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jlove09 · Jul 3, 2009, 03:21 AM

Threads merged

I'm not trying to start a war or anything. Just want to make a point and a opinion. I know every time something happens, this forum tends to give the NC rule out to that person. Maybe, sometimes its not always about leading your own life and pretending to be happy without the person you love. Maybe, it's about being a friend she would always turn to in time of needs. Someone she trust, depend and care about so much. Something truly great can may be built after friendship, time and her starting to see the bigger person in you.
Make her feel special, like she's worth it. Not all the girls are out to have someone hanging around or just cause they feel guilty they're just trying to be nice. Maybe it is something she really wants. To take time, space etc. But we tend to put out the NC on them as soon as they ask for what they want. I know its hard, painful and everything but wouldn't you become a stronger person if you forgive yourself, her and stay there as her friend. Wouldn't she be impressed and admire that? I've been confused for the last 3 weeks. I've asked plenty of girls about this and they say the same. If she wants space, give her space but don't run away from her and stop being her friend. Cause she really wants time to herself. But I come on here and I get the NC. Maybe its just not about NC at times...

So what do you think? Cause I read a lot of stories and sometimes, I wish people would stop doing NC and running away...

makapuu · Jul 3, 2009, 03:46 AM

NC does not mean run away.

jlove09 · Jul 3, 2009, 03:51 AM

Pretty much like I'm not going to contact her cause I want to escape from her cause she makes me sad...

57373 · Jul 3, 2009, 06:16 AM

With contacting my ex after the breakup (personally) I either got severely depressed to the point of suicidal thoughts

Or severely angry to the point of screaming and throwing things.

So... I don't think we would be good friends.

Just a guess though.

slapshot_oi · Jul 3, 2009, 06:35 AM

Originally Posted by jlove09

Pretty much like i'm not going to contact her cause I want to escape from her cause she makes me sad...

You're right.

Do you like to put yourself in environments and situations that depress you? I don't.

I wish · Jul 3, 2009, 07:19 AM

I think you're confusing the meaning of no contact. No contact, in our context, is a recovery process, not a means of blocking someone out of your life forever.

No contact is when you are no longer objective about your feelings. When you analyse every little detail. When you continue to have false hope, but there is actually no hope. When you act desperate and cannot control your emotions.

No contact means to distance yourself from that person until you have recovered from these symptoms. Once both of you have recovered and feel more objective, then you can try to start a friendship. But keep in mind, you cannot force a friendship if one of you doesn't want it to happen.

inertia · Jul 3, 2009, 07:40 AM

Let me put it to you this way. By being friends you are showing how much you care by accepting their request. This makes them happy because it's what they want. Whether so-called friendship bounces back to relationship is unpredictable at best. By asking for No Contact, you are now asking them to care about you and your feelings at least for a short while. They want space from you. You want even more space (with no contact). 9 times out of 10, this will piss them off. Exes tend to get mad when you say you need more space than them because now they aren't getting what they want. If they respect your request for NC, then it shows they do care about your feelings. If they are upset, then they are selfish. Plain and simple. I went NC with my ex (who wanted to stay friends) and she went crazy. She lost control. If she was really a free spirited and loving person, she would have accepted that I needed time to process the break up without her around. Her true colors became apparent and it actually made me hate her for a while.

57373 · Jul 3, 2009, 07:40 AM

Originally Posted by I wish

I think you're confusing the meaning of no contact. No contact, in our context, is a recovery process, not a means of blocking someone out of your life forever.

No contact is when you are no longer objective about your feelings. When you analyse every little detail. When you continue to have false hope, but there is actually no hope. When you act desperate and cannot control your emotions.

No contact means to distance yourself from that person until you have recovered from these symptoms. Once both of you have recovered and feel more objective, then you can try to start a friendship. But keep in mind, you cannot force a friendship if one of you doesn't want it to happen.

Is there really ever hope for another 'relationship' even in the context of friendship,when one has hurt you so bad?

Personally I've done NC with bestfriends (besides relationships) and we just... go 100%

And a bestfriendship is hardly a relationship... so I'm pretty much aware I'll never make up with my ex.

inertia · Jul 3, 2009, 07:46 AM

I wanted to add something. If they say they just want to be friends and you accept, but try to pursue them anyway, then they will grow to resent you.

If you pretend friendship is what you want (and that's all you get), you will grow to resent them.

If you respect their need for space, but they don't respect yours', you will grow to resent them.

If you respect their need for space, and they respect your need for space, then you just broke up with a healthy, mature adult person and the both of you will still respect and possibly love each other meaning friendship would be detrimental to either of you moving on.

The only way friendship is possible (in my eyes), is if there are no feelings or attraction left from both parties (I have yet to see this).

57373 · Jul 3, 2009, 07:48 AM

Originally Posted by inertia

Let me put it to you this way. By being friends you are showing how much you care by accepting their request. This makes them happy because it's what they want. Whether so-called friendship bounces back to relationship is unpredictable at best. By asking for No Contact, you are now asking them to care about you and your feelings at least for a short while. They want space from you. You want even more space (with no contact). 9 times out of 10, this will piss them off. Exes tend to get mad when you say you need more space than them because now they aren't getting what they want. If they respect your request for NC, then it shows they do care about your feelings. If they are upset, then they are selfish. Plain and simple. I went NC with my ex (who wanted to stay friends) and she went crazy. She lost control. If she was really a free spirited and loving person, she would have accepted that I needed time to process the break up without her around. Her true colors became apparent and it actually made me hate her for a while.

Ha.Funny thing. My ex left me for someone else 3 times I think,well the first didn't really count but anyhow.

After the first time when I said we couldn't be friends,my ex started bawling in front of me,yes crying,real tears

And THAT THERE is selfish as hell,because I had been crying about the relationship and here my ex is crying about the fact we won't have a friendship.

She then said to me 'promise oh promise me you'll see me again'

"as friends?"

"yeah"

"hell no"

"WAA WAA WAA WAA"

Give me a break. So then my ex kept writing me for months and we were on and off on and off

It was always physical though,for some reason my ex didn't want to commit.

Until I found out why... someone else... my ex was seeing.. during this time... and also the reason we broke up in the past

I tell the guy what's going on and he says "OMG ___ YOU CHEATED ON ME"

They had been 'dating' two weeks.

She then crys to him and says "I can't SEE YOU AS A FRIEND PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME"

So of course after this I tell her to f*** herself

Then she apologizes to me THREE TIMES over the course of a week.

Then says I need to get out of her life

Well as you can tell...

This is why I can't do the friends thing... a nice elaboration for you all.

inertia · Jul 3, 2009, 08:02 AM

It's always ugly. I don't want to paint them as a villain because they don't realize how much it hurts. Then when you reject their advances, they write you off as the jerk. The only ex boyfriends girls remember fondly are the ones who literally are always there for them, but they hardly date them again (except when rebounding). "That Harry is a great guy (but I don't really respect him)".

inertia · Jul 3, 2009, 08:03 AM

Take away an ex's power over you with NC and they think you are a bitter jerk.

88sunflower · Jul 3, 2009, 08:03 AM

Each relationship that ends is an individual thing. Every person and couple are different. NC may work just fine for some and not for others. I think its your choice and what works for you. If you hear NC on here over and over, its just our opinions. Only you know in your heart what will work and what you need.

BMI · Jul 3, 2009, 08:06 AM

Sounds as if you want confirmation that remaining friends is a good idea.

Firstly, your not just interested in being friends, your interested in being "friends" so that you can get her back.

Secondly, even if you could get her back using this strategy it probably has a 10% chance of success, not great odds. Also consider that if you do not get her back how much worse you'll be off.

I say this because I wrote a similar thread years ago on this site questioning why members just throw out NC all the time regardless of the circumstances. I did not listen, I was not successful, it still bothers me years later. The advice here is some of the finest you'll ever get and I like many others are appreciative of that fact.

Think it through and govern yourself the way you think best.

Best of luck to you.

inertia · Jul 3, 2009, 08:17 AM

Originally Posted by 88sunflower

Each relationship that ends is an individual thing. Every person and couple are different. NC may work just fine for some and not for others. I think its your choice and what works for you. If you hear NC on here over and over, its just our opinions. Only you know in your heart what will work and what you need.

Actually I disagree with this kind of speech. Yes we are all different (mostly in small ways), but human needs are universal. When we end a relationship we always tend to think no one could understand because it was so different. While it may be true that your relationship was unique in certain ways, your basic universal human needs are what brought you into the relationship, therefore heartbreak is a universal feeling. How we cope can be more varied, but the healthiest way to move on from a relationship is to let it go. Hard to let go when you are begging for your ex's leftovers.

talaniman · Jul 3, 2009, 08:32 AM

I wish people would stop doing NC and running away...

Your not running away. Your accepting reality and dealing with the most important issue there is, YOURSELF, AND HOW YOU COPE WITH YOUR FEELINGS OF LOSS.

The break up is no longer and issue once it happens, the feelings that the break up causes are. They hurt, and affect our thinking, attitude, behavior, in some very profound ways.

That's what No Contact is about, healing, and coping so you can make good decisions for yourself based on facts, and not just emotions.

But I understand what your saying very well, mainly because everyone who has posted here, has said the same thing.

Read their personal stories if you don't believe me.

I predict, you will eventually heal, and be stronger, and wiser, and healthier, just as they have. If you take a few suggestions..!

88sunflower · Jul 3, 2009, 08:32 AM

Originally Posted by inertia

Actually I disagree with this kind of speech. Yes we are all different (mostly in small ways), but human needs are universal. When we end a relationship we always tend to think no one could understand because it was so different. While it may be true that your relationship was unique in certain ways, your basic universal human needs are what brought you into the relationship, therefore heartbreak is a universal feeling. How we cope can be more varied, but the healthiest way to move on from a relationship is to let it go. Hard to let go when you are begging for your ex's leftovers.

I see where your coming from and have no argument. I guess for me sometimes I sit back and see both sides and think only the individuals know what's best. I always try to have an open mind and have wondered why the NC is always pushed in these threads. Oh I do understand it. Trust me. Been there myself. I know I sound wishy washy on it. Maybe I am.

inertia · Jul 3, 2009, 08:57 AM

Of course you are wish washy, no contact starts as a short term fix and usually becomes permanent. When someone dumps you and you want the relationship to work out, NC is the last thing you want to do. That's why it's a beautiful thing. It's empowering yourself. The ex is no longer in control of your future. Now the ex feels abandoned and out of control. All of your actions appear independent of your ex's wants and needs. You are moving on physically to move on emotionally. When you can do it without rebounding as well, you are proving you have the strength to persevere through heartbreak's despair and emptiness without your ex. They can't do that even though they dumped you (hence friendship). The biggest fear dumpees have about NC is truly losing the person you love, but you lost them when they dumped you. You have to let them lose you too for your own pride and sanity. It's not a punishment to the ex, it's giving them what they asked for on your terms. Maybe, just maybe next time they will think long and hard before they break up with someone.

inertia · Jul 3, 2009, 09:03 AM

Most importantly, you are freeing yourself from someone you loved and when you are ready, you will be available to love someone just as deeply again. Vs. those who stay friends with all their exes (options) and never give their heart to someone completely. Remember, YOU felt those emotions, they are yours, not your ex's. You can feel them again with someone else, but next time you will be a little wiser.

inertia · Jul 3, 2009, 09:16 AM

Sorry, last thing (I'm on a roll). Getting dumped sucks because you were not preparing yourself and keeping your options open. I know people who keep options in their pocket until they get married, although I disagree with this because those options are so tempting when your relationship hits the skids (as all do at times). Just remember how many people you "could have" connected with while you were taken. You didn't reject them because they weren't a better option. You rejected them because you have dignity and integrity. You are a trustworthy person and until your relationship is officially over, you are not looking.

Ride out the feelings of desperation alone and when you are yourself again, more options will present themselves naturally (as they did when you were in a relationship). Let the bed hopping exes continue their pathetic unfulfilling lifestyle without your help. Chances are if they left you for someone else, they will continue doing so. Or at least they are under suspicion.

BTW, if you are dumped by a person because they just don't see it working and then stay single for a time, then at least you have the comfort of knowing they gave it all they could and didn't betray you.