[hjpan]

Thanks for the advise everyone. I'm just going to have to take it down a notch.

she just called me to let me know what she was doing tonight and where she was planning on going. Which was nice of her-- i went out too... that seemed to make her happy. I'm reading into things too much i think... But i figure if she's volunteering this kind of info like who/what/where...she must still have something in her heart for me. Otherwise she'd just tell me to Eff off and let her live her life. Though i'm still paranoid something bad is going to happen, even though she's been 100% loyal to me over the years... i guess in a time like this a bit of paranoia is natural?

Paranoia causes delusions which makes relationships fail.

You need to hang out with your friends; she needs to hang out with her friends.

[hellonasty]

So I woke up at about 5am this morning on the couch. I don't really remember what time I fell asleep.. but I don't think I slept much more than 3 hours. Par for the course this week I guess.

I was thinking of getting a card and writing my thoughts for her in it. Sometimes when I say things it comes out a little wrong. Maybe writing it down for her would help.

[hellonasty]

She just called me. She's still at her sisters- but they're both on the way back to the house. She asked if I wanted to go for lunch with them.

I don't get it.

[hjpan]

She just called me. She's still at her sisters- but they're both on the way back to the house. She asked if i wanted to go for lunch with them.

I don't get it.

GO FOR LUNCH WITH THEM

It might be a sign of saying "hey.. let's have a small get-together.."

[hellonasty]

Well we went out for lunch. It was OK. But I kept have these huge waves of anxiety and awkwardness coming over me. After lunch we fell into the "talk" again, thanks to me :(. I tried to talk to her about the living and business arrangements and how I don't think I can stick around either in this environment I'm currently in as I feel like I'm going to go mental. She proceeded to tell me that we work well in the business together and fought hard for it and it would be a total waste to throw it away. She says she enjoys working with me and we do well together. I couldn't bare to run a business and have her there everyday- as just someone who works there.. as an ex. Later on we moved onto talking about our relationship, again, my fault. She's really getting p!ssed about these 'talks' we keep having.

She says that we've been having the same problems for over a year now. And that this hurt I feel right now is what she has been dealing with for the past while. I told her I know what it is that she wants and that I have it in me and that I just need to stop being so ignorant towards it and pay closer attention. I told her that I love her with all of my heart and the part that is hardest for me right now is hurting so much for someone that doesn't even know if she wants to be with me anymore. She says her heart wants to be with me still but logically it might not make sense and this is what she needs to figure out by having some time to herself-- to get reconnected to who she is. I wish we could still be together while she figures this out. Couldn't we be together but just take it down a notch? Sleeping on the couch sucks, bigtime. Even more so when you don't have a choice.

She says she cannot promise anything to me and wished I was appreciative of her honesty. I told her I could just pick up my stuff and go away-- but this seemed to get her more frustrated. She said in not so many words: 'can't you just relax and not be so dramatic... this is part of the problem'. I explained that I did not want to be around someone who I loved but didn't love me back the same way. As it's destroying me.

This is so hard after so many years.

There're certain things that are said that I cling onto in my mind. They haunt me till no end. Every time my eyes close for even a second the words come back to me and I'm awake in a flash. For instance, when I said I had a feeling how this time out was going to pan out-- she got upset at me and said to stop being so negative. I said the fact the my 'soul mate' doesn't know if she wants to be together anymore is pretty good inclination of where it's going. I mean, people should just know, shouldn't they, even if you need a break you should know deep down what you want? She than said "what makes you think we arent going to be together??" and I said 'we're on a break! '. Then she more or less says "you're always so logical. Why can't you be logical this one time! there's more to being together than being in a relationship. there are other ways of being together." At which point I'm totally lost as to what she means. She said it so certainly, like she knew we were just going to be friends.. of course, it might all just be in my head and I might be making a mountain out of a molehill... this is what I seem to do. This is probably why I am here typing this.

This is my hell. I wonder if I deserved it.

[hellonasty]

A week or so ago I was on my girlfriends computer grabbing an old email that I had lost for work. While there I saw in the sent items folder an email from an exbf that she hadn't dated since she was probably 20 or so (10+ yeas ago). It was a standard 'hey how's it going we should meet up sometime for coffee type of thing-- check out some of the work I've been doing'. I got all paranoid and told her I saw it and was pretty upset. She assured me it was nothing and that he was from a long long time ago and that it was nice that she could connect with some old friends. Well, this morning I actually checked her computer and saw that they are actually going to meet-up for coffee this evening to catch up. I thought about how to approach this with her so I danced around the notion of her looking for other people and if she is. She knew I read the email, but neither of us flat out addressed that we pretended that we were just talking in a as if scenario. She said there is absolutely nothing to worry about and that he was from a long long time ago and she is just looking for some new people and old friends to talk with. It got a little heated and she said that this is the kind of thing that is pushing her away. And that we need to get back in-touch with our friends to breath new life into where we are as individuals.
She never came out and said she was going to meet him, which kind of bothers me. And I don't know how meeting him will roll out. I asked her how she would feel if I started talking to one of my ex's.. and she responded with Jealous and Upset.

I felt super bad so I called her on her way to the office to apologize for being so intrusive during our break. She told me that these encounters are not helping us at all and are pushing everything further apart as she is getting more and more angry and frustrated and essentially dead inside. I told her I felt a bit confused because I didn't know if the final nail was in the coffin or if there was still hope. She said "honestly, i don't know. But i do know that the way we have been is bad for the both of us." We just need patients to see how everything goes.

Last night we had a good time, we ordered some food, watched a movie, talked and then when I was on the couch heading for bed she gave me a hug. I thought things we're getting positive.. and then I see that email..


I spoke to a relative about the email and they said that email is a result of the problem and not the cause of it and that I probably didn't have anything to worry about. She just needs a bit of new life and that any relationship she had with them was a long long time ago. Of course someone else said that when I women wants a break it means she's looking for someone better to make them happier.

She has never been unfaithful as far as I've known. But I'm feeling really lost and confused. In a way I'm worried that I made this email thing so uncomfortable for her that maybe she won't meet up with him and than resent me even more.

[Romefalls19]

I think you forgot to attach the e-mail? But she wants space, you need to give it to her or she will be gone for good

[hellonasty]

Sorry, I wasn't planning on attaching it. I phrased that sentence kind of odd.

[hellonasty]

I understand she wants her space, I'm working on it. But how am I suppose to not get totally paranoid at
a)the possibility of a permanent demise of my relationship
b)the possibility of her doing something with her old friend/bf

[talaniman]

Since subtle hint don't work, let do it the old fashion way.

She is basically tired of your insecure, selfish ways, and needs some space of her own, and instead of working on your own issues in an effort to be better, you bug her to hell trying to figure out what you should already know.

I am willing to bet you have been going along in your own world for some time now, and she has been telling you, or showing you for a while, what she needs, and wants, and you have ignored her over, and over again, and went with what was at the end of your nose.

The sad part is this is an easy fix with a few adjustments, but you would rather ponder the universe, than see what's in front of your face, and sorry, that's pathetic, and I bet her, and her sister are laughing there azz off at your inability to see reality, and act accordingly.

Okay that's the end of my rant. My advice, disappear for 3 days, go fishing or golfing, but you need the time to figure out exactly what your female is telling you, and how to accomplish it. ACTIONS AND NOT WORDS, so a plan is essential. Don't call, or talk to anyone, and see if your head is more receptive, to something besides your own needs, and attitudes, that you have apparently been foisting on her, and taking her for granted. She needs to do something besides listen to you, and your attitude. The word insensitive comes to mind, and you really need to work on that.

Let us know what you come up with.

[talaniman]

I understand she wants her space, im working on it. But how am i suppose to not get totally paranoid at
a)the possibility of a permanent demise of my relationship
b)the possibility of her doing something with her old friend/bf

A man that has paid attention to the needs of his female, has neither paranoia, or insecurities about her actions. So obviously you have been ignoring something you needed to pay attention to.:rolleyes:

[Romefalls19]

And the Tal-man is back! My have we missed your harsh true advice!

[hellonasty]

Great, thanks. Now I feel like a million!

I've never been jealous or insecure more than one or twice.. and I keep those to myself and am over it within minutes. It's the current circumstances at hand that do it to me. I feel like a terrible person and that is the reason for all of this and why it would be easy for someone else to swoop in and make her forget. Of course, in my current state of mind I also find my (ex)gf to be perfect and have placed the entire burden on my shoulders.

[talaniman]

Hellonasty, Great, thanks. Now I feel like a million!
I've never been jealous or insecure more than one or twice.. and I keep those to myself and am over it within minutes.

That is not correct as your present post shows.

It's the current circumstances at hand that do it to me.

I think your like that a lot, an awful lot and are great at taking the smallest and most innocuous things and blowing them into mountains.

I feel like a terrible person and that is the reason for all of this and why it would be easy for someone else to swoop in and make her forget.

See what I mean, take the easy way out and put the burden on your own shoulders. That doesn't relieve you of responsibility nor excuse you for be a selfish..!

Of course, in my current state of mind I also find my (ex)gf to be perfect and have placed the entire burden on my shoulders

Your current state of mind is flawed and unrealistic, but I suppose it excuses you from getting your butt off the pity pot.


Now do you feel 2 millions times worse??

[hellonasty]

That is not correct as your present post shows.

I feel insecure now because of the current state of what's going on. I would hope it's natural, or somewhat at least.

I think your like that a lot, an awful lot and are great at taking the smallest and most innocuous things and blowing them into mountains.

I agree with this 1000%. In my mind I think something is a huge deal even when it's not. Maybe the email I read is something small and I shouldn't be concerned with it. It is only meeting with an ex that she is keeping from me. She suspiciously called me to say her work was running late tonight too.

See what I mean, take the easy way out and put the burden on your own shoulders. That doesn't relieve you of responsibility nor excuse you for be a selfish..!

I do believe most of this is my fault. I'm just trying to get to the root of it all. I'm worried now is too late and I'm trying to salvage a life together.

Your current state of mind is flawed and unrealistic, but I suppose it excuses you from getting your butt off the pity pot.

Can you please explain this to me?

Now do you feel 2 millions times worse??

Not really. I'm more interested now into why you think this. This might be something that can help me look inside of myself.

[talaniman]

After 10 years, and your insecure with your female, that suggests a certain amount of selfishness on your part, and when people rise to that level, they don't pay attention, and miss the things they need to know that their partner is trying to tell them.

In your case I think you have missed some very clear hints, over time, and haven't paid attention to what she has been telling you, whatever that may be, and I base that on your reactions to what she has been telling you now. You only react, and pay attention when it threatens your comfort zone, that you are in, and I suspect, that's the only time you're a good listener.

You still haven't heard a word she has said, and can only think about you, as insecure people are very selfish, and hardly ever think how their actions effect others.

After 10 freakin years don't you think she wants to be paid attention to in the right way? And appreciated?? Have you been doing that??

Naw, you have probably been taking what you want, with little return to her. Hey maybe she was willing, but that may have changed.

I see some changes as your salvation, not being paranoid, but proactive.

[talaniman]

Do I chill out and take it easy? Not be so stressed around her? Act like a friend, again?

Nice start.

[hellonasty]

Well she told me tonight that I feel like her best friend. She said she didn't mean it like *that* but I'm fairly sure she is feeling that we are just friends now in her heart.

I told her that I know the last year has been rough and that I know a year ago we said we'd work on it but didn't really. But it's taken me awhile to fully understand what it was that I was missing and I'm still learning... she thinks we both might just be changing.
I think she said that it's going to be hard if we both don't understand where this relationship is or if one of us thinks it's something it isn't. She said more about the way I made her feel bad and exactly what it was. I'm trying to listen to her. I'm trying to feel what her words are really saying.

Is there any coming out of this friend trap? Or am I needing to accept this all as the end?

[hjpan]

well she told me tonight that I feel like her best friend. She said she didn't mean it like *that* but i'm fairly sure she is feeling that we are just friends now in her heart.

I told her that I know the last year has been rough and that i know a year ago we said we'd work on it but didn't really. But it's taken me awhile to fully understand what it was that I was missing and I'm still learning..... she thinks we both might just be changing.
I think she said that it's going to be hard if we both don't understand where this relationship is or if one of us thinks it's something it isn't.

Is there any coming out of this friend trap? Or am i needing to accept this all as the end?

This is the typical female species self-defense mode. My ex also said the same thing; excuses were "the relationship isn't going anywhere", "I don't have feelings for you anymore," and "I think we should be friends and take it again in the future."

Tal, BB123, ISF, Rome, HJP (me), and every other guy whose been dumped... faced the same crap the female species put us up to.

As I was told before, the female species tend to put false hopes in order to make themselves feel "secure"

[hellonasty]

So you're saying I'm screwed?