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Homegirl 50 · Mar 17, 2008, 05:52 AM

Girl, this guy is using you as back up. As old as he is, he knows what he is doing. He is not some teenager. He sees you as easy otherwise he would not be doing this "let's be friends" stuff with you.
You need to tell him "Thanks but no Thanks" and mean it.

talaniman · Mar 17, 2008, 06:36 AM

Personally, unless this guy is deceitful and tells you lies, I think he should be free to date, and befriend any one he wants. You must understand your own feelings, and deal with people for what they are. Your single, and so is he, and having fun on your own terms, is what life is about, as we never know how we may feel later. I would advise you to be less available, and more balanced, as your free as he is, to date whom you want, and have fun, without commitment. We all get carried away when we meet someone with potential, that we are attracted to, and assume that its time to be exclusive, and that's not so. Get to know someone, before it gets to that exclusive stage, and then you can talk about it. Dating is for having fun getting to know someone, not a plan for a longterm relationship. Just go slow and enjoy, without the high expectations, and stay balanced in your own life, by not making him the whole enchilada, as saving the commitments for much later, can ensure you are enjoying the experience to the fullest without compromising yourself. No sex, until your sure, as many mistake the physical, for true love, and skip the know each other better, as sex complicates our feelings to the max, and makes us rush into things we may not be ready for, and blinds us to things we need to see, in a realistic way. Have fun and enjoy without the complications of assumptions, and unrealistic expectations. He sounds honest from what you've written. Be the same to him, but let him chase you little. What's the hurry, there is a lot of living to do.

kaitou · Mar 17, 2008, 06:59 AM

Stop wondering if he might like you or if he might be interested in you. Actions speak louder than word, he clearly isn't interested anymore. On top of that he told you he wants to be friends.

Boy don't think, they just do! So if he really like you or is interested in you, he'll let you know. And if your case, he clearly told you he's not interested already. Stop wasting time!

Homegirl 50 · Mar 17, 2008, 07:22 AM

Stay out of his bed until you know what's up. This is the mistake a lot of women make. They enter into a sexual relationship and assume this means something to the guy. He has told you he wants friendship but still does the sexual innuendo thing. This should tell you something.

Toluca_86 · Mar 17, 2008, 09:38 AM

talaniman,

I like your advice. I have more the perspective you do on things, about dating I guess. Maybe because the dating I was doing was in a liberal urban environment. How exactly would you advise me to act to be less available and to "let him chase me" though? I tried going on a date with one boy, but that didn't lead to anything else. I'll try dating other people, given the opportunity. It's more the "let him chase me" part I don't quite understand...

confused25 · Mar 17, 2008, 10:01 AM

I don't think the issue here is dating. I'm all for dating multiple people as long as your up front about it (I'm a very liberal individual). However what you need to take into account is that he chose her over you and you are still pining for him. There is nothing wrong with that and his decision doesn't make him a bad person. It's all a part of dating.

The bigger problem is that you are trying to find away to get him to come back (correct me if I'm wrong). You just can't do that, especially when he said all he wanted was to be friends. Sure you can play all the games you want, be less available, let him chase you, but if it doesn't work and your agenda was to try to get him back than you will be in for a lot of hurt.

Staying in contact with him isn't necessarily a bad thing, as long as your motivation to do so is not to get back with him. Be honest with yourself. Why do you want to continue contact and a friendship? If the answer is to win him back than it's best to forget and move on.

Homegirl 50 · Mar 17, 2008, 10:11 AM

He has already told you "What's Up" He wants to be friends with the possibility of a little "somethin-somethin" on the side. If you don't mind being used that way, go for it. Otherwise leave him alone.

Toluca_86 · Mar 17, 2008, 10:22 AM

Originally Posted by confused25

The bigger problem is that you are trying to find away to get him to come back (correct me if I'm wrong).

Well okay, I think one thing that is tripping me up, admittedly, is that after he spent the night at my house he had acted like he wanted to keep seeing me and was still acting like he was looking forward to seeing me a few days later, and then quite suddenly this other woman popped up. So it sort of felt like a lack of closure, and it sort of made me wonder whether things I did (being somewhat less affectionate than he was, refusing to set dates much ahead of time with him, being late to dates, obviously being interested in physical stuff, etc.) helped him make the decision that our thing didn't have potential beyond a little casual fun.

And yeah, I do still like him. At the same time, I'm not entirely sure I want to date him. I sort of want to think he likes-likes me at least somewhat, but that is more of an ego thing than anything else I guess. What I want more than anything is a straight-up answer about what was going on in his head, whether he just flat-out used me knowing he was never into me in a real way or whether it was more complicated... I just don't know how to get that without coming across as insecure or something, and further hindering the chance of a friendship (or something else).

talaniman · Mar 17, 2008, 10:56 AM

I understand your confusion, but those answers you want, may never come, and only complicate, and confuse things, as he may not know either. By being less available , I merely meant don't always be there for him, whether for conversation or phone calls , and not to play a game, but to keep your own perspective, about the importance of him in your life. Men are easy, don't listen to the words, watch the actions. And go slow. At this time, he may well have other interests. So do you, so the point would be, to keep living your life, whether he is a part or not, and be realistic about your whole approach, as many say follow your heart, and that's crap to me, as listen to your heart, but use common sense also. You can't force someone to like you, but you can have fun with them, if you keep the proper perspective, and don't lose yourself in the fantasy, or feelings.

Toluca_86 · Mar 17, 2008, 08:14 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

You can't force someone to like you, but you can have fun with them, if you keep the proper perspective, and don't lose yourself in the fantasy, or feelings.

Sure. Yeah. Agreed. And when I'm back in his city where I don't have all that many friends, it'd be nice to have /someone/ to go out and shoot the sh** w/. I still wonder if there might be a more appropriate time and place to talk to him about this more directly though... I'd sort of hate to go hanging out w/ him while having my feelings be like the elephant in the corner... and then sooner or later say "you know what, I just can't do this anymore" and have it be coming like out of nowhere. That doesn't make me feel very mature... I don't know though. He acts like he wants to be friends like, maybe a little more than I do at this point... not sure if true, not sure what to do about that if so.

confused25 · Mar 21, 2008, 12:36 PM

Hey Toluca, I just wanted to know if things are going well.

Toluca_86 · Mar 21, 2008, 07:49 PM

Well, they're fine. Not like anything remarkable has happened/changed since I wrote the OP.

confused25 · Mar 22, 2008, 12:09 PM

What about the rest of your life? Are you doing anything exciting? Or are you busy with work or school? Come on, I'm sure a girl like you doesn' have much time to relax because your having a hard time keeping the guys away! ;)

ChihuahuaMomma · Mar 22, 2008, 12:33 PM

Live for yourself, not someone else... If you live for someone else, once that person is gone, you have nothing but yourself. What's new with school? Work? Family? Friends? Hobbies?

Toluca_86 · Mar 22, 2008, 06:35 PM

Originally Posted by confused25

What about the rest of your life? Are you doing anything exciting? Or are you busy with work or school? Come on, I'm sure a girl like you doesn' have much time to relax because your having a hard time keeping the guys away! ;)

Huh? Where'd you get an idea like that? I mean, I'm fairly cute I guess... but I feel like I have a pretty hard time meeting people unless I'm frequenting the club scene, which I sure don't do when I'm in school. I sure don't feel like guys are ever competing over me or anything... all the questions I've asked on this site have been basically about the same situation.

But yeah, I'm pretty busy with school... and a little fun now and then too, of course.

confused25 · Mar 22, 2008, 07:26 PM

Come on! I can tell from your posts that you are a smart, knowledge-seeking, and confident individual. On top of that you say your cute! Geez, how can you not have guys falling all over you?

If you want to meet people the clubs and bars aren't bad, but I would instead suggest joining an organization that centers around something you enjoy. You could also try picking up a new hobby, start going to the gym, take a fun class. There are plenty of ways to meet people if you just put that little extra effort.

ChihuahuaMomma · Mar 22, 2008, 10:31 PM

I would disagree with meeting people at bars and clubs. Most of the men there that are seeking a woman's attention are seeking to get into your pants. Don't get me wrong, I'm not say ALL are. But there are much better places to meet men. I would have to agree with the joining an organization idea. And meeting people at the gym is a great idea.

Toluca_86 · Mar 22, 2008, 11:19 PM

Originally Posted by ChihuahuaMomma

I would disagree with meeting people at bars and clubs. Most of the men there that are seeking a woman's attention are seeking to get into your pants. Don't get me wrong, I'm not say ALL are. But there are much better places to meet men. I would have to agree with the joining an organization idea. And meeting people at the gym is a great idea.

I know. That's what I meant, actually. Just based on people's reactions/interactions with me, I feel like I am good-looking enough to attract plenty of guys at locations where guys are looking primarily for casual hookups, but I don't really get all that much attention in contexts where people would have to seriously invest themselves in me. I am one of those girls that gets complimented by other girls (and old people) significantly more than I get complimented by guys my age. IMO I have a nice body, okay face. Overall what some people would call a slightly "masculine" look (which has been my theory as to the different reactions of girls vs. guys). Probably what I get most often is "cute". I don't know most of people's thoughts about me, of course, only what they voice...

Anyway, I realize that's all just physical stuff. I'm not saying that's all that matters, but it /does/ matter a lot, especially to 20 yr-olds. And trust me, I don't have to fight off guys. I really have no guys in my life in any substantial way right now. My best guy friend from hs who lives several states away is attracted to me (I don't want him in that way, however). There's this guy I was writing about in this post. Then there's a cute guy who asked me on a date recently and for some reason (I think it might be because we had next to nothing in common) that was the last one. I feel like I meet about 1 or 2 guys a year who I am signficantly attracted to, who actually returns the interest in some sort of a basic way (usually we just wind up making out). Most of the guys I'm interested in don't seem to want much of anything to do with me (and yes, I can be sort of obvious about it, or at least I used to be); of course, I tend to be interested in cute guys, the type plenty of other girls like too.

I mean, I think every guy I ever dated who I actually liked was someone /I/ asked out initially, and none of them ever went anywhere anyway... Then again, I am not the most social person in the world -I'm outgoing in social situations, but I don't spend lots of time socializing -so there's no way of knowing how much that accounts for my lack of action.

To give you some general idea of what I mean by being attracted to cute guys though, the guy I wrote about in this thread had a body that was too skinny IMO, but a face that closely resembled a certain male movie star who is very popular with women. He was not the most attractive guy I've ever been into -somewhere in the middle of the scale.

confused25 · Mar 23, 2008, 11:45 AM

I'm actually kind of similar in that I only meet 1 or 2 girls a year that I bother investing some time towards a possible relationship. My problem however is that I'm a very picky individual when it comes to getting into a relationship. Oh well.

Anyway, I think you are taking looks into consideration a little too much. I absolutely agree that there needs to be a physical attraction between both individuals for a relationship to spark, but it almost sounds like you are giving it too much emphasis. There are a lot of people in their early 20's who don't consider looks to be the most important thing.

For example, I'm 22 years old and when I first met my now ex-girlfriend a lot of my friends were like "Wow, she's hot." However, I personally wasn't that attracted and I told my buddies "Eh, she's alright" (she was cute, but nothing special). But then I got to know her and the more time I spent talking to her about things we had in common I found myself falling head over heels for her (this was when I started thinking "Wow, she's hot"). Eventually she won me over and we got into a relationship. It was great... until it ended lol. Very bad break-up but that's another story.

Anyway, if you see a cute guy then try to get to know him, you might win him over. If not, then oh well move on to the next person. On the flip-side, if a guy who's just "alright" looking tries to talk to you, don't be too quick to brush him aside. He might surprise you. Most importantly, just have fun. The right person will come along when you're not worrying about these little things.

Toluca_86 · Mar 23, 2008, 12:08 PM

Yeah, I mean I definitely don't just blow off guys I'm not immediately very attracted to. I'm just one of the few people I know who has /never/ experienced falling for someone I wasn't immediately attracted to...

But eh, maybe someday that will change...

One thing that makes me a bit scared-ish, is that my first relationship (well, more like non-relationship) was with someone I wasn't that physically attracted to, but whose personality I liked... to make a long story short, he was frustrated with the lack of action beyond just kissing, I tried to force myself into being more physical with him, and I wound up just feeling really queasy about the whole thing. It was pretty bad for both of us, I think... And probably made me a lot more wary of relationships in general...

So I really, really don't want to repeat a situation like that...