chuck]

No people can change, do most, no, but it is possible, I know serious drugs, men who would sleep wiith any women but they turned htier life around.

[talaniman]

Count yourself lucky, and pray for his next victim.

[gg23]

Hey there. I don't believe that once a cheater always a cheater. I do believe that people change. However, in your case, I must say that your ex is probably going to repeat that in his next relationship. But then again I could be wrong. If he cheated several times, that a problem.
As I said before, I know from personal experience that people can change . They just have to find someone they can't get out of their head or maybe if they get everything they want from the relationship. But I also know that there are some compulsive cheater out there, who no matter how good their partner treats them, they are always inclined to cheat. For your case however, I would suggest that you just leave the past to where it belongs. Consider yourself lucky and hope for a bright future, with a guy who won't cheat on you. Hope this helps...

[hjpan]

Your ex is one of the reasons why females do not want to date males.