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Casiusq · Jul 2, 2006, 12:30 PM

Hi,
"Do you have lots in common? Is he respectful, kind, honest, funny? Does he have goals and aspirations? Why is he dating? For fun or is he looking to settle down if he found the right woman?"
We had stuff in common, he was respectful and all the rest, looking for the right woman. Otherwise I wouldn't be so sad not to be able to stay in touch.
As to the religion question, I don't chose my guy by religion but due to where I live almost all of the guys are jewish. I believe in falling in love with the right guy and answering those questions when I get there but basically I would prefer to date a jew.
Thanks

momincali · Jul 2, 2006, 12:58 PM

It is sad when a relationship fails. You wonder what could have been. You have grown attached and feel lost and don't know what to do with your time. I know, I have been there. I discovered the hard way that I was making myself suffer more than I had to. I couldn't go forward looking in the rearview mirror. Look forward and you will be okay. Only look backward when you need to remember what not to do again. It will be difficult and sad, but surround yourself with those you love and focus on what you can do for others. Helping people less fortunate than yourself always tends to put your life in perspective and helps you realize all the good things you do have in your life and how much your help means to others. It's a good feeling knowing you make a difference in the lives of others.

Skell · Jul 2, 2006, 04:43 PM

Originally Posted by txgreasemonkey

Try and only date people of the same religion. Many Christians don't know it, until after it's too late, but they are only supposed to marry other Christians. This is a time-tested principle straight from the Bible:

Do Not Be Yoked With Unbelievers. 2 Corinthians 6:14-15 states, "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?"

This is God's best for you! Anything else is no more than second best and probably much worse.

Sorry I meant to disagree with this post. Not agree.

Skell · Jul 2, 2006, 04:50 PM

You have so many great answers here from these really wonderul people and I really can't add anything else. But please don't feel worthless. You are a wonderful and beautful human being and someone worthy of YOU will love you for that one day.
Regardless of yours or there religion as well!!
Good Luck.

Wildcat21 · Jul 3, 2006, 11:06 AM

Val and Tal - GREAT ANSWERS!! Great!!

IF you are able to get him back and work things out. OK... but stick with what you said and take it SLOW!!

I think some people ARE worth going back to - IF COMMUNICATE WHAT THE PROBLEMS WERE - TELL THAT PERSON WHAT ANNOYED/BOTHERED YOU. ASK THEM WHAT ANNOYED/BOTHERED YOU. If you don't communicate -forget it!

The thing that CREEPS me out is he said 'I love you' after 2 weeks.

I know for a FACT love does not develop until about 6 months or a year in being together. Get to know the REAL person!!

People always confuse lust, infactuation, ATTRACTION, SMITTEN - as love... easy to do.

valinors_sorrow · Jul 3, 2006, 11:32 AM

Originally Posted by Wildcat21

The thing that CREEPS me out is he said 'I love you' after 2 weeks.

The thing that frets me is she bought it and looks like she may continue to.. . :eek:

Casiusq · Jul 3, 2006, 01:01 PM

Well I don't know how long it takes to fall in love but I think my feelings were love and not lust or smitten. I still love him and hope he gets over his depression and becomes a happy person. Even if it can't be with me

Chery · Jul 3, 2006, 04:44 PM

Honey, this is called "dating". It's the time in your life to meet many new people, find out what they are made of and what your future preferences will be. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you.

You are young, and will probably go through many more relationships, and some where you will be doing the 'dumping'. Three boyfriends is nothing this day and age.

Considering all the things you all have to discover about each other and yourselves, it might take time to find the one that's really compatible. Don't put yourself down, keep meeting new people, share ideas, goals and ideals. And sooner or later, you'll find one that was made just for you.

Again, this is what we all go through until we finally find the one that is worth the effort - then the sharing and caring comes in and grows with you.

Don't give up on yourself and by all means, stay confident that there is nothing wrong, your search is not over.

As far as trying to get the ex's back... don't. They have not grown enough and will only frustrate you while you are advancing in taste, preferences, and emotional maturity.

Good luck dear, and keep us posted.

These early 'candidates' help you in determining what you really want in a relationship and teach you to be more selective.
As in a car, if you like the body, but it breaks down too often, you will trade it in for one that's tuned just right.

Blazingsun · Jul 3, 2006, 06:47 PM

22 huh? Girl just focus on you right now. Not him.

Get your life back on track... listen to the song "A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do" by Mindy Mcready. Excellent song and very uplifting in a time like this.

Best of luck.

Blazingsun · Jul 3, 2006, 06:48 PM

Can't spread it Chery but A+++ answer as usual.

Wildcat21 · Jul 4, 2006, 01:40 PM

Chery - once again, dead on.

This gal is so young - these are just lessons she is learning. Breaks always happen... just wish ALL of us could realize there is a HUGE BIGGER picture for the break. Realtionships ARE NOT one sided - just because ONE person wants it - doesn't mean the other person does. You DON'T always know what the other person is thinking - are they may be using YOU to get over someone else. You can NEVER convice someone to like you - ever.

Sure everyone wants to make relationhsips work, but, after a while, after every BREAK I realize it was for the best - a ot times we want to make them work so bad that we are BLINDED by ALL the red flags.

valinors_sorrow · Jul 4, 2006, 01:59 PM

At the risk of saying something unpopular here, I think there is a noticeable and important difference between dating and "serial relationshipping". One is open, easy, fun with a limit to how involved you are and may or may not produce someone suitable to get serious with - there are no guarantees in life. The other is more intense and often a roller coaster ride with ups and downs that are actually pretty hard to handle, mostly because of fast speed.

It really is a good thing to learn how to date. Otherwise it becomes very easy to fall into a vicious cycle of serial relationshipping, carrying the hurt of the previous breakup into the next. Each one under that much more pressure to prove you are lovable. Each time saying it will be different next time. And like an addiction, it takes on a life of its own. Its not anyone's fault but it is what it is. Its possible to feel so incredible trapped in that too. And like an addict, the only way out is abstinance, for a while, and awareness. And learning to do it differently.

This is how a codependent without an addicted partner becomes addicted to love itself. It has its own denial too so calling it dating when its really serial relationshipping isn't going to change anything, in my humble opinion.

Wildcat21 · Jul 4, 2006, 02:17 PM

Very deep - but this does happen

Chery · Jul 5, 2006, 02:46 AM

Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow

At the risk of saying something unpopular here, I think there is a noticable and important difference between dating and "serial relationshipping". One is open, easy, fun with a limit to how involved you are and may or may not produce someone suitable to get serious with - there are no guarantees in life. The other is more intense and often a roller coaster ride with ups and downs that are actually pretty hard to handle, mostly because of fast speed.

It really is a good thing to learn how to date. Otherwise it becomes very easy to fall into a vicious cycle of serial relationshipping, carrying the hurt of the previous breakup into the next. Each one under that much more pressure to prove you are lovable. Each time saying it will be different next time. And like an addiction, it takes on a life of its own. Its not anyone's fault but it is what it is. Its possible to feel so incredible trapped in that too. And like an addict, the only way out is abstinance, for a while, and awareness. And learning to do it differently.

This is how a codependent without an addicted partner becomes addicted to love itself. It has its own denial too so calling it dating when its really serial relationshipping isn't going to change anything, in my humble opinion.

Gosh, I just hate it when I can't rate a good post!

Val, this one's for you!

Casiusq · Jul 9, 2006, 08:41 AM

I think it depends on the people involved, not everyone "dates" but does move from relationship to relationship. Most of the people I know are like that. I have had 3 relationships and dated 4 guys and I seem to prefer relationship to relationship

valinors_sorrow · Jul 9, 2006, 10:35 AM

Originally Posted by Casiusq

I think it depends on the people involved, not everyone "dates" but does move from relationship to relationship. Most of the people i know are like that. I have had 3 relationships and dated 4 guys and I seem to prefer relationship to relationship

I agree there is some accounting for individual preferences. It was suggested to me from a reputable source that the human being is not designed for recovering very quickly from love lost - be it through death, divorce or breakup, which is why most cultures allow someone a period of grace after such events. This time is meant for the person to recover in order to get back to their normal self again, more or less. It is a time to do some specific things to help that recovery too. At the time I didn't want to slow down or take time off and so I did some research on it back when this was first proposed to me. I found, to my surprise, that more than a few cultures suggest or honour a year as that time necessary and have for a long long time. I began to realise dozens of cultures and thousands of people can't be that wrong.

So unless you are taking a year off between relationships or you are capable of maintaining something not as deep when you are involved (which is another way of saying it remains more light weight and shallow for you), I believe you stand the risk of being caught in the trap of being involved with the next one before you are emotionally clear of the last one.

Ultimately what I concluded is I was sick of getting hurt and that some people don't take relationship as seriously as I do despite the fact that they look like they do. It was all becoming a game, a contest of who could take getting their heart hurt. That was enough to slow me down right there.

At this point, I would be willing to bet quite a bit of relationship failure occurring today is exactly that - people who are not prepared to be in a relationship are signing up to be in one. The term "serial relationshipping" usually implies that there is very time between, but rather one right after the next.

Casiusq · Jul 9, 2006, 10:57 AM

I had a year - year and a half of being alone between each relationship though I think you always carry that "emotional baagage" with you

valinors_sorrow · Jul 9, 2006, 11:35 AM

Memory, of course. Baggage? Very little, let's hope?

A failed relationship is a good clue that some level-headed self examination might be in order since it's then possible to determine what one is doing in order to change into something more constructive. Without having a look, its too easy to be doing the same thing over and over, which tends to yield the same results? Honest self examination, reading books about it and accepting help from a seasoned friend or even a professional can all aid in that discovery too. And it's a good thing to concentrate on during that year off too.

Do nothing except let the hurt fade and its like that saying: if nothing changes, then nothing changes.

talaniman · Jul 9, 2006, 12:03 PM

Casiusq

I had a year - year and a half of being alone between each relationship though I think you always carry that "emotional baagage" with you

It does not matter whether you carry baggage or not- What matters is how you DEAL with it!

Wildcat21 · Jul 10, 2006, 08:16 AM

It's not baggae - it's learning experiences. Your broke for a reason - one of you felt you were not compatible together.

These are all stepping stones towards that 'special guy'.

You take learning experiences from each one.

I personaly don't thnk anyone should be married until their 30's. These are all trial relationships.

Plus - IF you put too much importance into a relationship early on - you will crash and burn.

BAGGAGE is really, sorry to say - bad divorce, children out of wedlock, children from a bad divorce (sorry), being an and staying in a abusive relationship, childhood abuse, drugs, alcohol.