[Valkyie88]

Hey people. I really appreciate all your advice. I really wish it would be as easy as just patting myself on the back and pick myself up. I've been in this situation for a while before her. It wasn't exactly like I started like this, just to make that clear. After HS I fought hard to follow my career to be a pilot. I was already slightly depressed by the time I graduated because of personal events within my family and it didn't put me in a good position. During my evaluation period I went to a concert with my friends, first time ever. I ended up with a permanent form of tinnitus. Basically a type of hearing damage where your ears will not stop ringing. I can still hear everything perfectly except with a sound in the background much like the high pitched hissing those old fat TV's used to emit. That led to me become "emotionally compromised" during the aptitude testing phase and got me dropped. It pretty much cascaded from there.

And yes Ivaaa you're totally right. It felt like me and her connected on a level I couldn't connect with anyone else. She was broken like me. But at the same time she gave me a cause; to be strong for the both of us. She was the one that kept chasing after me, she made me believe that there might be something worthwhile to fight for on this world after all. I WISH I could find the strength within myself like before. But I have been looking since I was 20 and the concert incident occurred. And now I seem to be back at square one. I just NEED to get out of here because its killing me. I wish time could erase everything, but I can't wish the pain away. I lost so many young precious years watching life pass me by... I told her all of this and she understood, yet she condemned me to this just as easily. That makes it easier to get over her, yes. But it will not help me get on with my life. I'm looking for a good psychologist but I do see it as a last ditch resort.

[vanheart]

Sorry to hear that.
Get it?

I have hearing damage too. From playing bass in bands. It was standing next to the symbols that did it.
Firstly a Parliament show. That took a week to get over.

But forget the excuses. We can make them until the cows come home. That's easy.
If this is all about your hearing damage, then I would make that your #1 priority.
Getting that manageable.

For whatever hardships, we are all human. Choose how we want to spend our lives.
Happy, sad, aware, whatever.. To choose. That's what separates us from monkeys. Getting off our a$$es.

"I lost so many young precious years watching life pass me by"
Sounds like that was way before. The concert or her.

So stop that. Sometimes that involves reinventing & changing.
Facing our fears.

Getting out more. Start exploring.

Removing what's bad, creating what's good.

Keep talking to your therapist.

[talaniman]

Just because life knocks you down doesn't mean you have to stay down. Whatever life throws at you, you have a choice of how you handle it, and the more human tools you have in your human box, the better to do the job of managing YOURSELF.

I think it starts with the basic acceptance of self, flawed as that may be, so we can love ourselves and do the right things for ourselves... no matter what any other human or condition does to us.

We are all flawed, and burdened by one thing or another, and its never easy to overcome our own flaws, let alone be burdened by the flaws of another. We can only thrive and survive, and keep working at being better, by learning, and growing through our own experience.

Let go of the past, that's the lesson of this whole experience, as it was great while it lasted, but now that its over, let it go, and prepare to move forward, and do better next time. There is always a next time, as you learn to deal with yourself, your feelings, your world, and be happy with yourself. Its only as hard as you make it, or as good as you let it be. Depends on how you see it, how you see yourself. Be good to yourself.

[slapshot_oi]

She destroyed your future? Oh come on.

My entire life has been nothing more than a series of unfortunate events leading up to my currents situation. It would take a novel to describe...

Your recent break-up has you obsessing over your ex, but your real problem is that you focus on the past and all things negative and you act as if your life is a hell that no one else can understand. This is a lie and you know it.

You're miserable and, from what I'm reading, it sounds like you want to change that. So, change it! Yes, it can be done, but like vanheart pointed out, you need to get your butt in gear. Don't wait around for someone, like your ex, to rescue you. You're the man, not the damsel in distress.

My advice: banish your ex and anyone else who causes you pain—this includes family members—and associate only with those who have a positive attitudes. If you're doing it right, it should seem uncomfortable, foreign and completely forced, this is a good thing.

[njrugger]

Hey Valk, how are things holding up? You said you would see a psych doc as a last ditch effort? Why? If you found out you had a deadly disease, would you first attempt to treat it with over-the-counter meds? Of course not. You'd want to get the best possible help and nip it in the bud before it gets worse. There's no shame in seeing a doc. I was hesitant at first. My mom recommended I go for years because of my anger and depression. I felt like if I went I'd be admitting there was something wrong with me. It took a painful breakup to accept this fact. And I regret not having gone sooner. Maybe we'd still be together if I'd had, but I'm not going to dwell on that because what's done is done and I can only change the future.

How did it go, by the way? Meeting your ex?

Where are you from? It says you're from Amsterdam but you said you visited NYC with her.

[Valkyie88]

Hi njrugger. Yeah I'm actually from the Hague, its pretty close to Amsterdam but so is everything else in this tiny country. She lives in Long Island so it was a long distance thing we had going on. I don't necessarily see any shame in seeking professional help, I just didn't think a psychologist could tell me anything I didn't know already. But like you, this breakup made me reevaluate that stance. I still don't see that much in going, but I will because like I said before, I'm at the point where I would try anything. And I haven't met her here yet, she doesn't have a passport and it takes a few weeks to get one in the US apparently. It doesn't make things easier either, because at this point I really want to have this part behind me.

[njrugger]

Hey Valk. How've you been?

[Valkyie88]

Hey, been doing OK. I have my ups and downs. I've found a psych and there's an appointment scheduled for next month. I still feel empty most of the time, but I believe that will pass in time. Other than that, there's a girl from my past that I'm trying to reach. She was someone I had feelings for, but I was "friend-zoned" by her. She honestly enjoyed talking to me so it was very painful to stop talking to her, I had to because talking to her was even more painful in the end. I think I got over it though, so maybe she can help me get over the girl that ditched me. Hope I'm still making sense here. Still no luck reaching her though, since at the time I cut all ties to her and all I have is a mail address. No response yet. Maybe she hasn't checked it. Or maybe she doesn't want to talk to me after I told her I couldn't talk to her anymore. Wouldn't blame her at all. Anyway thanks for checking.

[talaniman]

Depending on a long gone female friend in times of emotional need is not a great idea, I don't think.

Family and friends are a better support system.

[njrugger]

Dude! Valk, you and I are very much alike. I too have had my ups and downs. I'm still reminded of her constently and the breakup still seems fresh in my mind though it's been over two months. But I have also reached out to a girl from my past; a girl I haven't spoken to since high school but whom I've thought about every so often since then. I still haven't heard from her and its been 3 weeks (I messaged her on Facebook but I don't think she goes on too often).

I'm so glad to hear about the psych! I truly hope he helps. And if not, don't be afraid to look elsewhere. I went to a doctor 2 years ago and wasn't pleased with him so I left.

Feel free to keep in touch. I'm always here if you want to talk.

[Valkyie88]

Thanks for the support nj. I think its people like you and others here that really deserve something good to happen to them. And talananiman, I understand what you mean but the girl I mentioned was actually a really great friend. She helped me get over someone before and I definitely believe that she could alleviate my stress a great deal. The difference between her and the girl that ditched me, is the fact that she was always honest and sincere. She never lead me on the way the one that broke my heart did. I already got over her a long time ago, and I really believe I could just talk to her as a friend, even though she is ridiculously gorgeous. Honestly right now I'm not looking for a relationship anyway since I'm still hurting a lot. One of the worst things right now is the fact that I literally can't move on even if I really wanted to.

The girl that dumped me owes me over a thousand dollars. She was kicked out of the house a lot and I lent her money from time to time so she could get a motel room, it kind of added up. Sometimes I literally went out in the middle of the night to drive to a money transfer office just so she could have a place to stay, but I was happy to do it just so I knew she was safe. Naturally I feel like the worlds biggest idiot right now. I'm completely torn between the memories where we video chatted and the second I came on there was the hugest smile on her face, and the fact that she literally left me in the cold and came back after 1.5 months to tell me that she fell in love with her "friend" (who I trusted her with.. the idiot that I am) And that her life is perfect now. She's barely online, last time was the 6th, and I just want to get this over with. I guess this just has to be as painful as humanly possible. It's odd but just when I think I'm actually over it, something sparks a good memory and I just mentally collapse again. Very painful.

Anyway, at the same time I'm very ashamed I got myself dragged into this. I remember that she made such a huge effort to win me over that I really started to believe she was a sure thing. Hell, she even made a song for me. Normally I'd kill to have someone that creative and dedicated.

[njrugger]

Don't be so hard on yourself. You're not an idiot for being kind and altruistic. Learn from your past but don't get down on yourself. I'm sorry to hear that she owes you so much money. I hope you get it back. But be prepared that it may never happen. But now you can be more careful in the future. That's not to say you should be cynical. You sound like a good caring guy. Don't let her ruin that. B/c then she really wins. Focus on your good qualities now and improve your bad ones. For me, this break up was a kick in the *** I needed. I'm starting to get better physically, mentally, and spiritually. Take this time to heal and grow. Scar tissue is stronger than skin.