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Dunkonya21 · Mar 4, 2009, 09:00 AM

Originally Posted by A4Effort

Here read this. I know its long but it is this is my process.
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...me-322039.html

Basically, I was destroyed when she left me. I didn't know how do deal with it. You can read about the high's and the low's. Also, towards the end you find out how I she came back. It will answer many questions you might have.

Wow yea I took my time to read all of and it was very helpful. I can see where it was like the ocean ups and downs and sometimes calm. I can compare the situation that I'm in with yours but your girl at least said something to you about wanting the break. Mine she just went ahead which is really upsetting and just makes me feel really low. I'm 19 also ( I think I read somewhere where it said your 19. And she's 17 I know there's a gap and when people read this they will just consider it high school love blah blah.

I'm currently out of high school waiting for class to start I'm going to become a firefighter. And she's a senior in high school still. And really her thing was before I knew about this guy was that she wanted to have a "life" and be able to hang out with her friends. Like I have said before we really didn't have a healthy relationship together we were around each other every day living together. And I can and will take the blame for that because at times she would ask to go out and stuff and I would say sure but I would make her feel bad and so it was like she felt as if she had to stay. And I know that pushed her really far away.

And this "new" guy is a part of all her friends at school so it just sucks because like I have these mood swings where I'm confident that oh he's just a rebound guy they are only happy because she had her cake and was able to eat it to. And then I become really low and thinking ah crap I'm never going to be with her again...

I know right now she's miserable I can see her myspace well not the whole thing but her status and I can tell me giving her clothes back to her put a lot of stress on to her.

Dunkonya21 · Mar 4, 2009, 09:07 AM

It's not that I want things to be sugar coated or anything like that and I'm sure she will contact be regardless of the situation she's in. I guess I'm just wondering if there's any way things can/could work out between us and her beable to learn from what she did and what I have done. And move on?

Ill be honest 100 people will probably tell me the same answer and I won't listen this is pointless... I'm sorry for wasting everyone's time. :(

posey_84 · Mar 4, 2009, 09:13 AM

Is this hand on heart honestly the only time she has hurt u?

Dunkonya21 · Mar 4, 2009, 09:26 AM

Like this yes.

posey_84 · Mar 4, 2009, 09:31 AM

If she had hurt you before I would say no point trying to make it work. Saying that I think once a cheat always a cheat, sorry. I think if you get back with her your just being that 'doormat' that you don't want to be anymore.

Dunkonya21 · Mar 4, 2009, 10:00 AM

Originally Posted by posey_84

if she had hurt u before i wud say no point trying to make it work. saying that i think once a cheat always a cheat, sorry. i think if u get back with her ur just being that 'doormat' that u dont want to be anymore.

I'm going to be honest with you guys yes I know that once a cheat always a cheat and just I mean recently one of my friends told me that the more she talks to me the more she likes me. Because I was helping her out with some problems. But like when she told me about she liked me I was like hmm should I try it out and see if I get caught?

I'm not like that at all but what I'm getting to is that I was on the verge of doing something because of all this. Me and here went through a lot of stress when she was living with me back in november/december and part on January. Like stress that nobody should go through and it was about my mom. My mom is a cancer patient and she is in recover and its been 8 years since she was diagnosed with non hogkins. Well to make a long story short my mother is legally addicted to the medz that she takes and has a problem the me the only person in the house had to deal with. And at that time my ex was living with me thorugh out the hard struggles that I was facing. My ex and her mom don't really get along too much so she was living with me. Well going through all the stress with that me myself I don't know how to deal with my mom and when I would get stressed out about my mom I would take it out on her. And of course she went to school she would have a break and she played high school basketball and stuff but if it wasn't school she would be at home with me. And like I couldn't leave to go anywhere or go hangout because I was afraid of my mom finding her medz and mis using and all my family would blame me because I wasn't there which there not and that another issue.

So there's times she wanted to go back to her mom's or go hang out and I would make her feel bad about it and wanted her to stay so I wouldn't be miserable and lonely. And she was there for me through that and stuck it out and she was the shoulder that I could lean onto. When I needed her. And it's like now she's gone I really don't have anyone besides like 2 friends...

posey_84 · Mar 4, 2009, 10:12 AM

Look sorry but your still making excuses for her so this is pointless. Your going to get back withher no matter what we say and ill put money on it she will hurt you again. I'm sorry to here about your problems and this is not a competition but since I got with my husband we've gone through 4 close family deaths (2 very tragic) then my father asked me to quit school and look afetr him because he was dying of cancer, I did and 6 years later he's still alive (my own father lied to me) we've had 2 miscarriages and now infertility to deal with amongst many other things but the reson I know I'm with the right person and vise versa is because through ott all of this we became stronger for each other. Neither of us cheated, I'm not saying it hasn't crossed my mind to leave and maybe its crossed my husbands mind too but we stuck it out and helped each other through because that's what couples do. Do you see what I'm saying? Your girlfriend SHOULD be with you when your going through tough times with your mam but she jumped ship and cheated and your STILL makiing excuses for her??

BiWiccanAndProud · Mar 4, 2009, 10:24 AM

Okay I read the whole thing and here's what I got to say. You're plan sounds good, DO NOT CONTACT HER! Wait it out for maybe a week. Do you have any common friends? If you do talk to that friend about how much you miss her and want her back and hope that the message relays back to her and she gets the idea. Here is why I suggest this. You said usually you contact her right? Well after a while that girl is going to think you are mighty ticked with her and are never coming back, that in it's self is enough to discourage a girl from calling an ex. If she knows that, though you are angry, you still want her back, it will encourage her to give you a call or text.

Two years is a long time and I know I would be just as heartbroken if my man (who I have also been with for two years) ever cheated on me. I would probably be doing the same as you, wishing I had him back.

But yeah just use some common friends as a middle man. They may realize it they may not. If the message never gets relayed to her then you can just hope that after a bit she realizes the mistake she made and she contacts you. Best wishes.

De4rest · Mar 4, 2009, 10:24 AM

Well everyone wants their ex back when they just first broke up with them. I was there. You should stop fantasizing and hoping because if she loves you enough, she won't cheat on you! She might like you etc. but think about this. Let say you get her back and when she's bored or if she thinks you don't live up to her expectations and she does not like that, she might cheat again... do you want that to happen again? Please think rationally not emotionally! Is that what you really want out of a relationship??

BiWiccanAndProud · Mar 4, 2009, 10:35 AM

Cheating doesn't always mean the person doesn't like you. I have a best friend that is just like his ex. She has cheated on multiple boyfriends because she has no clue how to work a serious relationship. She has never seen a stable relationship in her life and I think that is where some of it stems from. It's either because she can't choose who she wants or is unsure which one really likes her back. Sometimes she just likes the guy so much it scares her and she runs away or tries to compare current boyfriend to what else is out there and make sure it is what she wants.

So again cheating doesn't always mean they don't like you or they think they can do better sometimes they really are just confused. However there is always the chance that that is how they are. I think people should get second chances but always keep this in mind "Hurt me once shame on you, hurt me twice shame on me." Basically if you want to go back do it, but if you get hurt again it is no ones fault but your own. There is always some risk in love.

Justwantfair · Mar 4, 2009, 10:36 AM

Just stick to the NO CONTACT, like De said, we all want our ex's back. Our judgement isn't clear, it's clouded with pain and rejection.

Give yourself time, you will still feel like this for awhile, but continue to stick to NC. Fight your urges to break it. Let her make the first move this time, if for nothing else, but because she moved on without you, her error. What do you have to go back to apologize for. Besides you already stated that you are always the first to make contact following a break... it's her turn.

With time, you will gain the perspective of knowing how you want to handle her contact, if she makes it. There is a light, uncover your eyes and push away some of those clouds and you may start to see it.

coyne740 · Mar 4, 2009, 10:37 AM

Dude, you aren't going to listen to anyone on here, but I think that NC is a good way to go - I have done it for two days now, been keeping busy and already I can see myself a bit happier... realizing that my ex was a loser and a needy person that could never have been happy with me and vice-versa. Who knows, maybe you'll go NC and realize that you DON'T want her back. The only thing I can say is seriously, don't be a wimp and call her, keep busy, workout, read, write, paint, whatever. You are training to be a firefighter, are you already a volunteer in a small community? If not, do that.

I have only been out of my relationship for 2 weeks, but even now, coming here, reading the messages people leave and the advice of complete strangers is helping me. But for God's sake, don't call, text, email, "run into", whatever her. For all intents and purposes, she is dead and it's time for you to grieve and move on.

posey_84 · Mar 4, 2009, 10:38 AM

Biwiccanandproud: I agree with what your saying BUT just because she's having problems doesn't mean he should keep getting hurt, which she's bound to do again, plus she didn't support him very well through his problems with his mother x

BiWiccanAndProud · Mar 4, 2009, 10:41 AM

posey_84: *shrug* again in the words of my step mother "Hurt me once shame on you, hurt me twice shame on me". You never know how things will play out. He could date her again and she never cheats again, but she could cheat again. I always say 2 times a charm. If they do it a second time consider it over. If they cheat on you like 20 times then move one, but once doesn't always mean always.

artlady · Mar 4, 2009, 10:45 AM

I guess she would want you back if you fixed whatever it was about you that she thought was broken.
You would need to prove to her that you ,in fact ,have changed and you will comply with whatever it is she wants.
Expect,however that you may spend your future doing her bidding.

Dunkonya21 · Mar 4, 2009, 05:43 PM

Well it's been 1 day and it seems like its been like weeks. I feel as like the ocean. I get up and down and then at times Im calm about everything. I just want you guys to know I do listen to what everyone has to say. And really appreciate the people who took time out of there lives to read about mine.

If anything out of this there's something that whoever I talk to is that I need to work on myself. Work on not always being a doormat when it comes to females. That's one thing I'm going to try m hardest on doing to be honest I don't really know how to go about doing that. I'm looking for a job Im going to be joining a gym so Im going to be active and work on my physical side and Just well I would say day by day but right now it seems minute by minute.

One of the other big changes I'm going to have to get used to is CHANGE.

Justwantfair · Mar 4, 2009, 07:32 PM

It is minute by minute but that turns into hour by hour and eventually day by day. It's a process, sometimes slow, sometimes we regress. Just keep going forward.

Write on hear anytime, make this your own personal journal. You have plenty here that support and have been where you are. Don't spend TOO much time dwelling, but when you are having a rough go of it, write here. It will help you from reaching out to the wrong person.

Just be patient with yourself most of all. Break ups are difficult. Do all of those things you are thinking about, making time for yourself. Try as much as possible not to dwell on it, too much dwelling, leads to too much rationalizing and excuses.

serenitylynn · Mar 4, 2009, 08:25 PM

Give her some space and let her come to you. I know that's not what you want to hear but if her feelings for you are strong enough she will realize what she had and come back to you. I was in a similar situation about a year ago now. My boyfriend/fiance of 3 1/2 years felt like he wasn't getting "enough" from me. He started having feelings for somebody he worked with. He told me about her and started pursuing things with her. We live together and we were stuck in a lease with each other so we spent a good amount of time together. I had a family thing to go to so I took off for about a week or so. Within that week he realized what I meant to him and realized he couldn't see a future without me. Less than a week after I got back he told me that it was over between them and within a month things were so much better than they were before her. For a while before this happened things weren't going so well for us. We lost track of what made us love each other. I realized that when "she" came in the picture. For him it didn't sink in until he had to spend some time without me. So long story short, let her realize what she lost and once she realizes that then if she wants that back she'll come back. If she doesn't then your better off without her.

Dunkonya21 · Mar 5, 2009, 08:29 AM

The worse times of the day are mornings and at night. Im just having restless nights and I swear I would wake up every hour or so and each time would go back to sleep I would have a different dream about her. It's pathetic and I hate this.

I forgot to mention about what happen yesterday. Well I was reading up on here about the no contact rule and stuff and just double checking on knowing on what to do. No text phone calls don't go seeing her on purpose and try not to hear anything about her and don't go looking at stuff etc etc. Well I was like OK well that's good because I will never hear anything about her so I have a leg up on that one. So that's what I thought...

I get a phone call from a old high school buddy of mine and when I seen the number pop up the 1st thing I thought to myself was oh boy he's probably seen them together since they live pretty clode to each other. To get to his house you would have to pass hers. Well anyway he called me and I picked it up and he was saying sorry to hear about the breakup if you want to hangout just give me a call. ( which is good because that's another person I can chill with even though its close to her house :( ) at this point I'm like he didn't see them then he's like but yea dude I just seen them walking and holding hands...

That killed my mood because I was doing so good at that time. And when I heard that it's like I did a 180. At that point I was really pissed off and I wanted to call her. Never did I want to cll her so bad. So I grabbed my phone and I

Didn't call her :) back in the day I normally would have. I would have either called her or send her a text message. But I do get into these moods where I want to call her and be like WHY?? And just end things peacefully because that was my second longest relationship but more serious then my longest.

The hardest thing I'm dealing with are the "What If's" and all that and it just bugs me not knowing what's going to happen. I'm also having a problem being curious. And what I mean is checking her myspace and checking his myspace. I started to make this a big deal when I seen this on his myspace profile, You know you can set your status and mood? Well this is his.

Status: Figuring S*** out ( F*** facke b******)
Mood: Intense

When I first seen that I was like I wonder who that's about... my ex?
My then I dramatically calmed down and realized that could be about anyone and if it is about her that doesn't change a thing. I looked today ( I know pathetic) and its

Status: Stompin fake b******
Mood: Man up

So to be honest I don't know what that means and I'm going to try and not put too much effort into that. He did put a picture on his profile of her saying my baby. It's just sick it makes my stomach turn just thinking about if they fooled around and stuff. I don't try to think about that too much.

I know I'm probably going to repeat myself but out this while relationship the longest I went without talking to her is 3-4 days I know pathetic. So this is something that is very hard for me to do. But I'm doing it :) :( and I'm really hating these mood swings it's not me at all. Im more of a calm relaxed kind of guy.

I wonder if she is truly happy with him? To be honest I don't think she is happy with herself. But who knows maybe she is having the time of her life and not having any regrets at all...

Romefalls19 · Mar 5, 2009, 08:35 AM

Ok, first thing, delete both of their myspace, Facebook, bebo whatever social site. They will destroy your no contact. Second, delete her number out of your phone, set her e-mail address to go directly to trash because that's what she is. Every time you think about her, think about her sharing herself with another guy. That should make you angry, hell it ticks me off and I don't even know then girl. Cheaters don't deserve anything, especially respect.