[dancewithaguita]

I'm going through the same thing. Hang in there. And Block them online. I didn't realize the importance of this whole "no contact" thing until about a week ago when I joined this sight and had had the final straw with my ex. It's really hard to not have any contact. You want them to want you. You want them to realize they made a mistake. You want them to say "hey" online... but it will only make you more depressed and make you think about them more. Having no contact with your ex gives you power. Day by day you feel stronger and think less and less about them... one day you'll just stop and realize that you haven't thought about them for the entire day... and slowly it will increase. You have to remember that this is for YOUR benefit. It's not because your punishing them. Even though... you sort of feel like you want to sometimes. The only reason you want to talk to them... is because deep down inside... you want to get back together with them. Being friends is waaay to complicated (maybe in years to come) and if they realize they want to get back together with you, they will contact you. And I don't mean, give you a call. They might send you emails and messages apologizing. However, I highly doubt that. Since that will probably not happen... DO NOT CONTACT THEM. Just remind yourself over and over how other people are doing the same thing at this very moment. Your not alone. Stay strong! Haha :)

[blondndisguise5]

No contact is hella hard I definitely feel you... I need to start but I can't seem to do it... I think its good that you caught yourself though!

[JohnD212]

Well I keep coming so close to breaking the NC rule. I went online last night... my ex was online but had the away turned on... I sat there online for about 2 minutes.. heart racing.. and then forced myself to sign off. Nothing said... probably not even seen. I sat and cried for about 5 minutes then got on with it. Its funny how good it felt that my NC wasn't completely broken. I can only imagine how I'd feel today if I had gone all the way back to step 1.

Just sometimes it's hard to believe you could be with someone for 6 years and then suddenly never speak again. Kind of a shock to the system.

[kctiger]

You are doing good man! Keep your chin up and keep on moving forward.

[jmw0713]

Yes it is a shock. That's why you need to go NC to get over the shock. I've broken it a few times already. It didn't make me feel better that I did... but it didn't really set me back that far either. Just take everything a day at a time... you can do it.

[turtleneck123]

I have found myself constantly going on aim to see if she is on too. I never call or initiate text anymore. I told her I didn't know how to handle this the best way, but I went NC for a few days and I seemed to forget about things somewhat, unless it was because she said we will be back together again, there will be no other guys, and she just needs her time? She said even if I decide to ignore her until I go up to visit she still wants me to come and will not be moved on. I have the impression sometimes that when I go up there things will be back together, but I'm really trying hard to not think like that, because it probably isn't realistic. I always got a million things running through my head about her like when she says we will be back together I get somewhat happier, but then when we don't talk I sit around and think what is she really doing? I think breaking the nc may have set me back.
In a past relationship, I went no contact and it worked. However I have my doubts because I found a new girl after breaking up with her and that may have helped move me along as well. I don't want to talk to this girl, but like you said, I want her to reach out to me and want to feel wanted and not just like she is having a great time "on her own" Honestly though, who wants to be alone? I think its just a nice way of letting me go... I have been struggling with NC because I want to tell her why I don't want to talk because of the things she says or doesn't say, when she asks why I am ignoring her or may choose to

[JohnD212]

So I blew it tonight. I guess this thread kind of showed I was having problems with NC. I went online and of course my ex initiated the hi... asked how my job was... I just said very good and said nothing else. They signed off without saying another word. OF COURSE that destroyed me... and I did the ultimate stupid thing... texted them saying "No Bye?" my ex texted back saying night, have a good day tomorrow. So now I'm back to step one. Oh well... wonder if I can get back on track. I guess this contact didn't exactly make me feel better so maybe I need to understand that... I've now taken my ex off my AIM so I won't see them if I go online and I've also blocked them so they can't see me. This was just stupid.

[friend4u178]

So I blew it tonight. I guess this thread kind of showed I was having problems with NC. Of course my ex initiated the hi...asked how my job was...I just said very good and said nothing else. They signed off without saying another word. OF COURSE that destroyed me...and I did the ultimate stupid thing...texted them saying "No Bye?" my ex texted back saying nite, have a good day tomorrow. So now I'm back to step one. Oh well...wonder if I can get back on track. I guess this contact didn't exactly make me feel better so maybe I need to understand that... I've now taken my ex off my AIM so I won't see them if I go online. Next step I guess will be to block them so they can't see me when I'm online.

Sometimes lessons learnt the hard way are the best John , chin up and start that road down the NC highway again. And this time don't look back ;)

[JohnD212]

Yah... I have to learn from this. I'm actually more upset at myself for making my ex feel so important once again while they gave me nothing but the smallest amount of attention. Thankfully I didn't chat enough to get any information that might bother me. Yes... new day tomorrow. One mistake... how many do I get? Lol

[kctiger]

Happens to all of us man. Like I said, I have done it SEVERAL times. No worries! Just get back up and keep moving.

[JohnD212]

So went online again today and spoke to my ex. Not too emotional today because I realize that there just isn't any feelings (or maybe never was) on my ex's end. My ex actually seemed angry at me when we started talking today so I think the no contact I had done for two weeks had some effect on my ex. Like I stated originally... my ex has decided to move to Florida for a few months (to work and have fun with a friend) so I realize I really need to buckle down and get the NC going. It'll be so much harder if I wait until they leave... and I refuse to stay in touch when they're in FLorida (I'm in NYC). That would be too painful.

Like before... I guess I don't have to tell them anything.. just not go online anymore. I'm thinking of seeing a therapist next week (free consultation) to see why its so hard to remove myself from this person. We'll see.

[thadevilsadvocate]

John, the therapist is not a bad idea, but you need to really take some time to sit and think, and realize the power of NO CONTACT.

If you take some time and you look at everyone that gets on this site and writes about how their relationship came to an end, you will see that almost all of them have issues with NO CONTACT. They can't imagine this. It just simply doesn't make sense, because you are empty handed and are having to deal with emptiness, when you may not have done anything to cause it.

Think about it this way. When you were a child, and you would do something good, your parents may give you a cookie. So the next time, you did what they asked, and you were good, so they gave you a cookie... well then one day, they realize that you now knew how to do it, so they stopped giving you a cookie... well think of the person that you are, as the act of doing good, and your ex-girlfriend, as the cookie... You wake up each day, and you are yourself (a kind, loving, caring person... which represents the good), but you don't get the cookie... Well, your reaction is just as a child's reaction would be, confused, upset, disappointed, sad. You were doing everything that you were doing all the days before, but now, you aren't getting your cookie anymore. So, your issues with detaching yourself from your ex, are following this pattern.

This is why you go No Contact. You must realize that you can continue to be yourself day after day, and that your life is not over. You said it yourself, NO CONTACT gives you power. You are choosing not to talk to her, and that is YOUR choice. You are choosing to live, eat, sleep, drink, watch TV, sleep in, travel, and do it how and when YOU decide to. The point of NO CONTACT again is FOR YOU! IT is for you to realize that you can make it ON YOUR OWN! You are living for you, just as she is living for her right now. Trust me, I know it hurts, but she isn't sitting around and thinking and stressing about this situation right now. She is doing her own thing. Her acting like she is mad and so forth, that is the front she has to put on because she wants to make you feel as though you did something wrong that would warrant her decision and actions. That is why you don't talk to her. You are having issues with detaching yourself from her, because you won't ALLOW yourself to. You need to start living for yourself and stop living for her... and yes, as of now, you are still living for her. You are letting her control your life, and she is just going about hers.


NO CONTACT IS IN YOUR BEST FRIEND RIGHT NOW, AND UNTIL YOU REALIZE THAT AND EMBRACE IT AND MAKE YOURSELF DO IT, YOU WILL KEEP RELAPSING AND IT WILL EAT YOU ALIVE.

[JohnD212]

Thanks thadevilsadvocate... its funny how we can understand everything on paper but carrying it out... isn't always easy. I was surprised that last night when my ex said hi to me online they were all happy and friendly but then tonight my ex was so nasty and somewhat angry... almost like they realized the power had gone back into their hands.

[thadevilsadvocate]

Your ex did realize the power was back in their hands. Trust me, they are well aware of it. That is the reason for them writing you to begin with. If you don't respond to them or contact them, then you don't fill that void for them. They don't want to have to deal with the reality of you not speaking to them, and as long as you continue to speak to them, you will get nowhere and you will continue to fill the void for them. Let them suffer, but not being able to communicate with you. I guarantee you it will work wonders.

[JohnD212]

It was also weird because two nights ago when I went online, my ex said hi right away etc. etc... then last night... after I sat online for a while... my ex said "why didn't you say hi to me when you came online"... and I said "I just got in and went to take a shower" and my ex said "well from now on you need to say hi if you come on after me..I can't be the one to always say hi first"... I found that whole exchange rather bitter and nasty. I reminded my ex that they needed to stop being so mean to me and they said "I'm the nicest person you know"...

You get the idea of the way it went... this is the same person who when I moved out temporarily because I didn't have a job... told me that if we're going to stay together... I would do everything they told me to do... then two weeks later they told me it wasn't going to work. Hard to believe it lasted 6 years... so I guess today is day #1 again of NC...

[talaniman]

Hi John, I know how tough it is, and let me give you some perspective.

Its down right crazy to think your going to fill the hole in your soul, after a few weeks, when you have a 6 year history with someone.

Come on guy, give yourself a break here. Its going to take a lot of time and WORK, and that's something you have control over.

Start now, and make a list of something to do tomorrow, and instead of going online, ( the exception is coming here) have a task, or errand waiting for you.

It takes a while to come out of shock, and make adjustments, but you will eventually.

HINT- Time flies when your having fun, and anything that's strenuous, and challenging, or new, will have you sleeping like a baby.

Adjust your attitude to enjoy your freedom, to explore your options.

[DeleteAndBan]

"Self-pity is easily the most destructive of the nonpharmaceutical narcotics; it is addictive, gives momentary pleasure and separates the victim from reality.” John W. Gardner

The only power we have lies in our actions. It is your choice whether to exercise that power and do what is best for you or let other people run the show and determine our happiness.

[JohnD212]

I guess I'll try the list of things to do when I start to have too much time on my hands. I just want to be as far beyond contact with my ex before they leave for Florida (whenever that is)... I knew I couldn't wait until they left to go NC... that would be two things I'd have to deal with... so I'll have to let some of this go before the end of this month. Then... they are literally gone (even if its for just 3 months) so time to pick up and start new.

[Empty Cans]

Delete them from your IM program! Do it now! Then you cannot here from them fullstop...

[turtleneck123]

That quote from gardner is dead on. I've been dealing with a breakup for the last couple weeks and have tried NC a number of times and failed. I get mad/upset when I don't hear from her, and then when I do and decide to answer back, I get instant, momentary pleasure, and then its like I step back and realize that the momentary pleasure is gone and I'm back to being mad/upset, not knowing what to do. On top of all this, I'm in law school and in the middle of final exams, so I have been doing nothing but studying and taking exams for the last two weeks. I haven't been to the gym, haven't been out to any bars or clubs at all, and been getting minimal sleep so everything has really been dwelling on me. One moment I want to get back together with her if she wanted to and then next, I don't think it was meant to work out, maybe even forced for awhile. Bottom line, from the last couple weeks I can tel you that NC does help, it helped even after a couple days, but then breaking it with hopes that it will be better for the relationship is dead wrong. I've done it in the past and it worked wonders. But currently I have been failing at it every couple days. Stick to it, it'll pay off in the long run, let her go and if it was meant to be, shell come back. But hopefully for her, you won't be moved on to something better. I need to start living by my own words, just having a tugh time sticking to it.