[Homegirl 50]

i do go out and enjoy myself, i just said that. but i haven't found interesting guys yet, but then again, the year is still young. and i would like for something to evolve with a guy. im going to sound needy and dependent when i say this, but i need a relationship. i need a healthy loving relationship... psychological problems i guess.. daddy issues.. whatever the reason may be, i need something real. isnt that what everyone wants?

If you feel you need a relationship you are not ready for one. You have issues that a boy is not going to fix. You have issues that need to be dealt with first, then you can go into a relationship a emotionally healthy person not a needy one. Needy is not attractive. No one wants to be with someone like that. It can be very draining.
You need to feel good about yourself by yourself. A boy will not do that for you.

[redhead1992]

I don't know maybe I worded it wrong, I don't mean I'm needy in that I need constant attention, I'm clingy, etc.. But like, I need to know that there is actually someone out there who truly cares about me and my happiness, someone who I can also show to them that I care. I need a healthy relationship in my life.

[Homegirl 50]

You can have that with friends and family. A boy is not going to do that for you.
You're 18 years old. You don't NEED a relationship.
Enjoy and get through your first year of college, make friends. You don't need the drama that can go along with dating while you're navigating your first year of college.

[redhead1992]

You've read my other posts.. I'm pretty sure its been made clear that I can't really have that with my family. Not the way I should.

[JudyKayTee]

I've read all of your other posts - you appear to have either no or very little respect for yourself and that is only going to get worse as you get older and more insecure.

You need to speak to a professional about your need to cling, be the girl on the "side," get involved in what are basically phantom relationships. Your posts are all about very conflicted relationships - you and your best friend (who now is apparently no longer your best friend) are in "love" with the same guy, you met someone on Spring break and does he love you and on and on.

Again - you really do need to talk to someone and like yourself before you can expect anyone else to love you.

[Homegirl 50]

you've read my other posts.. im pretty sure its been made clear that i can't really have that with my family. not the way i should.

You are not going to find what you're looking for in a boy either.
This young man is trying to navigate his way through the military and life. Do you think he can emotionally take care of you too?
You need a professional to talk to. Someone who can help you with these feelings you're having. Yourself esteem is pretty low and you're thinking a person is going to lift you up, make you feel better about yourself. It doesn't work that way.

[redhed35]

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/faq.php

Please refer to the rules of the site regarding the reputation system.

Judykaytee gave you good sound advice,you may not like the advice but that does not mean its incorrect.

Ask yourself what it is YOU can do to improve your situation.

What your doing is not working,your getting the same results over and over,do something different for a different result.

[Homegirl 50]

You say you have changed into a better person since you started college ( a week ago) What you are doing is the same thing all over again. Trying to attach yourself to someone you don't know because they have spoken words that make you feel good. There is a pattern here.
All that judykaytee said was good advice and instead of listening (because it did not make you feel good) you go on the attack.
None of us are against you. We have enough life experience to see where you're headed and we care enough to want to steer you in the right direction.
I'm sure they have a counseling service at school. Talk to someone. Talk to other kids in your school. Talking to this young man is fine but to be so hung up in him that you feel like you're cheating on him is absurd. You two don't know each other.

[JudyKayTee]

[QUOTE=redhead1992 disagrees : i like myself just fine. ever since ive started college ive changed to a better person so far
.[/QUOTE]



Got to comment here but don't want to turn this into a blog - I see no change based on your posts (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...d-492600.html; https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/teens/...ts-498374.html) during the (approximately) 10 days you've been in College.

[redhead1992]

Well the reason I hit disagree was because I do not believe professional help is so necessary.

And what I mean by I've changed, usually I let my past (whether the present was going well or not) to effect how I treated others, and I often treated people with a stinge of bitterness. But since I've come here, I have yet to let my past affect how I've treated others. I've been more friendly and kind to people. I used to not be able to last two days without getting super defensive with those around me. That has changed. I've found myself behaving in a more mature, adult manner. But then I have this whole thing going on where I have talked to other guys, tried to forget the online guy, blahblahblah and it doesn't work because I end up feeling guilty that I'm out with other guys. That's the problem I need to know how to fix. How to stop feeling guilty

[slapshot_oi]

Come back to this thread in four years and see if you feel still the same. Better yet, come back here in four years and see if you graduated from the same college you started in.

True, everyone does want love and to be loved, and everyone, at one point in their life, has done real silly stuff to try and get it, too.

Do what whatever it is you feel you got to do with this guy, but realize you're not attached to anyone, especially in college. If you're itching to date around, then do it.

First few months at college can be tough and a lot of people and they react to it. I'm guilty of this, I clung to whatever person that would listen to me. Then when I got comfortable, the fun began.

So with that being said, your future's only going to get brighter and more exciting. Good luck!

[Homegirl 50]

well the reason i hit disagree was because i do not believe professional help is so necessary.

and what i mean by ive changed, usually i let my past (whether the present was going well or not) to effect how i treated others, and i often treated people with a stinge of bitterness. but since ive come here, i have yet to let my past affect how ive treated others. ive been more friendly and kind to people. I used to not be able to last two days without getting super defensive with those around me. that has changed. ive found myself behaving in a more mature, adult manner. but then i have this whole thing going on where i have talked to other guys, tried to forget the online guy, blahblahblah and it doesnt work because i end up feeling guilty that im out with other guys. thats the problem i need to know how to fix. how to stop feeling guilty

There is no reason for you to feel guilty. You're not dating this guy, you've not promised yourself to him. You've never even met him. Why are you feeling gulty? Have you told him you will not talk to anyone else?

[DoulaLC]

You don't need to forget the online guy... but you also don't need to keep yourself on the sidelines if you do happen to find someone of interest that you would like to get to know.

You said you still want to date around, so just don't limit your possibilities when you are still getting to know him better.

It may turn out that something does come of it at some point... it may not.

Why not find out how he feels about you and the friendship you have made. He may be feeling the same way, he may be thinking it is just a friendship and nothing more.

You won't know unless you ask him and, because this is online, all you have to talking to each other. All the more reason that communication is key for you.

[redhead1992]

I know for a fact he feels that its so much more than a friendship. And I think that's why I feel guilty, because he's anticipating a futre together, as am I, but I know I can't cut myself off... but I know that id be hurt if I found out he was seeing other girls, and I just don't wnt to hurt him... like, he gets kind of upset that he can't be here to protect me from dangerous situations... I know he's legit.

[Lyingsuns3t]

So Ive got a few things for you.

1. Your barely know this guy and have just been chatting him up on Facebook. Not much of a relationship there, though it can be the start of a friendship.
2. Don't make any promises or plan to date this guy. Things are always different online than in real life. So don't get too attached.
3.Meeting up might be a good idea when the time comes. But cross that bridge when it comes. Christmas is a 4 months away.
4. As for the mingle. It sounds like a double standard. You want to date, but you'd be hurt if he was dating. Personally, I don't think you should be that attached. If you want to date, then date. And if he wants to date, then let him. But make no promises until you actually meet him.

You never know, you could meet mister right before Christmas. You just never know. But live in the moment.

[Homegirl 50]

You both ought to be seeing other people.
It's OK to talk on the phone and on face book but to have these kind of intense feelings is a bit immature. You're falling into your old pattern.

[JudyKayTee]

i know for a fact he feels that its so much more than a friendship. and i think thats why i feel guilty, because he's anticipating a futre together, as am i, but i know i can't cut myself off... but i know that id be hurt if i found out he was seeing other girls, and i just dont wnt to hurt him... like, he gets kinda upset that he can't be here to protect me from dangerous situations... i know he's legit.

How do you "know for a fact" that he feels that it's so much more than a friendship and that he's anticipating a future together with someone he "knows" from Facebook and has never laid eyes on?

And how do you "know" he's legit? You've had someone check him out? By the way, I do "that" (checking) for a living and you would be amazed at some of the things I've found - including multiple "dates" on Facebook, each one thinking she's the one and only.

I think you are lying to yourself and you know it or you wouldn't be posting here.

[redhead1992]

My Best friend is good friends with him, so is her boyfriend. I just haven't ever met him... so yeah, he's been checked up on.

And yes, I know it's a double standard, and that's where my issue lies. Everyone keeps going on about not talking to him at all, which I have tried, doesn't work. I've tried to ignore him, not talk to him, I cant. But at the same time, I feel we should both date around. And yes, I agree with the no promise policy. I made him swear to never use the P word. And I haven't either

[DoulaLC]

Who is saying to not talk to him? Why not talk to him if he's a nice guy, you enjoy chatting with him, your friends know him, he interests you, etc.. All of those things just doesn't mean it has to be exclusive at this time.

Tell him what you have said... you like him, you think he is great, but you don't know whether there might be more to it since you haven't actually met yet, so you think it best, that for now, you both leave your dating options open. It doesn't mean you automatically plan to seek other guys out, but if someone asks you to a movie, you might like to go.

[Homegirl 50]

No one is saying don't talk to him, we're just saying don't cut yourself off from other people. Don't get so serious with this. You don't even know each other.