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starbuck8 · Jan 2, 2009, 02:56 AM

What I see here is that you are making her the center of your being, and everything you do revolves around her! In the beginning she wanted you to do things that she liked, so you dropped your things and only did what she wanted you to do. Then you didn't know what to do with yourself, so you clung even more to her! Then she turned around and said... wait a minute, I have to entertain this guy all of the time, and now I'm not so happy with this! She needed to ask you for space, but you aren't hearing her! You are being clingy and needy. Girls don't like clingy needy guys!. and visa versa! You really haven't changed what you were doing before.

You only started doing the things you liked because she asked you to. Be honest! If she turned around tomorrow and said she was wrong, and wanted you to start doing all of the things that she liked again, you would do them wouldn't you? I'm pretty sure the answer to that is yes!

It really doesn't even sound like you have really broken up! You said you used to call her 5 times a day. Are you kidding me? No wonder she asked for space. Now you are only calling her once a day, and I can tell if you could go back to 5 times, you would! You need to back off and give her what she asked for! If you don't do that, trust me you WILL lose her.

What you NEED to do if you want your relationship to work, is go through the actual time apart. You need to talk with her and tell her that you've realised that you haven't been respecting what she asked you to do, which is giving her space. Then DO IT! Stop calling her everyday. Give her a chance to miss you for God sakes! What are you afraid she will do if you don't call her? Are you afraid that she will forget you exist, and date someone else? If she did want to do that, you can't stop her anyway, and holding her tighter won't keep her closer, but in fact will do the opposite.

greystoke · Jan 2, 2009, 03:08 AM

Hey starbuck8... wat your saying makes perfect sense... and I have to agree with you 100%. It kind of hard to give her space cause our friend group is the same we go to college together... and she's my neighbour... so I guess the only space I can give her is by reducing the phone calls... but now I find she calls me quite a bit.. should I not answer her calls sometimes?

starbuck8 · Jan 2, 2009, 03:21 AM

Well I think you should talk to her, and tell her that it's confusing things when you are still talking everyday, and hanging out. Take control of the situation and tell her that maybe a little distance will help both of you to think more clearly and start behaving like you did in the beginning. For now, you both need that break. You need it yourself and you don't need distractions. Of course you will miss talking to her, but either of you calling all of the time will just not help with that. That is the only way she is going to take you seriously.

greystoke · Jan 2, 2009, 03:37 AM

Thanks again starbuck8!. I shall take your advice and see how it goes. When it comes to hanging out... since we have common friends and go out all the time... do you think I should also limit how much she sees me by not hangin out with her as a group? She just called me a few minutes ago and asked me when I was coming back since I'm out of town visitn the parents...

starbuck8 · Jan 2, 2009, 04:00 AM

Yes, I would limit hanging out in the same group for a little while. I know you have the same friends, but being around the same places all of the time is not going to change things. Again, if she sees you everyday or even several days a week, she has no time to miss you. She's not actually treating you fairly either. She wants her space, but she keeps on calling and hanging out with you too. She needs to make up her mind which it is that she wants!

greystoke · Jan 2, 2009, 04:09 AM

Yeah that's true... but what if all she is doing is trying to solidify our friendship first so we can actually get back together... I know for a fact she tells me stuff she doesn't tell anyone... so my only concern is if I stop calling her wouldn't the bonding stop? Cause I tried this the first few weeks we broke up... and all it did was put some serious distance by the way us... and we started talking like we were strangers... so I was like screw that and started talking to her more... and she opened up to me so much... so you can see why I'm a little worried about doing it all over again

starbuck8 · Jan 2, 2009, 04:35 AM

This is just a lot of game playing and guessing going on. There is no real communication. If you have a "bond" a couple of weeks or even months isn't going to make it or break it. If after only a few weeks you were talking like strangers, then that is what you are! I believe what you are doing is mistaking acting like strangers, to acting awkward because you weren't communicating with her. I don't mean just talking to her or seeing her, but actually listening. That goes both ways. You are overthinking this. Even I'm making this more complicated than it needs to be, with my answer. Don't think it to death or you will only cause more problems.

Good luck!

greystoke · Jan 2, 2009, 05:08 AM

Yeah I think what you say is true... it was definitely awkward.. maybe that's what I mistook for us acting like strangers. Anyway for the first time in ages I've actually been ignoring her calls... and already I have like 2 messages on 2 missed calls. I didn't respond to anything.. I plan on telling her I was busy working on my sculpture... which is true... I think I need to get some space and give it to her whether she wants it or not.. cause I know I need it to get myself back on track. Thanks Starbuck8

talaniman · Jan 2, 2009, 09:53 AM

Get a life without her in it, and leave her alone, unless you can handle JUST being a friend. If you can't and think she will change her mind, disappear from her life because you'll never be romantic partners again.

Honestly, you won't even be best friends once someone else comes along. Sorry that's how it works.

N0help4u · Jan 2, 2009, 10:05 AM

One month is definitely not enough time for her to feel comfortable that you have changed. She needs much more time of being just friends to see that you are doing it for you and not something temporary to prove that you can be different. It takes time to establish a FOR REAL set pattern of change. She realizes that one month is only enough time to 'sucker' her back in and then you start your same habits again all too easily.
Give her more time and continue with the change. Quit asking when because it only reinforces her uneasiness of your sincerity.

greystoke · Jan 2, 2009, 12:27 PM

Thanks NOhelp4u. Makes a lot of sense :)... ill keep doing what I am doing... I really need to work on me. Cheers

greystoke · Jan 3, 2009, 02:41 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Get a life without her in it, and leave her alone, unless you can handle JUST being a friend. If you can't and think she will change her mind, disappear from her life because you'll never be romantic partners again.

Honestly, you wont even be best friends once someone else comes along. Sorry thats how it works.

I just read through talaniman's post... does he mean there is no hope of us getting back together? talaniman, if your reading this... please respond... thanks

talaniman · Jan 3, 2009, 10:44 AM

Your invested to emotionally for a 7 month thing, and cannot see your in the friend zone any way.

Your whole goal is to heal, and see things in a realistic light, and be able to make reasonable decisions for yourself, based on fact, and not just feelings. While your holding on trying to figure out how to get back what you have lost, your not healing.

That's what No Contact gives you, a chance to let the emotional dust settle.

If she is to change her mind, it must be without your influence, so you need to disappear from your best friends life.

sully123 · Jan 3, 2009, 10:53 AM

First of all there is a big difference, she being 18 and you being 24. You have to work through your issues and concentrate on what's good for you, right now. I would go with NC right now, and stop begging her to date again, as hard as it is. Work on yourself, and get yourself back on track. Meet new friends as hard as it is. A few months from now you will be able to see things more clearly.

greystoke · Jan 3, 2009, 02:14 PM

Just wanted to say thanks to all you guys for the great feedback. I know what I need to do now... :)

talaniman · Jan 3, 2009, 04:45 PM

Care to share?

greystoke · Jan 4, 2009, 12:11 AM

Focus on me... go all NC and I'm going to ask her to get back with me anymore... if she wants to get back, great... but I need time to fix myself... cause I can see myself making the same mistakes if I get back into a relationship anytime soon

greystoke · Jan 11, 2009, 04:56 AM

Me and my girlfriend have been broken up for a month and a half now cause she felt like my world revolves around her and that I lost myself and she wants me to go back to the way I used to be when we first started anyway... anyway I followed the advice on this site and started doing this for me and not just to get her back... I started to focus on my work and what I wanted to do with my life... we didn't have a period of NC cause we stayed friends and hung out pretty much everyday.
... I feel really good about myself now and feel back on track... but there is a bit of a problem... my ex is responding really well to all this and has been getting closer and closer to be day by day... she started hugging me and calling me more often just to see what I'm doing. I started to make the changes for me and not for her... but I'm seeing that its having a really positive effect on her... anyway yesterday we were chilling out alone and ended up kissing for the first time in a month and a half. And it was great... anyway after it was all over.. she was really affectionate with me and told me that she's not ready yet... and I was like its fine with me... and we haven't talked about it since... but today while we were in college alone she was really really couply with me... like cuddling and stuff. So what I want to know is... wat do I do now? I mean do I continue and be couply with her until she feels like she is ready? Should I tell her to stop?. im kind of at a loss right now... any help would be really appreciated! I do want her back... but dono how to go about doing it.

greystoke · Jan 11, 2009, 04:58 AM

OK guys... ive been focusin on me like I said... but my ex and I continue to hangout as friends... cause its next to impossibel to go NC with her cause we study in the same college and are neighbours... and lately all I've been doing is focusing on my work and getting myself back on track... I feel really good about myself... but there is a bit of a problem... my ex is responding really well to all this and has been getting closer and closer to be day by day... she started hugging me and calling me more often just to see what I'm doing. I started to make the changes for me and not for her... but I'm seeing that its having a really positive effect on her... anyway yesterday we were chilling out alone and ended up kissing for the first time in a month and a half. And it was great... anyway after it was all over.. she was really affectionate with me and told me that she's not ready yet... and I was like its fine with me... and we haven't talked about it since... but today while we were in college alone she was really really couply with me... like cuddling and stuff. So what I want to know is... wat do I do now? I mean do I continue and be couply with her until she feels like she is ready? Should I tell her to stop?. im kind of at a loss right now... any help would be really appreciated!

talaniman · Jan 11, 2009, 07:50 AM

Quite being so available, and stop acting like a couple when your not. Kissy face friends does you no good, and will not get her back.

That's the problem, your focused on her and her needs, but what of yours??

What has the last week of this behavior done, to get her back? Whether its intentional or not she is feeding you false hope, and your going along willingly.