[Clough]

But if he decided to marry her and be with her for ever i think that i would not do anything, but than at the same time i could see myself telling him that i love him and dont think that he should be doing this

Remember that I told you earlier about my love for another man?

Just "yes" or "no" on this one please.

[sgnEvan]

I guess I am okay with them being together, but obviously I would prefer if he was with me lol, And yes I could tell him that I would prefer for them not to be affectionate in front of me. However I still have these thoughts of what happens what I am not there and I think that this is one of my main problems

[sgnEvan]

Remember that I told you earlier about my love for another man?

Just "yes" or "no" on this one please.

Okay than I think that I would act like I was fine about all of this but on the inside I would be crushed about it, but because it was what he really wanted I would stay quite because I want him to be happy. So no I guess

[Clough]

My first name is Craig. What is yours please, if you don't mind?

[sgnEvan]

Evan

[Clough]

Okay than i think that i would act like i was fine about all of this but on the inside i would be crushed about it, but because it was what he really wanted i would stay quite because i want him to be happy. So no i guess

I was just looking for a "yes" or a "no" because I was going to lead into something else. You are still analyzing things in your mind here. That's okay, but not for every instance.

[sgnEvan]

Okay but really I think no, I would really have problems with him and his current girlfriend getting married, because I think that he could do better than her and that is not just necessarily me

[Clough]

Dear Evan,

I'm going to respond to your current post. But, I really do need to go to bed. Do you mind if I pull in some others who may have insite who will also be able to help you? I can really identify with your feelings and your problem because I have been in a similar situation, but I simply must go to bed, because I am involved in a musical performance tomorrow where I must be at my best. I hope that you understand.

[sgnEvan]

No worries I myself am very beat and should sleep as well so don't worry and yes pull some others in as well, I just need some answers lol

[Clough]

Then we will work on this later. I really do appreciate your understanding. I have already contacted another. Whether she comes on right now is up to her. But, I do think that it's important that we all get the rest that we need so as to think the most clearly in our discussions.

Thank you for being so open and sharing with us!

[sgnEvan]

No problem I hope that this can help me and others in similar situations. I look forward to our next discussions

[grammadidi]

Evan, Clough asked me if I would mind helping out here, and I surely would, but I am off to bed as well. I will get back to this thread later, though. I have read through it and have several comments to make and some advice for you. I think we can help you through this.

Hugs, Didi

[sgnEvan]

Okay that is great grammadidi thanks, but Clough after thinking about you question even more No I would defently not be happy if he stayed in his current relationship. There is no way that I would just sit by and not say anything

[grammadidi]

Okay, Evan, as stated in the wee hours of the morning I have a few comments and some advice.

In reading your original post it appears that what you are seeking advice for is what to do with this situation. In my opinion, when we find ourselves attracted to another person we have to look at all the options. It matters not whether you are 'straight', 'gay', or 'bi'. What does matter, in my opinion, is that you conduct yourself in a manner that you would hope someone else to act if you were the one who might be hurt in the situation at hand. In this case, it means your friend and/or his girlfriend.

Evan, too many people don't respect the boundaries of a relationship. Imagine if you were dating the man/woman of your dreams and someone stepped in and interfered with that? My morals and values say it's wrong, but only you know what yours say. I believe that when one is 'involved' that it means they are hands off. You do not pursue a relationship with someone who is already IN a relationship.

So, my advice to you is that you either remain friends and be a true friend, or you detach a bit from the situation and concentrate on creating your own happiness without this man. If he and his girlfriend break up at some point, I would wait a reasonable amount of time to allow him to heal, then, if you are still interested you should tell him. If you truly do love him, then open and honest communication is key - however, due to the situation, I feel you should save it for if he becomes single again.

Now, as for your confusion with your sexuality, if it is tormenting you I think you should seek counselling. There are many places available where you can obtain free or low cost counselling. You say that the main point is your feelings for your roommate and whether to tell him, but I think the main point is that you need to come to terms with your own sexuality especially when you feel your friends and family will not be supportive. You also stated that you feel you are "not worthy" of him and refer to possibly developing an eating disorder or becoming depressed. Hun, this really signals a need for some good supportive therapy. You really do need to work on yourself, first. Until you deal with your personal issues you will not be able to have a lasting, loving relationship with anyone! My guess is that you want to be capable of those things if he returns your feelings - yet another reason to seek therapy.

I do hope you will think about all of this carefully. I also would like you to read your original post yourself and see how much of it is devoted to your own sexual identity and self confidence issues. If you need to know of therapy options in your area, please post where you live and I am sure there are several people who can guide you. Your family doctor or local hospital can also point you in the right direction.

Hugs, Didi

[sgnEvan]

I know about respect for relationships and this is part of the reason that I haven't told him anything because I know he is currently in a relationship. What I was referring to last time was Clough's question of them getting marred and if it got that serious than I would tell him how I feel before that happened but I don't see that in the picture right now was we are fairly young right now

[grammadidi]

I think you are missing the point of my post/advice. Try again. You DID ask for advice. :D

Hugs, Didi

[sgnEvan]

I am just worried about counseling like I have never been to counseling and I guess I am just worried about the stigmas that are attached to it.

[grammadidi]

Many, many wonderful people have had the need for counseling in their lives. I understand what you mean by worrying about a stigma attached to counseling, but I wonder if you can look at it another way? What is wrong with learning, bettering yourself, or having someone to help you sort out your own thoughts? A counselor or therapist is a tool. Sometimes we need help to attain our goals, reach our utmost potential. There is NO shame in saying, "I can't handle this myself right now, I need help". People turn to God, friends, neighbours, family members, support groups, doctors, therapists and many others in times of need. Seeing a doctor for a physical problem, a mechanic for an engine problem, turning to God (or whatever you believe in) for a spiritual problem or seeking a therapist for an emotional problem... they really are all the same thing! Don't be ashamed. Be proud of yourself for seeking the help you need before the issues become insurmountable and you end up with long term issues that may eventually have physical and psychological symptoms.

Hugs, Didi

[Clough]

Didi has updated me more of your situation, Evan. Please know that I spent a number of years in counselling for first one thing, then another... and another.

The counselling first started when I was married. My wife wanted us to get counselling together. Being the macho guy that I was, I refused to go, thinking that she and I could work things out on our own.

I finally gave up and went to counselling together with her. It eventually turned out that I liked it so much and how much it was helping me to better myself as a person, that I continued to go for a long time. During solving one problem with counselling, other problems were revealed. This lead to different types of counselling sessions with other counsellors as well as groups.

I really attribute admitting that I had some problems that could only be helped by going to professional counsellors to be the reason that I can handle so many things well in my life now, that I couldn't have handled before going through the training that happens in counselling.

Going to counselling is very much like attending school. It's just more about you, what you think, and your emotions that you feel.

[sgnEvan]

Thanks for all great the great ideas ideas, however I was wondering if anyone else has been in a similar situation or any ideas?