[K_3]

He is going to say a lot of things to you to make you feel guilty and that you did something wrong. Do not believe them. By his telling you he does not love you know, he is putting you on the defensive. You are possibly thinking, what have I done to make him not love me now, he is the one who did the wrong thing, but what did I do to make him do that. None of this is true, even that he does not love you now. He is mad because you caught him and he is possibly angry at himself. He needs counseling and you need to get away. I do not know how much counseling will help when he won't bring up that he has had a past addiction with this. He is basically denying he has a problem. Until you admit the problem and admit you do want to do something about it. It is just a ploy to make you think he is doing something about it. You need to go ahead with your plans and leave and make sure your health is OK. See a doctor immediately. I am so sorry you have to feel all of the pain.

[kp2171]

sorry to hear this.

if I did this, and then refused to get appropriate help for it or appropriate help to mend the marriage, id probably be thrown out on my rear... and I have a great marriage to person who, like me, believes marriage takes deliberate, intentional work sometimes and shouldn't be tossed aside when things get tough.

when in doubt, always get tested. Its much easier to deal with reality than to worry about the unknown... because if you are not sure, you are still stressed about things that may not be of concern.

as for the hpv concern... I'm in no way saying its no big deal, as you know some of the concerns w hpv. But this could have easily come from a prior partner that you or he had. Hpv can be silent in the body for years and in men it is often asymptomatic. This does not mean he was unfaithful (as in having intercourse) or that he contracted this from the massage parlors. Sexual contact is required. There's no reliable test for men, and most women have the virus by the time they are in their 50's.

again, I'm not saying its no big deal. You'll need to schedule checkups with your doctor since you are +, but I just don't think you are ever going to know the source of the infection, due to its latency. I'm unsure about whether the latent virus consistently tests + or not. I do know younger women who test + can again test - later on... so its just tricky to try to decide when this contact occurred. j_9 or another member might have insights on whether the latent virus tests + consistently or whether it can test - for some time. Since I believe it is a DNA test, id expect you can detect latent virus, but there are detection issues still in some women. I know enough to know I don't know enough. That clear?

as for his being attracted to you... I know this is hard to take, but it might very well be he is absolutely attracted to you. Please don't look at this as a failure of you to satisfy him. I have a friend who is now in a solid relationship of several years. This guy has an admitted addiction to some really risky sexual behaviour with random women. He's largely cleaned himself up, still admits there's a strong drive, but a lot of it was an addiction to some kind of "danger" element... he loved risk and loved deviant behaviour, and it really had nothing to do with any of his partners not satisfying him. They could have done everything under the sun and hed still want the risk factor that his partner couldn't give. Near as I can tell, this guy seems to have put the behaviour in the past. But I'm sure he still craves it.

so your partner has put you in an awful place. I think you need to give yourself some time to figure out what it all means. You've got a lot to process.

if there is any "good" news, its like I said... id rather deal with reality. You know what's going on now. You can make decisions based on the truth. Sorry its been so painful for you.

[goldnugget]

Thank you for the advice. I saw my doctor today who said there is a small risk of catching some sexually transmitted diseases from massage parlors so I have had all the tests and just have to wait. I can't believe he says that what he has done is none of my business when he has put my health at risk. I also saw a counsellor today who suggested that I don't take his calls etc for a while until I get some strength back.

[kp2171]

Glad you saw your doctor. Just not good to put that off.

And yes, if his risky behaviour can lead to health issues for you, then you have every right to be offended and upset about his recklessness.

You need to do whatever it is you need to do to get yourself centered. If that means shutting him out for some time, its reasonable. I think you're even entitled to being "unreasonable" at this point. Only you can really decide what's right for you. Take your time. You're doing a good job handling an upsetting situation.

[goldnugget]

Thank you so much for all the advice so far. It has been helpful to talk to someone, even if it is just posting on here. I am finding it really hard to be away from him and harder not to call him. He says he still wants to go to counselling in the hope that we can work through it but that he needs to be apart from me to decide whether he still loves me and also that I still can't raise the fact that he had an addiction to being masturbated by these girls in the past. He says he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me up until I snooped on him and found all this stuff out. How does someone just stop loving someone like that. I don't understand it. I would never have snooped unless I had reason. I have never snooped on anyone in my life up until now and I always trusted him implicitly until this. I wish I didn't love him so much and could just let go of him because I know I will never be able to be with someone who can do that. Why would someone choose a dirty prostitute over a loving partner? I am still in so much pain and so confused.

[kp2171]

Wow.

What a master of shifting the blame... he loved you until you discovered the truth...

And he will agree to get help, on his terms, his rules.

I can't tell you how to stop loving someone when the breakup is harsh like this. I had a terrible breakup that took me a couple of years to get over.

I can tell you this. This guy is not willing to live in the same reality as you are. Things might have been great on some levels, but it sounds like he needs a hidden life to be happy.

An addict who is not willing to face the addiction is not going to recover.

You got a long road... and its going to hurt like hell for some time... but unless he genuinely has a change of heart and seeks REAL help and STOPS shifting the blame to you, I think you need the distance to begin centering yourself without him.

Do not let him get away with pushing his deceitful behaviour onto you. "im sorry you snooped and i was caught" is not an apology (my wife's fav line is "im sorry you are an a$$ isn't an apology). And his love for you has wavered because now he has trust issues with you??

He's clueless. He's embarrassed. He's trying like hell to shift the blame. Do not let him.

[talaniman]

Had to spread the love kp, but you are on the money. Addicts not only destroy themselves but everyone around them. I hope Goldnugget realizes that unless he WANTS help he will never get it. It is important for her not to believe anything that comes out of his lying mouth and to protect herself and her self esteem against his self serving attacks on her.

[kp2171]

I suppose another way to see where he is coming from is to go to the counseling sessions, agreeing to his terms in the beginning... just to see his approach. Is he inventing problems? Is he trying to shift the blame on your side? What exactly does he use this time for?

Ultimately, you know that the things which he refuses to get help about need to be addressed.

[goldnugget]

We had a counselling session today. We both told her our stories about what has happened and I feel much better for it. I finally felt like my feelings in this whole situation were validated. He actually brought up the fact that he had a past addiction to these prostitutes but said he wished he had never told me about it. The counsellor was so supportive of my reaction to the whole thing and wants to see me by myself again next Wednesday. The pain is still so great but I am feeling more like I am OK. He told the counsellor that he wants our relationship to work but that because I snooped on him etc that he is confused as to whether he still loves me and wants to be with me. I am looking forward to seeing her again next week by myself. She has helped me get my head around some of it and to make me feel OK about my pain.

[kp2171]

Well...

I think he's got a lot more work to do, but glad that he was willing to bring up the issue.

It might be that he finally sees how serious this is. My brother in law never, ever took his wife seriously when she left him, on two different occasions. Hed clean up a little, be better for some time, and then revert back to his old ways. He just never saw what was really at stake.

Now he knows, as he has been served w divorce papers and a restraining order. If hed only taken her pleas to heart and really, honestly gotten some help or changed his behavior, I know shed still be married to him today as she really did, and does, love him.

I hope your guy finally gets it. Good step forward. Glad to hear it.

[goldnugget]

Yes I understand what you are saying and I know that it has to end with us also. I'm not sure why I am hanging on really and it disgusts me that I would still let him touch me when he says that he doesn't love me anymore and given what he has done with hookers. I did it again tonight... I let him have sex with me because I love him so much but I know he doesn't love me. He said he has 'feelings' for me. I hate what I have become and I don't know what to do. I also don't understand why he would choose a hooker over me. A part of me feels like I want him to want me like that but our relationship isn't loving anymore yet I still want him to want me. It makes me sick that I would do that. I feel like I want to die. Why am I doing this? I hate him and I hate myself for letting him do this to me

[SINGLE4]

OK... Ask yourself one question... Do you really love him or do love the "security" of having someone there? Are you just maybe scared of being alone? DON'T BE!! I at one time felt the same way but guess what... now I am available to find "the one"! NO MORE WASTING TIME ON MR. WRONG!! MOVE ON!

Do you honestly think he is going to change? SERIOUSLY??

PLEASE FOCUS ON #1... YOU!!

[J_9]

Oh, wow, are you really seriously thinking about going back to this so-called man? Well, let me put this to you straight.

HPV (human papillomavirus) is a virus that is the cause of common warts of the hands and feet, as well as lesions of the mucous membranes of the oral, anal, and genital cavities.

So, yes, he can get HPV from masturbation. Notice that the warts were on the hands.

More than 50 types of HPV have been identified, some of which are associated with cancerous and precancerous conditions. The virus can be transmitted through sexual contact, and specific types of the virus are a precursor to cancer of the cervix.

So, do you want to remain with a man who cared so little for you that he truly put your life in jeopardy?

Transmission has taken place without the presence of warts, indicating that it may occur trhough body fluids, such as semen or cervical secretions.

Now do you think he is still just paying for masturbation, or is there more to the story?

There is no specific cure for an HPV infection but can be controlled by podophyllin or interferon (which you will now have to take meds for the rest of your life).

So, I don't mean to sound so harsh, but are you really going to give this man another chance? Apparently he cared so little for you that he put your life in danger for his simple pleasure.

Sounds rather selfish to me. This is a condition you will have the rest of your life and have the possibility of passing on to anyone who you are with in the future.

You need to think long and hard about staying with this man. Sure he is sorry now, or at least he says he is, but he does not really care for you or he would not have committed a sin against the holy sacrement of marriage. He committed a sin, murder is a sin too. What would happen if you got cervical cancer from his little escapades? Would he go back to his little massage parlor and wallow in self-pity?

[K_3]

You haved loved this man for quite a long time. You cannot turn love off like a water fountain (even though he says he can),it is natural for you to be drawn back into the relationship. For your healths sake you do need to be strong and not allow him to manipulate you. Have you asked him to go to the doctor and be tested? It will take him a long time to get better if he really wants to. From the sounds of what he is saying, he is not ready, he is trying to get you to take the blame and he is hoping to brush this under the rug by going to counseling. When he says he does not love you because of your snooping. Tell him, quit trying to make me the bad guy here, you did it. The best way to make an addict responsible is to put it back on them. Don't even think any of this is your fault. Do not take offense to his wanting a"massage person" more than you. That has nothing to do with you. He has a problem and it has nothing to do with his wanting or not wanting you. When in a relationship with an addict you must separate yourself from that persons behavior. They do what they do because they want to, no one makes them, and no one can make them stop until they want to. Do not even go there thinking you are inadaquite. Remember, it has nothing to do with you, other than the fact that you are terribly hurt by his behavior and addiction.

[s_cianci]

First of all, STDs aren't spread by masturbation so you have little to worry about in that regard. Unfortunately, your "partner" (you never did elaborate on the actual level of your relationship) has some serious issues if he is in fact doing the things you say he is. He needs extensive counseling and therapy. Until he shows significant progress in that regard I'd steer clear of him. Regardless of what he says, you have every reason not to trust him.

[J_9]

Unfortunately, S, HPV CAN be spread by masturbation. If the female has a cut on her hand and the man she is masturbating has HPV, then the ejaculate gets into the wound and voilà!! She contracts the HPV warts on her hand.

While unusual, it is possible. Look above at my thread. What I wrote up there was the definition of HPV out of Mosby's Medical Dictionary for Health Care Providers.

So, it is possible.

[goldnugget]

Well cinaci my doctor told me that quite a few diseases can be transmitted by masturbation, especially with a prostitute because they 'service' so many men a day. He said that hpv is one of them. I have never had an abnormal pap smear until now. He also said that I would be at risk of other diseases. He said that I was at low risk but still at risk. I have now seen the psych two more times and feel a bit stronger. I still love him but know that it has to end. I am just taking it day by day. He told me that he does love me again but my reaction to the whole thing made me question his love for me. I now realise he is sick and that I have to find a way to move on with my life.

[talaniman]

I suspect your getting it in gear and starting to look out for you. Good I support that kind of thinking 100%. Don't stop keep going.

[goldnugget]

I just wanted to thank everybody for their advice. I have moved back to my home state right away from him. He calls me and tells me that he loves me but I am stronger now and know that I have made the right decision. I am still getting counselling which is helping me heaps and know that I cannot live with a man who would do this. So... thanks everyone for your advice and support when I really needed it. You helped me a lot. I have a long road ahead but I know I can do it.

[kp2171]

I'm sorry you are in this place.

I'm glad you are taking the time to center yourself, wherever you end up.

Glad you found the site, including the tough love sometimes, helpful.