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fredg · Mar 15, 2006, 08:04 AM

HI,
I do agree with you that you made a mistake in calling your ex, even though she was sick. All that did was to re-start feelings, and stop you from moving on for the time being.
I think you will be much better off, not communicating with her at all, and move on with this new girl. You have to, somehow, start moving on.
Letting go of the past is the only way you are going to be "free".
It will take awhile, but you can do it. Best of luck, and hang in there.

jc105 · Mar 15, 2006, 08:34 AM

Prosty,

First I feel for you, am going through the same thing right now. Literally been 2 weeks since my girlfriend moved out, tomorrow. My advice is to make yourself happy doing whatever that is. I would recommend just meeting as many people as possible, just play the field. Obviously your ex is confused, but if she says you abandoned her, ask her who left when you had begged her to stay. That is abandoned. Regardless of how much you love her you have to try to imagine how she feels and after 2 weeks the girl is confused. Her being with someone else is as much a rebound situation as the girl you are going to see.

The advice I am working on is that you 'were' in love with each other. Based on the amount of effort she has put into leaving you, obviously you meant something to her. Remember that you do mean something to her and that if you give her time she may miss you if you have no contact. And hopefully when you two do see each other you may get those butterflies like when you first meet someone.

YOU ARE IN CONTROL! That is what you have to work towards. She took that away when she left, but you have it back now that she is getting confused.

You have to rely on your confidence to get you ahead. Personally I can't stand not talking to my girl, but I feel it is the best for me. I may go try to have a cup of coffee with my girl next week, but I am definitely still looking for another girl. Just assume she is gone forever, and it will make it better no matter how it ends.

If she comes back and things go well, awesome. If she doesn't you aren't disappointed. Personally I am still working on that mind state.

Good Luck, I know how nice it is to read ANY advice at these times.

Wildcat21 · Mar 15, 2006, 08:40 AM

Yes - she abandoned you - you did the right thing hanging up.

Maybe now you can see what type of person she is - she is trying to make you feel guilty FOR HER ACTIONS!!

What does she want you to be?? A sick love puppy?? Always there for her?? While she sees other people??

jc105 · Mar 15, 2006, 08:42 AM

Please rate my responses.

I am personally just as confused as the next poor sap, but I feel more clarity when I am talking about someone else's issues.

Oh yeah Prosty... Stop listening to sad alternative rock, that crap will make you want to kill yourself cause all they do is ***** about girls. Rap is probably the least painful to listen to. I mean good rap, you know power rap.

Trust me, my bad times go away when I listen to it.

Don't get me wrong though I love rock and the powerman 5000 show I saw right after my girl left was probably the most fun I have ever had at a concert.

Rock on - B****es ain't nothing but hoes and tricks. They need to shut they mouth and...

Uhhhh WHAT!. OKAY!

Lol

JC

Allison2321 · Mar 15, 2006, 10:00 AM

Try to take some time for yourself there is no need to rush into another relationship. If you do take it very slow so no one gets hurt. I would let your heart completely heal before letting another woment into it.

kandy · Mar 15, 2006, 10:50 AM

I know it is not easy but you have to stop acting like her little dummy I mean she has you and she knows she does so take a few days off work so that you can not see her because if you see her then you will want her back even more

s_cianci · Mar 15, 2006, 05:38 PM

I'd definitely start seeing this other girl. And no running right back to your ex, regardless of how often she calls or begs. Make her miss you and make her want you. Remember, she ended it for another guy and evidently hasn't even given up on this other guy. Do you really want to have to share her with someone else? Act totally aloof as though you couldn't care less about this ex and what she's doing. You're fine without her and don't need her and it's important for her to realize that. Don't flaunt it, just let it show for itself.

prosty · Mar 16, 2006, 12:13 AM

Well, good people I appreciate your advice immensely. Now what happened after 2 months of not contacting her because its so difficult trying not call someone you've been speaking with like 2times a day on phone for three years and all of a sudden you've to stop calling/answering her calls. I sometime picked the phone, dialed her number and cut the call. For about a week and a half now she didn't call but yesterday she called but I still didn't pick it.

And one thing, I've been seeing her new b/f with another gal in his car at odd hours around my area for sometime now. He doesn't know where I live and he doesn't live anywhere near my area. I found out about the b/f, the car he uses, where he works and all that. I know the relationship is not going to work for them but I told myself I couldn't care less. It's their lives and not mine.

Wildcat21 · Mar 16, 2006, 09:16 AM

Well, that's the pitfalls of dating... there usually ARE other men/women. Most women don't realize that the super nice 'hunk' she feels all this new attraction for most likely has 2 or 3 other gals on string. They are called players and are great at keeping gals on a string. Sounds like your ex is with a player. They act all sweet for as long as they can - then the gal figures out he has 1 or 2 other gals - the player then moves on to another un-suspecting gal.

Now how does she look to you?

Wildcat21 · Mar 16, 2006, 09:23 AM

BTW- this how women become really hurt... and turn into players themselves.

jc105 · Mar 16, 2006, 12:00 PM

Women have no respect for nice guys until they get screwed, and I mean figuratively.

A nice guy only seems easy and desperate. All I can say is to not pretend to be confident, be confident. At a young age you were able to keep a girl around for years. That means you have something that girls want, but you may not be able to sustain that at a young age.

Look for a new relationship with different feelings, because if there is one thing I have learned from these forums is that you won't find a person that makes you feel the same connection as you used to have. They will all be a little different, but better and worse at the same time.

Wildcat21 · Mar 16, 2006, 12:05 PM

"Women have no respect for nice guys until they get screwed" - yes, absolutely. Especially girls 25 and younger... those are the bad girl stages.

But, it's really a not 'nice guy' - it's a good guy, confident guy, independent guy, busy guy, hard working guy, guy who takes care of himself guy, guy who will be romantic on occasion guy, guy who will NEVER put up with her sh-- AND put her in her place when necessary.

prosty · Sep 11, 2006, 03:58 AM

I was seeing this girl for three years when she broke up the r/ship. We've not seen each other or spoken for about five months now. I don't even know whether we're still friends. Her birthday is a few days away and I'm comtemplating sending her a birthday message on her phone (no cards, presents and phone call) just SMS. Do you agree I should send her an SMS?

valinors_sorrow · Sep 11, 2006, 05:22 AM

I don't think it is wise. For starters, at least do it in person or on the phone so you can gauge the effect. If I were her, the birthday message would hit me as out of the blue, a possible invitiation to start something up and I wouldn't appreciate it being a hit and run that I must be politely receptive to whether I like it or not because gee, who doesn't like being wished happy birthday? Some ex's don't turn into friends. With five months of no contact, if you insist on contacting her, it needs to be far more casual than that so you can make a graceful exit, just in case the reception is bad. Don't risk pressuring her on her birthday.

Wildcat21 · Sep 11, 2006, 12:19 PM

Yeah - give her a call. KEEP IT SHORT.

kp2171 · Sep 11, 2006, 12:40 PM

Do what you want. Expect nothing in return. It might work out that there is a friendship somewhere down the line. I don't know about what caused the breakup... maybe, maybe not.

My daughter (20) broke up with a great guy to date a complete jerk. She later did something like you're thinking... just wished a happy birthday, text or something like that. They later started talking again and are now friends.

But it completely depends on the situation. If she laid it out that she never wanted to hear from you, repect that. If it was just more things didn't work out, but she wasn't mean about it, AND you expect nothing in return, sure... the courtesy of a message might bridge a gap.

September06 · Sep 11, 2006, 01:10 PM

Don't call just SMS. If she writes back something more than a 'thank you'.. then u'll know what to do :-)

Skell · Sep 11, 2006, 04:33 PM

Perhaps a SMS can be a little less intrusive than a call but I think if you really feel the need just a quick call.. After all tyou were with her 3 years. Being able to talk to her should not be an issue. I mean as far as you know how to talk to her. She isn't a completely new person. Show you're a man and call. You don't hold a grudge and are willing to be amicable now things have settled down.

If she doesn't answer then leave it at that. Don't keep calling. That's it. You tried and no response.

I have to question your motive here's though. Are you just trying to be nice or do you want her back?

If you want her back then be aware that you may not get the answers you are looking for!

September06 · Sep 11, 2006, 05:16 PM

What is being a man? I'm a woman and in that case I wouldn't want an ex calling me months later wishing me a happy birthday if it wasn't for differ reason than just to saying 'happy birthday'.

If there are feelings still there, then you need to let her know whether she wants to hear it or not. What's the worse that can happen.

mysticque · Sep 11, 2006, 05:32 PM

I believe in friendship. But if the relationship ended in somewhat unnatural way which both of you know that you and her will never meet again. PERIOD that is your answer. If you still hanging on to her all this time then you might have a problem. I'm sure she's ready to dial 911 next time you come up to her. I'm just kidding. Honestly it's not good from a woman's perspective. Whatever happens on the last day I'm sure you would have figured that out by now.