[emopunk7]

He emailed you, which is great. Let him keep updating you. Don't beg or smother him. He needs to be alone. If he wants you, he knows you are waiting. Just hold on and be patient for him.

[rol]

Yes let him work on his issues, for this he will need to be alone,
I think its fantastic he is getting help and trying to understand himself.

As hard as it is I would keep this to yourself as you do not want anyone gossiping about your business.Perhaps find one good friend you an confide and trust.

Now you need to focus on you . Keep strong and do not become a miserable wreck or that may reinforce in him his fear of marriage.

[ceriphante]

First up sorry to see your situation that is really tough.
I'll take another point of view on this though to perhaps consider.
OK he's broken it off with you... now what... well.. maybe this is a blessing in disguise, you get to be single and live the single life and not have any headaches/arguments/problems with a guy in your life, maybe go out and try to enjoy yourself, meet more guys, get to know them as friends nothing more for a few months, build up a new social circle and try to enjoy your life you only get one you know, why spend it pining over someone who has just completely betrayed you?

Anyway that's my raving looney perspective for you :P

[rol]

He has not betrayed her, he is trying to work through his fear and is getting help.

[emopunk7]

Lets all be a little honest and stop trying to bring this poor woman's hope up. It's pretty much over and it should be dealt with that way so that it can be easier on her. Prepare for the worst! Low expectations bring happy endings!

[ceriphante]

He has not betrayed her, he is trying to work through his fear and is getting help.

I disagree, if he'd wanted to not betray her he'd have not broken up with her suddenly and with no rational reason, he'd have sought help FIRST rather than being selfish and potentially breaking her heart. I know that fear can cause irrational actions but jeez you've been with someone for four years, I think by then you'd surely have developed enough communication between you and your partner to clearly be able to talk first then act.. for all you know his REAL reason for splitting might be another woman Rol, who knows really hey?

[helpnow]

Well I have asked him this question - why not get help before he even asked me to marry him or why not sit down with me and have an adult conversation about his fear and seek... he said that he felt OK with everything prior to coming back from our Hawaii trip and it was the instant planning that felt just rushed and so he didn't feel this intense anxiety about getting married until post engagement. His counselor suggested he start writing down his emotions - some for him to have to himself and others specifically for me to read and he said he was going to start on that today... he has his second appt with his counselor tomorrow and said he would call me and let me know how it went. Ultimately I do feel betrayed, but a part of me is grateful that he did it now rather than a week before the wedding or even worse, married and than not happy. So I hope regardless of if we stay together that counseling will help both of us... I just logically can't understand why he would want to break up after our history and the fact that we haven't had a bad relationship. I personally think that it is the "forever" factor and he thinks there will be this bait and switch and once married all the good parts of a relationship will slowly fade and be left with a monotonous unhappy life together... why he thinks this I have no idea. I personally think marriage is what you make it, and if he wants a happy marriage well he needs to fix himself before we can even consider that as an option. I am hoping after a few months of individual counseling we can do a couples counseling thing... but that will depend on his progress emotionally - I am not going to make myself vulnerable again unless I feel his getting back together is 100% committed and sincere.

[emopunk7]

Exactly... Just let him call you. When he does, don't bombard him with questions... Let him speak mostly and tell him you understand and just be supportive... After all, you do want to be his wife, right? Be strong. Whatever is meant to be, will be.

[helpnow]

A hard part is hearing people's criticisms, like a good friend of mine at work, my family... they all think it isn't worth the effort and just move on. I find it very hard to emotionally stay invested when I am not getting any reassurance from his end that he wants to get back together and I have my family telling me move on I don't deserve this. Why am I the only one that thinks that what we have, four years invested, is of course worth waiting - yes he was and is acting like an and went about things wrong, and yes I don't deserve this... but at the end of the day I still love him and want to work things out... why is that so hard for people to understand. I feel like if we do decide to work things out and get back together that I have to justify my decision to my family, his decision to break off the engagement and the relationship not only ruined my trust with him but also the trust my parents had with him. It is a complicated mess now and I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel. :(

[talaniman]

This guy is suffering from a flaw he is trying to correct and no matter what anyone says or feels you must acknowledge his efforts. Hurt as you are what would you do if you were married to him and he had issues to deal with? Think very hard before you abandon him, as then his fears would be realized, and you would have proven him correct. Maybe life is letting you both know that neither of you is ready for the kind of commitment it takes to sustain a marriage, and maybe you should get your issues dealt with first. If you can't support him now, I really doubt you will support him after the I DO's are said. So stop blaming him for messing something up that may not have been there on your part either. Your friends and family can go to hell as this is your decision, to practice what you've been preaching here and doing the right thing by you both.

[helpnow]

You have got to be kidding me... I feel that I have been MORE than supportive considering the hell he has put me through this past week. The fact that I am even willing to wait around and be patient while he works on himself, while not even giving me any reassurance he even wants to get back together, is proof in and of itself. His actions have broken a trust and that doesn't mean I am contemplating me not wanting to work it out, because I do want to work it out and that has never changed. My point was that after going through this kind of turmoil to even think about getting back together it requires a little give and take and I am feeling like I am not getting any reassurance from him. You are working under the assumption he is going to go to counseling and see the error of his ways... my worst fear is that I am sitting over here holding out hope and he comes to me and tells me it really is over. I think I have reason to have my reservations on whether to trust him right now. I haven't said or even mentioned abandoning him... HE ABANDONED ME!! And yet here I am STILL... HOPING AND WAITING HE WILL GET HELP AND COME TO HIS SENSES. I can only give so much before I need some emotional something in return that tells me he wants to work through this to get back together... of course not getting that instills anger and distrust from me.

[Matt3046]

Sorry about your situation. My answer is a bit different that most though. Here are my honest thoughts. It sounds like your guy is scared of commitment, and possibly got in over his head. Down time could go one of 2 ways: 1. He realizes that he has lost the best thing that ever happened to him, aka, you, and he will call and get on with things or 2. He really does not want to get married and maybe that pushed him over the edge. After the balls were rolling, he felt like he could not go back to dating because of the wedding planning. In this case, he will move on.
Ask yourself though, if he is this shady about things now, it will probably only get worse if you did marry the guy. What if you got pregnant? Its hard to undo a pregnancy and the birth of a child. Seriously, I think if you guys were talking about marriage a few weeks ago and he has already bailed, he probably will not be a life long partner that you can depend on to not run away. I know this is blunt, but it is truly the way that I feel about this.
Too many people view marriage as like a temporary condition, or as trivial as where to go out to eat. Girls marry these losers with the expectation that they are real men. Men can be boys, but boys cannot be men! Good Luck!

[helpnow]

Well he has said that ideally he wants counseling to go well and down the line get couples couneling to possibly get back together...

[rol]

That was really perfectly said Tal.

After being in a similar situation last year I can only say how unready I was for marriage also.

For now let him go work on his issues , you go and work on yours also.

I would suggest you agree on a break of 6 months to see if you are both really ready for this type of commitment, that way he is not going to feel stressed to come to a decision before he is really ready.

Again, please keep family and friends out of it, its your private life. They will give him more stress that he does not need right now.

[mckenzie134]

Ive read up on your posts an I know how you feel I waS in similar situation for 3 1/2 years and my ex was unsure after all that time.

Well you have to give space but like me you ill be feeling betrayeD HOW COULD HE DO THIS TO YOU. You are probably thinking he has ruined a great relationship just like me !m Well he has and the reaon he has is because his selfish and only thinking about himself... Honestly if he had your feelings at heart he would not be doing this!


Now here it is! ITS SIMPLE IF HE REALLY LOVED YOU THAT MUCH HE WOULD NOT BE DOING WHAT HE IS DOING NOW. I Don't CARE IF HE SAYS I NEED Counseling, IF HE REALLY LOVED YOU THAT MUCH HE WOULD NOT BE TAKING THE RISK WHICH HE IS TAKING NOW!! TELLING YOU HE NEEDS A BREAK TO SEE WHAT HE WANTS IN LIFE IS NOT GOOD BECAUSE IT MEANS HE IS THINKING MAYBE ITS NOT YOU WHEN HE SHOULD BE THINKING I NEED HER AND IF HE DID THINK THAT HE Wouldn't BE DOING THIS HED BE TO SCARED OF LOSING YOU.

I KNOPW YOU WANT THIS GUY AND WHY Wouldn't YOU HE IS Probably A GREAT GUYT AND 4 YEARS OF PLEASURE AND FUN TOGETHER.

BUt his stuffed it yourve got to stand up for yourself here, what you are doing is sAying what most people would say well he does need counseling and I hope he feels better and then we can be together.

WRONG WRONG WRONG!!

Its time for you to stand up and say hell if you don't know what you want after 4 years and need a counselor your losing me!! That's what needs to be said here, if he completley loves you and realises he is going to lose you he won't need no bloody counselor!!

He needs to be shown that you don't and won't stand for this anyone who need to see someone to know if they Want someone else does not really want that person.

IF YOU WANT HIM YOU MUST WAKE HIM UP HE Doesn't NEED A Counselor WHAT HE DOES NEED IS ONE HELL OF A FRIGHT AND THAT WILL ONLY HAPPEN IF YOU TELL HIM YOURVE HAD ENOUGH AND YOUR DOING YOUR OWN THING NOW!! HE WILL KICK STRAIGHT INTO LINE HE Doesn't WANT TO LOSE YOU AND IF HE DOESHE DOESNTLOVE YOU.. dO THIS RIGHT NOW HAVE SOME PRIDE AND Don't LET HIM WALK ON YOU CAUSE I GUARANTEE IF YOU Don't DO THIS HE WILL BE GONE EVEN AFTER YOU GET MARRIED!!

DO IT NOW WAKE THIS JERK UP GIVE HIM A DOSE OF WHAT HE DESERVES!! HE Doesn't KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO LOSEYOU YET BECAUSE HES BELIEVING You're THERE AND YOU ARE TELL HIM YOUR VE HAD ENOUGH Don't BE SCARED DO IT NOW RING HIM UP. Don't GET UPSET IF YOU THINK HE WILL JUST SAY OK That's FINE THINK ABOUT IT IF HE Doesn't COMETO YOU THEN HE Doesn't WANT YOU. TELL HIM YOUR THROUGH DO IT NOW THEN Don't FOLD Don't Don't SPEAK FOR A WEEK YOUR BETTERTHN ALL THIS CRAP HE WILL KICK INTO GEAR WHEN HE REAISES YOUR OFF... DO IT NOW

Don't JUST TELL HIM WELLIM GUNA LEAVETHAT WONTWORK HE HAS TO BELIEVE HISLOST YOU.HE WILL Probably SAY WELL IM GETTING Counseling AND TRYING, WELL Don't FALL FOR THAT JUST SAY OH That's FINE YOU STICK WITH THE COUNCELLIG I THINK THAT WILL HELP YOU AND MAYBE IF IM STILL AVAILABLE WHEN YOUR READY WE CA SEE WHAT HAPPENS, THEN TELL IM FORNOW YOUR GOING TO GO OUT AND ENJOY THE BREAK AND SEE WHAT LIFE HOLDS FOR YOU... That's IT SIMPLE SAY IT NOW... HE WILL FIRE UP THEMAKESURE YOU HANG UP AND THEN Don't ANSWER AND IF YOU HAVE TO JUST TELL HIM WHEN HE RINGSLISTEN YOU Haven't HAD ENOUGH OF A BREAK AND TELL HIM HE NEEDS MORE TIME AND THEN SAY IVE Got to GO AND HANG UP. HE HASTO LEARN You're the PRIZE... M

THIS IS NOT AGAME IF ANYONE SAYS THAT ITS CRAP ITS JUST HAVING SOME RESPECT AND STANDING UP FOR YOURSELF SHOW HIM YOU ARE WORTH GETTING HE WILL BE DYING O-ING YOUR GONE ANDALL HE WILL THINK About ISWHATA GREAT CATCH SOMEONE WILL SWEEP HER OFF HER FEET IM LOSING MY CHANCE IVE Got to GET HER BACK!!

[rol]

Sorry but I totally disagree with all the above

"DO IT NOW WAKE THIS JERK UP GIVE HIM A DOSE OF WHAT HE DESERVES!!! HE DOESNT KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO LOSEYOU YET BECAUSE HES BELIEVING YOURE THERE AND YOU ARE TELL "

If she does this and he comes back before he is ready the underlying issue will still be there and history will repeat itself.
She needs to give him the space he needs to deal with his issues and they both need to decide if they are really ready for marriage commitment.

[mckenzie134]

Soory rol I disagree he doesntneed a counselor. If he really loved her he would not do this. He is a guy cmon I don't think you understand you are not thinking right you are speaking from the perspective of a woman. Give him space let him breath. Guys don't need space to miss you that's a girls thing. Guys need to be shown that there girl is going to be getting bent over by another bloke that brings real love to a guy feeling that his girl is going to be taken by another gut. Don't say that's childishstuff its not!!

Guys love girls when they are losing them girls love guys when missingthem!!
!!

[rol]

OK SO LETS TRY UR SCENARIO:She gives him a wake up call , what happens then? He comes back tomorrow and in 1 month he will decide again he is still afraid of marriage!
Do you think she should keep trying this strategy you are talking about all through her married life??

Lets get real here.

She can show him she is strong and tell him that they need to separate for 6 months so they can decide if they are both really ready for marriage. During that time they both will feel a real absence and know if they are ready or not for marriage commitment.

[mckenzie134]

Yes I was not talking about taking him back straight away maybe give him a couple of weeks and then let him back

[talaniman]

I like the point you make Rol, as this glitch will define there relationship. How they work through this problem will either make them stronger, or show them where the work needs to be done, and see who's willing to work together. He must have time and space to get through his issues, and she must work on her feelings, so they can slowly build that communication between them. It's the same thing for you Mac as as much as you duck your own issues, it has left you stuck and bitter, because you have to deal with the root issue of the problem, to even see what it is to be worked on. Even after the wedding debacle, I think they both are seeing the need to know what they want, and do what it takes to get it, and I think it was a good thing that these facts are out in the open where actions can be taken. For sure they will talk together, and define what they both want and work for it, or go there separate ways, and that's the whole point. Its so easy to go with the flow, until that flow gets interupted by a rock in the stream, and the course has to be changed, that's life, and talking about the next step or what the course of action will be, is important in building a life together. Neither can make a real decision until his counseling is over, and her emotions have settled, as if their was honest communications in the first place this relationship would not be floundering. If he had addressed his fears, she would not have moved forward in the first place, so now here we are, trying to work through a big emotional limbo.