[kraussnumber2]

cyberoh

I meant to write respectfully not respectively... sorry about that!

[cyberoh]

cyberoh

I meant to write respectfully not respectively....sorry about that!

Thank you for the correction. I am not aware of US laws. Also, I did mention (Well, it depends on where you live and what kind of protection law they apply to a certain age)

Thanks anyway

[kraussnumber2]

Thank you for the correction. I am not aware of US laws. Also, I did mention (Well, it depends on where you live and what kind of protection law they apply to a certain age)

Thanks anyway

I did notice that you wrote where you live but the way I read it, it didn't sound like you were referring to the alcohol so sorry if I misread it. And I don't believe anyone stated where the asker is living so she might live in other countries besides the us where the age is lower. So she will have to read both our answers and figure out which applies to her. She very well could be in a different country and therefore you would be correct.
Just out of curiosity what country are you from and what is the age there?

[cyberoh]

I did notice that you wrote where you live but the way I read it, it didn't sound like you were referring to the alcohol so sorry if I misread it. And I don't believe anyone stated where the asker is living so she might live in other countries besides the us where the age is lower. So she will have to read both our answers and figure out which applies to her. She very well could be in a different country and therefore you would be correct.
Just out of curiosity what country are you from and what is the age there?

Uhmmm, you don't need to say that. All of us are here to give our opinions. In contrast, I was happy to get some feedback from someone. Thanks again. Guess you are in US. I am a Korean but residing and working in Vietnam. ^^

[mcrunner]

I'm from the US, so since I'm under 21, I'm not of the legal drinking age. I don't think there's any way I can take legal action on this guy because it would just be my word against his. I have no proof other than the 18 year old nephews testimony. And also, another one of his nephews, 17 I think, walked into the room at the beginning of it. I think he just saw us kissing. So I don't think any legal action will be taken. I'm just trying to deal with it emotionally.

I did go to see the counselor at my college 2 weeks ago. I told her what happened, but she didn't really tell me whether it would legally be considered rape. We just talked about a lot of things that are going on in my life. I have another appointment tomorrow.

This happened in July, and up till September or so, the uncle would call me every day or every few days. At first we talked about what happened that night, but after that it was mainly just him telling me about his day and stuff and he'd ask how I was doing. I'm not really sure what his motives are behind this. Someone suggested to me that it might be that he was trying to make me feel different about it so that I wouldn't tell anyone about it or accuse him of rape. The counselor also suggested that he may have actually liked me or something. I'm not really sure. But last night he called me out of the blue again. I hadn't heard from him since mid-September or so, so about 2 months. It was a short conversation, and it was just normal chit chat, but I don't know why he decided to start talking to me again.

[asking]

Yikes! He is trying to establish that you are friends. If you ever accuse him, he will say that if you were traumatized, you wouldn't be so friendly and chit chat with him. So therefore it was between "consenting adults."

He's also trying to persuade HIMSELF that it's all "friendly." This guy has no boundaries. (Who knows why he called now. Something brought you to his mind. Have you seen him since his rape?)

I'm afraid your counselor is not helping in this situation, though she may be good for other things.

Please, please go to a lawyer or a rape crisis center and tell your story. They can help you sort out the legal ramifications. If this happened last night, you certainly would have a case. The long delay, I don't know. But the important thing is that right now you don't know how your case would be treated in court and you should NOT just assume you would be disbelieved. That's part your depression and disempowerment talking. And your letting this creep engage you in "friendly"conversation is also part of that. He has violated your boundaries in a major way and continues to. This IS your decision. In a sense, I'm trying to push you to do something that you don't want to, so that's bad. But your mental health depends on assuming control of your feelings and what happens from here forth and that requires that you gather some information.

I am not saying you should press charges, but you should get someone knowledgeable to tell you exactly where you stand so you can make an informed decision that is YOUR decision, not just you giving into that feeling of helplessness.

I forget if you have anyone you are close to there? A sister and good friend. I hope someone can start giving you the love and support you need right now and help you at least find out what your rights are in this situation.

I also really feel you should stop taking this creep's phone calls. You don't have to confront him if you don't want to--although I would! But you can just say it's not a good time to talk every time he calls. He'd get the message.

Rape crisis center. Hopefully, they can help you make some informed decisions.

[kraussnumber2]

I totally agree with 'asking' Just like I wrote earlier I continually suffer from things that happened 17 years ago. Don't let that happen to you. There is a timeframe in which you can accuse someone of such crimes. It is a matter of years... it depends on what state you are in. For example... in Michigan I had ten years after the event or until my 21st birthday since I was a child when it happened. You aren't a child but you still have awhile to file a suit. At least find out what options you have. Don't worry about the drinking coming back to punish you. The uncle will get in trouble for providing it to you but they will usually let it go on your part. So you usually won't get any fines or anything.
And if you are worried about your family finding out that you have been partying and that this happened to you... Im positive your family would rather see these guys who hurt you be put away and punished and hope that you may have learned from this experience and keep yourself safe in the future.

cyberoh... im not really sure what I said that upset you. Im sorry that you felt that I was attacking you or arguing with you. I did not mean to be disrespectful or rude. I hope you understand and again I am sorry if what I said offended you. I agree with you that we are all here to post our opinions and I wasn't trying to tell you that your opinions were wrong or anything like that. I was trying to make peace and say that I didn't know where she lived and therefore you would be right about the age. Again sorry! :)

[mcrunner]

Since many states have different laws with things such as statute of limitations, which state's law would this follow? The one where it took place, where I live, or where he lives, since they are all three different states?

asking - No I have not seen him since the rape. He lives a few states away. During some of our first conversations he talked about meeting up again sometime, which kind of scared me a bit. He said that I should fly on a plane by myself and he'd pick me up at the airport or something. I said my parents likely wouldn't allow that, so he told me to lie to them which I refused to do. Then he suggested he drive all the way to visit me at college, which I also said no to. He said he'd stay in a hotel or something and we could just hang out. There was no way I was going to let this happen. He hasn't talked about that recently though.

[asking]

I don't which state that would be. (I would guess it would be the state where it happened, but guessing isn't knowing.) The people at a rape center would almost certainly know, as would an attorney.

Write down everything you can remember about your conversations with him and keep a couple of copies in different places.

If you tell us which state you are in, and city if you don't mind saying, we can try to help you locate a rape crisis center or attorney who can answer your questions.

[courtn55]

I think the best thing for you to do is. Let it go it was everyone's fault. Just don't make the same mistake twice.Live and learn. You only live once. Enjoy

[asking]

I think the best thing for you to do is. Let it go it was everyones fault. Just don't make the same mistake twice.Live and learn. you only live once. enjoy

I don't agree that it was "everyone's fault" or that there is anything in this to "enjoy."

C55, you may not have experienced anything like this yourself.

[kraussnumber2]

I don't agree that it was "everyone's fault" or that there is anything in this to "enjoy."

C55, you may not have experienced anything like this yourself.

I agree! A drunk minor who is passing out does not deserve to be raped. Yes she shouldn't be drinking at all and definitely not with people she doesn't really know and without a good friend along but that is a youthful indescretion. Letting it go will not help her because you can't just get over this type of thing and move on with your life. Are girls who are drugged from drinks they take from other people to blame for what happens to them? In a sense this girl was drugged with alcohol. Hopefully she can work through this with someone that she trusts and find peace in her heart but she can't do it alone and knowing that a little sister, niece, etc could be next will haunt her forever.
I agree also that it doesn't sound like you have ever experienced something like this which is good and if you have I am sorry to hear that. If you did experience something similar could you share how you got over it to help this girl out... even if it is in a private message your advice could be valuable to her and may help her heal.

[roxypox]

First of all c55: live and let live how on earth can you say that? Have you ever been raped? Have anyone ever violated you and treated you like your body is just an open buffe that is open for service at any time and for anyone? I'm really offended right now.

mcrunner> I'm so sorry that this happened to you! It sounds like a horrible situation and first of all I want to stress that it is not your fault! You are not to blame for this. The story you were told is just a story they told you to cover their own asses, nothing more. How on earth can a grown man do this to a young girl. I have never been able to wrap my brain around rape. I always end up with a huge gaping WHY.

And to force his nephew to have sex with you as well is just... I don't know there are no words!!

Its funny how rape affects you and I'm actually crying right now. This summer I was raped by a guy wile passed out, I wake up in his tent (I live in europe and I was at a music festival) and I'm naked and he is inside me and on top of me. At first I was really confused and once I understood what was going on I was too scared to stop him. He was much bigger then me and I had never seen him before. And I still feel embarced about not stopping him once I woke up. And afterwards I just hid in a different camp then the one I lived in because I didn't want him to find me... once he did. He started stalking me. Telling me he was in love and that he wanted to be with me, it totally freaked me out and for 4 months I've been in denial. I tried to think that it wasn't real, and that I was in on it... but then I found him accidentally on Facebook. And once I saw his picture I had a total breakdown. And I know that it wasn't my fault anymore than this was your fault. You didn't say yes just like I didn't say yes.

We have just been subjected to creepy men who obviously doesn't respect women and our bodies.

How are you feeling identity wise? I've totally lossed by self. I was so self assured and confident before it happened, now I'm a wreck. I have low selfasteem, I'm paranoid... I can't sleep. I hardly go outside. And if I do I go to a work, school, or to the local pub where I know everyone. Where I k now I'm accepted and cared for. I'm getting better though and I'm seeing a phycologist.

Is there a rape crisis centre near you. I saw someone mentioned it earlier... it could be a good idea to seek help.

How are you dealing with other people in your life? Are you anxious, depressed? I suffered from anxiety prior to the rape, but now it's worse and I think I've got an eating disorder. My phycologist says it's a perfectly normal after a rape...

[asking]

Roxypoxy,
I think it's understandable that you did not stop him. You were in his space, he was much bigger than you, you were disoriented, and you had no idea who you were dealing with, what he might do. Your body took over to preserve yourself and I hope you can forgive yourself for that. In a sense it was the most rational thing. Living is good, and you made the best choice you could make at the time. Don't second guess your own instincts.

Thanks for posting. That was really helpful. I hope you start to feel better soon.
Take care,
asking

[cyberoh]

Since many states have different laws with things such as statute of limitations, which state's law would this follow? The one where it took place, where I live, or where he lives, since they are all three different states?

asking - No I have not seen him since the rape. He lives a few states away. During some of our first conversations he talked about meeting up again sometime, which kind of scared me a bit. He said that I should fly on a plane by myself and he'd pick me up at the airport or something. I said my parents likely wouldn't allow that, so he told me to lie to them which i refused to do. Then he suggested he drive all the way to visit me at college, which I also said no to. He said he'd stay in a hotel or something and we could just hang out. There was no way I was going to let this happen. He hasn't talked about that recently though.

I really don't get it. Since you said this IS the guy who gave you so much pain, WHY DO YOU BOTHER YOURSELF to LISTEN to this guy & even give him a chance to CHIT CHAT all these nonsense? <<Then he suggested he drive all the way to visit me at college, which I also said no to. He said he'd stay in a hotel or something and we could just hang out. There was no way I was going to let this happen. He hasn't talked about that recently though.>>

What is the point of telling us even the smallest DETAILS of everyday life of you both??

I am sorry if I was rude but I feel like our opinions are NOT taken seriously by you. Well, at least that's how I feel. You got to BE YOURSELF... but it seems like you are going with the 'flow' which this UNCLE guy is making up. You are falling AGAIN. I give up - -;;

[KBC]

Why I wrote the greenie for the post earlier is:

Focusing on the problem isn't going to resolve the problem.

What SOLUTION can be reached for this hurting,confused girl?

OK,the 'uncle' and 'nephew' were TOTALLY WRONG!we all get that.

Now to move forward and find a settlement for this trauma.

Can the OP accept that she was wrong in drinking with strangers,Yes,she said.

Was she not in her right mind while the action was done to her,Yes,she said.

What would be the wrong thing to do now? Revisit the problem.

How do women accept what has happened to them(violation)and find peace with it?

I don't know,I am not female,but the human responses given in here are still geared on the problem.

As my sponsor tells me constantly,acceptance is the key.Accepting the things we cannot change,the rape happened,it can't be changed,even to put this fellow in jail,label him as a rapist in all of our minds,accept that this won't be adjusted by our opinions.and move on.

How to heal?I can't answer that,but I do feel for this girl,she shouldn't repeat this action unless she wants to continue reliving a past problem.

KBC

[asking]

It's true that dwelling on a problem like this can actually make you feel worse. I read that post 911 survivors who had intensive therapy immediately afterward actually did quite a bit worse than those who didn't. It was kind of a shock to therapeutic community. (I hope I'm remembering this right.)

But I do think it helps to gather enough information to know what your options are and to make a conscious decision--basically to press charges or not, to tell this guy off or not. I feel the op's passivity is partly a result of depression. But that's just my opinion.

I also believe that one good antidote to depression is action on one's own behalf. That doesn't have to mean a court case--although that seems like a possibility-- but it does mean not coasting and never knowing when this creep is going to call again and babble and retraumatize her. She needs to take care of the problem.

How do women accept what has happened to them(violation)and find peace with it?

For myself, revenge fantasies help. :)

[KBC]

For myself, revenge fantasies help.

I also do that!

Now if its depression,or repression I can't quite see yet,I guess we need more posts from the OP.

Repression meaning,not accepting the reality yet,depression,dwelling in the problem without attempting to resolve it.

[mcrunner]

I really don't get it. Since you said this IS the guy who gave you so much pain, WHY DO YOU BOTHER YOURSELF to LISTEN to this guy & even give him a chance to CHIT CHAT all these nonsense? <<Then he suggested he drive all the way to visit me at college, which I also said no to. He said he'd stay in a hotel or something and we could just hang out. There was no way I was going to let this happen. He hasn't talked about that recently though.>>

What is the point of telling us even the smallest DETAILS of everyday life of you both???

I am sorry if I was rude but I feel like our opinions are NOT taken seriously by you. Well, at least that's how I feel. You got to BE YOURSELF... but it seems like you are going with the 'flow' which this UNCLE guy is making up. You are falling AGAIN. I give up - -;;

This is exactly why I came here in the first place... most of my friends have just given up on me :(
I'm giving all the details I find important so that people get the full story. I thought it'd be better to get everything out there so that people would understand better and be more able to help. I'm trying to get past it, but without getting everything out in the open it's hard for me to do so. I'm sorry if you think I'm wasting your time and effort and not making anything better for myself. I'm doing the best I can... I'm in borderline tears now, I don't know what to do. I'm trying to get past it, really I am :-\

[KBC]

This is exactly why I came here in the first place...most of my friends have just given up on me :(
I'm giving all the details I find important so that people get the full story. I thought it'd be better to get everything out there so that people would understand better and be more able to help. I'm trying to get past it, but without getting everything out in the open it's hard for me to do so. I'm sorry if you think I'm wasting your time and effort and not making anything better for myself. I'm doing the best i can...

Mc, please keep posting,this is a frustrating topic for most,but we do want to help you resolve it!