[zeeniee]

I am confused. This is my second post.
I had gone NC for two months now, and last week I had a few drinks and I know I did wrong but I sms my ex-finace and asked if we would ever speak again? To be honest I was not expecting any reply but I got an instant reply saying yes and how was I.. I then rang him, he was at work and told me he was off tomorrow and so we can talk then. He voice sounded relieved and he said he was glad to hear from me. I was surprised, but inside my heart I was just glad to her his voice, and the fact he wanted to speak to me meant a lot.
The next day I thought about what happened, I know I should have not called him, as I was NC, but I knew eventually once the dust settles we would have to talk. We have been together for 9 years and just like that he walked out- it was a very unnatural action of him to do.I did not want to ring him as I did not want to sound desperate and I know he is with someone (the one he left for me). I realize whatever we need to do- must be done properly and with respect. So I decided to sms him to see if it was a good time to call him, as I did not want to add pressure or make things uncomfortable. I got a sms back and it was cold, saying NO sorry I am busy but I will contact you when I am off next time. Now I am confused, why tell me he was off tomorrow and was glad to hear from me if was going to get cold? I don’t know what to do as his family told me to hang on for a while, as they said he is not looking happy and they said he does miss me v much- it is written on his forehead… and that the girl he is with is applying all the pressure and is wearing the pants….if I did not love him, or value what we had over the 9 good years with him, I would walk away by now, but the thing is I do love him v much, 9 years is a long long time… I would need to really double check things before I fully walk away.. for me if I came to that conclusion I would never look back….I have not come to that conclusion… I have no conclusion todate.. and so I told myself to look after myself and start moving on.. when that time comes.. then it comes and then deal with things and keep all options open and make the right decisions then.. and so don’t worry too much right now.. since the break up- things have been in the air somewhere, the NC is good as it allows one to start healing, but it also gives one time to think, reflect and come to terms with what happened.. I see now many ways of how we can resolve our issues. I also respect that it takes 2 to work this out and both partners have to be willing and wanting this as well. I also accept that if we talked and it turned out there was no way we can be together- then fair enough.. the important thing is that we talked etc and came to finalize that decision after readdressing issues... I realize now that I will need this, for a closure… and to move on fully… if I didn’t I will have too many ‘ifs’ and ‘questions’ in my heart that will be there for the rest of my life…
So has he gone all cold because he has changed his mind? Or is just playing with me? Or he needs more time? Or is he under pressure from the girl he is seeing right now and she is running the show? Or is she not reayd to deal with what has happpened? From what I have seen the past few weeks, I feel in my heart the girl is running all of this? His family have also told me this… the girl has placed tremendous pressure psychological on my ex, such that they can see he is unhappy, missing me…. And is not communicating with the family v well… his character is no longer the same and in many ways he looks ‘totally lost’.
What do I do…. I want to reach him v much… but I don’t know how…

[N0help4u]

You say you had 9 good years but the fact is he is with somebody else now and that will not change unless and until he wants it to.
You called and so he KNOWS you are interested so the ball is in his court and all you can do is leave it alone. Contacting him will only be counter productive and end up being more upsetting to you in the long run.

[Fr_Chuck]

The idea of NC is to get them out of your mind, to move on, to start living your life again, not setting around just planing or thinking of them.

So time to move on

[talaniman]

Maybe you don't understand what NC really is, and why you keep it until you have healed.

What good does it do to start healing, and pull the scab off before its ready? That's what you've done, stopped the healing process before you healed, with a drunken text at that. Now his response has started the questions, and FALSE HOPES all over again.

I understand how tough it must be to lose someone after 9 years, and I can bet you can rationalize, any position you want, (closure?) but two lousy months after what you've been thru is not enough, as your learning. The reality is, you interrupted your healing, and must resume it. That's the bottom line.

[zeeniee]

I know , and you are right, NC it is.. it is just v hard... I am OK during the weekdays... it the weekends and the mornings as I used to speak to him 4 times a day... I am trying to better myself and keep myself busy... but at the end of the day I miss him v much... even thou I can't do anything about it... this is going to be much more difficult than I would wish for and I know it will take years to get over it... I hope I do get over it... there are days than I feel I will be like this forever...

[talaniman]

I won't lie, its probably the hardest thing you can do. But it can be done, and even though old habits and thoughts can be overcome, the trick is to make new habits, and thoughts, by planning ahead, and structuring your life with new activities and friends that you enjoy.

Its rough at first, but it will get better. We all go through this and your hardly alone, but read through the stickies, and some of the stories of those in your situation, for insights and suggestions, about COPING with your feelings. You can do this.

[felice-heather]

All you need is a little time to figure out who you are and what it is that YOU want. After you find yourself and the person deep inside, than worry about the Love of your life. Maybe this happened for a reason. Maybe it happened just so you can have time for yourself. I wish you the best, and good luck!

[zeeniee]

Dear all, after readingthe open letter the ex- I felt that I wanted to clear the air with my ex-finace's girlfirend- who has ruined my life and has been a pain in the arse since I have found out- she got involved with my relationship with myles, by textingme, emailing me and winding me up on Facebook, upsetting me and many family members. I knew myles for 9 years and we were to marry in two months from now...
She wants myles, she has him... well she might as well know a few home truth...
should I send the below?

Dear Sarah,
I thought it was time I sent you an email. Well first I should congratulate you! Congratulations Sarah! You have indirectly done me a huge favor. People say things happen for a reason and sometimes when bad things happen in life, it is actually a blessing! To be truthful with you I could not see how this could be a blessing in anyway, but with time I have noticed that my shoulders are not weighing me down like ton of bricks. It took me a while to realize why.
So what have you done? You have given me FREEDOM and indirectly by falling in love with Myles and letting him live with you, you have removed ALL MY PROBLEMS- you are now carrying ALL MY PROBLEMS on YOUR SHOULDERS. My apologies for not thanking you sooner, like I said it took me a while to realize this.

Now I will be frank, I don’t know you, I don’t need to know you and nor would I ever feel the need to want to know you. Nevertheless I think you should know a few things, to keep the record straight and honest.
1) Myles never FINISHED IT WITH ME nor did he told me about YOU! When Myles came to Singapore, I already knew something was wrong. When we had sex together soon after he landed, right after, like 30 secs later, I asked him who he was seeing- v direct and v straight to the point... he said no one, he could never do this to me... ever... really? In fact I asked at least a million times over the 5 week period whilst he was here and gave him the opportunity to tell me. I logically figured if a man was in love with another, or was ing around, he should well MAN UP and tell his woman he likes another person like a MAN would, sort the situation out and then leave and be with his new chick. This way a woman can appreciate her man’s honestly and let him go and a man can admire his woman’s understanding and let her go. Then he can go and play happy families with his new chick. That is the right way to do this. I have been WITH YOUR MAN for 9 years, and I have been ING YOUR MAN for 9 years and I have LOVING YOUR MAN for 9 years- 9 years is a long time- a lot of ing, kissing and loving has been going on during this time- all I need is one kiss, one second of ing, one look from his eyes to know if he is cheating on me, that’s how close we were. So I knew already within 3 hours of him arriving in Singapore (yep did not take long to have sex and there was plenty of it) that I had caught him red handed. Myles had all the opportunity to tell me IF he wanted this relationship over and about YOU anytime in the 5 weeks he was here, I tried to give him this time and so he can tell me respectably in his own good time, but he did not. In fact he had 10 months (thinking back) to tell me. There was no gun to be head forcing him to be with me. WHY WOULD I WANT TO BE WITHSOME LIKE THAT IN MY LIFE AS A LOVER? His actions tell one that that he is not clear about anything at this point. If I was in his shoes, and I was madly in love with someone, as painful as it would have been I would have told my man straight, especially if there is a wedding on the way. My actions would not just have an impact on my man, but every single member of the family and friends. Thus it would be so important to give an explanation and a decent one for all the heart ache I would be causing- don’t you agree? I certainly would not be ing both men at the same time- that would be a sign of I don’t know what I am doing and so I will do both of them for now. Someone told me that you have been chasing him like a “crazy mosquito” since Feb. Thus Myles had a lot of time to stop sharing his life with me. He has had a lot of time to tell me what he needed to say, give his explanations/ come clean and walk out like a MAN. But he didn't hmm. I REALIZE NOW HIS ACTIONS AND BEHAVIOUR IS NOT OF A MAN WHO HE KNOWS WHAT HE WANTS AND VALUES IN LIFE. Thus he played with whatever came along. What does your dad/ male friends think of this?

2) How did I find out?
When I saw the text from Ceci (I presume that’s your nickname) I first tried to halt the wedding plans as I was overwhelmed and I needed to think, but then he pushed me into getting things done for the wedding and so I told Myles straight, I could not go ahead with the wedding as something is not right and I can’t marry someone who is not being honest. Looking back I am shocked as he still wanted to go ahead with weddings rings payments and carry on with our wedding plans, he said he is going through a ‘low’ moment and will be fine, he actually told me I was worrying for nothing! But I could not pay for the wedding rings, as I knew I was 99.999% certain and so I stop everything. It was the ONLY right thing to do. Thank god I used my head and stopped, despite what my heart was feeling. Even then he never said anything about YOU. When did I find out about YOU? When he SLIPPED up with his words and said he will pick the remaining of his things up in Dec on the way to New Zealand –that was two hours before he left for the airport and that’s when I figured how he has been playing with-YOU. WOW, I hadn’t realized he made TWO PLANS, WITH TWO WOMEN and obviously was planning to be in TWO places at the SAME MOMENT IN TIME. Very smart moves Myles, how far was all this going to go? I wonder if Myles was planning to clone TWO S?
I obviously was v devastated with this, and was emotionally overwhelmed with grief, HOWEVERI REALIZE NOW HOW LUCKY I AM TO KNOW MYSELF WELL, TO KNOW MYLES WELL, TO PICK UP THE SIGNS AND STOP. Would Myles stop? If I did not find out what I did, would he be with you or me? Big question: would he actually tell me? Doesn’t matter for me now- but it is something for you to ponder on I guess.

Just like that everything that did not make sense over the 5 weeks he was here, suddenly made sense, not hard to work out really. Myles said he “never thought he would meet someone just like him”, you were kindly described as one who “likes to party hard’’, someone ''who is like one of the guys" and then ‘’ at least she is not a prostitute and so I guess it is alright’’ and “oh yes you have some qualifications on psychology”! Shocking, poor and disrespectful is all I can say Myles, considering you moved in with this person 24 hours after saying this. Took me a while to get to grip with all of this, with all my pain and heartache, but now I can see how SHALLOW, SELFISH, NARROWMINDED and SHORTSIGHTED he has become.

As painful as all this has been; I now realize a few things:
“Cheater will always be cheater (he cheated twice with me: first with a Thai prostitute whilst I was in the UK, which took two years of hard work to build that trust- ask anyone! And with you- who knows maybe there was more), cheaters are selfish individuals, devious, insecure, and shortsighted beings who will always care more for what they can get, than what they can give, will never commit fully and will only do when it is all rosey and sweet, but when it gets to the real life and when there are signs of problems, they will run as fast as they can, rather than embracing and dealing with that situation, will never cherish what they have for long, but will always believe the grass is greener on the other side, and will always have that “eye” out for the greener grass, cheaters have NO BOUNDARIES, they don’t know when to stop and will cause a trail of havoc without correcting themselves, cheaters are loyal to themselves and only them, they will think of then first and maybe their mate if it fits in with what they want, the mate is always second whether it is the wife or the mistress”

As much as I love Myles and miss him so much for what he was, rather than what he has become, I now know one thing:

I JUST HAD TO LUCKEST ESCAPE OF MY LIFE

Wouldn’t you agree?

[zeeniee]

Oh yes if I did send this it I would unblock her- send it on Facebook, and block her again...

[DeleteAndBan]

Probably not what you want to hear but this is the worst plan ever. You will regret sending it, as it clearly shows how bothered you really are by this whole situation. Just a summary:

1) you show that it bothers you, a lot - just displays your weakness, not your strength
2) It will not lead to any results - he won't come back and she won't leave him
3) It can lead to a dragged out mailfight which will definitely mess with your emotions
4) They will be more bothered if you decide not to contact them at all, think about it, this is a much better display as to how happyyou are that you are rid of this guy and the situation than to contact them again.

You are above them, and above this situation, so let it go.

[zeeniee]

Thank you- well is a good thing I stuck it here instead- as ti be honest it would take great courage for me to send it- and so I posted it here and hope I get good feedback instead.

[Romefalls19]

Take the high road and live a happy life, best revenge you could give

[zeeniee]

Its been a hard day today, I told him mum his cargo is sent and I want to be left alone... I don't want to see him or his chick and so this is the best way... she said I was to rash with my decision as she feels my ex still feels for me.. and so I said well there is nothing I can do now... but I am v sad today- I feel like screaming at both of them... and so I wrote this letter and I feel like an idiot...

[starbuck8]

I understand how hard this must be, and that you want to lash out to hurt both him and her. To be quite honest, they deserve it in my opinion.

With that said, what are you going to accomplish by sending that letter? Nothing! I know it must feel good to let that all out, but you will only cause more hurt for yourself in the end. I know you want both of them to feel how much you hurt, but they haven't done that, so it will do you no good. Both of them obviously have no conscience, and probably deserve each other anyway. Nothing you can write or say will change that.

Just sit back and know that what comes around, goes around, and karma will come knocking on their door! Trust me it will, and then you will have the last laugh.

[mignweld]

First of all I would like to welcome you to the club. This is a phenomenon that's practiced world wide. It's a disease that strikes all walks and facets of life.

Once they believe they can get away with it they will do it again. Not only will they do it again, But it will now become a very normal part of their life. So normal that they begin to think it is what is supposed to happen. They are cowards,liars,selfrightous.

Best this has happen now before the expense of the wedding and the embarrassment it would have caused with friends and family.

Your right to let him go and I give you a warm hug and these gentle words.
The path of life has many turmoils,hurdles, and misguided events. But believe in this, there is a reason. You are now a stronger person, and your caring and affectionate ways Will fall into the person you are supposed to be with, but maybe couldn't because you would have been married to Mr wrong.My advice would be not to communicate any more with him," cut off the bleeding as they say" Move on. Don't give his pathetic life style any more of your time or attention. If he calls hang up quickly with not one word for him to hear. This is what will hurt him because his disease needs turmoil. Keep moving on, and when you are weak and I know you are now, find something to keep you busy.. Time will heal this broken heart... How do I know you may ask? I am married, and found out that my wife has been cheating on me, for a long time now... I have a 5 year old daughter that had given me the hint to find this out, so now we are separated, I am alone in my heart, except I know one thing, my daughter is the best thing to ever happen to me and when I feel sad or depressed I think of her... Take care my friend , time will heal... slowly But it does happen.

[Fredj88]

I wouldn't send it, but I love your paragraph on cheaters I agree 110 percent on that

[zeeniee]

Thanks guys- the feedbacks are great, I am glad I did not make a fool of myself sending it. I not sopken to the ex for a while and to be honest I don't have the strength or will power too, I am v hurt and although this happened 2.5 months ago, it feels like it happened yesterday. He was not right for me- no person that cares for a person would walk out just like that, without an explanation. I do hope they both have it coming to them- your right they deserve each other- both are selfish and heartless people and don't care for anyone else but themselves. I want to recover from this as soon as I can. I have been so miserable since and cried so much, I am amazed that my tear ducks can still produce tears.. it sucks..

[mignweld]

Cool... see feeling better already aren t you... lol Thanks, Dale charleston,sc:):):)

[zeeniee]

Hi Fredj88,
Shocking as it is- cheaters are cheaters- when it first happened- he was so so sorry and he really cried, I felt so bad and I thought I should forgive as anyone can make such a mistake- we are stupid humans after all.. but I learnt that once they do that- they can do it again... such a sad thing to see...

[zeeniee]

Yeah I feel a bit better- I think for the last two months I have been quite and maybe I should just talk more and get it out of my system.. that's everyone.