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Sad Soul · Sep 14, 2007, 12:02 PM

[QUOTE=Chery]

Originally Posted by Sad Soul

Honey, some people are good 'just friends material'. Those type are usually not as emotionally involved as their partners in the first place. I'm not saying that he didn't love you, just saying there are different types of love. On a scale of 1 to 10.. his 10 might be your 5.. depending on emotional growth.

I am certain that their earlier relationship grew while they were apart. They both had a chance to develop and mature, achieve closure of the past, and liked how each has changed. Ask them what they went through and you'll probably be able to compare a few instances. What happened to them was time and growth.

So.. give time and growth a chance in your life. It might surprise you.

Work on what you'd like to see in the mirror.

The system won't let me give you another reputation yet, but I just wanted to say that what you wrote is clearly the truth. This time apart is for a reason; and all for good reasons... like each of us working on ourselves.

Thanks Cherry for taking the time to help me out.

Sad Soul · Sep 16, 2007, 03:38 AM

I was being pretty strong until today I met up with some old friends. These old friends happen to be very good friends with my ex as well. I would say fifty percent of the time they kept talking about him... and this made me think more and more about him. It's actually got me very depressed and I can't stop crying.

Today I was thinking I will never heal like this. I want to contact him, or at least contact him back next time he tries again... I miss him so much.

But I know if I see him, it will be odd because we will have to act on a more distant level (because we can't hold each other the same way we did when we were "together", etc).

I'm amazed by people who move on. I'm actually more amazed by people who get back together.

Chery · Sep 16, 2007, 04:05 AM

Yes, but your goal here is to be 'amazed' at yourself.

It will be amazing to find that you can stand alone and enjoy life. It will be amazing that you can socialize again without thinking that your right or left arm is missing. You need to work on the 'whole' you, and not on any appendages.

What happens once you have gone through this stage of 'mourning' is going to amaze you too. There is a whole world out there with people constantly changing. Nobody is standing still, they all keep going, no matter what.

Look around, almost every 4th person out there shares a history like your's at present, or in the past.. and that they all keep going.

Welcome to the real world.

That's why we envy children.

talaniman · Sep 16, 2007, 04:05 AM

You will have a really hard time, if you do not commit fully to your own healing, and accept that is what you have to do. If it means new friends, then do so. Stop and think, he is use to being friends with his exes, so how attractive can you be to him at this time? Disappear from his life, and get one of your own, and stop this false hope that hits you every time you hear his name. We have all been through this, and healing is the only way to go, as you have invested far more into this than he has, so now you must back it up, and get your own happiness back, without him. You will have bad days, but eventually they will become less, and then you can look around and see the life you can have.

talaniman · Sep 16, 2007, 04:56 AM

I pray to be with him and keep "hoping". And of course that doesn't get me anywhere in the healing process.

I know what you mean, and it is a very hard thing to keep the emotions in check, and be happy, and very honestly the healing process is very hard to go through. Almost anything, even our own thoughts, can throw us off. But the rewards are well worth it. You will be a better and stronger person for it. Hang in there.

Sad Soul · Sep 16, 2007, 10:14 AM

Thanks for your messages Talaniman. I'm very off today and keep thinking of being with him again. I'm trying to take my mind off things by focusing on school and my career... but despite wanting to do that, I'm back in a stage of being baffled and insecure about the world. It's like I don't trust life as much anymore.. It's just one of those days where I can't believe reality is as it is.

Something else scares me. My friend Donald still contacts his girlfriend, but finds her annoying and wishes she would stop loving him. I don't understand... wouldn't a guy just not contact his ex in this case? It got me thinking that maybe my ex contacts me out of obligation. But then I think that's profound because he contacts me "so damn much".

Or actually, it's died down a bit more since when he calls, emails or comes back into town, I won't speak to him, write back, or call him back. Is this action pushing him away? Or am I doing the right thing? I have no idea what to do... and I do, for the most part, just let it be and try to live my life... but sometimes the pain is truly unbearable. I know I can live without him, but I feel as though I can't.

Ash123 · Sep 16, 2007, 10:27 AM

One of the #1 questions that comes up a lot here is....If I ignore the person that broke up with me, will that drive them away? The answer is simply: NO.

Stay out of the FRIEND ZONE - until you truly want to be in it... Otherwise you are going to suffer. He can have you as a friend in a few years if, when you are ready.
Get it? It's your time frame now - not his...

There is nothing wrong with holding your ground. It does NOT make things worse.
We struggle to feel in control of a relationship after it has gone bad, and one way is to give our actions undue power. The BREAKER knows that the BREAKEE has been hurt and will not respond unless the proper (in the mind of the breakee) words, actions have been displayed over time - and even then it is up to the breakee if it's too little too late.

One exception I've seen: If a woman in a long-term relationship (and both parties are over 25) breaks with a man because she just doesn't feel properly respected, loved, supported. Then, if the man is contacted, he can emphasize his support for her in a specific way, because she may feel like the breakee - despite being the breaker... And even then, his words should be to the point and let her think.

Chery · Sep 16, 2007, 10:35 AM

Sad Soul.. HE IS FEELING SORRY FOR YOU.

That's what guys almost always feel first. Sorry for the girl they left, because they know how hard it's going to be. Some think it is doing them a favor by maintaing contact, but it's unfair to the gal. It's also an ego problem on the dude's side.. he's flattered that the girls is so broken up beause of him.

Your friend Donald gave give you insight of what a guy thinks and feels after a break-up, but each is also unique, so don't take all at face value.

Your healing process is not just going to let you live a life, it's going to save your life... it will stop it from standing still and get you to grow. You don't stop growth when you've reached physical maturity, it keeps going on.. that mind of ours is an amazing thing.

Sad Soul · Sep 16, 2007, 12:28 PM

Originally Posted by Chery

Sad Soul.. HE IS FEELING SORRY FOR YOU.

That's what guys almost always feel first. Sorry for the girl they left, because they know how hard it's going to be. Some think it is doing them a favor by maintaing contact, but it's unfair to the gal. It's also an ego problem on the dude's side.. he's flattered that the girls is so broken up beause of him.

Your friend Donald gave give you insight of what a guy thinks and feels after a break-up, but each is also unique, so don't take all at face value.

Your healing process is not just going to let you live a life, it's going to save your life... it will stop it from standing still and get you to grow. You don't stop growth when you've reached physical maturity, it keeps going on.. that mind of ours is an amazing thing.

I'm sure, like you have said Cherry, that a part of him does pity me or feel sorry for me. I'm the girl that, after a year of breakup, is still in love with him. Like you also said, every situation is unique... so I think a part of him does care about me. But I don't know what's what - or what it is exactly is... or why we can't be together.

I hope to God that I become a better person, smarter person, more secure person, etc while we have this time apart. I hope this time apart is so that we can better ourselves and then be ready for each other.

And that thought is probably not healthy either? I just miss my best bud. I feel like family died or something.

Ash123 · Sep 16, 2007, 12:58 PM

"I know I should stay out of the friend zone and I struggle to do so. I miss him dearly, but that is the only way to heal..."

Agreed.

Yes, It's trading one kind of pain for another... BUT the pain of separation lessens with time, once there is an end...
While the pain of "hanging on" stays the same: Ouch.

Sad Soul · Sep 16, 2007, 02:45 PM

Originally Posted by Ash123

"I know I should stay out of the friend zone and I struggle to do so. I miss him dearly, but that is the only way to heal..."

Agreed.

Yes, It's trading one kind of pain for another...BUT the pain of separation lessens with time, once there is an end...
while the pain of "hanging on" stays the same: Ouch.

Yeah it is easier not to see him... but I'm suffering the consequences of us drifting apart and not knowing things about each other. This frightens the hell out of me.

And I'm really fearing that I have pushed him away when there may have been many chances of him trying to get us back together or to get communication going. He is very very shy, so I know he would never come out and just say it.

On Christmas he called me and I wouldn't call him back. He messaged me wishing me a merry Christmas. Again I did not respond. He came by the next day and gave my mother my gift. He even had a box of chocolates for my family. This memory of not calling him back haunts me. I thought at the time that contact with him was unbearable.

I was too fearful to get communication going again. I love him so much, but I realize I'm not ready to be friends at all. Like, I can't go from being so close to him and kissing his face, to being just friends. I love all the advice everyone is giving me here... but a part of me is desperately waiting for someone to suggest a magic spell.

Ash123 · Sep 16, 2007, 03:01 PM

Originally Posted by Sad Soul

Yeah it is easier not to see him...but I'm suffering the consequences of us drifting apart and not knowing things about eachother. This frightens the hell out of me.

And I'm really fearing that I have pushed him away when there may have been many chances of him trying to get us back together or to get communication going. He is very very shy, so I know he would never come out and just say it.

On Christmas he called me and I wouldn't call him back. He messaged me wishing me a merry Christmas. Again I did not respond. He came by the next day and gave my mother my gift. He even had a box of chocolates for my family. This memory of not calling him back haunts me. I thought at the time that contact with him was unbearable.

I was too fearful to get communication going again. I love him so much, but I realize I'm not ready to be friends at all. Like, I can't go from being so close to him and kissing his face, to being just friends. I love all the advice everyone is giving me here...but a part of me is desperately waiting for someone to suggest a magic spell.

Ok, remember: He came by at X-MAS AFTER you didn't call him back.
And what did he do? He brought chocolates... CLEARLY, CLEARLY, CLEARLY, you did not push him away. He could have spoken to you or asked to discuss a reunion if he wanted. He did not. He brought candy. Nice - but not nice enough...

Not calling DOES NOT push people away... If they have something to say or email or write that is substantial THEN you can respond. Don't torture yourself... well, how about just torturing yourself... less :-)

To give yourself a break, why don't you tell him that you think "your relationship is one that was one of love and "more than friends" and since that is not what you have now, it's easier for you not to communicate right now.....But one day I can do that when I am in the right spot...."

Then, he knows how you feel. Your work is over. Go silent and don't live with regrets.

And good things will happen. You may be surprised-it may someone else that fills your head.

talaniman · Sep 16, 2007, 03:48 PM

Yeah it is easier not to see him... but I'm suffering the consequences of us drifting apart and not knowing things about each other. This frightens the hell out of me.

You aren't drifting apart, your broken up, and getting on with life.

Sad Soul · Sep 16, 2007, 05:45 PM

Originally Posted by Ash123

Ok, remember: He came by at X-MAS AFTER you didn't call him back.
And what did he do? He brought chocolates.....CLEARLY, CLEARLY, CLEARLY, you did not push him away. He could have spoken to you or asked to discuss a reunion if he wanted. He did not. He brought candy. Nice - but not nice enough....

Not calling DOES NOT push people away....If they have something to say or email or write that is substantial THEN you can respond. Don't torture yourself...well, how about just torturing yourself....less :-)

To give yourself a break, why don't you tell him that you think "your relationship is one that was one of love and "more than friends" and since that is not what you have now, it's easier for you not to communicate right now.....But one day I can do that when I am in the right spot...."

Then, he knows how you feel. Your work is over. Go silent and don't live with regrets.

And good things will happen. You may be surprised-it may someone else that fills your head.

I wish I could give a hundred greenies here. That's the perfect thing to say to him. I guess I knew that's how I felt, but it's nice to see someone put it in words. I can't give you a greenie, but thank you very much for your post. Thanks to everyone actually. This does help.

And on a side note, he bought me a ceramic curling iron for Christmas... which is what I wanted but never bought because it was too expensive. The chocolates were for my family.
But yeah you are right that it wasn't nice enough... because the perfect gift is his love and us getting back together.

I know he said he could see how much I love him and that I'm the girl who loved him the "most" in life, but he also had said he only felt friendship for me. The reason why I hang on and pray so much is because the deep and strong friendship he has for me always makes me think that it could change to a deep love one day.

Ash123 · Sep 16, 2007, 08:55 PM

A curling iron!

Now that's LOVE!!!!!!

Oh dear. Love makes us all a little crazy. It's safe to say that he did you a favor. And your next - yes your NEXTTTTTTTT man, will have more than a curling iron to give you. His heart will be included too... Men go crazy for women that take the good with the bad. It makes them feel empowered too. Be that woman now for someone new... enough with "what's his name" - a good friend is nice... but thank god you didn't marry him. Or you wouldn't be writing me, you'd be writing a divorce attorney - and they are a lot more expensive.

Sad Soul · Sep 16, 2007, 09:42 PM

Yeah it confuses me because he acts like a very good friend... and I got him nothing for Christmas... and I never called or messaged him.
And no Ash... he does not try to get me gifts that would make me think he's in love with me. He's stated over and over that we're best friends. But for me, I see the deep best friend love as a potential for turning into love again.

I'm so sorry for the way things turned out. I'm at the lowest point that I have been in months. I was doing okay for a while, and then it started hitting me again. This week I've bumped into so many of his friends, heard about him more than usual, etc, and it's all engraved his face into my mind again.

I know I should ignore him, just move on, focus on me... but I feel so weak right now.

LUK3Y · Sep 16, 2007, 10:04 PM

Yep. Sometimes I'm higher than a kite... and sometimes I find myself wishing for her 2 walk back into my life (which leaves me 2 taking the blame for our breakup).

mckenzie134 · Sep 16, 2007, 10:27 PM

No blame she lost a great guy, only time and patience will she see what she gave up they ALWAYS do realise one day normally when its to late...

Ash123 · Sep 17, 2007, 09:15 AM

Originally Posted by LUK3Y

Yep. Sometimes im higher than a kite... and sometimes i find myself wishing for her 2 walk back into my life (which leaves me 2 taking the blame for our breakup).

DUDE... trust me. Your life is not over. Print this page out and you will look back and laugh one day about this chick! You are SUPPOSED to hurt at this age... as f-'d up as that seems.
That's how we become better people, lovers, mates... if you don't - you will not be good later... the funny thing is you need to hurt MORE... (more times, more girls, to get where you want to get in life) really...

Hang in there bud

trishette · Sep 19, 2007, 08:28 AM

Read my post and you will KNOW how much I understand and have compassion for you! I heard a saying once, "with every goodbye...you LEARN." I did the pushing away as well because of many different reasons. When he had finally "had it" and said he did NOT want the relationship anymore, it FORCED me to look at MYSELF. I did not know the true meaning of love because it didn't come in a manuel when I was growing up. Relationships were never logical to me. Many times we are in a co dependent whirlwind without ever realizing it. As much as I have been hurting over this last breakup, it has turned me to seeking professional help. We can't love in a healthy way until we look within ourselves and CHANGE those defense mechanisms which were forming themselves and insulating themselves since childhood. It really is about believing in something greater than yourself to show you the way to a stable, sound, mature, non fearing mindset. The depression and anxiety is a cylce which really can be broken. As hard and painful as it is, dear one, you have to keep "laying it down" even if it is moment to moment. I know your pain and just wanted to give you encouragement to keep believing you CAN have a life outside this man. Yes, I have had to battle every night for the past 3 weeks, the emptiness of missing his phone calls before I went to bed each night. We were planning a life together. It hurts. There are days I have to force myself out of the house to go places without him. As for the wishing and the praying? Well, I concentrate not so much anymore about having him back in my life as I do on seeking health, energy, widom, and learning how to change MY destructive behavior and conquer the fear. Yes.. you are still mourning... I know I mourned more than a year after my father died. Eventually, I sought grievance counseling because I missed him so much. For me, I had a great deal of rejection and abandonment issues which have wired me to react the way I do. These are the very issues I am working on today to be a better person tomorrow. Remember... "with ever goodbye...you LEARN."