[rpg219]

In my opinion... you are doing GREAT! Don't beat up yourself or consume your whole day thinking about him (I know it's hard). Find some shopping or other activities to keep you busy. If a man were to tell me that he doesn't want to lose me and then turns around and says its over... that would mean another woman. It sounds like he wants his cake, milk and another snack too.(I hope not in your situation). We, here at AMHD, ARE your shoulder to cry on. We may even offer a tissue for you :)
I would say... just leave him alone... keep up with the NC. If you try to contact it may push him away more, but if you keep up the NC it may make him realize what he's missing.

Good luck to you! And remember... we are here for you 24hrs a day... :)

[farfrmnormal]

With regards to "another woman" he didn't really have time to meet anyone. Right up until the night before we broke up, he was always with me. The only thing that it could possibly be is he has made a new encounter with a female online who is encouraging this break up - saying "You don't need her" or "You can do better then her" etc. But I don't want to think about that right now - thing is, its VERY uncharacteristic for him to not be calling.

[farfrmnormal]

So Should I take the upper hand and end things? Or wait till our talk?

[GlindaofOz]

Here is my 2 cents.

You both have completely different "goals" for this relationship. You want marriage and a home and a family and he does not. So you have to decide if you want to wait around for him to decide he wants those things and understand that he may decide that he wants those things BUT not with you

As for your question on how someone could decide so quickly to end a relationship... well you are only seeing the result. In my experience when people want to break up they are unhappy for a loooooong time before they actually end it. They want to see if it will get better or be sure that its really the relationship itself that is making them unhappy. I guarantee that your boyfriend has been unhappy for at least a month if not longer. When people want to break up they are good at hiding their misery.

If you stay in this relationship I think that you are going to become frustrated and angry because you are not "on your timeline". You will begin to lash out at him because he does not want to get married just yet and your relationship will become a powder keg. Or you will become so angry and frustrated that you end up inadvertently bullying him into marrying you.

I feel that the timeline you have is wasteful. Why do you want to get married so young? 25 is REALLY young. You have your entire life ahead of you why rush into now? You are going to grow and change so much over the next few years that you will not even recognize yourself when you're on the verge of 30 believe me. I think you are putting undue pressure on yourself to live out the perfect life plan. Life doesn't work that way. Things happen wrenches get thrown into the cogs of our life. Everything cannot be planned and calculated. Who wants to live a life like that anyway? Part of the joy of life is living in the moment and riding the waves when they come.

[inthebox]

FFN

Agree with Glinda's second paragraph.

In your posts , you mention you snapped at him, though he did not deserve it, your mother mentioned your tone or way of saying things, and your therapist said to be positive. Perhaps the root of things is the way you communicate with him.

There's a book by Gary Chapman, I think, on the languages of love.
From what I remember on words
Kindness, requets, encouragement
Not judgement, criticism, or demands
And tone and body language are just as important.

I've had my share of screwups, no one is perfect. I don't mean for this to come off harsh, best of luck.




Grace and Peace

[farfrmnormal]

I appreciate your comments - as for my "timeline" did I not mention in a later post that after speaking with my therapist and going through all of this I have realize marriage was something I wanted because everyone else was doing it and I felt like I was being left out by being the last one to get married? So yes, the timeline I had was useless - but he now knows that I am not ready, so I hope that he could feel comfortable in himself with the fact that neither of us are ready. I don't feel that I will lash out at him if things do work out, simply because I have realized a lot of things about myself in the last two weeks that I would never have, had the break up not occurred. You mentioned he may want to be married, but not with me - On the Sunday before we broke up, he said he wanted to be married to me - he just didn't know when.

Right now I feel lost because Even though we spent a lot of time apart during our relationship, I knew he was still there. Now, its as if I am sitting on the fence not knowing where his head is at - whether he wants to be with me or not. He said he wanted to think about things - I get that and respect it, hence me not contacting him since our discussion to have NC for two weeks. His Facebook still has pictures of us both on there (one even says "One day the tux will be for our wedding") and he treated me like a queen up until the day of the breakup. He is not on my Facebook, but on my moms - I requested him as a friend and he would not re-add me. Its just not adding up for me - this is unlike him to not contact me for as long as it has been. Before, he was the one contacting me 10 or more times a day, where I was the one saying I felt ambushed with all of the phone calls - now, it has been two weeks and he doesn't even show the desire to see me. He was always a VERY emotional person, and now he seems cold and reserved - almost as if something has TOLD him to act the way he is.

As for my tone and body language - this was not a regular occurrence as everyone can have both every once and a while. But on that note, I am working with my therapist to improve body language and to think before I speak. I did respect him, just as much as he respected me - and respected in the past tense. As for my communication with him, it was done in the best way I knew how. He was always the type to walk away from the problems rather then deal with them head on. Whenever we would have a discussion and he didn't like what he was hearing he would walk away and never deal with things. So my communication was done in a way I was sure he would listen - but now that I look back, perhaps he was not and he was not respecting my difficulties?

But my question still remains - do I let him have his space, and wait till he calls OR do I take the upper hand and end things for good?

[GlindaofOz]

If you feel that you are done with this then I would end the relationship. However to do so simply to gain the upper hand is silly. Regardless of who breaks up with who YOU are still the one who did not expect it so therefore you will suffer the most emotional and you still will bear that pain. There is no upper hand here.

As for him saying he wants to marry you honestly it is meaningless. I've had no less then 6 girlfriends be in relationships where a guy has said that he plans on marrying her one day and they break up and an engagement never happens. Its easy to say its hard to follow through.

You have to stop focusing on the past and everything that he said before. Too often in these situations women or men will pull out everything romantic or loving their partner said and say well here it shows that he really did love me or need me and this is what they mean. No it is what they meant. Peoples feelings can change. In my last serious relationship my boyfriend and I talked about getting married all the time and how we could see being married to one another etc. When we broke up he said to me "I could see you as my wife and I know it would work but I can't be with you anymore". So saying you want to marry someone does not always mean its going to happen.

You are hanging on to insignificant things such as pictures on Facebook which mean nothing. My cousin dumped her boyfriend and there are still pictures of him on her myspace and Facebook yet she has no feelings for him. Its small it's a straw its substantial proof of how he truly feels.

[farfrmnormal]

I get what you are saying - I don't want to be hanging on to straws. I am not doing anything drastic by contacting him, leaving him notes on his windshield or anything of the like - right now I am giving him his space. I have learned a lot of the past two weeks about myself. The things I need to work on to make "me" a better person. Right now I need to focus on me, but am finding it hard. I suppose in a way it's a blessing not having friends around for a "shoulder to cry on" that way I am not getting false responses like "Oh how dare he" and "He's an ". On the other hand I wish there were - I have been leaning on my mom for a lot of help.

As for the upper hand - I suppose I should have worded things differently. I don't want the upper hand per say, I just don't want to look like the fool who waited for him to tell me it was finally over - as I fear this is what he might say next week.

My therapist says focus on the positives just as much as the negatives - OK, he could want to continue the relationship, but he could also want out - how do I prepare for both?

[s_cianci]

Give him the space he says he needs. Meanwhile spend time catching up with those "great friends" you mention in your post. Keep in mind that, any potential spouse, if they're wise, will carefully observe how they respond to stressful situations, i.e. your grandfather's illness. While I am sorry for your grandfather, as I'm sure he is too, your "snapping at him undeserved" may have made him reconsider the whole thing. I know I would if I were in his shoes. Did you ever apologize to him and maybe try to make it up to him somehow? I think he needs reassurance that you're not going to snap and go off the deep end every time something stressful happens. If your life is really as rosy as your thread suggests, then I'd think that you'd be able to handle stress in a constructive manner.

[GlindaofOz]

IMO I believe in preparing for the worst. While it can be negative I feel that it prepares you for it to go either way. That way if he comes back and says Sorry its over you are ready and if he says I love you lets work it out then you will be happy. I think that you have to evaluate both situations. How would you feel if he said lets keep this going. What would you need from him in order to feel secure that this wouldn't happen again? Do you really, honestly, truly want to continue with the relationship. As for him not coming back I would evaluate how it would make you feel and imagine the steps you would need to take in order to pick yourself up and move forward. I guess the idea is to have plan either way.

As for not looking the fool - love makes fools of us all. It sometimes feels as if there is no escape from that. My question to you is what does your gut say. Ignore the head and the heart what does your women's intuition really tell you. I can tell you when the guy who I mentioned before broke up with me I felt it coming. All of a sudden one day I was obsessed with the thought of ending it with him and I talked myself out of it as did all my girlfriends. Then a few weeks later I got that charming sentiment from him. So what does your little voice tell you?

[GlindaofOz]

Also - do you think that you are going to be able to fully work on yourself while in a relationship? Not just with him but with anyone?

[s_cianci]

I have read many posts by others and My post must be making some of you rack your brains out. It seems like my question is very similar to many out there. One thing I find myself doing that is different then others though is this - I am taking the time to admit my faults and I am seeing someone to help me fix them. If things don't work out with my ex I want to ensure that the things that have caused problems in past relationships (Yes my last one and the one before) are gone and out of my life. I guess this site is merely for me to feel better and vent.

But I do have concerns - I want to have a family and be married. I am 25 and feel as though these past 4 yrs have done nothing but set me back. I have read that it can take up to 3 yrs to be fully over someone - But this totally screws up my timeline now.

Fret not. I didn't get married until I was almost 35. Now, 9 years later I have a wife, a home and 2 beautiful daughters to show for it. Be patient and take your time ; you won't regret it.

[farfrmnormal]

Also - do you think that you are going to be able to fully work on yourself while in a relationship? Not just with him but with anyone?

I do believe that I will be able to work on myself - I am seeking help for that and to be honest, the help is too expensive not to do something about it. A relationship is give and take and I find I am able to express myself more in a relationship because it opens up more avenues for me. I have learned a lot about the roots of my problems and some of them cannot be fixed unless I am surrounded by those who I am forced to open up to and show my emotions.

I am not worried about finding a mate that I will marry - I just THOUGHT I had a timeline, which I now know through this whole experience that my timeline was useless.

I had never been through many stressful situations in my life - dealing with my grandfather was probably the first time I had ever been faced with the possibility of a loved one dying. My mom was stressed and was angry with me - he walked in during a heated argument and that's when I was rude to him. I did apologize for it and have made it VERY clear that I am doing all that I can to be a better person - not just for him, but for me as well. Hence the therapy.

As for hanging out with the "great friends" some are mutual and I have decided to not "hang" out with them as I know I will be tempted to ask them for information and I don't feel its fair to put that on them. The others, are long time friends and live out of town, spending time with them is not that easy. So now I search for new things to do, to occupy my thoughts.

As for my gut - I didn't have a gut feeling before he said he wanted time to think - right now I don't feel like I am prepared to end it - but wonder if it would be easier.

I am not expecting him to see me as miraculously changed overnight - I just wanted to prove to him over the course of 1 month that things in me have changed.

[Sad Soul]

Wow. I'm sorry for what you are going through. I see so much of my own situation in yours, except you seem to be in the earlier stages of what I went through.

I promise you that no contact is the best thing. If you have properly told him that you do love him, and for this reason you are going to move on and let him go, then you've done enough. Say it once and say it cleanly/clearly, and then move on.

Don't say things like, “I will wait for the rest of my life,” or “I can't live without you” or “no one else will be you” or anything that may prolong his returning to you because you've secured him into thinking that you really are NOTHING without him.

You have to be strong, independent, and show that you are mature; these are all the things that are attractive in a woman. Someone who has a mature love is far more attractive to a lover than someone who has a childish schoolgirl fantasy they cry for. You have to show that you are something worthwhile (and this is only showing the truth). You can tell him, as someone advised to me, that you cannot be friends because you truly loved him, thus it is difficult for you to lessen what you feel. But tell him that in time, when you are ready, maybe you can be friends again. Let him know the love is there, but also let him know (without saying directly) that the love will not sit there locked in a tower for him.

During this waiting game, you seriously have to move on. You never grow if you stick around in the past. You never ever grow when you are holding on. You have to move forward, because that is the only place to go. This means your job is to improve instead of wasting time getting unhealthy or obsessed. Please go to the gym, please focus on work, please save your money so you can buy that dream home, please read and become smarter, and please have a wonderful social life! Do everything it takes to shine brighter. This will only boost your confidence up again (and you need to bring it up because it's down in the gutter right now). This will also make mutual friends tell him only positive things about you. Be careful to not say anything negative or even feel negative when you are around people he knows (or people in general). Be positive and I promise that things will turn out better than you had planned. I swear they will; because either you will get him or you will get something that you could not even dream up yourself.

In a way, I think, this breakup is your curse and blessing at the same time. I think it'll only improve your quality as a person because it's giving you time alone to work on you…

[farfrmnormal]

You know to be honest - I have realized this because every time I think about it I cry. I am not a social person, and when I was my friends were here with me. Now, that they have moved on with their lives and moved to different cities we don't hang out - so I find it very hard to meet people. If I had someone to occupy my time this NC time may be easier.

[GlindaofOz]

You know to be honest - I have realized this because every time I think about it I cry. I am not a social person, and when I was my friends were here with me. Now, that they have moved on with their lives and moved to different cities we don't hang out - so I find it very hard to meet people. If I had someone to occupy my time this NC time may be easier.

Do you have any hobbies or anything that you've wanted to pick up? After my last breakup I went ballistic with new hobbies. I learned and picked up so many different things. You will meet loads of people just trying something new. I took classes and would end up going out for coffee or a drink with people after class and it was fun and it made me feel good.

[farfrmnormal]

I am looking into taking some kick boxing classes - that may lead to more things. I live in a fairly small city that caters to the elderly lol - But kick boxing is first on my agenda. My hockey season starts in about a month or so.

[GlindaofOz]

Well there you go! That's at least a start. I personally believe the less down time you have the better during situations like this.

Anyone who you're friendly with at work who you might be able to go get dinner with or grab an afterwork drink or a weekend cup of coffee?

[farfrmnormal]

I wish I could say there were - I recently started a new job. The part that sucks about it is that is isolates me from the general public (I used to work retail) and now I work a desk job. I have my own office and rarely have contact with other people at my work. I suppose I don't know them well enough. Tonight I am hoping to meet with some friends to occupy my time. Its just getting through until we have the chance to talk again is all I need.

[GlindaofOz]

You also have all of us to talk to anytime you need it. There is pretty much always someone around on these boards.

Its still a new job it takes time. I know it took quite a few months at my last job for people to warm up to me and start inviting me out after work. Do you have a breakroom? I know in most places in the morning the breakroom is jam packed full of everyone and people usually chat.