[talaniman]

You spend a lot of time justifing his behavior and trying to explain yourself its just a little confusing because I'm trying to home in to what kind of advice your in need of.Do you have a good friend that you trust and can talk to? You do seem to be a bit isolated whether it is your job or husbands doing I can't really tell.Either way a talk with a therapist is in you best interest to help sort out your thinking-Stay in touch and good luck!:cool:

[momincali]

You have many issues here, the main one being your husband's inappropriate behavior. He has shown an obvious liking to your governess and the previous one before that. There is no acceptable explanation for his actions and if he wants your trust, he must earn it and that won't happen with covert behavior like he's demonstrated. Never, for any reason, should he have given her or any other woman, a gift without your knowledge and consent. Never, should he have entered her room in the middle of the night for any reason. Never should he have been having conversations that detail her private life without your presence. Getting rid of your governess alone will not solve your problems because they don't lie with her, they lie with your husband. If he does not involve himself with her, he may involve himself with the next one that comes along or any other woman he chooses if something is not done.

Now, on the other hand, you mentioned that there are days that you ignore him, why? Perhaps you find yourself so stressed that you feel too tired to come home after a long day and tend to your families obligations yet they are still your obligations. When men do not receive time, affection, warmth, interest and conversation (not just sex) from their wives, their attention begins to wander. Men need to feel connected to their wives and an interlude in the bedroom isn't the only way.

If I were in your shoes, I would put my family first because no one likes to be made second. If I saw my family and relationship with my husband beginning to falter and fade, I would quit my job and take care of my own children and home. If it was my own business, I would sell it. Nothing would stand in the way of my commitment to my family. Why? Because I could not in good conscience continue to ignore them for the sake of financial independence. Where there is a will, there is a way. Perhaps if you did these things, you would 1.) Be rid of the stress that plagues you and renders you useless at the end of the day. 2.) You would not be away from your family for periods allowing you to once again bond not only with your husband but children as well. 3.) What you spend on a governess you could save and put towards a lovely vacation/holiday which would also bring you closer to your family and give you the opportunity to create beautiful memories to replace the bad ones that you have now.

You sound like a kind, understanding woman and that is no doubt a couple of the reasons your husband married you. I am also sure that your husband had some very indearing qualities which attracted you to him as well. It sounds as though he is looking for something in these women that he no longer has with you. Maybe it is something he can find again if you give him the opportunity. Take back your home. Let him know that he and the children are so important to you, that you are willing to give up your career to rekindle your relationship with them and reestablish your position not merely as woman of the house but as your children's mother and your husband's Goddess.

[Chery]

Dear. momincali and talaniman have some very good points. Your explanation of your job and that you enjoy it and are proud you have made it this far are also to be lauded, but in getting there, you have had to sacrifice something. You and only you know what that is and must work on it. The insecurity is justified through your explicit explanation of the past experiences, however, can be overcome if you can at all possible move your part of the job into the home, to do while there, and not away from home for so long with the ability to schedule your visits to the workplace at your convenience while the children are at school. You can still have a person to come and do the housework and 'daycare' help with the children - and this time make it an older and more mature person to be there only during the day, and then go to her own home, but you should be the focal point in your family, nobody else. This will not only benefit you and children, but also keep your husband out of 'harm's way' with those young ladies taking advantage of him trying to be a bleeding heart for the 'poor' young things. After all, he's only a man, and will try to be the 'protector' of all those he thinks need his help one way of the other. He should use these qualities on your children and you, and not any young strangers. If he's in the 'social beneficiary' stage, he can join a group that helps street children in an appropriate environment like a church, but not in his own home, if he really is sincere about helping others. You both may be very loving and helpful people who care about others, but the saying goes "charity begins in the home" and this is as it should be. Also, don't you think it's time that your children receive some quality time with both parents? I do. They are probably tired of being shifted from one person to another and listening to your excuses either way, so think of them for a change, and get them a 'granny' to help them now and then, but you must be the parents. They did not ask to be born, you wanted them, so now take the responsibility upon yourselves, please. Encourage him to see a counselor with you and plan on what your future will be from now on together. I wish you and the children all the luck in the world.
Have a nice weekend! Do something with the children.

[melrose55]

My partner hides things too but this is a serious consequence if he is trying to beat you. Me and my partner have been together almost a year and we have our disagreements and play fight but we would never try hurt each other intentionally. I think he needs to realise his actions and you need to make him do this- threaten to walk away if he doesn't try fix this as it sounds like he is more interested in the governess, and splitting may be best for kids because if he is aggressive to you what is the saying he won't raise his hand to them. Think about it.

[JudyKayTee]

This is from 2005 - please keep an eye on the dates when you post. There are other current, similar posts to be answered.