[phil1129]

Thank you all for your responses. This is a situation that has somewhat been taken care of, but still lays heavily on my mind.

My indescretions caused my wife to read my text messsages, and she continued questioning me about unrelated texts, so I thought I'd look at hers. Inappropriate, maybe, but something was bothering me.

When I confronted her, she said that what I did with my emotional affair effected her in a way that led to her inappropriate conversations, but later retracted it, saying she was just making an excuse.

She insisted that it never got physical, and it was never even at a point that either of them acknowledged that they had any feelings toward each other.

I questioned her on inappropriate comments she may have made to him, but she can't seem to remember. That bothers me.

I was originally going to call the guy, but my wife insisted I don't. It would, admittedly, affect her work environment, and she assured me that she could stop the comments by just reacting in a disinterested way. These comments usually happen when idle conversation is going on, so she'd involve herself less in those. In the meantime, may become more productive at work.

I believe that my wife had feelings for this guy, and let this stuff go on for the titilation of it. I think she enjoyed it more than she leads on that she did.

My emotional affair was admitted, opened up, dissected, and put to rest (though she does bring it up occasionally, I appreciate her acceptance of it). I don't feel that her situation, though not as severe as mine, was ever completely taken care of. I don't think she realizes that she puts herself into positions that makes me very uncomfortable.
Case in point: She had her work Christmas party on Tuesday night (She asked me to go, but I couldn't make it, which I'm sure relieved her). She had asked me if I minded if they went for drinks afterwards ("they" means about 4 or 5 of them). I asked her some questions about the night, and she told me that the guy who sent the messages was very drunk at the bar, so she offered to drive him home. He declined, as far as she said.
My problem is, what if he took her up on it? She's going to come home and tell me that she drove him home, drunk, at midnight? What am I supposed to think at that point? How many problems are we supposed to have over this until she gets it?

I'm worried that, with the state of our mutual mistrust, she's going to put herself in a position that's going to advance my suspicions, not end them. And my jealous reactions will further jeaporize our marriage.

We're both getting counseling, in case you were going to ask.

Again, thank you all. This has given me the ability to talk to someone, besides my therapist, and get things off my chest.

[talaniman]

Though the guys at work don't know that I know.

Maybe your presence should be known, as in be there, and look another guy in the eye, for lunch, parties, and functions when she invites you.

I'm worried that, with the state of our mutual mistrust, she's going to put herself in a position that's going to advance my suspicions, not end them. And my jealous reactions will further jeopardize our marriage.

You wouldn't have to be jealous if you are standing by your wife. Not to be harsh, but your as much to blame for your jealousy, and insecurity as her actions are.

You don't have to rant, and rave to make sure nobody disrespects your female, but you do have to make sure the fellows know you ain't going for there office buddy crap!

For this reason its important to be in a setting to face to face, know these characters. Then you can get your own facts, and deal with things appropriately.

[Ber Rabbit]

She insisted that it never got physical, and it was never even at a point that either of them acknowledged that they had any feelings toward each other.

I questioned her on inappropriate comments she may have made to him, but she can't seem to remember. That bothers me.

It's not that she doesn't remember, she's not going to tell you because of the way you are acting. Nobody wants to bring their spouse down even harder on them.

I was originally going to call the guy, but my wife insisted I don't. It would, admittedly, affect her work environment, and she assured me that she could stop the comments by just reacting in a disinterested way. These comments usually happen when idle conversation is going on, so she'd involve herself less in those. In the meantime, may become more productive at work.

Now it sounds like you are trying to force her to isolate herself from her co-workers. That may breed discontent and resentment, those are not healthy for your relationship right now.

I believe that my wife had feelings for this guy, and let this stuff go on for the titilation of it. I think she enjoyed it more than she leads on that she did.

My emotional affair was admitted, opened up, dissected, and put to rest (though she does bring it up occasionally, I appreciate her acceptance of it). I don't feel that her situation, though not as severe as mine, was ever completely taken care of. I don't think she realizes that she puts herself into positions that makes me very uncomfortable.

How about trying out the role of "understanding husband". Let her know you love her and you understand how titilating these conversations can be and how easy it is to find yourself with a crush on someone (it's not just teens who get crushes). Put the spark back in your marriage, be the one sending her these messages. Flirting is fun, flirting with your spouse is even more fun.

Case in point: She had her work Christmas party on Tuesday night (She asked me to go, but I couldn't make it, which I'm sure relieved her).

That's a pretty negative assumption. Did you ask if she was relieved you didn't go?

She had asked me if I minded if they went for drinks afterwards ("they" means about 4 or 5 of them). I asked her some questions about the night, and she told me that the guy who sent the messages was very drunk at the bar, so she offered to drive him home. He declined, as far as she said.
My problem is, what if he took her up on it? She's gonna come home and tell me that she drove him home, drunk, at midnight? What am I supposed to think at that point? How many problems are we supposed to have over this until she gets it?

Continuing to hound her about this is going to drive her underground. Not only will she cease telling you he was drunk, she'll take him home and not even mention it to you. She's still communicating, it's time to stop living in the past and become whatever it is she needs. Heck, ask the guy she's talking to. My guess is she has lamented to him at some point and he knows whatever it is you're lacking in your relationship. Tell him you need his help.
Ber

[phil1129]

Again, thank you for the responses.

You guys put the onus on me to look inside myself, and you're probably right. I know I have issues in this respect.

And Ber, I'm very happy that my wife tells me when things happen. It means to me that she is being open and not hiding things.

I guess I'm getting a little worked up where it's not really warranted. I think I could suck it up, let a little time pass, and see how it pans out.

Taliniman, one of your quotes is "Never make a person a priority in your life, while allowing them to make you an option in theirs."
That is one of the things that bothers me. I get caught up in thinking that I'm not getting back what I'm putting in. I've gone so overboard with guilt after my emotional affair, that I'm looking for the same thing back. I just have to relax and take it as it comes.

Thanks guys.

[talaniman]

Get rid of the guilt, and forgive yourself, as you seem to be trying to do better.

Get out of self, and see a bigger picture, as I THINK your wife needs you to lead by example, so step up to the plate, as healing is a longer process than you think.

Read the whole signature, just food for thought.

[Ber Rabbit]

And Ber, I'm very happy that my wife tells me when things happen. It means to me that she is being open and not hiding things.

I guess I'm getting a little worked up where it's not really warranted. I think I could suck it up, let a little time pass, and see how it pans out.

You seem to understand your behaviour will determine whether her openness continues. It's really encouraging to see she still opens up to you even though you've been a bit of a twit about the situation. My impression (and this could be WAY off the wall) is you love each other very much but you guys have fallen into a bit of a rut sexually. The sexual boredom caused you both to seek stimulation from others because you didn't feel comfortable telling your spouse you wanted a change in your sex life. It feels weird to say to your spouse "I'm a little bored with the status quo of our sex life, let's do something new to spice it up." It can be a real emotional blow to hear your partner is no longer satisfied with what you're doing sexually. Needs change there's no escaping that, it's a normal part of life. Talking about your changing sexual needs with your spouse is very hard but odds are they are interested in spicing things up as well and are just as uncomfortable bringing the subject up as you are.

Open up a conversation with her, if you can't do it face to face do it in a letter--or a text ;)
Ber

[artlady]

Someone talked to my husband like that and there would be hell to pay.I would be personally insulted if someone disrespected my partner like that.
It sounds very fishy to me and I would keep my ears and eyes open.
Playful banter is one thing but this sounds like something more.
I'm 54 yrs.old and I have seen many a tryst start this way.
Be watchful and if anyone tells you that you are being untrustworthy I say you have good cause to be.

[phil1129]

Well, I'm going my wife's office tomorrow. They're having Santa Claus there and my wife asked me to meet her and the kids there after work. There's my face-to-face opportunity.
I feel fortunate to have someone who has put up with my distrust. As much as there's still a sliver of uncertainty, I'll try to do my best to believe in her.
Thank you everyone, again, for your input.

[talaniman]

Cast aside the doubts, and support your wife 100%, and make sure she has a good time and the kids have a great one. Be confident, of her love.

Look all the guys in the eye, and don't flinch!

[phil1129]

Back to the problem. It's been a few months, and my wife's reactions to this guy just didn't make sense to me. She originally told me that "maybe" she had feelings for this guy, she had never really thought about it.
Well, I overheard a phone conversation she had with him yesterday. She was referring to an argument she had with him at work on Friday, and that we "can't be friends, just a work relationship", "it's too hard", we can't turn back the clock", and "no, I don't regret it".
The problem is that she had originally told me that they had never acknowledged the mutual feelings that they had for each other.
Well, it turns out that they did acknowledge them. And she told me that she did, knowingly have feelings for this guy, and they spent a lot of time going to lunch together and going to the mall at lunchtime. But, "nothing physical ever happened".
It ended abruptly after she told him not to be inappropriate towards her. I just don't know if I could trust a word she says. She didn't tell me because of how it would effect our marriage, but I knew something wasn't right. I just wanted honesty, and I'd probably be over it by now. But, I've gone through months of hell trying to piece this story that didn't make sense together, and the hurt is worse now. I feel completely betrayed that she wouldn't tell me this when I first started questioning her. I don't know now if nothing more happened. She even told me that she doesn't think that she would tell me if it did get physical, though she swears it didn't.
Also, she didn't tell the guy that I read the text. So, as much as he hasn't been inappropriate, she's been completely distant toward him. They need to work together some times, and he doesn't understand why her behavior changed to abruptly and drastically. So that's two people she's lied to and caused major relationship stress with, be that marital or work-related.
The more I think about her behavior, the more it aggravates me.
I need to get through this. I can't go through another two months like the last two. I need to be able to trust her.

[ZoeMarie]

I'm sorry you're going through this. Have you guys considered counseling? I'm sorry if this has already been stated. I didn't re-read everything in this thread before I posted

[MsMewiththat]

I too am sorry that you find yourself in this situation. I don't fully agree with some that have stated that you are responsible. Two wrongs don't make it right. My feeling is that she is responsible for her actions and accountable for her betrayal. She has to know that she is causing some pain in this instance because she too went through it when you had your fun. I also read about the guy at the gym. Are these two separate people and one same wife? My concern is that there is damage to the trust that she has and has decided that she will live her life and do as she pleases. Counseling may help, but let's face it how long and to what degree can two people repair such distrust. Do you simply say okay... ready set go... and start trusting again? What if the other person isn't holding up to their end of the bargain and there goes the mental stuff all over again. You most likely are in for a long battle, one that I would say is totally worth it. It's better to keep your family together. It's going to be work. Good Luck to you and your wife.

[phil1129]

Thanks for the quick responses. I don't think that my wife is just living her life. She was very upset last night, and begging me not to leave.
It's her inability to open up to me and tell me the whole story that bothers me. I still don't know if she's done that yet. She says just enough to implicate herself, and the story gets a little more serious as I question her.
I too believe that keeping the family together is worth it. I just want to trust my wife again.

[MsMewiththat]

However, with you having to pull this information from her, will you be able to. If every time you doubt or have question to doubt and you ask for the answer you don't get it until you ask and ask and ask and ask and then still aren't sure you have it is that going to be okay with you. It's your decision to trust again or not trust again, however you make that decision based on certain criteria. You say she isn't living her life but at times she is with little regard for you or your feelings. I don't know to many people that text the kind of content you wrote that haven't gone there already with each other. This isn't how you "fit in". She very well may have tarnished her reputation at work and yours. Of course she was upset she doesn't want you to leave but that doesn't mean she is innocent. She is aware that her actions warrant you leaving... think about it.

[talaniman]

It's her inability to open up to me and tell me the whole story that bothers me.

Yes its hard to make a decision without the facts, or even promise love, and support without full communications, so tell her that with no frills. Just be ready for whatever she does say to you.

[phil1129]

The inappropriate conversations were much more than I thought. My wife was actually masturbating to him and telling him about it, and vice versa. They made out in the car, and, as she said, they probably would've had sex at some point.
Thank God for her honesty, though a little late.
The pain is killing me at this point, and I'll see my therapist on Monday night, but today and tomorrow will be very difficult.
I stopped raising my voice, and am trying to understand what happened, but the pain is hell.

Please help me.

[Leolynetta]

Why are you reading her phone messages? That's rude and its just asking her to go secretive instead of being open about conversations/issues with co-workers. She told you there were no conversational boundaries.

In the real world people joke around and it can get vile pretty quickly. Why do you think all those sexual harrassment in the workplace policies were put into place? Some people just don't understand that conversational style, apparently she does but you don't. It can be quite shocking to someone who doesn't understand it.
Ber

I don't think the question should be why is he reading her messages. I think the question should be why is she letting someone send her messages like that and she is married. I don't think he should be mad at the guy he should be upset with her, it is her that said I do and said she would be faithful not the guy.
And I hope you are not seriously believing that nothing happened between the two of them please something did happen and its called sex. They had sex and probably more than once. Just by reading the context of the message you can see that.
I am sorry you are having to go through this. But please ask more questions and get to the bottom of it once and for all. So you can move on in your marriage or decide not to. But either way you need all of the information to make and good decision.

Best of luck

[talaniman]

Ask her about it.