I don't know what to do!

slapshot_oi · Feb 6, 2009, 02:01 PM

Originally Posted by k3441

...I'm being made out to be a monster when infact I have simply made a mistake. It isn't true once a cheater always a cheater because I would never do it again that's for sure. I find there aren't many forgiving people in the world after reading some posts here and there about cheaters. Everyone deserves a second chance I think.

I have a problem with that and here's why: you're talking as if you're the victim. I read "everyone deserves a second chance" and "it was a simple mistake" as "I refuse to held responsible". You're trying to soften your choice--you didn't slip on a banana peel and wind up naked with some other guy--to cheat instead up owning up to it fully. You're making it sound as if it's not as bad as everyone seems to think it is. Well I got news for you, it is bad, real bad, and the fact that it happened two years ago don't matter: people don't forget.

Cheating in a relationship is the ultimate form of disrespect, and there is no amount of time can change that. He won't stop acting this way because he feels you don't deserve any better. His friends are probably putting thoughts in his head too; this is a battle you can't win.

And, if you two are still together, he shouldn't be treating you that way, he shouldn't even yell at you, no man should treat his woman in such ways, but it's your decision to stay in yet another destructive relationship.

We all fall down at some point and make bad choices, but it's the smart ones who realize the magnitude of what they've done and do their best to learn from it. From the way you talk, it just doesn't seem like you've fully come to terms with it.

Originally Posted by Bonnie46

Kelly, you made a mistake and you slept with another guy. You cheated. big deal. Your boyfriend may not strike you with his hand or fist, but he IS striking your heart and your mind (or thoughts) with his tongue.

You must forgive yourself for cheating, and now protect yourself. You deserve to have love and laughter and feel free and happy. You deserve everything in the world. Please believe me.

You deserve the greatest EVERYTHING that this world can give you. You have to make yourself acknowledge and BELIEVE this.

unfortunately - if/when a relationship doesn't start out "perfect", it rarely gets better. it's just one of those life things. you can't change him, but you can change your behaviour - by moving away from him.

I know you're strong enough. xo

Not only is that the wrong thing to say (cheating is not a big deal?), that is the phoniest post I've read this week. You're either really young or a serial cheater yourself.

k3441 · Feb 6, 2009, 03:35 PM

I don't think I am the victim for what I have done, I am really discusted in myself in a bad way for it! I got into counseling and I have apologized countless times and have tried to make it up to him. I think cheating is a big deal and I was stupid to do it!

talaniman · Feb 6, 2009, 10:36 PM

Forgive yourself, and move on, with a good lesson under your belt.

roxypox · Feb 6, 2009, 11:08 PM

K: you should take tals advice, and I do believe you have repented, but seeing as he still has problems with it... it might be time for you to move on and get out! He will prob never get over it, like slapshot said, no matter how much time passes.

So the only thing you can do now, for yourself is to get out and move on. This relationship doesn't sound healthy on either of you, and that is no way to live life. Life is simply too short for that.

k3441 · Feb 7, 2009, 01:19 AM

I heednhelp
Mbledeedingi

XM8 · Feb 7, 2009, 02:51 AM

What more can we tell you? I know it's not a nice thing to say but you messed up and caused this in the first place. Now that you've repented at least you can walk away from this relationship knowing that a) you apologized and meant it b) that you've learnt a new lesson : DON'T CHEAT

I think that is sufficient reason for you to move on now isn't it? After all you just can't work it out anymore.

-Xm8

slapshot_oi · Feb 7, 2009, 02:34 PM

Originally Posted by k3441

I don't think I am the victim for what I have done, I am really discusted in myself in a bad way for it! I got into councelling and I have apologized countless times and have tried to make it up to him. I think cheating is a big deal and I was stupid to do it!

Being disgusted with yourself ain't any better, that's dual of acting as if it didn't really happen.

You should look at it in a positive light and learn from it. I've been the cheated and the cheater and I've learned so much, I'm glad they both happened while I was young. I was angry at the time when I found out my ex cheated on me, but after I got over her I sorted out all the pieces and realized what caused her to do it and now I feel more prepared than before.

Alty · Feb 7, 2009, 02:48 PM

I agree and slightly disagree with some of the posts.

Yes, cheating is a horrible thing, there's no excuse, it's hurtful, harmful and downright cruel, but, he forgave you, took you back and then continued to remind you of your past mistake.

He hasn't forgiven you, he never will. This is a love hate relatioship, it won't get better.

So your options are this, leave him, realize you made a mistake, forgive yourself for that mistake and make sure you never do it again. Find your happiness with someone else, because he's only making you miserable, that's not love.

Second option, put up with his anger, his hatred, and the fact that he'll never let this go. Be miserable, constantly tell him how sorry you are, realize that no amount of "I'm sorry's" is ever going to make a difference and just accept it.

How long do you plan on punishing yourself? Yes, you made a mistake, yes, it was a horrible mistake, yes, you had a choice and you made the wrong one. The choices you make now are up to you and only you.

I've been a cheater, it was a long time ago, I was young, stupid and didn't give a darn about anyone, so I do have to say that not all cheaters remain cheaters. I've been with my husband for 19 years, I've never cheated on him, never will, that's part of my past, I've made peace with it, that's what you have to do too.

Great, more info about me. :(

k3441 · Feb 7, 2009, 04:41 PM

I agree it is time for me to move on. It's going to be hard sad road for awhile but it's what I have to do. No sense spending so much time on a losing battle. I will learn from my mistakes and not repeat them in my next relationship. Thanks to all who have helped me out with this...

k3441 · Feb 10, 2009, 10:16 PM

Just an update on how things are going, I'm starting to go to AA meetings, and I'm also going to attend counseling more often.
Things are tuff right now but I think they will eventually start getting better!

I really appreciate all the help from you all, even if some of it was slightly hurtful but I know some things needed to be said. So Thanks.

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