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m_a1001 · Dec 10, 2009, 12:19 PM

There was a guest identified on the site and she said she guessed it was me - I was there one time only- looked at a couple of posts and left - never been back and was told today that if I went onto it she was off

m_a1001 · Dec 10, 2009, 12:22 PM

JudyKayTee- I have asked her - she will not say anything- just that we should "try" to put that behind us and move forward.

tickle · Dec 10, 2009, 12:40 PM

Comments on this post
Jake2008 agrees: perhaps dear Tickle, that is the key to unlock this stalemate.

Yes, my dear Watson, (Sherlock taking a drag on his pipe) I think mayhaps you are correct in this regard !

JudyKayTee · Dec 10, 2009, 01:36 PM

Originally Posted by m_a1001

JudyKayTee- I have asked her - she will not say anything- just that we should "try" to put that behind us and move forward.

If she wants to put it behind her and you want to put it behind you - what's the argument over?

Stay out of her personal space and you'll be fine.

If she wants to quit school, also fine. It's her life and her decision. Are you sure you aren't trying to control her?

Gemini54 · Dec 10, 2009, 04:02 PM

Originally Posted by m_a1001

I totally accept that I have intruded on her privacy but I just didn't think- there is no way that I have gone on the site if I had even thought that this would be the response. I had forgotten as it was only a very quick visit some months ago and I spend a lot of time online (my work). No harm was meant even if that is not how it appears. My comment of everything "above board" was in response to a previous poster. I have never had reason not to trust my wife and did not think that there was or is anything more to this site than what it is - an online study forum- What I cannot understand is why she will not continue- I would like her to finish but she alludes to more than she says- she will say "you know what you did" - on the site - but I honestly have no idea about what she means- when I suggested calling it up - and she really freaked out-she refuses to expand or say what she means- I think that I am either being accused of something I didn't do (other than going online as a guest and not saying) or that there is an overreaction here- this is getting serious.

Something else is going on here...

Why would she totally freak out when you suggested going back to the site otherwise?

And, just as an aside, how did she 'guess' that you were the unidentified guest online? Surely it could have been anyone?

You say you weren't snooping - fair enough - she thinks you were and takes it totally over the top.

You did mention in a previous post that when she decides on a course of action she's totally stubborn about it. I'd like to know how your relationship is generally. How do you get along? Who rules the roost? Is you relationship warm and loving or do one or either of you deny the other one affection? How do you communicate about things that are difficult?

Something else is going on here...

m_a1001 · Dec 10, 2009, 04:04 PM

JudyKayTee- You know what - I don't know- I don't think so but I think you do- maybe she does- but how am I expected to feel when someone I care about blames me for stopping them for doing something that they say means so much (and subsequently hurtiing them so very badly)- (I feel really bad)- you know what though - it's their decision- not mine and I shouldn't accept responsibility for that- they're grown up and able to make their own decisions - I don't have that degree of influence

m_a1001 · Dec 10, 2009, 04:07 PM

Gemini54- I've been thinking about it and she is a person of absolutes- things are black or white - there are no shades of grey at all

Gemini54 · Dec 10, 2009, 04:23 PM

Originally Posted by m_a1001

Gemini54- I've been thinking about it and she is a person of absolutes- things are black or white - there are no shades of grey at all

But what is your relationship like generally? - tell us a bit more about it, and her...

JudyKayTee · Dec 10, 2009, 04:33 PM

Originally Posted by m_a1001

JudyKayTee- You know what - I don't know- I don't think so but I think you do- maybe she does- but how am I expected to feel when someone I care about blames me for stopping them for doing something that they say means so much (and subsequently hurtiing them so very badly)- (I feel really bad)- you know what though - its their decision- not mine and I shouldn't accept responsibility for that- they're grown up and able to make their own decisions - I don't have that degree of influence

I have no idea who you're expected to feel. I don't think anyone has any expectations in that regard.

I truly don't know why you are stressing over this - it appears you have decided it's her problem, not yours, and are comfortable with that. I've already told you that you have admitted you were on the site long enough to determine that nothing untoward was going on.

Tell her you've heard enough about it and move on - which I thought you were both ready to do.

Whether she sees everything in black and white and no shades in between does not matter - would I feel betrayed if I were in her shoes? Yes.

talaniman · Dec 10, 2009, 05:10 PM

If you know how she is then why not back off and let her emotions take there own course?

tickle · Dec 10, 2009, 05:20 PM

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

.

Tell her you've heard enough about it and move on - which I thought you were both ready to do.

Yes, this is one of those relationship issues that can go on through, what 250 pages and nothing is resolved. It is all back and forth.

So absolutey agree with JKT. Just get the it over and done with and move on from it. I am sure you will run into this same issue, as we have all done before, but you have to be mature enough to accept the status quo. You don't appear to be able enough to accept the outcome as she does.

You both, just get one with your daily lives.

I still get the impression, of reading back through the posts, that you don't trust her and something has gone on before this. So just let it go.

Tick

JudyKayTee · Dec 11, 2009, 09:25 AM

Comments on this post
Jake2008 agrees: How true. I could hold up an orange and my hubby would insist it was an apple.

I agree with him - it IS an apple! :)

SVImager · Dec 11, 2009, 11:21 AM

I have Not read any other responses, yet...

In the Geography of Bliss, the author mentioned one very important elements of being in a happy relationship is Trust.

From your original post, it sounds like you guys lost "Trust".
It will take time, but you guys can gain it back again.

What spurred you to spy on your wife?
Why did she have a such a strong reaction?

tickle · Dec 11, 2009, 12:23 PM

Originally Posted by SVImager

I have Not read any other responses, yet...

What spurred you to spy on your wife?
Why did she have a such a strong reaction?

We are just trying to find this out. Maybe you should read through our replies, OPs replies to get a feel for how this thread is going.

It is going in circles.

Tick

talaniman · Dec 11, 2009, 01:15 PM

Originally Posted by SVImager

I have Not read any other responses, yet.........What spurred you to spy on your wife?
Why did she have a such a strong reaction?

He has explained these details already, and has probably given her the space to get over herself, and they are back to normal hopefully, since he hasn't been back... yet!

JudyKayTee · Dec 11, 2009, 03:18 PM

Originally Posted by SVImager

I have Not read any other responses, yet...

In the Geography of Bliss, the author mentioned one very important elements of being in a happy relationship is Trust.

From your original post, it sounds like you guys lost "Trust".
It will take time, but you guys can gain it back again.

What spurred you to spy on your wife?
Why did she have a such a strong reaction?

As a trained/educated Psychologist you should know to understand the entire situation before replying.

Please read the other responses before asking/answering.