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hjpan · Aug 4, 2008, 11:16 AM

Originally Posted by arle

Yea i already know you all think I shoudl get a new girl.. I will if needed but in regards to what to do now is, should I call her at the end of the week to officially resolve things or just go NC?

Either go stealth mode and start NC or fire artilleries and bombard your ex with "I'm over you"

arle · Aug 22, 2008, 01:25 PM

Threads merged

So my girlfriend and I broke up two months ago and we got back together however things are not the same as they use to be. I am trying to bring the romance back into the relationship but she is always getting hot/cold. Sometimes she is affectionate and the rest of the time she is just cold. When she gets cold it pushes me away and I feel no urge to give her affection. Should I take a step back or try a different approach? Tips?

Guidostern · Aug 22, 2008, 01:27 PM

Well, first, what is your plan of attack like currently? Are you showing her too much affection, or not enough? If you are showing too much... back off some because you are smothering her. Is she a needy person?

arle · Aug 22, 2008, 01:32 PM

Well Im just going back to the way things were. Not smothering her but also showing her affection (kissing her, massage every now and then, etc.) She seems like she wants the affection but does not give any in return..

BetrayalBtCamp · Aug 22, 2008, 01:38 PM

First have you tried talking to her about this? Second is there anything outside the relationship that could be causing the hot/cold dynamic? Did she behave the same way before the breakup?

There are lots of ways to get romance back into a relationship but it takes two. Is she willing to work on this with you? Without talking together to make it a joint project nothing you do will work for long if at all, I'm afraid.

Guidostern · Aug 22, 2008, 01:38 PM

You need to communicate with each other... others on here will also tell you that communication is the key to a successful relationship... you can't just look at her and tell what her wants or needs are... don't be afraid to ask questions... get to know her again... a lot of things can change in two months. Be spontaneous... do things with her that you didn't do before...

How old are the two of you, and how long were you together before the break up?

arle · Aug 22, 2008, 01:40 PM

22 and she is 24.. We have been dating for a little over a year now..

Guidostern · Aug 22, 2008, 01:43 PM

Like previously stated by myself and betrayal... communication is going to be the best way for you to have a good relationship with her.

Make sure you listen to what she says... make sure she understands what you are asking... like I said, be spontaneous... but don't be over powering with the affection.

Make sure that there is no pinned up anger on her part about what did/may have happened previously...

kp2171 · Aug 22, 2008, 02:01 PM

Why did you break up?

talaniman · Aug 23, 2008, 07:02 AM

If you can't talk about it, you'll never find a solution to the problem that works for you both. Sorry you can't romance a female that doesn't appreciate it. That's a complete waste of time.

arle · Sep 22, 2008, 07:01 AM

Threads merged
So yesterday I got in a big fight with g-friend. She really pissed me off this time but like always, it happens to be my fault.

I woke up and I wanted to leave to see the football games so I told her lets leave in 15 min (she was reading book). I jumped in the shower and I got out and asked her to help me clean before we left. She said give me 5 min to finish her chapter and so I decided to clean my room a bit. I cam out 5 min later and without even telling her I started to clean the apartment. It was very obvious that I was going to clean with or without her and she didn't even make a peep. It only took me around 5-7 min but this was after I had brought her breakfast in bed and I wanted her to just show some appreciation for doing something nice.

So after I finished I told her "thanks for helping out" as I was very annoyed. She says "what" and I told her that I wasn't going to wait all day for her to help out. She gets up and says she is leaving back home, packs up her things and bounces. I wasn't annoyed anymore, I was pissed.

Anyway to make a long story short, she says that I do it to her all the time and that I shouldn't have to get mad over something so little. I use to do that mb 6 months ago but I noticed how she would get upset so I help her all the time when Im at her apt. She called me last night to say she doesn't want to go to bed fighting but still claims that I should have waited for her to finish her chapter and that I need to learn some patience. I wasn't really mad about the cleaning, I was annoyed and she needed to know. What really pissed me off is when she just got her stuff and left.

I don't want this argument to go on for days so how should I handle this. Just tell her lets put it behind us. Not give in. Advice?

Romefalls19 · Sep 22, 2008, 07:19 AM

Just let it go, don't get so mad about little things. You could have handled the situation a lot differently, instead of using your snappy "thanks for helping me out" remark, you could have told her how you felt without making her feel attacked. Just let the fight go, relationships are supposed to be fun and upbeat, you can't have fun if you are always arguing. I can't even count how many arguments I have dropped in the interest of making peace, you will realize it wasn't worth it just like I do.

GothGirl1771 · Sep 22, 2008, 09:38 AM

Ok, to keep a healthy relationship... and keep together, you need to do this:

Lets say you could rewind time... go back. She's reading her book and you are getting pissed because you are cleaning and feeling like you are doing everything. What you could have done to avoid it is put your hand on her arm, and say something like: "Hey babe, could you help me pick up the house? I'd like to leave for the game, and two people get more things done...how bout it?" Which in that case, she'd helped you.

Just try to take every situatioin with tenderness, it'll work!

Now, to clear this up, give her a call and apologize. Tell her you miss her and you are sorry for overreacing. Tell her you love her and that you want her to come back... " Also, add you'll take her out to dinner to make up for it or something... something you know she'll like... :) Good luck! Don't fret the small stuff... this relationship is suppoesed to be fun!

talaniman · Sep 22, 2008, 11:21 AM

The time to realize what your doing wrong is, before you do it, and only requires a little thought before actions, and that's how you avoid those dumb arguments over NOTHING.

Now apologize, and kiss her butt, both cheeks, and promise to do better than that.

arle · Jul 20, 2009, 11:34 AM

Threads merged

So I've been dating my girlfriend for 2 years. I was using her phone the other day as my batt. Had died and I noticed that she had received a ton of calls from this guy which I have never met or heard of. We have been having some problems lately which is normal in any relationship and I've noticed a change of behavior in the past 2 weeks. I got very suspicious and I decided the only way to find out was to go through her phone as I was not going to bring up anything without any evidence.

Anyway I went through her phone while she was asleep and they have been talking pretty much every other day, sometimes every day for the past week and a half. She calls him and he calls her. She went out with her girlfriends the other night and txted me at 2 am to see if I was home as she said she might come over after ( I was passed out). 5 min after that text she asked him if he was out and it seems they met up at 4am at a bar. Now every instinct tells me that she is cheating but I have a hard time believing that as she is a very good person and has always been honest in the past. I confronted her and she told me that they had been talking a lot because it was "good conversation" since they are working in the same field. She admitted it was wrong and that she would cut it off immediately. The fact that she was pursuing him to meet up and talking all the time shows me that she was interested no matter whether I was able to prove whether she was cheating or not. She crossed the boundaries of trust and I broke up with her. She asked for my forgiveness and told me she would end all communication with him immediately. I still love her but I can't be in a relationship where I think she is lying to me. I think it was more than good conversation. What do you think?

kctiger · Jul 20, 2009, 11:37 AM

Originally Posted by arle

I still love her but I can't be in a relationship where I think she is lying to me.

This is your answer... your OWN answer. We can't read into anything for you as it doesn't matter. In the end, it is you who has to decide whether you can trust her again. You, my friend, also breached her trust by poking through her phone... just saying. But, as a matter of facts, we cannot talk you into trusting her again, only you can do that, and I think your mind is made up.

Stick to your gut instinct in this one.

slapshot_oi · Jul 20, 2009, 11:39 AM

Originally Posted by arle

She crossed the boundaries of trust and I broke up with her. She asked for my forgiveness and told me she would end all communication with him immediately. I still love her but I can't be in a relationship where I think she is lying to me. I think it was more than good conversation. What do you think?

I think you did the right thing, you lost trust in her and broke up with her.

arle · Jul 20, 2009, 11:49 AM

Originally Posted by slapshot_oi

I think you did the right thing, you lost trust in her and broke up with her.

Well I did the same thing very early in our relationship and she forgave me. I want to forgive her but I can't have this cloud of doubt. I need to be 100% sure nothing happened.

I've considered contacting the guy but I don't know if that is a smart move.

HotPotato2009 · Jul 20, 2009, 11:51 AM

My opinion, I think it's a little hard to tell if she was cheating on you. Maybe she was, maybe she wasn't. To me it just sounds like she was hanging out with a friend. Not saying that that was good but I think that it was good of her to be honest to you about the situation once you asked her about it.

I've been in a situation like this before. I was hangin out with a guy that I met at my job (he was a customer) and yes I did have a boyfriend at the time. Me and this guy hung out every now and then. We went to the amusement park and played basketball etc. I knew my bounderies though. I've never kissed this guy or had sex with him. He made it clear that he liked me but was respectful towards me cause I had a boyfriend. I didn't tell my boyfriend about this guy.

One night my boyfriend saw me getting out of this guys car and let me tell you he was HOT!! We got into an argument that night and we separated for a week. Eventually we got back together after talking about the situation. I didn't want to be without him because I loved him so much and he felt the same so we worked it out. I cut of contact with this other guy 100%. It took some time for my boyfriend to trust me again too.

So the only advice I can give is, if you love her the way you say you do and want to be with her, give her another chance (hopefully this was her 1st offense). You may not trust her like you want too, but it will take time. Have a talk with her. I wish you luck. Hope this helped :)

arle · Jul 20, 2009, 12:00 PM

Originally Posted by HotPotato2009

My opinion, I think it's a little hard to tell if she was cheating on you. Maybe she was, maybe she wasn't. To me it just sounds like she was hanging out with a friend. Not saying that that was good but I think that it was good of her to be honest to you about the situation once you asked her about it.

I've been in a situation like this before. I was hangin out with a guy that I met at my job (he was a customer) and yes I did have a boyfriend at the time. Me and this guy hung out every now and then. We went to the amusement park and played basketball etc. I knew my bounderies though. I've never kissed this guy or had sex with him. He made it clear that he liked me but was respectful towards me cause I had a boyfriend. I didnt tell my boyfriend about this guy.

One night my boyfriend saw me getting out of this guys car and let me tell you he was HOT!!!! We got into an argument that night and we seperated for a week. Eventually we got back together after talking about the situation. I didnt want to be without him because I loved him so much and he felt the same so we worked it out. I cut of contact with this other guy 100%. It took some time for my boyfriend to trust me again too.

So the only advice I can give is, if you love her the way you say you do and want to be with her, give her another chance (hopefully this was her 1st offense). You may not trust her like you want too, but it will take time. Have a talk with her. I wish you luck. Hope this helped :)

Just to get some insight where you are coming from, why would you cross those boundaries if you knew it would lead to something very negative to your relationship? Did you ever consider cheating on your boyfriend?

Was your boyfriend ever able to prove that you did not cheat or did he get back together based on your word? I mean the guy is calling her every day and she knows what his intentions are and did not turn him away.