[Deicyde]

Oh man NC is tuff. Going on 5 days now and all I feel like doing is calling her to find out how her weeks been and how she has been doing. I don't want to talk to her about getting back together just want to see how she is and what she has been up to, and how the pets are. I do have to speak to her on Thursday to arrange a time for me to get the rest of my stuff. Which I am not looking forward to.

Today has been tuff, and just needed to rant about it. I guess I am also fishing for anything someone might have to add to get me through.

Thanks for reading and any replys.

[kctiger]

You just have to keep plugging away bud. I know it is hard, no doubt the hardest thing you will ever do (to this point). This time of year makes it especially hard. Just try and find other activities that make you happy and exhaust you from worrying about her. We are here for you, and I know how tough this is, trust me. Keep sticking to NC and know that it will get better. No one said it is easy, but it is worth it.

[talaniman]

I would be looking at finding a few friends or family I haven't seen in a while, as that's what holidays are about, family and friends.

[Deicyde]

So I contacted her today by phone to schedule a time for me to get the rest of my things. I figured I would call her at work so that the conversation would not go any further then arranging a time. All went as planned. She asked me to get her a coffee before coming over which is fine. But it through me for a loop as she is speaking to me as if nothing has happened.

After speaking with her it felt like everything inside me collapsed. I know I will gradually get over this break up but my mind is so clouded and my emotions are all over the place. I am finding it hard to get motivated about anything.

Thank you for reading

[kctiger]

All went as planned. She asked me to get her a coffee before coming over which is fine.

Thank you for reading

Do WHAT??

So... exactly what part of the plan involved you doing her any favors? Why would you do this for her? Do not let her take advantage of your emotional state... I wish my ex would ask me to do something like that for her... are you serious? Man up! She doesn't deserve anything from you, nor do you owe her anything. Now, you feel like crap, and she knows it.

[Deicyde]

The conversation was fine and I was about to hang up and she was like oh could you grab me a coffee. Like I said it through me for a loop and I asked her what because I could not believe she asked me that. Then she told me she would pay for it (not like it matters). I just wanted to get off the phone so I said fine. I don't know maybe I will just forget to get it. I don't really feel like doing anything for her. Anyway it seems so trivial at this point anyway.

[kctiger]

Tell her when you get to the house and pick your things up that you took a wrong turn onto REALITY and completely forgot to pick her coffee up there. I know you feel bad man, I know. Keep venting and keep moving forward. It will get better. Don't let her make you weaker than you are. They have a keen way of doing that.

[kctiger]

Ex's are like sharks... they can smell blood in the water, and will go for a feeding frenzy once they get there!

[Deicyde]

Grab a cup of coffee this is going to be a long one and I just need to get it out.

Well to start of now she hates me.

So I showed up to pick up my things, first thing she says oh no coffee. I responded with oops I forgot.

There is this social event tonight which both of us have been invited to, I originally told her I would not be going, but I decided I would like the option to go if I felt like it so I asked her if it would bother her and she said no.

Back to picking up my things one of the items I was to get was an old computer we used to share the agreement was that I would take it and look for anything that I might have on it then return it. She decided that she wanted to take her stuff off and me just take it, but she was unable to get it working to look at the files. So she wanted me to figure it out I told her I did not have time for that because I needed to go to work, then my parents, and meet up with an old friend. She asked who the old friend was I told her that it was not important. She said to bring my friend to the party. I told her I did not really want to. She immediately started saying one of my ex's names. I told her I did not have a date or a girlfriend. Anyway I am just meeting up with an old guy friend, but I didn't think it was any of her business who so I did not tell her.

After that she laid in bed as I looked around the house for anything else that might be mine. When I was done I told here that I would arrange a time with her to drop the computer off. All of sudden she told me I could not take it and if I wanted anything off it I had to do it there. I told her that was not right of her to do and was not fair. She said worried about being late for your date ? Then she said I don't know who you are anymore and don't trust you with my files on it. She said if I wanted my stuff my only option was to get the computer working there. Since that being my only option I said fine. While I figured out what was wrong with the computer she put a few things together for me that I had forgot along with two Christmas presents one from her parents and one from her. I told her I could not accept those as I did not feel right about it since after all we are is ex lovers, and I did not get them anything. She was very hurt by this and started crying. I just let her be and said nothing about it she told me I was rude and mean and not talking to her properly.

Back to the computer issue I did not have anything to transfer data with so we compromised and decided she would remove her files and I would take the computer. So as she was removing her files I was trying to make civil conversation talking about work, family etc. She was very cold and short.

I felt that I needed to tell her I was doing good with the break up and why so I let her know that with the time away from her I realized how unhappy I was and could not figure out why we held on for so long. (probably not the nicest thing to say but I was not really thinking about how it would effect her) bad move in saying this, but can’t do anything about it now.

She was finishing up with the computer I told her I would drop it off on the front step as I did not want to be back in here again. She seemed puzzled, and I said were not friends and it will probably be impossible for us to ever be friends. She snapped and started crying and said that she has never been hurt as much as I have hurt her during the relationship and she is struggling to get through that so we can be friends. Once again I said I don't see friends as being a possibility. She said I don't know you anymore and I don't think I like you just leave, and if you decide to go to the party tell me because I won’t be going then.

I told her that I never wanted or meant to hurt her and that I used to think the problem I had was a trust issue but I have realized it was that I did not have my own life to be happy with and relied only on her to make me happy, and I think that is where all my anger, jealousy etc.. Came from.

She said share that with your new girlfriend and why are you still here. So I as I grabbed the computer to leave she said she wants it back I said no prob. And told her I would see her around and left.

So that was that, I have no problem admitting that I struggled to be a good boyfriend and at times completely stunk at it. I have realized a lot about myself through this relationship and have learned a great deal and am changing for the better which I am happy to say. My only hope after coming out of this interaction was to have my head held high and not feel as if my world was collapsing. I came out feeling like a , and feel like I should call here and apologize (sigh)


If you made it all the way through that thanks I really just wanted to get it out, any comments are welcome but I do have a couple of questions?

Should I have taken the Christmas gifts?

I feel like knowing she hates me gives me the closure to this relationship that I needed to let go of any hope of it working out. Does that make sense and is it a healthy way to move on ?

Does anybody have any good book recommendations about improving ones self?

I am pretty sure I should not phone her and apologize because it will just make me feel like crap. Just looking for confirmation on this.

[a la king]

Yeah, going to pickup your stuff yourself was probably a mistake. Sending a friend would have been best.. or at least going with a friend to avoid any awkwardness. But what's done is done.

"I feel like knowing she hates me gives me the closure to this relationship that I needed to let go of any hope of it working out. Does that make sense and is it a healthy way to move on ?"

You're lying to yourself right now. This won't make any difference- in the days/weeks/months to come you're going to feel like a turd anyway you cut it. But that's normal.

Just do yourself a HUUUUUGE favor and don't contact her again. And next time you want to call her for some reason.. sit down and think about what you actually want to achieve by this call. The both of you are different at this stage. It's survival of the fittest right now... and let me tell you... women are seriously fit. So get back on your game and work on yourself because anything you do in your communications right now (sorry for being rude blah blah) will make you feel like sh!t and make her feel like a million bucks.

[yobro]

Wow dude

Maybe you can help me and much as I can help you. I am going through the same thing right now and yea 5 years. I don't have the choice of NC since we can't break the lease yet and neither of us can afford our apt by ourselves.

I don't know what to do now. How do I deal with her.

5 years later how do I find the single girls now? I would like to find someone else before she does but I doubt I'm that good looking.

[eguillen]

Hey man. I just got out of a 5 year relationship too. About 3 weeks ago. I was wondering if you have a aim screen name or email so that maybe we can share our experiences? Reading what you're going through is really inspiring as it is somewhat similar of what I'm going through. Let me know.

[talaniman]

Yobro, eguillen-Start your own threads and get some feedback.

[Deicyde]

Well it had been 17 days of NC.

I was speaking to a friend who said my ex had been giving him my mail. Which bothered me because she said she would mail it to my new address. So I guess I used it as an excuse to phone her as I was curious as to how she was etc... Conversation was all right she told me she just got back from Cuba, and that she was doing OK. Said she missed placed my new address so she was giving our mutual friend my mail. (Nobody told me) She said she would have contacted me but as I don't want to be friends she did not think she should. I told her that if you don't want me in your life as your mate then you can't have me in your life right now as a friend. I asked her if she hated me because of the way I felt about friendship at this point she said of course not but she thinks we would be able to work through whatever problems there would be and be friends. I said sorry for bothering her and she replied with call me anytime you want and did you only call regarding your mail which I answered yes and told her I would not contact her again and we said goodbye.

You know even though the conversation was 1/2 decent.

It was like a kick in the teeth all over again. I guess it made me realize that I still love this girl and would probably rather have her in my life as a friend then nothing at all. Which is tearing me up because if I kept the friendship aspect open I would just get ripped apart even more week by week. So I spent the next hour randomly crying about my situation /sigh I feel so pathetic.

Anyway back to no contact hopefully I can be stronger this time around and it will last

Thanks! For reading

[eguillen]

Hey bud,

Sounds like an experience I just had. I have been NC for a little over a month now and I just saw my ex randomly the other day. We exchanged hello's and how are you's and that was that. When I got home, I immediately started crying. I was in a 5 year relationship as well and I know how hard it can be. Sometimes we just have to welcome the pain as it will make us stronger and help us grow as individuals. It's like Tyler Durden said in Fight Club, "Only after disaster can we be resurrected."

Hang in there man and you will see that it gets easier with time. Crying is a good thing, so let it out! And please do your best to not contact her. It is for your own sake. Sometimes we forget what its like to be alone, especially after 5 years. So learn to love yourself the way you are and in turn you will be happy being single finally, like you were before the relationship ever happened.

"It's funny how we think we'll never do better than the one we've got, until the next one comes along."

Be patient and responsible. Do the things you love to do or find something you would love to do. Put something else on a pedestal. For example, a goal such as learning an instrument. You sound like a great guy and trust me, there are many girls who would love to be with a gentleman like yourself, but only as long as you are happy with yourself. Good luck on your journey. I will be subscribing to this post.

[spider10]

So this all happened last year. I'm curious Deicyde what has happened since? I'm on the cusp of a 5 year relationship break up and would like to know how it all worked out for you.