[MissingHim2Much]

But the fact is, is that if you realy had feelings for your ex partner then whats the probleme with staying friends?

The problem with being friends with my ex is we were already friends ( best friends ) during our relationship... We talked about everything, did everything together. Then at the end of the day we went to bed made love and held each other. Call me selfish but if I have to give up the making love part then I have to give it all up. I want ALL of him or NOTHING!!

[izkylee]

It's because they no longer see you as a boyfriend but more as a friend it sucks :[

[enigmagnetic]

Interesting post. I am in that predicament right... now. She went on and said that she holds me in the highest regard, as the best guy she knows, but not the best for her! That's mind blowing to me. It's basically saying it's not me it's you. Argh. She said that a week ago, I have yet to reply. I don't know, sometimes I think of her with pure anger, sometimes I think of her platonically or with fondness. That's probably a sign I'm not 100% over her. Interestingly enough a lot of what I'm hearing is variable. It heavily depends on a few things namely;

a. How the relationship ended, on good terms or bad terms. (+1 if good) (-1 if bad)
b. The time at which they ask.(length of time in months)
c. The length of the relationship. (length of time in months)
d. Guilt. (1 if it exists, 0 if it doesn't)
e. If they still love you. (1 if they do 0 if they don't)

I'm thinking about a math equation, hmm.


c-d+b-e+a = chance of it working as a platonic relationship (the higher the better)

Seriously though, it's hard to determine. My ex even started dating another guy so I'm starting to lean on the flaunting part. Oh well.

[Maggie83]

I don't think you can be friends with your ex... mine has asked me twice since we broke up... why would I be friends with someone that doesn't want to be with me. For me it wouls just be too hard to hover in the background whilst she moved on, we've split before and tried to be friends but we ended up getting back together for the wrong reasons.

She split with me so it NC as far as I'm concerned... although I'm not looking forward to the holidays on my own for the first time in six years!

[ISneezeFunny]

I agree with enigmatic. My ex and I broke last week after 3 years... and she wanted to be friends. I saw it as a possibility after some time... then I just found out that she dumped me for another guy.. . yeah... not going to happen.

[talaniman]

Of course they want to be friends, they have had weeks and months to think about it, and get over the messy feelings that come with a break up, while you are in total shock, as this came from nowhere, to between your eyes. That's what gets you is the shock, and you must have the knowledge, and the time to deal with that shock. The more quick you get that misery and pain behind, you the faster you heal and move on. The more balanced and healthy you keep your life, during a relationship, the better you bounce back emotionally, and the easier it is to accept its over, and move on. Dumpers may love to be friends after a break up, but you know good and well you need time to get it back together. That's when what they want becomes a low priority, and what you need becomes THE priority. Avoid the lingering death and confusion of false hope, because they are ready to be friends, and take care of Yourself.

[ricbm15]

My girlfriend and I split up 7 weeks ago, we'd not been going out for long, but I had fallen for her but while her initial feelings for me were strong they didn't stay that way. We had both been in abusive marriages and while I have come to terms with mine although not totally back to myself, she is still dealing with the issues from hers, mainly as she has a daughter. I realised she was struggling with being able to cope with a relationship so I tried everything to make it easier for her, but that made things worse for me. In the end she admitted she wasn't ready for a relationship so we split.
She wanted to stay friends so I thought I'd try, normally I'd put some distance between me and an ex, but she had some tough issues to deal with over her ex and her daughter so I stayed friends to be there for her. We saw less of each other but were in touch one way or another almost daily and she came to a few family events of mine. The problem is I'm still in love with her and want her back, but she doesn't want me back. She wants me there to fill in the gap that would be there if I wasn't but that's not fair to me so I've had to ask her for time and space to stop loving her because at the end of the day it will be me that gets hurt all over again.
I know she's angry about this because I'm cutting away her support, but to be honest she can't expect me to fill in the gaps till she's ready to commit to someone, because in all likelihood that someone won't be me and I'll get hurt again. At the end of a relationship you need time to greave and then move on if you are still being an important part of that persons life you can't move on, because you will always hope they will change there mind, but if they are getting what they want without the commitment they won't change their mind. Best to save yourself the agony it's hard enough coping with the fact that this person doesn't love you why prolong the agony
Just say no and goodbye

[Unregistered]

The answer is simple: the female brain as opposed to the male brain. Women, in general, are networkers, always adding to their ever-growing number of acquaintances, friends, etcetera. Men are lone wolves. Frankly, the thought of being friends with an ex is ridiculous. I'd rather chum around with my male friends than spend an evening with an ex discussing the men or women in her network. I mean, pleazeeee!
Get it over with, and move on, for the good of everybody!

[Questions2007]

Because they want to keep you in their life. The motivation is almost always selfish (although the dumper rarely knows it).

If you agree to the request, they get to maintain a "relationship" with you on their terms. Matters don't have to be final then. Exactly as they were unsure whether they wanted to be with you when you were together, the "friendship" will allow them to keep you around, no pressure, and reach firm conclusions about you.

It is often an entirely selfish request, so that the dumper can ease themselves off you gently. In most cases, once the dumper is over the dumpee (with their help by staying in touch), you can bet that the "friendship" they were so keen to maintain is virtually worthless.

[serena6878]

Because it is difficult for two people in the earth to meet and become friends, even more difficult for two to fall in love. Even could be with you, she is still grateful to once have had you in her life. She wishes you would be happy forever with another truly good girl. She would be content to know that there is a person in this world she loved and liked breathing the same air with her.
She likes, or loves you.

[nickshehe]

I always thought I was too proud to stay friends with my "first love" who dumped me.. I never told her to stop talking to me or that I agreed on being friends, she would just contact me randomly at times and I would reply and we would talk.. This made getting over her extremely difficult but I eventually did get over her and now we've become good friends and I'm glad at how things turned out..
It probably wouldve been better for me if I hadn't talked to her in a long time, then I'd get over her then we could become friends.. but even so..
This isn't answering any questions I just thought I'd put my story down :)

[soniagak]

I wanted to be friends with my ex because he was my best friend I told him everything so after the break up I didn't want to lose the best friend I dono about others although being friends with your ex never works

[Questions2007]

i dont think you can be friends with your ex...mine has asked me twice since we broke up...why would i be friends with someone that doesnt want to be with me. for me it wouls just be too hard to hover in the background whilst she moved on, weve split before and tried to be friends but we ended up getting back together for the wrong reasons.

she split with me so it NC as far as im concerned...although im not looking forward to the holidays on my own for the first time in six years!!

Well said. This sums it up very well. Why would a dumpee want to be friends with the person who dumped them. They weren't good enough to be their partner, why would they be good enough to be their friend?

In rare situations it can work, e.g. an entirely mutual split. But when one party has ended the relationship, I just don't see how friendship can ever work in the short to medium term. The dumper is being selfish, the dumpee agrees to the friendship request as a last ditch chance to save the relationship. Eventually both parties true intentions will come out and it will end in tears!

[talaniman]

I think the dumper that calls, and wants to do the friends thing, is immature and selfish. Its not right to just be about what they want, with total disregard to the hurt feelings of the ex partner. At that time there are no best friend feelings by those who get dumped.

[The Theme]

Being "just friends" is a way to let someone down easy without being the "bad person". In contrast, it sets up a longer road of pain for the person that still has feelings for the other. Women do this most of the time because they want to have it all, but as a man you have to stand up and not give her this wish. Just say NO... For all you people saying that I am not right for saying what I am saying, I am going to give you a couple of examples... If you had a great job with great pay, and your boss comes to you and says, "Hey, you have been great to the company, but I'm afraid that we are going to give you a huge pay cut, however you will still have the same job you have now. By the way, when someone else comes along that you are better than, that person will not have to do as much but will recieve better pay, less hours, and you have to pick up their slack when something gos wrong. Agreed? Good, now get back to work" Now honestly, would you keep working there? Being told "lets just be friends" or "we can still be friends" is a DOWNGRADE and your worth is not appreciated, so you should cut those losses and move on. Another example is this. You have a pet and it passes away, they your parents say, "you can still keep it". The truth is that the friendship ENDED when a relationship began. Be civil (not killing the person is civil enough), but do not be friends with a woman that tries to downgrade you.