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Desolee · Jan 6, 2009, 11:33 PM

Originally Posted by thadevilsadvocate

So, he gave you his word, went against his word. That is the bottome line. Imagine that he never caught you.........what were you going to do, stay in the relationship with a liar? So, realize that the relationship was not healthy with him being a liar, and that you are developing a false image of your relationship because you are feeling guilty of how you found out.

True enough. Sometimes ignorance is bliss... and I can understand that because at the moment, unfortunately, I really miss ignorance.. ;) I suppose one way or another things were bound to come out in the open.

N0help4u · Jan 7, 2009, 08:51 AM

Yes I think the trust is broken on both sides. I have seen love turned off like a switch when it involved something where the other did something so out of character that the other person felt they never really knew the person. That is what he is probably going through and it will take a lot of time to get him to let himself get emotionally attached again.
Even though I said what did he really do... I still do think that as others have said you can't be putty in his hands or be a doormat or bend over backwards because when girls do that guys end up taking them for granted and treating them rudely.

All you can do is keep communicating and see where it goes.

Desolee · Jan 7, 2009, 04:54 PM

Thank you all for your answers - they've helped me to gain some perspective on the situation.
I'm still hopeful of the possibility that through patience and time we'll get to a place (or rather that he will get there because I've already arrived) where we can at least attempt to talk through what happened and decide together whether it can be repaired.
I realize that for anything really solid or healthy to come out of this I need to address the part he played and not contiue to assume all of the blame. He's not ready to hear that yet though. I know that giving him time and space is a good idea, but I struggle with the question of how much time, and how much space..

NItEMArE129 · Jan 7, 2009, 08:21 PM

It'll definitely take time for you both to calm down. But whatever happens during this time, be prepared for it. He or you might fancy another person, or you may both remain faithful to each other. Don't put too much hope into it because that would be too optimistic. And when, or if, you two talk about this, you both need to keep in mind that you were both in the wrong.
And also, to try to help you understand why he might be chatting with other girls, it might just be because he's not very good at commitment. The fact that he went against his word to you means that you weren't important enough to him at that period for him to stop. That's just a possibility, and I'm sure there are probably many others, but it's hard to tell him to stop if you don't understand why.

Desolee · Jan 10, 2009, 05:07 PM

Update:

It's been a few days, and he is still very upset with me, but seems to be having moments in between where the anger is waning. We've had several periods where we've been able to interact with each other almost "normally", and then he suddenly seems to realize he's forgetting to be angry with me, and the chilly demeanour returns. At times he maintains that he doesn't think it's something he'll get over, and at others he shows interest in trying - and at no point since we've started talking has he stated that he no longer wants to see me.

I'm wondering if this is a normal part of the process in dealing with this for him - I'm finding it difficult to handle hot and cold signals, but I'm trying to be patient as I realize this may be a long road for us.

Does anyone have any input on this development?

NItEMArE129 · Jan 10, 2009, 05:33 PM

Be patient. It's not over yet, so just wait until he's willing to be reasonable.

talaniman · Jan 11, 2009, 08:37 AM

How do you try and work with someone, who is not working with you, and there are no honest communications between you? Being patient is not your answer. Being more demanding of what you need is, and if that means leaving him in his funk alone, so be it!

starbuck8 · Jan 11, 2009, 09:43 AM

HE doesn't know if HE can get over this? He hasn't got a clue, and is still dumping the entire blame on you! He can't even see that if it wasn't for his lying and going behind your back, you wouldn't be in the situation you're in now! If he doesn't even see that 90% of the blame is on his shoulders, then rest assured he will do things like this to you again.

starbuck8 · Jan 11, 2009, 09:53 AM

I also want to add something. You said he has never mentioned that he doesn't want to see you anymore. Why are you sitting around waiting to see what HE wants? Will you just stay until he TELLS you it's over? Have you even had a conversation about his part in this? Or, has that been brushed over because he has shifted the blame? If he said he doesn't know if he can get over this, trust me he will use this against you in every single argument you get into in the future.