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sams721 · Dec 17, 2008, 08:56 AM

Originally Posted by asking

I don't get it. When it was a lie detector test (famously unreliable, by the way), everybody was against it. But now that it's a paternity test that tests the woman's fidelity, everybody here is all for it.

Is trust important or not? Why is trust out the window in this situation?
He doesn't trust her. Period. He shouldn't marry her.

I absolutely wouldn't not marry a man who asked for a paternity test.

They should not get married.

If he's not the father, he won't have to pay child support. I'm guessing he is the father and will have to pay. But that's life.

I agree somewhat to what you are saying when I mentioned a lie detector test eveyone was against it but when it changes to a paternity test it's OK I agree with you pointing that out now if the child is in fact mine then it shouldn't be an issue as opposed to a man getting married to a woman then come to find out months later or years later that the kid might not be his damn all that time in marriage was a waste of time and money and a lot of pain

talaniman · Dec 17, 2008, 10:03 AM

If I was worried that the kid wasn't mine, I sure wouldn't get married, and who cares if she gets pissed. Like I said, she has to answer direct questions, and reassure me, or else we get someone who will.

Ain't that much love in the world, to be afraid of getting facts, and the truth. Especially if she acts suspiciously.

starbuck8 · Dec 17, 2008, 10:09 AM

Regardless of whether this is your child or not, you quite obviously do not trust her to tell the truth. You are just not ready to marry her period!

xoxaprilwine · Dec 17, 2008, 10:23 AM

Originally Posted by sams721

ok this question for all the woman men feel free to give advice too but i mostly want woman that are married or about to be married ladies would you agree before two people get married that it would be appropriate to ask your boyfriend/girlfriend to get a lie detector test for the both of you before the both of you get married

No, the past is in the past... you need to concentrate on today and the prospects of the future... dreams, goals and aspirations. See my husband and I dated for 6 years before we got married, now we are married for 4 years with a 2 year old girl and a baby boy coming in early 2009. If we took a lie detector test, chances are we both would have failed in all likelihood because of our youth and interest in the opposite sex. Would I marry him if I knew he cheated and how many times... no, would he marry me... well I don't know but why chance it? You should look to the future and not the past. I also like to think that once you say I do, all is forgiven and let go... a fresh start for your journey into the future in life as partners, lovers and friends in the eyes of God, you honor, love and trust each other. Do that and don't look back on past events... if however you have serious doubts, if however you do not trust your partner this is the time to re-evaluate your feelings and your relationship before going ahead.

xoxaprilwine · Dec 17, 2008, 10:35 AM

Originally Posted by sams721

i agree somewhat to what you are saying when i mentioned a lie detector test eveyone was against it but when it changes to a paternity test it's ok i agree with you pointing that out now if the child is infact mine then it shouldn't be an issue as opposed to a man getting married to a woman then come to find out months later or years later that the kid might not be his damn all that time in marriage was a waste of time and money and alot of pain

Not only but also, you have developed a loving and unconditional relationship with the mother of your child and the child from the time the child is born to the time you find out the that the child is not yours. In the event the child is not yours you will still continue to be a father figure in the child's life because of your love for them (knowing that they are not biologically yours), you are their father and it is hard to just walk away an call it a waste of time... then the choice becomes more difficult to leave and not support your son/daughter. I can't see someone just leaving even in the most difficult of situations.

I do see why a woman would become extremely upset with the asking for a paternity test... questioning my loyalty and love. I know I would be outraged with my husband but if I gave him any reason to doubt me and was guilty as charged then I would probably lash out. If I had nothing to hide then so be it; I love him and understand that he was insecure... I would give him his paternity but would also request that he seek counseling to work on his emotional insecurities and take some parenting classes. Kind of harsh but if he's asking for this... he better be prepared to make some changes too, especially if we are to work on raising a child together for the rest of our lives. Remember that too, you must keep it civil between you and your current partner to make the future successful for the child's sake. It takes more energy to be angry and hate then love and be patient/understanding.

N0help4u · Dec 17, 2008, 10:42 AM

The problem is that is questionable about what kind of relationship they have

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...-293056-3.html

xoxaprilwine · Dec 17, 2008, 10:51 AM

Originally Posted by N0help4u

The problem is that is questionable about what kind of relationship they have

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...-293056-3.html

Agreed, I just stated how I felt about it in my shoes... it looks like the OP has been dating this lady for 3 years on and off, met her online, she is pregnant, he has a feeling she is cheating on him and they are planning to get married. Sounds like a bad recipe for disaster. I still think that if she "cared" for him they need to talk out their issues and if she isn't being upfront they need to go to counseling to get it out on the table including getting the paternity test (which evidently will be an option). If she is unwilling to make any compromise then well, there is always a Court Order. Hopefully he won't have to go through other avenues later. I honestly don't think they should get married until they either resolve the issues and move on, or choose to raise the child together but not be attached/relationship since it seems unstable.

Krs · Dec 22, 2008, 06:56 AM

Originally Posted by sams721

ok this question for all the woman men feel free to give advice too but i mostly want woman that are married or about to be married ladies would you agree before two people get married that it would be appropriate to ask your boyfriend/girlfriend to get a lie detector test for the both of you before the both of you get married

I would send you flying
If my partner / husband to be asked that of me.. . u can't be serious...

I think you have some serious trust issues and from reading your other posts because you flirted online whilst with this women... you know she can easily do it to you.

Also how certain are you that the baby is yours?

asking · Dec 22, 2008, 09:46 AM

I just want to add some things here that seem to be going unacknowledged.

1. Lie detectors mean very little. The chance of identifying a lie is little better than chance, and if you don't know if the " lie detector" is detecting a lie or not, you don't know anything. Polygraphs are a form of quackery. They are NOT science.
Polygraph - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
And don't forget that they identify people as lying who are just nervous, not lying. And there's no way to tell the difference. For any given person, you don't know if it's working or not. So it's useless for everyone.

2. If Sam71 loves her and they are happy together, who cares whose kid it is? I know this is a radical question, but people adopt all the time and there are lots of cases of men adopting other men's children and having happy lives. Why make such an issue of this? It actually doesn't matter if it's not his kid. He can't change it into his kid or make it go away. He can only refuse to be a part of her life and the kid's life. That's his call, but it's a call, not inevitable.

3. The real issue is still trust about current and future behavior, not what she might have done in the past. If Sam doesn't trust her (whether he is justified or not justified) he should not inflict himself on her. They cannot be happy. As I say, it doesn't matter if she is running around with 10 men a night or pure as the driven snow, totally dedicated to him and it's all in his head. This question is not about her, it's about his lack of trust.

sneakers o tool · Dec 31, 2008, 08:06 PM

I say you should get married because we have the option of getting divorced for a reason.

liz28 · Jan 1, 2009, 08:16 AM

Sam, the reason members are telling you to get a paternity test over a lie detector test is because you've doubts if this child is yours or not. You don't want to raise a child with that thought stuck in the back of your head.

Scenio, can you imagine 4,5, or 6 years down the road and you still have this doubt to whether you're the father. It can interfere with your relationship with him or her and possibly damage the child. So this needs to be none sooner than later.

As far as marriage, I think that step is too big for you right now. I wouldn't see it lasting very long and remember marriage is easy to get into but hard to get out of. It doesn't seem like the two of you're compatible and that is very important. So think before you leap because these issues won't go away if you two get married.