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redhed35 · Apr 6, 2009, 11:25 AM

Your lover listened but made it into a joke.. your husband does not listen,buy you gifts etc...

If you were on the outside of this situation how would it look to you?

I can let you know right now it does not fair well on you.. thats harsh.I know.

I'm not being very helpful here... have you tried talking to your husband?

Sit him down and tell him your not happy,in fact your so unhappy you want to leave,tell him you love him (dont mention affair) and would he consider you both get some help to get back on track.
I don't know you or your husband,but it seems YOU need to do something to save your marriage before the next guy who gives you some attention comes along.

88sunflower · Apr 6, 2009, 11:31 AM

My husband and I have had issues a few years ago, not involving an affair and we almost split. He knows I am not happy and he knows I want to work on changes. But a few years ago he never tried with me. I don't know what to do. I know the affair wasn't the right answer. I am not trying to justify it in any way. Maybe I don't know how to be happy where I am. I know its not greener on the other side. But maybe I don't know how to love my husband again. I don't know. Maybe I just need you all to listen and I need to hear what you all have to say. You must have all been in situations your not proud of, but you put yourself there and hit rock bottom so to speak?

kctiger · Apr 6, 2009, 11:33 AM

I got to say, if you aren't happy with your husband, and he isn't trying, then maybe it is time to call it quits. Life is too short to deal with someone who seems to have no desire to make things better. Yes, divorce sucks, but sometimes it is the better alternative to staying in a toxic relationship where both parties have made significant contributions towards its demise.

Romefalls19 · Apr 6, 2009, 11:34 AM

Yes, I can see where you are coming from. I have put myself in positions I am not proud of, and have worked my way back from rock bottom. I am proof that it can happen, mine happened after my break up. I found quotes that gave me inspiration so that if I got discourages I could read them and realize there is better out there and I have to make it happen. No one was going to give it to me. If he isn't willing to work this out or go to counseling than maybe it's time to see a divorce counselor instead.

88sunflower · Apr 6, 2009, 11:34 AM

I guess I am just so lonely and sick of it.

starlite1 · Apr 6, 2009, 11:38 AM

You said you and your husband went to counseling, correct, however you are still with the other guy, and your husband is not putting in the effort to also make things work. To me, this is disaster all around. I think you may want to think about ending your marriage, and your relationship with the boyfriend. It's poison all the way around. I can't see anything good coming out of any of this. Now there is lack of trust that I am sure your husband is feeling, you are not seeing changes in him, you are still seeing the boyfriend, and you don't care for him much anymore either. To me, the writing is on the wall.

88sunflower · Apr 6, 2009, 11:46 AM

I know. Maybe I am scared. I don't know. Maybe I am embarrassed over the affair. Again I don't know. Its been this crazy whirlwind and I lost who I was in it and I don't know what the heck to think any more. How can I make it work at home and how can we fall in love again. I have seen people get over affairs I know it can happen. I just want to love and be loved. Have any of you ever cheated? Or you know someone who did I am sure. There are 2 sides to every story. I knew it was wrong and stupid me did it anyway.

redhed35 · Apr 6, 2009, 11:49 AM

Sunflower,I have hit rock bottom and kept digging,I have done things I'm ashamed off and only GOD could forgive me..

We all make mistakes.
We all fall.
We all fail the ones we love at some point.
But.
This one you can fix.
Be honest,be brave,be true to yourself.
Find yourself a shovel and start digging your way out of that bloody mess!

starlite1 · Apr 6, 2009, 11:58 AM

Sunflower,

Perhaps a place to start is for you to go to a counselor by yourself, to help you figure yourself out, and what you really want. I know divorce is scary (if that is what is going to happen), I've been through it, but in the end it was for the best. Neither one of us cheated but I wasn't happy anymore, and even with marriage counseling, we both knew it was time to say good bye. After that, I sought counseling for myself. This maybe what you need.

88sunflower · Apr 6, 2009, 12:02 PM

I did see the counselor alone at times. But she had this amazing way of making me feel wrong. I know I am since I chose the affair. But sometimes her words made me feel less then I am or that I was wasting her time. So we did stop going to her. But my brother made a point to me. That years ago couples just stayed married. It was hell, they made it through deaths, illnesses, affairs, job losses, they just made it work and they stayed married. I agree with him. So many people these days just walk away the second they feel they "lost" it. I want to feel it again with my husband and hate what I have done. I am the child of divorced parents. I was 18 when they split and it sucked for everyone. I know what to do deep in my head. I guess your all helping me by telling me. Its easier to read it and hear it and have the advice.

88sunflower · Apr 6, 2009, 12:06 PM

But honestly... aside from the affair... I wondered what made my BF act like that. Constantly asking if I miss him and love him and calling nonstop. One night I didn't answer my phone and he called me like 13 times in an hour. Come on!! But he still wears his wedding band, saying his marriage is over and I am the love of his life? Does this make sense?? I just want someone's opinion on that at this point. Because this is one of his actions that did make me realize my husband was a good man. I just feel so down and guilty I chose this route.

artlady · Apr 6, 2009, 12:24 PM

Originally Posted by 88sunflower

But honestly...................aside from the affair..........I wondered what made my BF act like that. Constantly asking if I miss him and love him and calling nonstop. One night I didnt answer my phone and he called me like 13 times in an hour. Come on!!! But he still wears his wedding band, saying his marriage is over and I am the love of his life? Does this make sense??? I just want someones opinion on that at this point. Because this is one of his actions that did make me realize my husband was a good man. I just feel so down and guilty I chose this route.

I think he feels compelled to tell you these things to keep you as his women on the side.
He wants his wife and he wants a little on the side.
No one just wears their wedding band out of habit.That sounds false.

Perhaps you need to be alone right now,without any emotional involvement at all.
Neither of these relationships are healthy and it seems as if you are needing to have a man in your life,so you are accepting anything rather than being alone.

88sunflower · Apr 6, 2009, 12:41 PM

Well I don't know how much he has his wife. He moved her out almost 2 years ago. Which makes no sense to me. But anyway... on a lighter note. My husband and I are taking a mini vacation with our son in a couple weeks. Its much needed family time and I can't wait. I miss us as a family and I am lonely for us as a family. I hope its one more step to a road in the right direction.

I wish · Apr 6, 2009, 12:42 PM

Originally Posted by 88sunflower

But honestly...................aside from the affair..........I wondered what made my BF act like that. Constantly asking if I miss him and love him and calling nonstop. One night I didnt answer my phone and he called me like 13 times in an hour. Come on!!! But he still wears his wedding band, saying his marriage is over and I am the love of his life? Does this make sense??? I just want someones opinion on that at this point. Because this is one of his actions that did make me realize my husband was a good man. I just feel so down and guilty I chose this route.

Sounds like he's just holding on to his marriage as a safety net. If he knew that you really loved him back and willing to leave your husband for him, he would leave his wife for you.

Seems like neither of you want to take that step, so both of you are holding on to what you have.

Originally Posted by 88sunflower

Well I dont know how much he has his wife. He moved her out almost 2 years ago. Which makes no sense to me. But anyways................on a lighter note. My husband and I are taking a mini vacation with our son in a couple weeks. Its much needed family time and I can't wait. I miss us as a family and I am lonely for us as a family. I hope its one more step to a road in the right direction.

Good first step. Maybe this is what you need. A vacation to get away from all the stress. Maybe you'll feel more refreshed when you come back.

Broken marriages cannot be fixed overnight. You can either try to repair the damage or call it quits. However, you cannot repair the damage alone. You really have to fix your communication breakdown. Keep talking to him.

88sunflower · Apr 6, 2009, 12:49 PM

If he knew that you really loved him back and willing to leave your husband for him, he would leave his wife for you.

WELL... here is the thing. I did leave my husband. I moved out 4 days after Christmas. I stayed out almost 2 months. The BF didn't do a thing. He said he talked about a divorce with her. That's it. So during all this I realized I had made a mistake and wanted to go home. I also told my BF he was holding on to her as a back up. I told him he was just going to cheat on her again when I go home. He said that's not true. But I wasn't born yesterday. I know this. I just got so caught up in it and it blinded me.

88sunflower · Apr 6, 2009, 12:52 PM

Thank you all so much for listening! I feel like I am running in circles.

I wish · Apr 6, 2009, 12:53 PM

Originally Posted by 88sunflower

WELL..........here is the thing. I did leave my husband. I moved out 4 days after Christmas. I stayed out almost 2 months. The BF didnt do a thing. He said he talked about a divorce with her. Thats it. So during all this I realized I had made a mistake and wanted to go home. I also told my BF he was holding on to her as a back up. I told him he was just going to cheat on her again when I go home. He said thats not true. But I wasnt born yesterday. I know this. I just got so caught up in it and it blinded me.

Well then he has his chance but he missed it. Sounds like he's regretting it maybe?

Either way, I don't think you should go near this guy. He's a cheater himself. So even if you were to get together, you will always be insecure, fearing that he will cheat on you.

Just implement the no contact rule. Change numbers if you have to so that he can stop calling. He will eventually get the hint when you don't pick up or return his calls.

88sunflower · Apr 6, 2009, 01:10 PM

Well lets hope. I have been thinking that myself. He had his chance and missed out. So now I am focused on doing what's right. I will keep you all updated and definitely let you know how my get a way with my family goes. We are going April 16th-18th. I just can't wait!!

talaniman · Apr 7, 2009, 05:54 AM

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marria...an-328360.html

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marria...in-338525.html

Its not his issues that are important, but yours. You look for love in all the wrong places and the wrong ways and hurt yourself by running from your REAL issues, what to do about your marriage. Cheating is not the answer, as now you can't even relate to your married lover.

Your solution is to stop cheating.

88sunflower · Apr 7, 2009, 06:18 AM

I know I need to stop cheating. I know this completely and I want to. I am putting so much distance out there between us. He knows its coming. It will be so hard but I want to do it. I want this over. If I need to be divorced I certainly don't want it to be for another man. Its soooo hard to walk away but I can do it I know I can.