[talon2006]

Hey,

Story is I have started a relationship with a girl who i think is great and i want to make a go of things....The trouble i am having is adjusting to things. All the time in my past relationships I hvae been suspicious of my other half cheating on me and looking at other guys and wishing they were with them instead......In my first relationship I was cheated on and lied to constantly and this created a lot of anger and jealousy in me. I also have people say i am not great looking etc which maked me think that anyone i am with will want better than me.

Anyway.....I was at a party with my new girlfriend and her friends and her as welll have said she really likes me and i have treated her better than anyone she has been with.....The problem i have is that if we walk in2 a room or public place i worry that there will be a "better looking guy" than me....I know it may sound sad and my self esteem is a major factor.

When at the house party i was in the kitchen talking to her friend, after sometime i realised i hadnt spoke to her in a while i wgot worried in case she was talking to a guy who i seen as a threat.....My suspicions were true as i walked into the room and the door was closed over and they were sitting next to each other talking. This was the first nite she met him......later on they were in another room together but this time other people were sitting around them.................I am the type of person who reads in2 things too much and always have to make sure i am not gettin made a fool of as i am so,so frightened of being hurt.

Believe me this girl is really nice but i can't help but wonder.....was she flirting with him ,was she attracted to him or was it just an innocent conversation.....Should i trust her, she has been hurt b4 also.


Sorry for the long post but i really do wonder if i am struggling with a high level of paranoia.....I even get a fear of catchin a disease and other things that could upset me. I imagine things that culd happen that could hurt me and i feel upset.....AM I GOING CRAZY?????


PLEASE TALK TO ME AS I FEEL BETTER FOR GETTING THIS OFF MY CHEST

THANKS

In the past I have been the same way.. Be honest and talk about how you feel.

My immediate response would be if she was in a different room with another guy the first day you met , she owes you nothing. If however she was in a relationship with you then that is a whole other issues.

[ScottJJ]

In the past I have been the same way.. Be honest and talk about how you feel.

My immediate response would be if she was in a different room with another guy the first day you met , she owes you nothing. If however she was in a relationship with you then that is a whole other issues.

He was in a relationship and is still with her... what your saying sounds like you feel he should be jealous due to his girlfriend sitting in a room chatting to another guy alone?? Or she is up to something

[ISneezeFunny]

I do feel a bit hesitant about her being in a room with some guy talking behind closed doors... and then with him again later that night. If this happened the entire party, I'd feel a bit weird about it. If this happened for about 10 minutes, don't sweat it.

As far as your looks... forget about it. The girl's with you for a reason. Sometimes, good looking guys worry that the girl's with them just for looks... it's a lose-lose situation either way.

I know this may seem like a ridiculous thing to say, but really... jealousy gets you nowhere. I was like you... I was burned twice (now 3) and I was that jealous guy... I used to not like it when my girlfriend went out to a club with her girlfriends because I was jealous of the guys that would be there. Now... currently single (my last ex left me for another guy... 3rd time's the charm) and for some reason, after getting over the breakup... I feel... confident. I don't feel so jealous anymore. I've adopted this nonchalant way of looking at things.

Try to spend a little bit of time doing things you enjoy doing... perhaps exercising a little bit... these things may increase yourself esteem. Don't get so hung up on the thought "what if she leaves me?"

[Tyne26]

I do feel a bit hesitant about her being in a room with some guy talking behind closed doors...and then with him again later that night. If this happened the entire party, I'd feel a bit weird about it. If this happened for about 10 minutes, don't sweat it.

As far as your looks...forget about it. The girl's with you for a reason. Sometimes, good looking guys worry that the girl's with them just for looks...it's a lose-lose situation either way.

I know this may seem like a ridiculous thing to say, but really...jealousy gets you nowhere. I was like you...I was burned twice (now 3) and I was that jealous guy...I used to not like it when my girlfriend went out to a club with her girlfriends because I was jealous of the guys that would be there. Now...currently single (my last ex left me for another guy...3rd time's the charm) and for some reason, after getting over the breakup...I feel...confident. I don't feel so jealous anymore. I've adopted this nonchalant way of looking at things.

try to spend a little bit of time doing things you enjoy doing...perhaps exercising a little bit...these things may increase your self esteem. don't get so hung up on the thought "what if she leaves me?"

Well what happened was I was in the kitchen tallking to one of her friends and then every1appeared in the kitchen. I then noticed after 10-15 minutes she and this other guy weren't there I walked into the hallway and saw the living room door not closed tight but shut over and my stomach turned... I walked in and they were sitting next to each other talking. This was the first night they had met... I then later wlaked passed the bedroom and they were sitting together but there wer other people sitting next to them talking as well... Im sure althoug I was kind of drunk I then saw him asking her to come with him i.e. into another room but I'm not 100% sure, she walked over in his direction but sat down in a seat in the same room as ME... Im going to have to say to to her tomorrow but I don't want to make her feel that she can't talk to guys on a night out cuse then that just destroys the freedom between on another and she will feel she is with a jealous boyfriend and walking on eggshells.

[ScottJJ]

People seem to be giving Tyne conflicting answers here... He has said she Wasn't in a room with this guy the entire party... I have been in this situation myself and know where Tyne is coming from as I get really jealous and myself esteem is low too... is she wrong with sitting next to a guy talking?? i.e. 15,20,25 minutes... could it be there were in the living room with other people who then walked out and they shut closed the door over... ie Tyne didn't see what happened before they were "left" alone...

What does everyone think??

[Tyne26]

People seem to be giving Tyne conflicting answers here.....He has said she WASNT in a room with this guy the entire party...........I have been in this situation myself and know where Tyne is coming from as i get really jealous and my self esteem is low too......is she wrong with sitting next to a guy talking????? ie 15,20,25 mins.....could it be there were in the living room with other people who then walked out and they shut closed the door over......ie Tyne didnt see what happened before they were "left" alone.........

What does every1 think??????

I really am confused here I don't want to mess up what could be a good thing with this girl but I can't get out my head what her intentions and thought were about sitting alone in a room with this guy... for all I now people could have left the room and they were left alone through no fault of her own.

But what if she liked him or something went on with that door closed... How do I find out the truth and be sure she was more interested in this other guy

Please help me this is upsetting me too much

[talaniman]

This might be just me, but it's a exercise in futility, trying to track someone's every move and attaching motives to them. Even worse when drinking. Most of the problem, is you over thinking everything, and assuming the worse. The last thing you should do is project your own insecurity, on another. Then they become as paranoid, as you are. Dude, if you want a healthy relationship, better get a handle on your own issues, as they will destroy any chance at happiness you have. That's where your headed with this, as who can enjoy themselves with those thoughts running through your head?

[Tyne26]

This might be just me, but its a exercise in futility, trying to track someones every move and attaching motives to them. Even worse when drinking. Most of the problem, is you over thinking everything, and assuming the worse. The last thing you should do is project your own insecurity, on another. Then they become as paranoid, as you are. Dude, if you want a healthy relationship, better get a handle on your own issues, as they will destroy any chance at happiness you have. Thats where your headed with this, as who can enjoy themselves with those thoughts running thru your head??

Tal thanks for the reply... What has confused me is "Talon2006" & "Isneezefunny" comments... it seems they think I have a point and I should be annoyed with her sitting next to another guy in a room... im seeing her tonight but as you have said before I don't want to risk that I could push her away or make he change her opinion of me then it will be doomed... IS THERE ANYTHING WRONG WITH HER Sitting IN A ROOM AND TALKING TO A GUY SHE Doesn't KNOW INSTEAD OF STANDING WITH ME??

[talaniman]

No, and if you need everyone to see she is your arm candy, that is a problem, as it was a friggin party. Instead of making it a big deal, pay more attention, to what she says and does, and express yourself in a non-threatening way, and stop assuming. "Hey I think that guy at the party likes you, can't blame him either" as opposed to " what were you, and him talking about all night"? See the difference. If you were so insecure, why didn't you bring her a drink, or snack, and sat with her, Introduce yourself, name only, and see for yourself what the deal is? Assuming facts not in evidence, draws a faulty conclusion, and makes you insecure. Work on those coping skills.

[talaniman]

Not trying to be harsh, just straight, but the way I deal with undo attention, to my date, is by joining there conversation, in a very non confrontational way, and showing she is with me, hence bringing her a drink. Be real, what would, you do if your at a party, and a pretty female, you don't know, is sitting ALONE, no man in sight??

[Tyne26]

Not trying to be harsh, just straight, but the way I deal with undo attention, to my date, is by joining there convo, in a very non confrontational way, and showing she is with me, hence bringing her a drink. Be real, what would, you do if your at a party, and a pretty female, you don't know, is sitting ALONE, no man in sight???

Tal,

Im not bothered if the guy was cracking on I'm just worried she was intersted in him and wanted the attention from him...

Im just worried why SHE CHOSE to spend time with him instead of me i.e. she felt something for him??

I feel as if he may have been cracking on but she encouraged it as she was sitting with him on two occasion through the night one of which alone in a room which I'm unsure if people had left and they were sitting alone which would be fair enough

[talaniman]

I can see the things you don't know about females, is driving you nuts. Let me ask you a question. Given what you know, you were there, what should you do about it now?? I have a lot more, but I need your answer first.

[talaniman]

walk up to the girl, say, "Hey babe, brought you something to drink" then introduce yourself to the guy.

Sneeze, Couldn't give your greenie, the greenie it deserves. Great way to go about it.

[Tyne26]

I can see the things you don't know about females, is driving you nuts. Let me ask you a question. Given what you know, you were there, what should you do about it now?? I have a lot more, but I need your answer first.

Tal,

I feel if I had more self esteem this wouldn't bother me or if I seen this guy as no pyhsical threat I would not bother... In relation to your question I feel I should talk to her about it and say I was feeling a little insecure with what happened,I can't do anything about it now


Is this what you would suggest?

[drnidz]

Well the feelings you have can be better labeled as getting insecure but why you are , I mean you love her and she loves you , looks does not matter in love , and you keep on thinking about your appearance , well don't underestimate yourself , sometimes negative self image can create such problems as you are going through , have confidence in you and try to see the positive in all situations, be realistic if you were not good then how you have so many girlfriends :)be positive

[Tyne26]

Sneeze, Couldn't give your greenie, the greenie it deserves. Great way to go about it.

Well we had a chat and it semmed to be going OK she seemed to be honest about everything... we were talking and she seemd awkward about something... after me demanding she tell me she did admit that she kissed naother guy at a new year party... we were seeing each other but not officially going out I am so hurt... it was mad eout to me by her friend and her that hse really liked me yet she kissed another guy... why do this if she really liked me?? I know we weren't going out but I feel I have been betrayed

[talaniman]

Expecting loyalty, and not even dating is plain crazy, and over the top. Kissing at a New years party, is what people do. So what do you do to deal with your personal issues, as they effect not only the way you see things, but the way you deal with what you THINK you see. If you don't start coping with yourself better, the hope of a healthy happy relationship, is very small. Give yourself a chance,partner, and get some counseling if you need it, because trust me, nobody will put up with that crap for long. You seem to attract these females, that's a plus, but keeping them, I don't know.

[ISneezeFunny]

Can't give tal a greenie.

If you two weren't exclusive, anything's fair game. Is it tactful.. not really, but isn't that the whole idea of "dating"?

To describe it in a raw sense, dating's like trying on clothes. You pick out 3 - 4 things you want to try out, then you try them out... and then you pick the one you like the most.

You can be down about it, no doubt. I'd be down if a girl I really liked kissed another dude, but that's no reason to get mad about it and blurt it out to her. Forget what your girl did before you two were official and let it go.

[s_cianci]

I think the main "disease" you suffer from is low self esteem. "Looks" aren't nearly as important to a woman as how you make her feel. Appearance is more of a guy thing. If you are fun, loving, affectionate and sure of yourself (not arrogant) then I don't think you'll have anything to worry about.

[Tyne26]

Expecting loyalty, and not even dating is plain crazy, and over the top. Kissing at a New years party, is what people do. So what do you do to deal with your personal issues, as they effect not only the way you see things, but the way you deal with what you THINK you see. If you don't start coping with yourself better, the hope of a healthy happy relationship, is very small. Give yourself a chance,partner, and get some counseling if you need it, because trust me, nobody will put up with that crap for long. You seem to attract these females, thats a plus, but keeping them, I don't know.

We were dating, we just hadn't agreed to say we were officially in a relationship... we went on 4 or 5 dates before the New Year and I trated her so well, taking her for dinner buying her a little gift (only a teddy)... she said she really like me... if only into me then why would she even kiss this guy and not give us the chance to get to know one another more??