[kp2171]

Unless he's a millionaire he won't be able to get a hottie. Not with his attitude.

Translated: hot women only put up with arses if they have coin?

[kp2171]

I'm not looking for a fight. Just my usual back and forth. I see inconsistencies on both sides of this issue and I also know more than a few who chase the latest shiny toy, both male and female.

Glad the OP'er came here. It wouldn't be an issue, as was mentioned, if he didn't have some feelings for her well being. Or maybe its guilt. Or both.

Tired. Night all. To be continued, I'm sure.

[Allie602]

Please donot contact her just because you feel bad. The ultimate cruelty would be if you continued the relationship because you feel pain. Breaking up with her was the right thing to do, although belated.
Why don't you try working on yourself, sound confused about what you want in a woman.

[vanheart]

Good one.

"glad the OP'er came here."

Hope he listens.

[Enigma1999]

mixed bag on this side.

one of the sexiest women i know isnt one whom id call stunningly beautiful physically... but she just has It. the right mix and combo for me. confident. naughty. laughs a lot. and somewhat physically attractive to me... but taken in whole, she's my kind of girl, even tho' we wont date.

but really.

i just dont buy into the "looks mean nothing" angle. yes. beauty fades. or changes. or gets redefined.

but i can tell you im hard wired for certain things physically. i may not need them, or need them all, but they are hot buttons.

im glad the OP'er is stepping back. he needs to. she needs him to.

im not going to call him a complete pig. people fall out of love for a number of reasons. chances are, theres more to the story than what he said.

how many young girls date guys because they are "hot"? there are two in my work area dating guys mostly because they are attractive and outgoing. they are not seeking out the out of shape introvert... is that wrong?

they are deliberately filtering out other men who arent as hot.

doesnt matter if its a male or female... we get so many posts here about that spark being gone. the desire being lost. in this case, he can state that its tied to her looks.

maybe he was never all that attracted in the first place, but the newness of the relationship compensated for that lack of overlap. oops happens.

ive yet to date any woman who went out into the world most days without some primping and preening, even when i thought that early morning bed head was sexy as sin when looking at me in the early morning light.

if you dont want to be measured by attractiveness, then stop it. dont be a victim by not playing the game. you go first. no?

thats of course a bit of nonsense. we all play the game. we all look to impress others and to boost our confidence by our physical appearance.

why be ashamed of it?

sexual attraction is one of many ways i expect to be measured. and im ok with that.

i dont want anyone to stay with be because of that one thing, but i also am willing to accept the "i just dont have that spark for you" angle... ive had one Big Love use that against me... and in the end... it was a lot easier to just accept that.

i hadnt changed. if anything, i was more fit and in better shape, making more money. she wanted something new and different. our time had passed. fine. its ok. there was enough overlap in enough areas to get things rolling... but after two years... some of that overlap wasnt enough for her to stave of the restlessness.

today, im thrilled we had that talk. grateful for her awareness of the situation. yeah... sucked at the time and i had some self doubts, but i survived.

I see where you are coming from and you make many valid points.

Let me ask you this. Let's say you are with a woman who is a compassionate, loving, caring, and confident woman. A person you could see yourself with for the rest of your life, however, she is average looking. Would that really matter?

I understand that we all want to impress and to be impressed.

I met my exhusband 9 years ago. He used to work for me. When I first met him, I was not attracted to him, at all. I'm not saying he was ugly, just no attraction on my end. During the time of working with him, I found that he was a very confident and intelligent man. Which I find very sexy. He also was very witty and funny. He would always make me laugh and smile. After a year of getting to know him and working with him, I fell in love with him. He became the sexiest man to me.

So I know that people pull that" looks mean nothing"... But are they everything?

Don't get me wrong, KP, you as well as I and most want that sex appeal.

I think the biggest thing for me here with his situation is that he keeps going back and forth and back and forth. He is confused, yes. I don't ridicule him for not being attracted to her. It is what it is. It's the vacillating back and forth that I think is confusing her.

[vanheart]

Who is this about, again?

[kp2171]

Let me ask you this. Let's say you are with a woman who is a compassionate, loving, caring, and confident woman. A person you could see yourself with for the rest of your life, however, she is average looking. Would that really matter?

Nope.

I know how I'm wired.

I know, for ex, that I'm naturally wired to want to please. Comes from my childhood. A very long history of focusing on others.

My last lover was smoking hot. Married to her for ten years. Together 12. How many times did I hear "you are a lucky man" from other men? Many.

She is very smart. Funny. Naughty. My kind of humor. And stunning. Just not faithful. Over and over.

Most of my marriage, she was unhappy. I just don't think she's wired to be with one man. Too many affairs and distractions. We are great friends and lousy spouses.

So... the breaking point here wasn't that she wasn't pretty enough. She was unhappy. Always upset. And that rocked my boat too much. I like give and take. I like straight up talk without pretense. And I seem to like women who are just on the edge of wanting a relationship, but maybe not ready. Seems to be a theme.

But... ask me right now who I'm most attracted to? It's a woman in the hospital I work with. Few would call her a stunning beauty. Don't care. For me... I know what trips my triggers... and yes, there are some "preset defaults" perhaps... but what makes me attracted to a mate is much less about classic beauty and so much more about interaction. I want connection. On several levels.

That said... I don't intend to impose my standards on anyone else.

If the OP'er wants to "upgrade"... k... fine.

He posted because he isn't happy about hurting her and wants to know what's best next. I believe that it's a struggle for him. I know its painful for her.

Sometimes you have to say "bad timing" or "bad match" and just leave it at that.

Some failed relationships are just that... over and done.

I believe its quite possible that he thinks she is a good woman worth loving, but he isn't there anymore, and the physical attraction cannot compensate for what isn't there between them.

[kp2171]

Who is this about, again?

The OP'er and the general topic at hand.

I'm OK with discussion about relationships and what drives men and women. It still is within the context of this thread, right?

[vanheart]

Sure. Absolutely. Hehehhe.

We say whatever helps here. Right?

My ex was no longer attracted to me either. I hung on.
Whoops. I wasn't hot enough.

Hes made it clear. He wants someone else. Or at least not her.

Hes not concerned too much with what's underneath even though has felt the benefits. Lazy or now needs something fresh. That's for him to dig on.

Who's hot?

[kp2171]

I've said it too many times... I should be getting royalties... I love chapmans Five Love Languages.

There are other versions of this idea out there... but he writes that couples show commitment through five basic dialects...

Physical touch
Acts of service
Words of affirmation
Quality time
Gifts

Now, if a relationship has weaknesses... its often through more than one area... but attributed to one. One area is chosen as The Problem. But often its an overall weakness throughout more areas.

I look at this thread the way I look at the threads when a woman says "my man cannot get hard and is having performance issues. why isnt he attracted to me anymore"

It isn't that simple. I can list one thing that can lead to ED or I can list a dozen things that, in summation, can lead to ED.

So...

I'm saying it poorly... its my superpower... but if a lack of physical interest is the reason he is leaving... I guess I'm saying there is weakness in the other areas as well that cannot compensate for his dissatisfaction in this one area.

Or maybe he just isn't ready. Or maybe he is a jerk. Its all possible. I'm open to all of these, not just one.

I generally like occam's razor.

But when it comes to relationships and dissatisfaction... I don't think the simple or stated answer is often the real problem...

[Enigma1999]

I guess we will just have to wait and see what he has to say when he returns... Which I hope he does.

I hope I did not offend anyone, my attention was grabbed, I took the opportunity.

[vanheart]

"but when it comes to relationships and dissatisfaction... i dont think the simple or stated answer is often the real problem...

"its often through more than one area... "

I agree.

I hope that the OP reads this & has the volition.
Soak it in ezio.

[kp2171]

Hmmmm... the OP'er hasn't been back since the day of the original post.

I might be stepping back from this one until he is willing to shed some light on the subject.

Like a good discussion with diff angles. Love devils advocate. But the OP'er needs to put out more now for me to be interested in spending time here.

I hope I did not offend anyone, my attention was grabbed, I took the opportunity.

Don't waste one minute worrying about this. I'm the biggest loudmouth most of the time so I buy first round.

[QLP]

Ezio, you mention many times how much she loves you, and how loving she is, but on the other hand you only say you really like her. After 7 years only really liking her doesn't sound enough. I think you fell more 'in friendship' than in love with her.

I wish you had come here 5 years ago, when you ended it the first time. Maybe people could have helped you save yourself and the lady a lot more pain. Still, you can't undo what's done you can only move on and leave the lady alone so she can do the same.

[vanheart]

You can't take back time, but it takes two.

I would hope that she knows by now how repulsed you are.

Denial all around. Time to fess up.

[kp2171]

repulsed

Really?

Maybe I just don't get it.

There is a big gap for me between "im not attracted" and "you repulse me"

Giving up on this thread. Too much tension and I've said my peace ad nauseum.

All the judgements aside... we've mostly agreed on "stay away from her"...

Good luck bud. Outtie.

[vanheart]

"She was pretty even though slightly overweight"

"she looks gorgeous when she dolls herself up, but not as much without the makeup"

"But everytime i was trying to picture myself with her for the rest of my life was killing me."

"I really believe were she more attractive i would have definitely marry her and have kids."


You're right, maybe repulsed is too strong...
Sorry. I mean no longer physically, emotionally or otherwise. Im going green here.

Bottom line, you made the decision, now on with your life.

[EzioAuditore]

Hi all and thanks for your posts. The only reason I have not answered before is because I was on a weekend boat trip for my brother's bachelor's party.

I do understand and expected some of the posts, and I will try to answer them as best as I can.

First of all I agree that much of the blame is on me. As for not communicating my thoughts with her much earlier, it is not really correct. I did try to break off the relationship earlier. I had told her that I felt that I wasn't happy with her and that I wanted to break up, but I could not tell her in her face that the reason was that she wasn't pretty enough. Surely you can understand this.

I also like to elaborate a bit on this. True, looks are not everything, but truth be told, I am a handsome and good looking man, and I'd like to be with an attractive female. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. In our country we have a saying, literal conversion "The first thing to feast is the eyes". I obviously did find my ex attractive and charming or else I wouldn't have decided to go out with her, but it's also true that after a year or so, I started sleeping at her place I noticed that she looked less attractive without her makeup on. So that's fair? I never put makeup on, never hid my imperfections. Most of you called me shallow. But it's not fair to doll yourself up to lure someone in, only to be looking different once you get out of the shower.

So what had happened. I had developed strong feelings for this girl before I realized that her natural looks were not what she showed me throughout the first year and a half. So I was
torn in the middle. I felt I was cheated, Wouldn't you?

So I decided eventually to stay in the relationship, gave her everything she needed, give it a go, but somehow, the thought lingered through my mind every now and then. In the meantime I had several advances by better looking girls but always refused them and in fact I have never acted on them or cheated on my ex.

Sometimes I felt torn inside. Isn't it normal to go looking for the best possible "package". It's like buying a car for an X amount of money only to eventually find that the body had been fixed to survive a couple of years only to make you buy the car. How would you feel?

I would gladly choose a charming girl without the looks, but being honest with her looks. It would have been my decision from the beginning and could have accepted it.

True, I stayed for another 5 years, but they weren't 5 years of hell, far from it. I really had great times with her, I don't know how to put it, but in fact I did and still do love her. I've always treated her like a princess, always caressed her hands and face, I loved kissing her passionately, alone with her or with friends, I loved going abroad with her, I always enjoyed and looked forward for sex. Of course there where times where I saw myself married to her with kids. I never said that I QUOTE: "didnt view her as potential wife or mother material" or "go around using other people until what we really want comes along". Did I say that I had found someone else? No. In fact I don't have anyone else and I do feel so lonely, sad and alone.

"I hope you find what youre looking for, eye candy, but also be aware the better looking a person is the more shallow theyre likely to be"?? It seems to me that you have some personal issues and you just can't generalize. I know quite a few good looking people myself and they are no different than less attractive people.

"if you think no other man wants her, just throw her away and you will see. Some man will have her before you can count 1 2 3." Again, where have I said that? In fact it's the total contrary.

"Let me ask you this, say you are with that blonde, big breasted, nice legs, nice a$$, just a hottie, but doesn't treat you the same way this girl did, and one day hottie is in an unfortunate car accident which has left her face/body deformed?? Then what? You will move on?" But who ever said that I want to be with just a hottie who doesn't treat me well? Are you possibly saying that all good looking girls are so evil or treat their BF badly? And BTW, I am not looking for the kind of hottie you're assuming i.e.. Dresses up like a hooker. On the contrary, they actually repel me. All I'm saying is that I would like an honest, down to earth person who is honest with her appearance.

"Please donot contact her just because you feel bad. The ultimate cruelty would be if you continued the relationship because you feel pain. Breaking up with her was the right thing to do, although belated.
Why don't you try working on yourself, sound confused about what you want in a woman." I agree. I admit it was belated, but try to understand that its not like I didn't love the girl. How could I not love her? But was it enough to get married to her? I never, ever found out 100% and still don't know even though I left her.

This is the best and worse decision of my life. I don't know if you can understand me. I still love her very much and it was so hard for me. But our relationship was only going to get worse, I felt it. I didn't want us to get married or have kids while I was still feeling confused.It is because of this I have decided to take this step, because the situation I got myself into had become unbearable. I just couldn't decide in the end.

Do you think that I was happy about this decision? Do you think I haven't thought it through?

Can you realize that I can't stop thinking about her, that I don't know that I can lose her forever? The fact of even thinking about her with someone else destroys me.

But deep down I know this is the right decision, painful as it is and scared as I am. I couldn't drag her deeper into this. But I am ready to work at it to come out a better man, and when I manage to come with clear thoughts I may face her without shame.

I only hope that I can come to a decision before it is too late. But I have to risk it or else I will never be happy, because at the moment I don't. I miss her so much and can't stop thinking about her. I haven't slept well for weeks now and I just can't take it anymore.

Btw. I did tell her not to contact me anymore and told her that it was a break up, even tough I never wanted to but I couldn't make her wait for me. Try to understand that she could be the ONE. I'm just not sure, so I thought of breaking up with her to try to clear my head even if I risk losing the most precious thing of my entire life.

I'm so tired, it's 3 am and I just hope I could get some sleep now. I tried to make myself clear as much as possible, but writing down my feelings is no easy feat. I also tried to be so brutally honest, something which I feel I rarely see in other OP's.

Love and goodnight all.

[Kitkat22]

If you love and miss her , why not
Stay with her. Your thread was titled "I don't find my girlfriend attractive anymore, but I love her''
That's why the comments ,well that's why I answered the way I did.

She will move on and you will probably regret it for the rest of your life. I hope not. I hope you can work things out. You need to change.

[Enigma1999]

Hello Ezio,

Thank you for responding again. We thought we lost you and got caught up in all of this, in case you haven't noticed. Lol

I am glad that you have been so open and honest with all of us and realize that none of us are here to judge or attack you.

It is clear that you have much love and passion for this woman... Unfortunately, this is a decision that you and you alone have to make.

On one hand you love her very much and on the other you believe that she hasn't been true about her looks. So... now that you know what she really looks like, is this something you can live with? Are you willing to set aside the looks and be with her?

Because if not, then you have your answer and you should let her go... As much as you don't want to. The last thing you want to do is to go back to her and then 2 months later realize, "Hey, I'm just not attracted to you." Then you will cause her more hurt and pain.

Also, you told her that you don't want her to contact you, so you really need to think about this, so you don't come across as someone who says one thing and does another. That my friend, will get old for her, and eventually she will not want any part of you any longer.

What ever you decide to do, I will hope the best for you.

Good Luck.