[Synnen]

I'll not respond too far on your comment, simply because it's pulling the thread off topic.

I will say that the general public (that would be more than 50% of the population) does not have a better than sixth grade vocabulary. They actually teach you to write with a sixth grade vocabulary in business and communications because of that.

I'm bragging, but it's also truth: I have a better vocabulary than 99% of the people I meet. I read 3-5 books a week, on average--both fiction and non-fiction. I seldom come across a word I do not understand, because I either know the word, can break the word into root components, or I can derive the meaning from context.

I also test at the genius level on IQ tests.

And I have misunderstood emails, posts on message boards, and other forms of written communication, simply because I did not know the sender well enough to intuit the tone of the message.

It has nothing to do with intelligence or vocabulary. It has everything to do with the fact that humans communicate primarily with speech, and have adjusted their receptors accordingly.

[Alty]

I agree with Synnen, had to spread the rep. Communication via the written word is not nearly as effective as communicating verbally. It has nothing to do with intelligence. The end.

Now to address the OP.

I have a husband much like yours. When it comes to discussing matters of importance, things he doesn't want to discuss, he tends to shut down, or walk away. It's been a 20 year struggle to work on our communication skills, and thankfully both of us love each other enough to listen.

We've learned to communicate by knowing how we both react. I'm a blamer. If someone does me wrong I don't sugar coat it, and I don't communicate very well when I'm upset. I will stoop to name calling, anger, blame, you name it. I know it, so does my husband. Through trial and error we've both learned that when I'm upset about something it's best to wait until I've calmed down, had some time to think, otherwise I just go for the jugular. It doesn't always work because my anger often gets the better of me, but he knows me well enough to know that when I'm mad I don't mean what I say, and when I calm down we'll have a rational discussion.

He shuts down when we have to discuss serious stuff. Not stuff to do with the kids, or the house, but stuff between the two of us. He doesn't want to hear it, and his eyes literally glaze over and I become the teacher on Charlie Brown, all he hears is "Ma, ma, ma, ma, ma". It's all in how I approach things, how I start a conversation. If I sit him down, tell him I love him, tell him I'm concerned about something that I really need to talk to him about, his need to nurture, to fix it, overrides his need to retreat.

Of course this doesn't always work. We both need to be willing to communicate this way in order for us to actually have a conversation. But, after 15 years of marriage, 20 years together, more often then not we do manage to communicate well.

You have to learn how he communicates, what you can do to make him listen. Since you haven't been able to do it on your own, ask a professional.

Counseling is really a good idea. Don't give up on the marriage yet, even though his actions were very inappropriate and would have earned a knee in the groin if he had tried it on me. But that's the past, you have to look to the future and at least attempt to make this work. So talk to him, tell him that you feel counseling is your only option, that you are having thoughts of leaving because of the situation. Maybe once he realizes that you're really upset about this he'll agree to counseling.

Sorry for the long post. Good luck to you. :)

[mamaoftwo]

We've been married 12 years and together a bit longer than that, and it is a struggle trying to get my husband to communicate. I am trying to think of the positives and I'm trying to be patient. It's very hard to stick around when it seems like he's having mood swings every other day. There was physical abuse in my husband's family and verbal abuse in mine, so I do consider myself lucky that he has never laid a hand on me or my daughters or I would be out.of.here for good. Also, his family never liked to deal with problems... they tended to just shove them under the rug and pretend they didn't exist, regardless of the fact that the problem and the bad feelings still remain. My sisters-in-law tell me to be patient with him because of this background, and I understand "nurture" plays a part in it, but at some point you just have to grow up. I deal with temper issues, so when I realize I'm being hot-headed, I try to tell myself I need to calm down. In the same way, he is at a point where he should realize that adults don't do the silent treatment thing because it gets you nowhere. As far as counseling, he believes that therapists don't need to know your business & that they're telling you things that you can figure out on your own... so I doubt he will be convinced to spend money on counseling anytime soon. :(

[QLP]

I'm afraid you last comment reeks of his excuses for not seeing a therapist. Sounds to me more like he is afraid of what he might learn. He wants to remain in cynical, blaming mode rather than face himself. He may not even be aware of this himself.

My advice would be to start that counselling yourself with an open mind and see where it leads. I think you will get something out of it even without him. You may learn some better ways to get him to communicate. He may even be prepared to consider counselling later if he sees you getting something from it. It may help you decide that you really want to move on after all. People spend a fortune fixing their cars and houses yet sometimes balk at spending money fixing themselves, seems screwed up priorities to me...

[Synnen]

After 12 years, he STILL thinks you can figure out the communication thing on your own?

And after dealing with abuse his whole life and still having issues relating to it--he thinks he can figure it out on his own?

Sounds like denial and stubbornness, with a healthy dash of "I don't want to and you can't make me!" thrown in.

I'm not usually one for ultimatims, but in this case, I would issue him one: Either he goes with you to marriage/couples counseling, or he can walk out the door. The passive aggressive behaviour and the childish silent treatment is for children, not adults, and you deserve to be married to an adult.

[daileor]

You could buy some anal lube.