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Chery · Oct 21, 2005, 09:06 PM

Originally Posted by steph1fl

oh trust me i was enjoying the moment. i only asked him if he was seeing other people already,is that not fair?i have a right to have self doubt or whatever b/c the person i was in a relationship with is doubting me too.

Yes, but remember that you created that doubt by 'talking' to the other men, not the other way around. Have you caught him with 'talking' to other women, no... but I bet you can't wait to catch him at it. This is just the attitude that you have, sorry to say and it must have been taught to you at an early age by someone imressing you, but that was tha past and you must grow or stay stagnant and not learn a thing. It's your choice, so make it.

steph1fl · Oct 22, 2005, 05:13 PM

Well last night I didn't hear from him all night. I went to sleep early (around midnight)and I woke up at 4:30am.I wanted to know why he didn't call me cause he had been inviting me over all week so I went to his house... well there was 2 girls there one that I know and used to hang out with and one girl I've never seen before.what are 2 girls and 2 guys doing at 4:30 in the morning together? its time to get over this P.O.S. when I got there he said "you were not invited go home"... HOW RUDE. WHAT A WINNER... YA RIGHT! Its time I erase him from my head.he obviously does not care about me.I don't know what I was thinking going over there and getting played like this.THIS IS NOT THE 1st TIME HE HAS BEEN W/OTHER GIRLS... he said he is single and can do what he wants and I need to go home...

steph1fl · Oct 22, 2005, 06:41 PM

So I guess he answered the question for me last night.he didn't tell me he was seeing anyone else because he wanted to keep me on standby in case he didn't find anyone better,and last night he was w/other girls so he didn't need me around.I need to get over this kid cause he obviously does not want anything to do w/me.

Chery · Oct 22, 2005, 06:54 PM

Originally Posted by steph1fl

well last night i didnt hear from him all night. i went to sleep early (around midnight)and i woke up at 4:30am.i wanted to know why he didnt call me cause he had been inviting me over all week so i went to his house...well there was 2 girls there one that i know and used to hang out with and one girl ive never seen b4.what are 2 girls and 2 guys doing at 4:30 in the morning together??its time to get over this P.O.S. when i got there he said "you were not invited go home"...HOW RUDE. WHAT A WINNER...YA RIGHT! its time i erase him from my head.he obviously does not care about me.i dont know what i was thinking going over there and getting played like this.THIS IS NOT THE 1st TIME HE HAS BEEN W/OTHER GIRLS...he said he is single and can do what he wants and i need to go home...

Dear steph, I hate to say this, but you should not have gone there. You knew exactly what you might find and deliberately set yourself up. I told you last time that you were self-destructive and you kind of are.. You placed your whole world around him knowing it was not good to do. But now you know and what you do with this knowledge will be up to you. If he calls again, you'll probably jump at the chane to 'prove' you are the most desirable, and see him. My advice to you is DON'T. Let him have some time and don't crush him. That's what you've been doing and he has been reacting to your actions. Men also have to prove something to themselves, and that's never to be P-whipped. Please understand this, no matter how much he likes you, you just made it impossible for him to 'rate' you as all men do. You are now at the bottom of this list and there is nothing you can do except go along with it, or start a new life without him. There are others out there, but don't make the same mistake with them, please. I hope you've learned something from this. You either have to let him go, or let him win. Because if you keep this up for the rest of your life, you'll always loose! I said before that you don't trust men, have you had others in your family i.e. your mother or sister act the same way? Because we learn to be this way from early age, and if you don't change, you'll never be happy. Even if Mr. Right showed up tomorrow, you'd not trust him for 2 minutes alone, so there must be a real trauma in your life that you have not worked on and really need to if you ever want a healthy relationship in the future. I truly wish you a lot of luck finding out why you are this way, and I cannot say you did nothing wrong, sorry, but you need to hear the unabridged version of what a guy sees in you the way you are right now. So, forget about him - NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU THINK YOU LOVE HIM AND Can't DO WITHOUT HIM - which is a lie to yourself. Seek therapy and get yourself some confidence real quick. That's all I can say right now, I've been trying to tell you what to expect when you continue the way you did, but you would not listen. You had your choice, made it, now you have to live with it. Do you seriously wonder why he does not want anything to do with you anymore? You followed him around like a sick puppy and always asked the wrong questions because you wanted proof of his 'undying love' RIGHT NOW! Put yourself in his shoes for a few minutes and understand his frustrations as well, not only your's. Real life isn't that way. You asked for this pain, now get rid of it. Again, good luck.

steph1fl · Oct 22, 2005, 07:12 PM

So its my fault.im the one that shouldn't crush him?he's crushed me.and not because of something I did but because he's tired of being with the same girl for 3 years and wants to go out and see if there is anything else out there and he never loved me and we will never be together he likes other girls.I don't need therapy 4 it.I just need to be strong and forget about him.he invited me over every night until yesterday he wanted to keep me hanging on but when he finds someone else he will let me go.

Chery · Oct 22, 2005, 08:27 PM

No dear, it's not all your fault, but you did bring it upon yourself, as you did not read or take any of my advice and invited trouble, that's all. Just get him out of your life and start over. When you say he never loved you, I think that's going a little too far and putting yourself down, after all he was with you for 3 years even through the arguments. Men are very different from us and sometimes don't know what they want until it's not available anymore, as one of my friends on the forum says. You just made yourself too available and built your whole world around him. Next time you'll know not to do that, and I'm sure after this, you'll not make the same choices again. We live and learn. I wish you all the best.

Now use some good shampoo and wash him right out. OK?.

jeffatl · Oct 26, 2005, 10:13 PM

Steph, I hate to read all of this that you are going through, I know it hurts. The thing that you have to realize is that you can't win someone back, THEY have to come back to you. The more you push and the more you show you care, the more harm it really does. After reading this I really see how much alike women and men are in this aspect. People really do want what they can't have. You NEED to show him that you are NOT going to put up with this crap, but you can't go by his house and "see what he is up to" because it makes him think "man, this girl is nuts!". DO NOT talk to him for a few days (at least) and really make him see what he is missing. I think this is easier for girls to see, but if her really cares for you, he will. If he doesn't, you are better off without him. As far as him "not wanting to spend the night alone" I would say "well......then you shouldnt have broken up with me dummy". If he knows you will be there when he calls, that is all he will need you for. Guys are dumb, and MOST of the time they blow a good thing and don't even know it. I think women have a better understanding of relationships and have a better insight into men that are good/bad for them. I am pretty much going through the same thing you are, and let me say... the more you distance yourself, the better. If he wants you back, HE will come to you, but DO NOT go running to him. Be strong and have some fun with your friends. Try not to think about him and what he is doing, it will only burn you up inside, TRUST ME! Best of luck, Jeff.

steph1fl · Oct 27, 2005, 06:20 AM

After I went home that night I didn't try 2 call him at all and he didn't try calling me... then on Tuesday night he called.I didn't want to answer cause I knew it would be the same ol' ****,but he called over &over again and left a few messages. I still wasn't going to answer but he left 1 message so next time he called I picked up.we talked and he asked me why we can't be friends I told him I can't be friends w/him because I still have feelings for him.he asked "then how are we supposed to get back together if we arent friends?"I told him that's the way to find out if he can't live w/out me and after not seeing me one day he will just know.he wants to see if he can get someone else and if not he wants to be with me.tuesday night I wound up going to his house after he called and spent the night and he hasn't called me since.he only calls late at night when he is lonely and he never calls during the day to see how I am doing or just to say hi...

Chery · Oct 28, 2005, 03:15 AM

Originally Posted by jeffatl

Steph, I hate to read all of this that you are going through, I know it hurts. The thing that you have to realize is that you can't win someone back, THEY have to come back to you. The more you push and the more you show you care, the more harm it really does. After reading this I really see how much alike women and men are in this aspect. People really do want what they can't have. You NEED to show him that you are NOT going to put up with this crap, but you can't go by his house and "see what he is up to" because it makes him think "man, this girl is nuts!". DO NOT talk to him for a few days (at least) and really make him see what he is missing. I think this is easier for girls to see, but if her really cares for you, he will. If he doesnt, you are better off without him. As far as him "not wanting to spend the night alone" I would say "well......then you shouldnt have broken up with me dummy". If he knows you will be there when he calls, that is all he will need you for. Guys are dumb, and MOST of the time they blow a good thing and dont even know it. I think women have a better understanding of relationships and have a better insight into men that are good/bad for them. I am pretty much going through the same thing you are, and let me say...... the more you distance yourself, the better. If he wants you back, HE will come to you, but DO NOT go running to him. Be strong and have some fun with your friends. Try not to think about him and what he is doing, it will only burn you up inside, TRUST ME! Best of luck, Jeff.

Now that you've got it from a man's point of view, maybe it will sink in. You placed him in the center of your world and would not give him room to breathe - no wonder he used you. Just let him go and get a better life with someone who understands your needs and can give you what you want - he can't - he needs a very independent and secure woman - one who acts like she does not care as much as you did. Do some serious thinking about this and good luck.

steph1fl · Oct 28, 2005, 05:24 AM

:confused: -I thought your advice was OK up until this point... I don't think you understand the situation... independence... ive been out on my own since I was 18 he's lived w/his parents until last year (hes 24 tomorrow)HES THE ONE THAT NEEDS TO GROW UP AND BE INDEPENDENT.he used to be head over heels for me, the way I am for him until I cheated,he felt betrayed and there are trust issue between us that I haven't explained so you really don't know the situation,but thanks for trying.

jeffatl · Oct 28, 2005, 12:48 PM

Don't make excuses for his behavior, I did that and it just places the blame back on you. Did he break up with you because you cheated? It doesn't sound like it. Look, I know taking advice on here at first is really hard. The only thing you look for in the beginning is validation to your actions, but Don't! NOBODY has the right to make you feel bad and treat you like a puppett on a string. I think you are missing the point about dependence as well. That's great that you are off on your own, but that doesn't make you independent in the sense of a relationship, you can still be dependent on that feeling of being wanted and needed, but don't feel bad that's just human nature. DO NOT BUY HIM CRAP FOR HIS Birthday! Maybe a card (NOT A HEART TO HEART CARD!) but just be nice, with that said don't roll over for him AT ALL! You have to make this guy miss you, YOU ARE THE PRIZE NOW NOT HIM! Ok, you cheated, did you tell him about it or did he find out on his own? I always feel like owning up to a mistake and coming clean about it shows maturity and most of all regret for what you did. Don't let him hold that over your head for one minute, it's a load of b/s. Honestly, there is nothing anyone can really say to you that will just POP, open your eyes, it is something you will really just have to get fed up with. You sound like a very nice girl, so why chase him? Let him chase you, its more fun anyway. My EX cheated on me and yes, it did kill the intimacy for a while, but I got over it and worked things out. Don't beat yourself up about the past because there is nothing you can do to change that. LET HIM GO! If HE comes back to you, then see how you feel about it. Best of luck to you! :o

momincali · Oct 28, 2005, 12:55 PM

Steph, based on the information you posted on this thread this is what I understand. Your 24 year old ex-boyfriend has decided he no longer wants to be in a relationship where he is constantly having to defend himself. He said that the break-up was due to "too much fighting" between you two. The constant fighting has ruined this relationship and I don't believe it can or should be salvaged. I think that at this point you both need to lick your wounds and walk away, far, far away from each other. No contact and definitely no "spending the night cause I'm lonely"... that's crap by the way. You're vulnerable right now and he was a pig for asking you to sleep over, HOWEVER, you should have had the sense to say, "I have more respect for myself then to sleep with my "ex" and I am not a friend with benefits." When you're broken up, you're not entitled to show up at his house and it wasn't rude of him to tell you so, nor do you have a right to know what he does and who he does it with, and vice-versa. You don't have to like it, but you do have to accept it. Turn the tables. Say you were the one who broke up. You go out on a double date with your girlfriend and he shows up. Awkward moment, yeah! You might have even gotten angry. Can you understand that side of it? Of the 3 years you were together, how much of them did you spend fighting? If you don't trust him because you say that this isn't the first time he has been with other girls and he says he feels betrayed because you cheated on him, then what value does this relationship have?? Don't chase what's no longer there. You two created an animosity towards each other and it's made you both behave in a pretty unattractive manner. There is never a good reason to cheat. If you're not happy, if he ignores you, if you were drunk, whatever it is you're justifying you behavior with, it's not a valid reason. If it's that bad, then walk away, but don't lose your dignity by cheating, it will turn around and bite you in the end. As for him, right now, he needs to be given exactly what he asked for... space. If he calls you late at night to sleep with you, tell him you're not available for that. Block his number for your own good. If he really wanted time away from you to think things over, then he wouldn't be calling you only for sex. Besides, can you honestly say that you would want to risk getting pregnant by a guy who doesn't really want to be a part of your life right now? The pregnancy won't change his mind and all you'll wind up with is a baby who has to suffer through the indignation and sadness of having his mom and dad live under separate roofs. Don't play games. Don't get resentful, but don't be friends right now either. I understand that you may feel a little empty and saddened by your loss, that's normal and it will pass. You have been on your own since you were 18 years old and that in itself is admirable. It shows a certain level of maturity on your part, but you need to grow a little more, and you can't do it by clinging onto a relationship like this one. There's nothing wrong with wanting someone to share your life with, your highs and your lows, but right now Steph, you need to handle things on your own. If you have girlfriends you trust and love, keep them close. Call your parents more often. Go to church. Find your innerstrength and use it. Do you know what your purpose in life is? If not, then take this time to find out. If you're going to school to reach your goals, then GO TO SCHOOL TO REACH YOUR GOALS. Volunteer your spare time doing something that will give your life meaning, this will help you more than you know. “And ever those, who would enjoyment gain, must find it in the purpose they pursue” (Sarah Josepha Hale).
Hope that helps... :D

steph1fl · Oct 28, 2005, 01:20 PM

Wow,now I just think you don't know what you are talking about... when he did call me and wanted me to stay the night he knew he wasn't getting anything from me!! even when we were together and were fighting I wouldn't give it up.im not the kind of person that needs to sleep w/people and get pregnant for nothing... you got me messed up.I don't want to have a kid anytime soon w/any guy in live or not... sorry.and when he called me and asked me to sleep over last week I went there so I could be w/someone familiar just as he did.I did cheat on him and after it happened I realized I made the biggest mistake ever.I never told him he found out from someone else.he might be only calling for sex,but if I did see him it wouldn't be about sex at all.ive tried to break up w/him in the past when the roles where reversed and he wasn't having it.I don't and will never make excuses for myself or anyone else.I know what's up.and I know right and wrong and(most of the time)

Chery · Oct 28, 2005, 08:57 PM

Originally Posted by steph1fl

:confused: -I thought your advice was ok up until this point...i dont think you understand the situation...independence...ive been out on my own since i was 18 hes lived w/his parents until last year (hes 24 tomorrow)HES THE ONE THAT NEEDS TO GROW UP AND BE INDEPENDENT.he used to be head over heels for me, the way i am for him until i cheated,he felt betrayed and there are trust issue between us that i havent explained so you really dont know the situation,but thanks for trying.

There is financial and emotional independence in case you did not remember, And yes, we don't know everything, only what you give us, and then when we try to help you feel attacked, so what the heck do you expect. We only try to help you understand a few things that you seem to have forgotted or are blocking ever since you met him. So if it's positive answers you want all the time, get a recorder or pay a fortune teller to tell you a bunch of lies. We can't read minds and if you only feed us bit by bit you are not being 'fair' to us either. You have the choice to play any kind of games you choose with us, but please don't play games with yourself anymore, it's only for your own good. Keep us posted.

momincali · Oct 28, 2005, 10:21 PM

Chery, I couldn't have said it better myself. Steph, you came here asking advice and you got it. We have all given you opinion that we feel strongly would benefit you and help you with your dilemna and you have the option to listen or not. If we assumed that you were having sex with this guy, it was only because you lead us to believe so. You never said, I sleep with him in the same bed but there is no sex involved. In any case, the jist of what Jeff and I were saying doesn't change. I personally believe that you must move forward, if need be without him, and from the sounds of it, he's not willing to take that journey with you right now. I hope you decide to take it anyway. Best wishes...

jeffatl · Oct 29, 2005, 03:36 AM

Ooooooookkkkkk. Don't get mad Steph, we are trying to help you. Ok, MAYBE him asking you to come over has nothing to do with sex (if you want to think that) but it probably has to do more with control. If he can get you to jump trough these hoops and get you to come over and stay with him so he doenst have to be alone, HE WINS! I wasn't saying anything about you having sex with him and I don't think I said anything of the sort. Think about this rationally for a min. If you had all of the perks that come with having a boyfriend but didn't really have one, what would be the point? If I could get a girl to come over whenever I wanted her to and stay with me only when I was lonely, I would never need a girlfriend, nor would any guy. Look, don't feel like we are attacking you here, I have found that the more you think about what is said here and RATIONALLY apply it to your situation, it really does fall in place. Just TRY and not talk to this guy for a week, and REALLY think about the way he is acting to you right now, do you really think if he does take you back he will change? *Sigh* I feel so bad for you because I know what you are going through right now and it SUCKS! Don't beat yourself up about this Steph, nothing you do will change anything, DO NOTHING and he might wise up. Look, the fact is you came here asking for advice from us. A lot of the time it takes a 3rd party that has no real involvement in your situation to give you a straight up and blunt answer, that doesn't always mean that you will like what you hear. Calm down a little here girlie, and think about what we are saying in LITERAL terms, if we mean sex we will say sex and not sleep. Don't worry, everything will work out for the best. :cool:

Chery · Oct 29, 2005, 04:23 AM

Momincalli and Jeff, thanks for the support. As you can see, I've tried, but fed with just a little at a time and always on the defensive, it's hard.

Steph - you may be preaching, but not practicing, because your statement on excuses to me, is BS, unfortunately. So why get down on us? Take your aggression to where it belongs, please. You came to us for help, we did our best, but apparently it was not enough for you. Sometimes it seems that you want more than you can chew, and that is something you have to work out on your own. I've been a social work therapist in family and children matters (privately at home) for 3 years now and I can tell a stubborn individual when I see one, by the actions and body language, (you probably cross both your legs and arms right now) it's hard to 'read' one when not there. Please see someone who can help you out on this or you will drive yourself nutty. You have so much anger inside that you are lashing out, but at a computer, not where it really should be aimed at. The only thing others can do for you is to give you options by which you make the choices - they are up to you. Please print this whole thread out and take it to a therapist near you and ask his/her opinion about it if you don't like what we've been advising. We've got nothing at all to loose or hide here and I am real sorry you feel offended, but sometimes life is not an easy road to travel.
Not giving up on you, so don't you do it either - it could only make your situation worse.

Kem1251 · Aug 16, 2007, 08:00 AM

Originally Posted by steph1fl

me and my ex of 3 years broke up over a month ago. he said we were fighting too much and that if i would give it time everything would fall into place.well we still see each other and hang out and spend the night together,yet he hasnt mentioned anything about the relationship. its like hes over it and he has been.the night we broke up he had some girl at his house and when i showed up he said she was there for his friend(who was also there)but i dont believe them. we spent all of last weekend together and last night. i dont know whats going through his head. does he want to be w/me or does is he having his cake & eating it too?and how do i get over him?

Girl we got to keep our heads up high! My boyfriend and I took a break for about a week, I later found out that when we weren't together he slept with my best friend and I introduced them. He lied straight to me, I found out from a third party, neither of them! He still let me give him oral pleasure and all. What doesn't kill you can only make you stronger. Don't think about it because it will just make you feel worse. We are better than that. Im a better person now that I'm not with him! He's a fool and they will regret it. Its up to you if you go back or not, personally for me NO! I can't do that, he repulses me!