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Gemini54 · Sep 30, 2009, 11:43 PM

Sheesh, we hear you mate!

Look, I don't think it's healthy when people say, "I'll do whatever it takes to keep her/him". In the end it only builds resentment, because you don't feel appreciated for the effort you've made and you feel as if you've been disempowered in the process. It's not usually a good idea to hand your power over to another person, just so that they will stay with you.

I think that all you can do is explain, again, to her what the situation was. Perhaps put it in the form of a letter or an email so that she can see the words.

In the end it is her choice to feel lonely, it is her choice to be upset. She is behaving this way because it gets a reaction from you and discomforts you - she felt lonely, so she figures she'll make you feel upset that you didn't do enough to relieve her loneliness. In actual fact it is her responsibility to do things that will ease any loneliness she may feel in your LDR.

LDRs involve a lot of compromise, tolerance and patience. If you genuinely feel that you've done your best, then that is all that you can do. If she can't accept this, is unwilling to accept your explanations and 'punishes' you - then perhaps you would both be happier as single people.

ohsohappy · Oct 1, 2009, 12:18 AM

Just follow through with what you've told her.
She's insecure, if it gets too much you need to think of the next step, because her emotional baggage is not for you to bare, help support, yes, but don't let her dump it all over you. You can't be with her every minute of the day, she needs to find things to occupy her time so that she doesn't feel so lonely, or maybe get a pet.
You can't make her insecurities go away, you can only do the best you can with what you've got and not let it completely interrupt what's going on in your life too.
Seems to me like she needs attention all the time, and that is NOT your issue to deal with.

Terry MJ Carter · Oct 1, 2009, 05:21 AM

I agree with ohsohappy.

Call her only once or twice a day.
Don't try to find time to call her, don't be restless, call her when you HAVE time, when you're free.
She ain't going to call you each single moment,only when she's free she going to step forward.
When you call her, ask her about her day, had she had lunch.
You've been really busy all day, you wanted to call her but thought she might be in classes.
Each time before you hang up, tell her you love her, that will remind her of old times.

Don't keep on calling her all day long, she might feel that you've realized you mistake and what you're up to.

One more thing,

DON'T EVER COMPARE YOUR GIRL TO OTHERS, YOU LOVE HER FOR WHAT SHE IS, NOT FOR WHAT YOU WANT HER TO BE !

ohsohappy · Oct 1, 2009, 08:37 AM

Originally Posted by Terry MJ Carter

I agree with ohsohappy.

DON'T EVER COMPARE YOUR GIRL TO OTHERS, YOU LOVE HER FOR WHAT SHE IS, NOT FOR WHAT YOU WANT HER TO BE !

YES! It's way to easy for people to concentrate on what they want their partners to be rather than who they are. This causes rifts that might be beyond repair.

jaime90 · Oct 1, 2009, 09:39 AM

Aparently she doesn't really respect you like she should.

Anonymous91 · Oct 1, 2009, 11:21 AM

Originally Posted by jaime90

aparently she doesn't really respect you like she should.

That's how I feel! Why can't she respect the fact that I'm very busy! I go to college just like she does but I also have football which adds an extra 5 hours to my day!

Anonymous91 · Oct 4, 2009, 07:27 PM

Hey. Recently me and my girlfriend broke up. I have been talking to many people most of them girls, and they said that if ignore her that it will drive her crazy and that she'll start to wonder if I really got over her that fast. They said that alienization is the worst punishment to a girl. They said that they'll call if ignored long enough. I just want to know if this can really work?

DerelictHerds · Oct 4, 2009, 07:28 PM

Maybe, but history will repeat itself.

They're ex's for a reason

none12345 · Oct 4, 2009, 07:32 PM

It has work in many occasions but they just end up breaking up again.

Ignoring her is used to get over her not get her back.

ajGambino · Oct 4, 2009, 07:36 PM

"Ignore her to get her back"

Huge misconception as to how an ex comes back.

Ignore her for you, not her. Do this, and you wouldn't care about getting her back, but getting your life back.

itried · Oct 4, 2009, 08:02 PM

Ignoring her WILL definitely drive her crazy. If there's one thing that all women, all over the world, of all ages need, crave and go crazy for it's attention. Don't give her any and she will definitely be bothered. A lot, actually.

Getting her back and making it work with her is another thing altogether, though. She WILL wonder if you have gotten over her so fast and she WILL be curious as to whether you still want her and desire her because this is how life is.

The real question, though, is whether you want her back for the right reasons. If and when this plan of yours works, will you really want to be with someone who can be manipulated just because you took away a source of attention? She would be the equivalent of some sort of monkey in a psychology lab somewhere. Is this what you want? A monkey?

Cat1864 · Oct 4, 2009, 10:25 PM

What happens if in three days-three weeks-three months she still hasn't called because she moved on?

Don't play mental or emotional games just because you want to get back at her. Yes, that is what you are talking about doing. If you wanted a second chance, you wouldn't even be contemplating such a silly plan. Movies, books and other girls are not always the best places to get your information or ideas.

You broke up. Let her go. Leave her alone because it is in your best interest. Let yourself heal and unpack the baggage from this past relationship so that you don't drag your dirty laundry into the next one.

jaime90 · Oct 5, 2009, 09:57 AM

Well, she's not respecting your lifestyle. Seriously- I know what it is to have to respect when you don't really feel like it- as said before, my man is in the military, and being his fiancé, I have no say in what goes on in his career- he has a choice SOMETIMES, but overall the government does with him what they want, and I have to respect that because I LOVE HIM. This weekend he had drill for 3 days, and he called me twice, I didn't nag on him about calling me, he's busy- so what I deal with it- our "closeness" doesn't rely on phone conversations- it doesn't even rely on me seeing him- our love spans everything, and it seems like your girlfriend doesn't quite get it. I mean, when it comes to a relationship you don't want love without respect-(and vice versa) do you?

Anonymous91 · Jan 3, 2010, 02:25 PM

Me and my girlfriend of a year and a half have been broken up for the past 4 mnths. While we were broken up she started talking to another guy, while I just lived the single life. Well now I guess she didn't really like him that much because we're talking again and we're about to get back together. My problem is that it bothers me knowing that she may have kissed this guy. She didn't have sex with him because she isn't that type. I know its just a kiss and that we weren't even together but I really really love this girl and that's like the only thing that's bothering me! I didn't do anything with any other girl while we were broken up and as for her I guess I understand that sometimes it takes talking to other people to realize if the other person is the one for you. But it still bothers me for some reason! I really want us to be together but my jealousy of knowing that she probably kissed this guy while we were broken up is the only thing holding me back! I reall need help...

amicon · Jan 3, 2010, 02:32 PM

If want it to work out this time around you're going to have to let it go,you were broken up and not together so what she did is her business.
Let it go.

emopunk7 · Jan 3, 2010, 03:00 PM

Hey my advice is that if it didn't work once, it won't ever work. Same thing will happen again, eventually. Isn't it strange that just because it didn't work with the other guy, now she is coming back to you as a backup? You have to think. I made this mistake. Not a good turn out.

A4Effort · Jan 3, 2010, 03:20 PM

I agree with emo. Be very cautious. Take your time to work things out before rushing into things. Make sure that whatever problems existed in the past have been resolved. You surely broke up for a reason. This happened to me too. The woman who I was with wanted to "find herself" and "see what else is out there." I let her go and about a month later she came back running. She said that I was the only one she wanted to be with and that she will never have the same feelings again. We got back together and 6 months later she ended up having the same feelings again. We broke up and I was hurt once again.

So, take your time if this is something you really want. Make sure you work out any previous problems and make sure you can trust her because without trust you will not make it far. Communication is key and you also have to let go of the jealousy. If you cannot get over the kiss than do not take her back. Move on, be happy, and live your life.

Good luck. Let us know how everything works out.

Misshersomuch · Jan 3, 2010, 04:00 PM

I disagree with emopunk7.

Or, to be more precise, it depends on why you broke up in the first place.

Many issues may be worked out, but if the issues that made you break up in the first place are still present, you'll need to sort them out before entering a new relationship, unless you want to fall back into the same mess once again.

When it comes to the alleged kiss, I can understand your worry. But think of it this way, if you are getting towards getting back together again, maybe she realized that she wanted you?

You can't do anything with what she's done anyway, and given that you were broken up, she hasn't done anything wrong.

If it really bothers you what she might and might not have done on the break, why don't you ask her? Be honest with each other. The relationship isn't going to work out anyway if you're not honest with each other.

If you really want this, first make sure she really wants it as well. If yes, I say go for it. But take your time, there's no reason to rush things, you'll only end up hurt again.

Devorameira · Jan 3, 2010, 05:30 PM

The kiss (or more) she shared is minor. I'm sure that you were devastated when she broke up with you before. Do you really want to go through that horrible healing process again?

Odds are she will leave again when she gets the urge. The only reason she's back is because she hasn't found anyone else and is getting bored. She'll get bored again with you and be on her way!

notsurewhat2do · Jan 3, 2010, 08:19 PM

Take "A4Effort's" advice. The below situation just played out for me exactly like that; (and if she comes back for a third time, I'm saying Hel& No!

"I agree with emo. Be very cautious. Take your time to work things out before rushing into things. Make sure that whatever problems existed in the past have been resolved. You surely broke up for a reason. This happened to me too. The woman who I was with wanted to "find herself" and "see what else is out there." I let her go and about a month later she came back running. She said that I was the only one she wanted to be with and that she will never have the same feelings again. We got back together and 6 months later she ended up having the same feelings again. We broke up and I was hurt once again"