[AD2012]

Wow... Yeah... I guess that seems to be pretty accurate in many ways. Thanks for the insight!

[kp2171]

You may have found his level of sexual proclivity and YOU are the one who has a decision to make. Is this enough, or not?

There can be a lot of truth in this... that the "chase" overrides the base level of sexual interest that might exist when the shine wears off.

But I also know if the guy has emotional baggage from past relationships, this can be an issue that is "masking" his real level of interest as well. Studies have shown that young men often respond well to counseling when there are intimacy issues tied to mental blocks.

I completely agree you can expect to "fix" him into something he isn't... but it also might enable him to be the person he is, sans emotional baggage.

[Handyman2007]

Are you ever the aggressor? Some men prefer the woman to be somewhat aggressive. It strokes their ego. (no pun intended)

[talaniman]

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/search...archid=2745162, The whole story

[Curlyben]

>Bunch of threads merged<
Please stick to one for better advice as the whole picture is easy to follow.

[talaniman]

You have a number of problems here as I see it. The most glaring one is you've only know each other for a year, and have not had the time to learn to develop the level of communications to sustain a healthy, caring, relationship.
The physical fire and intensity has gone down because you are still learning, and finding out the little things you need to know about each other. I think the sex early on, blinded you both, and you take that as part of an intense love.
The challenge and spark of the unknown is gone, and with it went the willingness to communicate, and work together to resolve your issues.
His selfishness is showing badly, as is his laziness.
Your going along with it, makes it worse, and breeds resentment in you, and I think it was there with him already. You see his ill timed efforts, as a bad thing, and not sincere, which leads to more resentments.
He has issues from his past, that are coming to light, and of course you don't want to hear that. More resentments, from you both.
My advice is stop worrying about the sex, and work on the two of you coming to an agreement, to learn each other better, and a pact to work together. A year is not a lot of time together, no matter how intense the feelings are, and as you've seen, the personal, honest, communications is lousy, and that is at the heart of your problems, and the quality, and quantity of the sex is only a symptom of an incomplete relationship. A counselor can guide you through the process of learning to talk, and listen to each other, without which, this relationship is doomed. Good Luck.

[AD2012]

Thanks! That was very helpful!

[Chery]

Wow, after reading all of the different 'complaints' - yes, complaints - I fail to see what exactly (or who exactly) came up with the 'intention' of marriage.

- started the amazing sex... Question - amazing the first night, a few nights in a row after meeting each other? OK, so you both tested the water there, but did you even bother to communicate without swapping bodyfluids?

- dwindled to once in a blue moon.. Question - Did you start conversing and sharing history? - You seem to know a lot about his past, so he must have talked to you... did you talk to him too or just listen and 'evaluate'?

- he likes doggy style and you don't.. Question - Who is mostly in control of the time and place? What are the hours leading up to the time in the bedroom like?

Do you two share humor, laughter, fun, music, good food, entertainment? Or, just his physical condition, emotional past and the medications you 'agreed' that he should or should not be taking for his short-comings.

I can't help but feel that in the beginning he was not as introverted as he is now, and that tells me that he just might be running away from something in this relationship right now. He is backing off either because he does not feel you are understanding enough or he feels over-powered by you. Either way, I think a ''go back to square one card'' is in order here and that you two should take a better look at what the future would bring if you kept traveling on the same road at this speed with this attitude of your's.

I know this is not what you'd like to hear, but you are chasing him away and not asking yourself how or why. Your strong personality is suffocating him - and if you want to help him, you should sit back and let him take the lead now and then before his scrotum shrinks altogether.

Please don't take offense in what I just said, it's just that not all men can handle women with such a strong and dominating nature as you have - they feel threatened and that's not healthy for either of you in this relationship.

Nevertheless, I wish you lots of luck in working this out for the benefit of both of you.



Some men fear strength in woman, but are easy to mold into wonderful strong beings as long as they don't know we are doing the molding...

[kp2171]

Hmmm... outside of her asking him not to talk about his ex-gf's, I get a completely different read. *edited... didn't catch the meds issue first time through... can't tell if she's supporting him or pushing it*

But if wanting to be kissed, wanting sex on a more regular basis than not, wanting to enjoy it in positions that are pleasing, wanting to have an orgasm... if these are all suffocating then I would have been dead a long time ago. My wife would say all of these are a part of a balanced sex life, as would I.

When did talking to a partner, who has become a lazy lover after the chase is over, about sexual needs become the domain of the dominating?

I know there are all kinds of different people out there, and different ways to approach a problem... but I sure don't blame her for wanting those things.

"shut up and wait for the other person to read your mind" just doesn't do it for me. Not in the bedroom. Not in a relationship. Certainly not in a marriage.

But maybe that's just me.

[AD2012]

It's not that we don't communicate - we do. And yes, we share all kinds of things - not just sex - together (I mean come on - really!). We are completely in love and this is the most compatible and healthiest relationship I've ever had, and he says the same. I know it sounds like I'm doing a lot of complaining but it's a small facet of our relationship. The whole picture is much bigger. I've had many talks with him... I've tried initiating it... Everything I could think of to do, I've done - and in the healthiest way possible. I know I'm getting a lot of flack probably because this post has been moved to the topic of 'relationships' when I originally posted it in 'adult sexuality' and there isn't much mention about other aspects of our relationship, granted. But you can't just assume I'm some kind of dominating sex-crazed maniac... He just avoids me like the plague when in comes to sexual intimacy and I really really just don't know why.

[Chery]

Kp..
I wholeheartedly agree with you.

If a woman can't expect to be kissed, caressed and loved.. then there is something wrong with the lover.

If he can't or won't even enjoy a walk down the street without freaking out and wanting to hide, or does not show pride or respect being around her in public, then he's a wuss.

If he just thinks about his own gratification and claims to have emotional issues or finds blame elsewhere, he's not concerned about his current partner.

So.. what went wrong?

He is currently either self-righteous, cold and uncaring and wants out.. or scared and wants out. Whatever the reason, which we don't know, it is not beneficial to her at all. She is unhappy, but also an independent woman with self-respect. So why should she even want to be with someone not in her league.

I still maintain that there are such men who do feel threatened by a woman who knows what she wants, but there are also men out there who would be proud to know and love an independent woman like her. So, IMO, she is just wasting her time with the wrong one. She deserves better and it's good she found out before getting married to him.

[AD2012]

*edited... didnt catch the meds issue first time through... can't tell if shes supporting him or pushing it*

I said somewhere along the lines (boy, this is getting confusing!) that my boyfriend has social anxiety disorder. He is undiagnosed but it's plainly obvious. We both have the same views on pharmaceuticals (compatibility is a good thing!) and agree that that probably isn't the best course of action for him. I don't make his decisions for him... I support him. I am of the mindset that if there is some sort of underlying psychological disorder or problem of sorts, that it can be worked on the good old fashioned way... with love, understanding, and the whole-hearted intention to change things. I'd like to try and get to the root of the problem though...

[Chery]

It's not that we don't communicate - we do. And yes, we share all kinds of things - not just sex - together (I mean come on - really!). We are completely in love and this is the most compatible and healthiest relationship I've ever had, and he says the same. I know it sounds like I'm doing a lot of complaining but it's a small facet of our relationship. The whole picture is much bigger. I've had many talks with him... I've tried initiating it... Everything I could think of to do, I've done - and in the healthiest way possible. I know I'm getting a lot of flack probably because this post has been moved to the topic of 'relationships' when I originally posted it in 'adult sexuality' and there isn't much mention about other aspects of our relationship, granted. But you can't just assume I'm some kind of dominating sex-crazed maniac... He just avoids me like the plague when in comes to sexual intimacy and I really really just don't know why.

Please don't think that I meant that! Maybe my use of the word dominant was misplaced here - but I certainly did not intend it in that way. All the time and work you invested in this relationship deserves a great big pat on the back.. but I just think he does not appreciate it at all. He might even need professional help to get that wall he's built around him to flake away brick by brick. My perception might be wrong here, but you do feel that there is something seriously amiss and the more 'views' you receive, the better chance you'll have of making your choice to either continue to try and work things out, or seeing if he is really worth all your love and effort, especially if it is one-sided.

Honestly, my motives are to help, not hinder.. and I do wish you all the best, no matter what your choice is.

Do you want to be his mother, friend, or lover? He needs to be straight with you on this issue too.

[kp2171]

...So.. what went wrong?

He is currently either self-righteous, cold and uncaring and wants out.. or scared and wants out. Whatever the reason, which we don't know, it is not beneficial to her at all. She is unhappy, but also an independent woman with self-respect. So why should she even want to be with someone not in her league.

I still maintain that there are such men who do feel threatened by a woman who knows what she wants, but there are also men out there who would be proud to know and love an independent woman like her. So, IMO, she is just wasting her time with the wrong one. She deserves better and it's good she found out before getting married to him.

I must have read your post from the wrong angle. We seem to agree more than not on this one. The wife's been gone for the week. I'm punchy.

It would be good to understand more about his past gf's. She doesn't want him talking about it... fine... but what happened? Did he do this before? Did they turn on him?

Its not an uncommon theme for a person to write in saying my partner was "this way" when we first dated and now is "this other way"... the chase being one of many elements that can mask who the people really are when everything settles into its "normal" state... so maybe its just the shine is off...

But the issues concerning anxiety could lead you to believe that solving issues, when they come up, could be tough if he is willing to listen, but not act.

Babbling here... were she my sister asking me for advice, id tell her not to marry a guy who fails so early in the relationship to address real needs of intimacy and sensuality... just a recipe for feeling trapped and neglected in the long run.

I don't shy from saying do the hard work to make a serious relationship last... but one person cannot save a relationship. And intimate concerns that don't get solved are real, big, haunting problems.

[AD2012]

if you keep starting new threads its going to get very confusing... nobody is going to understand the entire picture... so if you really want help, pick a forum and run with the thread, talking in detail about all thats going on...

for ex, the social issue and the meds can play into the lack of sex... if you just give bits here and there, it just doesnt help your cause.

for later viewers of this post, here are other related threads...

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/mental...ip-211380.html

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/adult-...ng-210861.html

... yeah... sorry about that. I am new to this whole thing and my mis-understanding that the experts were more or less bound to the topics in their area of expertise. I thought I'd just try to get as many different takes on the subject as possible and put 2 + 2 together. My bad.

[AD2012]

My perception might be wrong here, but you do feel that there is something seriously amiss and the more 'views' you receive, the better chance you'll have of making your choice to either continue to try and work things out, or seeing if he is really worth all your love and effort, especially if it is one-sided.

BINGO.. . and thanks :)

[Lithean]

Next time you see him, seduce him. Sexy little outfit kiss him on the neck, grab his package. If he doesn't respond. Run. Its over

Ill make it easy.
ALL MEN have only 3 emotional responses

HUNGRY
SLEEPY
HORNY

If were not one were the other and were always one.

So take a nap with him, feed him, then have fun

[AD2012]

LOL. I nap with him on the couch in his arms, we eat gourmet home-cooked meals together... but trust me - he doesn't respond to seduction.

I'm wondering if maybe he wants to be the one to feel empowered and my efforts take that away from him??

[talaniman]

that my boyfriend has social anxiety disorder. He is undiagnosed but it's plainly obvious. We both have the same views on pharmaceuticals (compatibility is a good thing!) and agree that that probably isn't the best course of action for him. I don't make his decisions for him...

You may need professional guidance, to get to the roots of the problem.

[Chery]

I'm sure that no woman wants to be the analyst when she is looking for a serious relationship. But, maybe, just maybe, if you'd had listened when he wanted to vent about his ex partners, you would have found out his real intentions. Maybe he fires all of his 'fireworks' in the beginning of a relationship to lure a girl and then winds up just wanting the good conversations, food, comfort, etc. without having to 'perform' anymore after that initial 'contact'. In that case, he has a problem with sexuality that only a professional can help him with.

Like I said before, this is your choice. You can try and help him get this professional help - if he is willing to cooperate and change. This will take more time and effort on your part with no guarantee of the outcome. You could also just console yourself with the fact that friendship with 'benefits' now and then is 'enough' for you in this relationship. It all depends on what you want out of this and if you have the stamina.

Please just don't forget yourself and your happiness along the way.


With his profile, it would not even surprise me if he could make a career out of being a call-boy and then coming home to your 'safe harbor'.