[George_1950]

You said on 12/28, "In short, I want her back. Can I get her? What should I do? I have a day and a half until we're supposed to meet, and I hope that if I do something right, I may rekindle those feelings for me that she'd had for so long."

Gulp: Read the two stickies at the beginning of "Relationships" and check this: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...sh-114179.html

Good luck and Happy New Year

[talaniman]

Stop playing head games with yourself. Your misery is you do this to you.

[redaphid]

Well, if you look at my earlier post, last year around this time I degenerated into a gibbering mess.

Until lately, I've been mostly OK.

I haven't talked to her in 8 months or so, and I've been good about not checking up with her online (until somewhat recently, that is). However, I'm in our home town for a few weeks over christmas break, and I just can't stop thinking about her. I've resisted contact so far, but I saw some semi-recent pictures of her recently, which is what set me off, I think. That and being in the town we spent so much time together in.

Despite my slow recovery, there hasn't been a day that I haven't though of her.

I almost texted her tonight, something like "is it crazy that I'm suddenly thinking of you?"
I managed to stop myself, but that slip-up of willpower made me realize how weak I'm getting. I'm almost positive she still has the same boyfriend as last year.

I guess what I really need is some sense beat into me. The urge to meet with her is sometimes very difficult to resist, especially after seeing that sappy benjamin button movie.

It's been so long since the relationship ended, I've stopped admitting to anyone that I still love her, or that I'm thinking about her. I'm generally a kind of tough guy, and the fact that I'm still not over her after so long is incredibly weak of me.

Ugh. I'm normally not this obsessive, but dammit, I love her, even if it's been 16 months since we broke up.

All right, so I guess my question is: "Should I act on my impulse to see/talk to her?" No, right?
So my second question is: "What can I do to get over her?" It's been at least 6 months since I've been "following the program", not talking to her or looking her up online.

It's been a year and a 4 months since we broke up.

God, I wish we could get back together.

[Scleros]

...last year around this time I degenerated into a gibbering mess.

This time of year is always the hardest. I still jones for my first every year around this time and it has been over a decade since we ended. Re-read the responses to your prior post, they still apply.

"Should I act on my impulse to see/talk to her?" No, right?

NO! Doing so will only set you back. Besides, she left you. This relationship started because you caved to her begging. Any response, if any, you do manage to get from her by begging will be like yours to her in the beginning. What made you cave? Pity? Indifference? Desperation? Seriously, she needs to be begging you.

"What can I do to get over her?"

More time is needed. It hasn't been that long. One thing I do is throw myself into work so I'm too busy to sit around thinking, and too tired to have much time to dwell on it when I go sleep.

Force yourself to date. My first date "after" was with someone I wasn't head over heels attracted to but who I figured was a reasonable bet for a "yes". Be determined to not sit around moping and feeling sorry for yourself. Unfortunately, my date was a complete and total disaster, and yet, it still helped.

Also, stop the cyber-stalking. Been there, done that, and it only results in making yourself feel worse. Just assume she got married and all hope is lost because if you continue long enough that is what you will find. You'll be mentally prepared to run into her and hubby at the local Walmart and possibly not turn into a little puddle of goo.

Lastly, ask yourself if what you think is love is actually obsession or addiction. Are you in love with HER, the gal who dumped you on your anniversary, immediately hooked back up with her ex, and then started dating another guy, or the IDEA OF HER, the gal who is absolutely crazy about you and would never do anything to hurt you because it would cause her too much pain? Anytime you're waxing nostalgic, mentally slap yourself and note the difference. Remember the bad parts...

[zeeniee]

Dear Redaphid,
Iguess you have memories floodingback as your visitingyour home town.It must be v hard butyou must remind yourself how strong you have been these months without her. YOU SURVIVED and well continue to survive. I guess it is a case as you will always love her- but just cannot be with her. I read your previous post and I am sure deep down despite how much wonderful times you had together, you must know she is not worth it- you deserve better and one day when youleast expect it- the right person will pop along, and you will be much more fulfilled with your life.
As difficult as it may be, I don't think you should contact her, instead enjoy your stay at your hometown and then perhaps go and do something different in your life- that will make you look forward - like book a weekend away to a new place you have never been, see something of this world and so you can feel how wonderful the world can be.
I can only imagaine how brave you have been and how you have coped. I am in a smiliar situation, I found out my ex-finance was cheating on me, he left straight to her, we have hardly spoke and now in an hours time he is arriving from the UK to Singapore with the girl he cheated with. He wants to see me, yet I can't. Our 9th anniversary is on NYE and he is celebrating this with her,here instead of me. As hard as it is- I just have to sit it out and tell myself like a nutcase- things will get better in time. I must find things to do in life for me and somehow fill in my life without him. One day I hope I don't think of him. Th etruth is I think of him allthe time.No matter how much I want him back- it is wrong to have him back. He is not a good person and that is that. So be strong and NC away.
Good luck

[a-s-m-i-8-9]

You are just missing her I think cause this time of the year reminds you of her and your memories together
Just talk to her and you will see that you are over her
And now it's chrismas so you are going to be with your family for a while so that's good for you to be with them
Good luck

[talaniman]

Holidays are hard, but no damage has been done so get busy with other things, as you just need more time.

[redaphid]

Hey, Everyone -

Every couple of years, I come back here to ask questions related to the same girl. You can read the backstory here and here.

This story, as usual, has a lot of exposition - I'm sorry. I'll try to keep it as brief as possible, but it's hard to compress 2 years down without getting rid of information you guys could use to help me out. I really appreciate any help I can get, so thank you ahead of time for putting up with my long-winded bull**** :).

In the intervening years, I moved to Hawaii, got my Master's degree, and dated and broke up with a girl pretty similar to the one I'm always talking about. I never contacted Ashley (the subject of all my questions) during this time, though since I'm a computer science kid I noticed the occasional search for me landing on my websites from her computer ever month or two.

I broke up with the Hawaii girlfriend for the 2nd time around my birthday, which is when I unexpectedly received a text from Ashley, just wishing me a happy birthday. I had emailed her about 2 months before, just trying to catch up, so I guess she didn't text me entirely without provocation.

I saw her over Christmas break, but she was completely insane at that time. Something was obviously wrong with her. She had broke up with her recent boyfriend, and had this horrible relationship where her Mom's boyfriend's nephew ("Josh") was using her for sex, which she was trying to turn into a relationship. Obviously, this never worked out. She was rude and weird to me - which was odd because she wanted to see me, initially. I left our town after the break and didn't talk to her for a while.

Valentine's day rolls around, and I'm supposed to go to some horrible party with my ex-hawaiian girlfriend, her new boyfriend, and my little sister's weird fat friend who is obsessed with me. Depressed, I drove out into the middle of nowhere, and my car breaks down. In a coffee shop, I order some flowers to be anonymously sent to Ashely, because she's been acting depressed on Facebook lately. This cheers her up a lot.

After this, we start talking on the phone about once a week, for about an hour and a half each time. During this time, she's still trying to make her horrible situation work (though she doesn't tell me this at the time), and mentions that her ex boyfriend kept thinking she was cheating on him with me during their relationship, which is bizarre because I'm in Hawaii. Her ex boyfriend then contacts me over Facebook with some cryptic warnings, and strange, obviously fake information about Ashley cheating on me (I'm not being naïve - the situation he described definitely couldn'tve happened). I tell Ashley about this, and she gets extremely upset, can't stop crying, and says that her ex has been "trying to destroy her life", and that "she didn't want to lose our relationship again", adamantly denying the cheating story, and insisting her ex was a compulsive liar. Shortly afterwards, she gives up on the Josh situation (I find out about this later), though she still texts him a lot, even now. This was in April.

After I graduate, I moved back to our small town, working remotely for a research unit for the university. I obviously start seeing Ashley again, and she's the same sort of crazy she was when I saw her last. We go on a date-type thing, and end up back at my place. She brought a bathing suit, assuming we're going in the Jacuzzi. So, we do that. She ends up in my lap, but nothing really happens. Afterwards, she gets dressed quickly, and acts very awkward about leaving, asking me why I'm being weird about it. I say I'm not (I definitely wasn't), and see her out the door. A half hour later, she calls saying she has a terrible headache and can't drive home. She ends up spending the night in my bed, spooning, but basically falls asleep instantly. The next morning I mess around with her a little, and she acts shocked that I think something other than friendship is going on, stating "I don't know what you think you're getting, but you're not getting it." Then she leaves.

We do the same basic thing a few days later (she calls, wanting to hang out), but we end up in my bed, and this time things are definitely happening. As we're about to switch over from foreplay to actual sex, she stops me and says "I want you to know that I just want this to be a friends with benefits thing". After this, I summoned all my willpower and said "Ohhh, no. That's a terrible idea. That's the worst idea I've ever heard. There's no way we could do that." Then she says "Ok. So what part to you want: friends or sex?" and I say "friends", because, you know, I'm a good guy.

After this, we follow the same template over and over again, of me coming up with really fun, extremely datish ideas to do once or twice a week, and her ending up spending the night at my house, but I can never get it to escalate to anything else than her sleeping in my bed after that. On the bright side, she's acting less and less crazy, and we're getting along great. About a month into this, we stayed up late in my bed, and I told her that I was worried something was wrong with her, that something terrible had happened to her that divorced love and sex in her mind. She couldn't stop crying, and tried to leave. The next week, she invited me down to her house 90 miles away for a weekend tryst. At this point, I got frustrated, and confronted her on what we were doing. Why was I down here? What was her plan? etc. She then told me how she was physically and sexually abused by her ex boyfriend, and didn't know if she could ever be in a relationship again. I told her she needed to get counselling, and she set up appointments with a psychologist, which she now goes to. I also found out at this time that she was still texting Josh, telling him about the things we were doing together. I yelled at her about this, too.

For the next month, we slipped back into the same platonic date routine. She was more and more emotionally affectionate, but showed no signs at all of wanting to be physical. She told me how all her friends knew about me, because I was the "high water mark" of boyfriends, and how much her life sucked since we broke up, and how much better it is now that I'm back. We broke into the old high school football field at night, and watched the meteor shower. She told me that she used to always wish the same wish - that we would end up together forever, and that I would never break up with her, and never stop loving her. She said that since we broke up, she didn't know what to wish for anymore. We had "double dates" with her sister and her boyfriend, I kept spending the night at her apartment (or her at my house), and though she liked me more and more, it seemed like things weren't getting anywhere. We'd have occasional conversations about what we're doing, during which she'd say things like "obviously I've been thinking about how we should maybe date a lot", she couldn't stop thinking about us being in a relationship, but "didn't know if it was a good idea", etc. These were normally after failed attempts by me to kiss her.

August 19th was our old anniversary, and I took her on this incredibly romantic reenactment of our first date - now 6 years ago. I even dug up the shirt I wore on that day from my closet, now full of holes. I brought her the same flowers, and she loved it. I was sure that this would finally push is in the right direction, but it didn't. At the end, she was crying because we wouldn't see each other for 2 weeks (her school had started), then decided to drive all the way back to our small town to see me again on the weekend.

That weekend rolled around, and she acted very different. She said it didn't feel like it had been a while since we saw each other, and she didn't act that romantic at all. She decided to stay with her family the second night, instead of seeing me again. I was pretty confused, as usual. After that, a friend tried to hook me up with a really beautiful, intelligent girl on a date. I didn't know what to do. I was in a text-conversation with Ashley, and told her about the situation and asked her what to do. She didn't respond.

This Friday, I prepared a particularly romantic "date" for us - involving a boat ride around the lake, a candy picnic, a fancy restaurant, ending up with us "camping out" in my car, cuddling in the back, watching Arrested Development. She asked about the other girl, who I decided not to see. Later, in my bed, I tried to kiss her. She pulled the same bull**** she always does, acting like she didn't expect it, saying "what are you doing?", etc. This time, I was losing my patience, so I decided to just drive her home, rather than go through the whole awkward conversation yet again. We ended up talking anyway, of course, on the way home.

During the conversation, she said that she "obviously cares about me", and that she looks forward to seeing me more than anything else in the week, how amazing we get along, etc. But she wasn't ready for a relationship - she wasn't even close to better yet, and even when she was, she didn't know if she'd want to be with me. How I shouldn't wait for her, and she'd try somehow to keep tabs on herself, to find out when she was OK enough to date again. I told her that I didn't mind waiting, but I needed some sort of sign that I was doing the right thing - I didn't want to lose her to some guy at her college. She said she wasn't even close to thinking about being with anybody else.

During the argument, though, she said a few pretty hurtful things; namely, that she would have to "give up on her childish fantasies of being swept off her feet" to be with me (ouch). I know for a fact I was that guy, once. She also said she wasn't attracted to me, but she could be attracted to other guys still. She said it was part of her "problem" - that sex and love were so divorced in her mind that she couldn't think of them in the same context. These statements were pretty tough to take, and obviously affected me. Normally in these conversations, she would admit that she was thinking about us as a couple, but didn't know if it was a good idea. This time, she said that she thought I was just trying to help her, and hadn't thought about us that way in a while. It was pretty bad. But also contradicted what she said earlier in the argument. She then admitted that her whole family thought we were dating anyway.

We fell asleep at her house, and then I had to sneak out before her mom woke up. I was pretty horribly depressed all day. The next night, she texted me "Hey how are you?" and I just pretended to misunderstand and siderailed it into smalltalk, then stopped talking to her.

That brings us to now. I'll be pretty impressed if someone actually reads all this!

So, what should I do? I'm trying to get a job in the same town as her. Should I do that, or move away? Am I on the right track with the pseudo-date things, or am I wasting my time, and missing opportunities like the blind date earlier this week?

I'm obviously still in love with Ashley. I think you can agree that I'm getting pretty mixed signals. So, what can I do to get us back together? Do I even have a chance at this?

Thank you so much for helping me out. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Homegirl 50]

Are you serious about staring something with her after all of that?

Move to another city if you can't stay away from her but stay away from her.
There is too much drama here and she needs a physiatrist, not you. This is and has always been a total wreck.

[Wondergirl]

Move away. You're wasting your time. You're missing opportunities. The train has wrecked already.

[talaniman]

Explain what part of No Contact whatsoever are you having a problem with. That's been your solution for 3 years, and until you can get it right, expect more of the same. FOREVER.

[Homegirl 50]

You are a real glutton for punishment.
The fact that you are wanting to go back to the drama is insane.
Does she even want you? Does not sound like she does.