[Tralyn]

I'd take these feelings and give them to the ocean, or a river.

It's almost a guilt ridden feeling that I have that she doesn't know, it's hard to explain. Do you think that would wash it away for me really?

[liz28]

If I saw my friend boyfriend or husband cheating or even got wind of it, I would tell depending on the relationship we have. Example:Years ago my best friend boyfriend was caught by me kissing another girl on the lips in an passion embrace. I called her right away and told her and she confronted him but he lied but she knew I wasn't lying and left him. Currently my boyfriend brother is cheating on his wife. I hang out from her and it bothers me that I know all about the brothers bad deeds. My boyfriend told her but she won't accept he's cheating. I knew she was this type of person and that's why I kept my mouth shut.

In this situation I believe you shouldn't say anything due to her comments about cheating and not wanting to know. She already suspected it at the time but for whatever reasons stayed. If anything you can give hints but don't say what you know.

If my boyfriend was cheating on me, I'd love to know and would be luckily to have a friend like you that would tell me. I'd be more madder at the friend that knew but never told. It's not immature but it's what true friends do. Again, it depends on the relationship you share with that friend because some it can back fire if the friendship isn't solid. Then again, I was not raised to keep my mouth shut and friends are supposed to look out for one another and have each other back. I've all my friends back and if I see wrong, they will know because I am going tell.

[Tralyn]

Thank you Liz28... I know it's confusing everyone but it is not Amy that made the comments about not wanting to know. It was her 'friend' that is covering up the lie for Phil that made those comments. Just verifying.. thanks.

[twinkiedooter]

I think your confrontation of the young lady was in very poor taste and totally uncalled for. Quite frankly, it is none of your business as this happened how many years ago? Can't you let go and get on with your life? Anyway, it wasn't you who cheated with Phil, so why are you so obsessed with this? It's Phil's business, not yours. He's the one who lives with Amy. Sorry.

[Alty]

Tralyn, I know how you feel, you want to tell because you think it's wrong that Amy doesn't know, but really, it's none of your business.

You are responsible for your life and no one else's. You get to make the decisions for your relationship, the children you bring in to that relationship and everything to do with that relationship. You are not responsible for other people's lives.

If you tell you will destroy that family, Amy might leave, take the kids with her and that will be your fault.

No you didn't do the cheating, Phil did, and it's his responsibility to tell the truth, not yours. It may be killing you inside, but it's not your life, not your place to tell. Trust me, keep quiet, pretend you don't know and go on with your life.

Let Phil and Amy deal with Phil and Amy. Okay?

:)

[liz28]

Sorry Tralyn about the misunderstanding but I've one question left for you, you stated you had this conversation a few years ago with your colleagues? Am I right or your discuss this recently.

I could understand you feeling bad and confronting the girl in the bar but I feel it was more Phil fault then the girl because he said vows to Amy not her. When people cheat I never blame or get mad with the person he/she cheated with but the actual cheater because they could've said no and not have gave in to temptation. I think her best friend isn't one at all because she could have told her years ago. Have you ever saw the movie title "Why did I get marry"? If so, I like the friend who was willing to let her friend her husband was cheating while the others wouldn't. I still think this case is different.

[N0help4u]

Yes saying anything about the past is only going to cause problems.
Say your boyfriend cheated on you when you first got together but since then has been faithful and making the marriage work would you really want some 'do gooder' to tell you what he did years ago when you first got together. It could be that she did know and she did forgive and they did work it out and your bringing it up could just make you look like a busy body trying to stir up problems.

[Tralyn]

I appreciate all your opinions and I have pretty much succumbed to the fact that I'm not going to say a word. For any of you that have read my posts in other areas of this board I hope that you know - or have come to know that I am not out to ruin anybody's life - that was not my intention at all. That is in fact one of the reasons that I have said nothing, the reasons my boyfriend has said nothing.

To answer the question about myself - yes - I would absolutely want to know the truth of an infedility with my man - years later or not I would want to know. The feeling of knowing something in your gut and being told you are repeatedly mistaken, making things up what have you is a horrible feeling. You begin to question your own judgement on many things. I would want to know.

I don't consider myself a 'do gooder'. I consider myself her friend.. and I feel very badly for her - the fact that her husband has lied to her (she still scopes out women in public to see if someone looks familiar from the past - that is how much it bothers her), and also the fact that her best friend has lied to her as well. That is all very wrong to me.

I realize my confrontation of the gal at the bar was immature. I felt bad for it the next day - in the end it did nothing good and I know that. At the moment I felt as if it was at least something for Amy since she has never even been given the respect of the truth. I'm sure I'm not the only person who has made a bad decision in their past but in all honesty, I wasn't asking for an opinion in regards to that.

The actual conversation with my colleague and Phil happened about 1 1/2 years ago - thinking here.. yes, I believe it was about that long verses the couple years I stated in my initial post. My conversation with Amy was less than a year ago.. the realization from my boyfriend that the cheating did indeed happen was a few months ago.

Also.. for the record - I have been getting on with my life for crying out loud. In no way has this stopped my life or been in the way of the progress of my life. Is this not a place to post things and get opinions even if it is about something that has been troubling you? It's something that has troubled my heart. Altenweg, yes, I feel bad because I feel that she has the right to know.

There, thank you for your opinions - I do appreciate them. I hope I answered everyone's questions as well. I do not have any respect for dishonesty and that is probably a big part of what fuels my troubles with this... thanks for your insights.

[Alty]

Tralyn, I truly understand, I really do. I was in a similar situation once, and I never intended to tell, but the husband of the friend that was cheating came right out and asked me. I'm a terrible liar, and didn't even bother to try and blurt out a lie, I just kept quiet, which was enough.

They got divorced, fought for custody of the kids and went through a bitter battle for 5 years. I felt horrible. I know it wasn't my fault that she cheated. I also didn't actually tell, but not saying a word was just as bad as telling the truth.

He and I are still friends, she won't talk to me, even though she ended up marrying the guy she cheated with.

Really, I know it's hard, but it's not your problem, it really isn't. You are a good friend, which is why this bothers you, but in the long run, it's not your place to tell.

I hope I didn't sound harsh, and I know that you are a good person. I also know that because you are a good person you will continue to struggle with this, and I have a feeling that eventually it will ruin your friendship with Amy and Phil.

Talk to your boyfriend, let him tell Phil that you know what happened and that you both know that he didn't tell Amy like he said he would. Leave it to Phil, and trust that sooner or later, the truth will come out, but don't have a hand in that.

Now, big smile, like you mean it, and be happy. You've got one of the good guys, you're having a baby, and all is good with the world. Okay? :);)

[Tralyn]

You did just make me smile huge Altenweg - thank you!

This has already damaged my relationship with Phil and Amy. I have lost respect for Phil. Every time he talks down to her I get very upset and so does my boyfriend.

And of course, my colleague at that time was a friend until I discovered how badly they too lie - and then the cover up for Phil just sickened me. I can't help it - that's who I am.

You were not too harsh - I appreciate your honest opinion and then relating it to a similar situation of your own, means a lot to me.

Just up right now because I puked up the pickles I ate earlier.. dangit!

You are right, I think in ways this will continue to bother me. But yes - life is good here, truly it is!;)

[Alty]

I'm glad I made you smile, life's too short to be upset. ;)

The fact that it bothers you just shows what kind of person you are, a good, honest, caring person. But trust in this, what comes around goes around, so sooner or later karma will bite Phil in the butt, of this I'm sure.

Puking pickles, I remember those days. :)

[TarrahAlleah]

I actually think a little differently than the other. I think you need to sit down with your friend and tell her what you know. Tell her. She is not in a happy marriage. A happy marriage is one were you are faithful from start to finish , and do not disrepesct your spouce for any reason. I had a very bad relationship once and I know what it is like to be cheated on. I was married had one child been with the man for seven years. Only married three. It IS her right to know. Just explain that you were having a conversation with some colligues at work and that was the subject and phil acted funny to the answer when you metioned it to your boyfriend he told you the truth and the only reason he didn't tell her was because Phil was supposed to. I can tell that you care for this woman a lot and she is a good friend of yours. If I had a friend like you who wanted to do the right thing I would not have gone through the heart ache that I did when I found out about my husband. If she is a good friend she will not hate you if Phil denies it.