[rol]

<<I know you don't see this friend but does he?>>

Oh stop making her even more insecure!!

[moyra]

If there is no evidence of him ever cheating on you why are you so insecure in the relationship? Are you happy with your life in general?

[Geoffersonairplane]

<<Deep down he must still fancy her or think she is attractive or whatever! Coz wouldnt he just said NO when i asked him again! Dont know what the hell he sees in her anyways.
Wouldnt you all think that?>>

No he wouldnt say no, because hes peeved off u are bringing it up again.
Anyhow so what if she is attractive, i bet you are also. Next time you can point out the attractive girls to him, thats the best way to get him to tell you how you are the best ;-) and show that you are not insecure!!

It is no wonder he refuses to say No.. He is frustrated with the fact that you keep bringing this up.

You are actually creating the exact opposite of what you want to do!

You are pushing him away!

If you keep on pushing these insecurities you have onto him then you will push him away and into the arms of another girl...

And these are insecurities.. Being slightly jealous is quite a healthy feeling in a way but once it goes a little further, it becomes ugly by it's very nature.

And I don't mean to be harsh with what I am saying but if I were in his shoes, I would have said exactly the same thing (at that point) "I'm not answering that"..

[rol]

Totally agree with Geoff!!

And good question from Moyra also, why are you insecure??

Become a confident, happy , secure person, men like that!!

[flower81]

How?
How do I do that?

[rol]

<<How?
How do I do that? >>

How to become happy and secure?. well I guess you must be doing something OK as he asked you to marry him! But that is the most important thing that a guy needs, not someone who is afraid that he is going to cheat on her or leave her or find someone else.He does not want a needy and secure woman!!

Some tips... as I said he has to keep winning you! Don't be the needy insecure woman waiting for him every night, Be a bit of a mystery...

Some examples :

Don't drop all of your girl talk on him... ie: don't come home from work and talk about the girl gossip stuff that goes on during your day. But take it even one step further, and be a little mysterious about your day. Don't just lay it all out there for him. I'm not saying to play games with him... I'm saying that a little mystery about your life is always necessary, even when you are married. Example: one day I am wearing a new shirt, which I did not show to him after I bought it. He says "nice shirt, when did you get that?" I say "oh I met a friend for lunch last week and we decided to go shopping instead". And the questions begin: what friend? When was this? Where did you shop?The simple fact that he does not know your every move helps in creating mystery. Now he knows he has to ask questions about you in order to find out more about your day and your life... which causes him to pursue you for information. Any type of pursuit, to a guy, equates to some type romantic pursuit, even if only minimally.

Keep your life full.. get new activiteis and be busy ,If he has to compete for your time, he will be pursuing you and winning you.

Don't cook every night. Make sure there are "special" Sunday dinners, or "special" dinner night after he does some other thing for you. If you pamper him all the time every day, it tends to make him lazy and lose the drive to work toward winning you. But if instead, you are GOOD to him every day but only PAMPER him when he has done something to win you, he will try to win you more.

You want him, over time, to never lose the idea that he does in fact need to keep you around by using his seduction skills as a man. He wants to know you are his and that he can trust you, but he also needs to feel as if you can and will drift away if he loses his game.

[flower81]

Thanks rol, very informative.

In fact tonight he is working latish, he will be home at 7.30, so I won't have dinner ready for him, I will actually get a pizza take out instead.

I have dreams that he cheats on me... what does that really mean?
I also dream of me cheating.

Last night when I told him about my dream ,I had also told him previously that I dream that he cheats on me.. so last night he said that the dream might be reversed and it means I want to cheat on him :confused:

[rol]

Please flower stop this obsessing it will drive him away!!
I've read your posts from April , all needy and obssessy, start working on this problem right now!!

"1. I was the phone to my boyfriend. I called on his work mobile, 2 secs into the conversation his personal mob rings, he tells me to hold on, when he answered he cut me off.
2. I rang back and when I asked who called him he said... mmmm mmmmm, mc donalds called (coz he fixes their machines).. I was like yeah right. He said well if your going to be stroppy I don't want to talk to you and cut me off again!!

Should I call back?


He called me now.
He said sorry for hanging up on me, he said he is very stressed at d mo with work and didn't need me being on his case!

'Shall I believe him?
Sorry OK, I understand now. I don't know why I thought he spoke to other women.. again showing my insecurity, but then again why did he hesitate when I asked who he spoke to? And if mc donalds did call him, why on his personal mob and not work mob! Though his personal mob was used before for work before he got a new work mob with a different number!
I don't know '

[rol]

<<Infact tonight he is working latish, he will be home at 7.30, so I won't have dinner ready for him, I will actually get a pizza take out instead.
>>

I bet you are exhausted about thinking about him, for example if he gets back at 8.30 are you going to think he has been cheating on you??
Stop all that now!! And stop cooking him dinners!! WHAT DO YOU DO IN THE EVENINGS APART FROM WAIT FOR HIM TO GET HOME? You need a life also, he should not be all of it!

[rol]

Have you some issues from the past that could be causing all this insecutity?

Parents? Previous relationship ?

[Geoffersonairplane]

Last night when i told him about my dream ,i had also told him previously that i dream that he cheats on me.. so last night he said that the dream might be reversed and it means I wanna cheat on him :confused:

Actually, this is a very good point he made. Quite often, those people who accuse their partners of cheating have actually done or thought of doing this themselves in the past whether it be with their current partner or a past one.

I am not saying that this is you and that you have done this, I am just highlighting the fact that he brings up a very good point.

Why are you so insecure? Why do you obsess on him cheating so much?

Ask yourself these questions?

I'm not joking... SERIOUS.. You are going to drive this guy away! I can see this already from the way he is reacting to your comments..

[flower81]

<<Infact tonight he is working latish, he will be home at 7.30, so i wont have dinner ready for him, i will actually get a pizza take out instead.
>>

i bet you are exhausted about thinking about him, for example if he gets back at 8.30 are you going to think he has been cheating on you????????
Stop all that now!!!!! and stop cooking him dinners !!! WHAT DO YOU DO IN THE EVENINGS APART FROM WAIT FOR HIM TO GET HOME?? you need a life also, he should not be all of it !!

NOOOOOOOOOO
Last night he came back home at 10pm, he worked late again, fixing maxhines.

He called me at 9pm and joking asked - have u left me yet? In a sweet voice.

I was quite happy chilling at home alone.

I don't obsess too much

[rol]

OK good, you are not as bad as your threads sound then ;-)

But answer the other question "WHAT DO YOU DO IN THE EVENINGS APART FROM WAIT FOR HIM TO GET HOME?? "

And what did you reply when he asked "have u left me yet? in a sweet voice"

[ballybee]

This thread is starting to get out of hand.. I have read all these post that came up in the last three hours or so..

Flower 81.. lady, get over this incident and try to keep busy with other stuff so that you stop thinking about it..

However this does not mean that you stop being cautious if you have some doubt.. stop asking questions, get busy with your on stuff (that's also a way of getting some space)
And take sometime to observe..

Stop talking about cheating and calling the devil.. coz when you talk about him.. he comes over.. You may materialise your own fear by too much talking about them

Hopefully, there is nothing to be alarmed about... make some dinner tonight and play videogames or something.. it's always better when u find proper food at home esp. if u come late :)

[flower81]

and what did u reply when he asked "have u left me yet? in a sweet voice"

No, not yet anyway love
Is that bad??

[flower81]

ok good, you are not as bad as ur threads sound then ;-)"

How nice, thanks for the reassurance!

but answer the other question "WHAT DO YOU DO IN THE EVENINGS APART FROM WAIT FOR HIM TO GET HOME?? "

I study or I watch TV or I chat to mates on MSN or I get stoned and have a bubbly bath ;)

[ballybee]

Lool, no wonder you get to worry a lot... go out, do some sport, get friends to study with you at home... anyway I see you smiling.. I hope you keep this mood up for the evening :)

[Geoffersonairplane]

I study or i watch TV or i chat to mates on MSN or i get stoned and have a bubbly bath ;)

Are you sure getting Stoned is a good idea?

That causes paranoia in itself...

Ever thought about doing something healthy and positive, like going to the gym or something?

+ it might build up self-esteem..

A few year ago, I was feeling a bit low in self conficence, and IO set myself a goal.. I was going to get fit and run the London Marathon for charity.. I spent a whole year training and keeping fit and then did it.. I felt great, never better... Then I met my ex when I was at my very best...

I attracted her because I was a healthy and improved person. Confident! People can see a happy content person a mile away!

It is an up and down thing I believe though but now you may just need a change of lifestyle...

[moyra]

You get stoned, well now we see where the problem lies, does that not make you paranoid?

[valinors_sorrow]

More upset than angry!
No other problems

It is important to see things as they are, Flower, and there are other problems which relate to and feed into this one. You appear to not understand people very well, including yourself. You will eventually as you grow up more. And you are borrowing trouble on top of it as a result of that lack of understanding. My hope is when the trouble arrives, you'll be able to see your part--how you called it to you and learn not to do that again. And I see here how you repeatedly decline invitations to live in reality and stick to facts for a basis of your feelings. If you insist on giving dreams so much power as to create an unhealthy obssesion, then you are stuck suffering the consequences of that and nobody will be able to help that except you. I wish there was a softer, easier way but there isn't, dear Flower.

I just took it very much to heart to learn that he fancies someone else including me. He should just fancy me. If he said he finds her attractive, is different to saying he fancies her, right?

All people, including us girls, find people other than our partners attractive or fancy them, sweetie. That you are trying to dictate to him something that is a biological given about all people demonstrated how naïve you are. People who are this suspicious and controlling usually end up bitter and alone. Do you want that? That you can't seem to tell the difference between attraction and love is really surprising and any relationship you're in will suffer as a result of that. Until you know that difference, trusting your partner, any partner will not be possible. I don't mean to sound mean here Flower but you are showing substantial signs that you are simply not mature enough to handle a relationship. I can appreciate how difficult it all must feel to you. This immaturity will either cause an end to this current relationship and thereby give you time to do some growing up or you will find a way to grow up while hopefully your boyfriend tolerates the childishness of some of your actions without building up a resentment. I can see from here he is already a bit fed up about that girl and your paranoia, as I believe most guys would be.

Think about who you want to be and which path works for you. Choose wisely. If you are interested in growing up as a way to solve this, there are numerous threads here that you might benefit reading in the relationship forum -- especially the ones about being needy. Good luck!