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talaniman · Sep 14, 2009, 01:59 PM

You can build self esteem by having a life that you enjoy without your partner. Then your happiness is tied to what you do, and not who your with.

You have to be happy with yourself, so you can share that with others. Another way to build self esteem, is to be your own person, and love yourself for who you are. Being proud of the things you do, and what you stand for.

flowerybeauty · Nov 4, 2009, 09:09 PM

I am in a relationship with a wonderful man and he's a lot older then me but somehow we have done okay for 2 years. We were friends before we dated so I kow him pretty well. He respects us so much he has never checked another women out.

Therefore, so far, its all m fault in the arguments that we get in.

I am desperate for some helpful advice or else he is going to leave me for sure this time. We have many fights and he tried to leave me twice but we ended up missing each other after 1 week.

I was in my own comfortable bubble of knowing where what and with who my boyfriend or my close ones were. I never knew it was a big deal until my boyfriend pointed out to me that I took away his individuality.

If I don't know where he is or what he s doing I go out of my mind.

Is there any way to get this control freak out of me without seeking counseling from a therapist?

emopunk7 · Nov 4, 2009, 09:41 PM

My ex and I would usually be home if not together... If not then with family out but we would text. Eventually when she knew I wasn't around, she would go out. First she said she was in church in Jersey with her family and another time she was out with a friend in front of her house. Then it got to the last time where she stood out allll night not caring that I was worried. So I guess some people will say that's my jealousy problem, but based on the relationship we had, I say it was very disrespectful. So if things are going as usual and he is out at the same place then I would just trust him. If things happen to change weekly and he doesn't let you know then I'd say you have a problem like I did. I really wish she didn't betray me and go behind my back especially since we spoke out it before... but she broke me. Then I guess since I did it back, she broke us. I am still dealing with it. I'm sure there is a reason for all this happening to me. I will see it soon. You can only trust him if he hasn't given you any reason to not trust him... My problem was anywhere she didn't want me to go, or I wasn't around, was where her exs were... Its too much to analyze so I'm just trying to accept it now. Good luck.

flowerybeauty · Nov 13, 2009, 09:52 PM

I'm dating a fantastic guy, he is very respectful of women and never looks them up and down. He does not even do it to me. We have a great relationship if nothing comes in between, then we argue and lalala like other relationships.

He got a laptop and I got curious so I checked out what we were going on. I saw a little bit of normal porn, only a few links BUT it bothered me so much that a year later he wants to get another laptop and I feel like crying.

I think I'm a good looking women but for some reason I cannot even think about him sitting in his room and watching porn... hes the best man I've ever met and I cannot deal with this.

I want to be able to think about this and say to myself "oh, its just porn, no biggie!"

How do people do that? Do they work at it or is it just personality?

When he told me that he is going to get another laptop since his broke about half a year ago... the first imagine popped up in my mind was him watching porn and I almost started crying.

Please, need all the help I can get

Thank you in advance

itried · Nov 13, 2009, 10:07 PM

Yes.

ALL men watch porn. There's no reason to get into the reasons because there are many and it's not important. It's the same as eating, farting, burping or even picking his nose. He does it and so does every other guy.

You just have to deal with it.

J_9 · Nov 13, 2009, 10:22 PM

Guys are visual creatures. Just because he watches porn doesn't mean he loves you less. Unless of course it is beginning to ruin your sex lives, your pocketbook and his job.

2ndTime · Nov 13, 2009, 11:34 PM

It's no big deal, unless he is addicted to porn.

flowerybeauty · Nov 14, 2009, 07:52 AM

Its no ruinging anything, everything is amazing, but for some reason I just feel uncomfortable when I thinking that he is sitting there and watching it

emopunk7 · Nov 14, 2009, 08:24 AM

Well all you can do is control your mind. Keep it to yourself before you make a mess out of something perfect and then you regret it in the future. If its not a problem between the two then deal with this yourself. Its good to keep a good relationship. When you get sad just come back here instead of telling him. We will help you through this. Just try to stop it because humans are humans. At least the two of you are together! Don't end up like everyone else here struggling with break ups. Stay strong and good luck!

xcarleex · Nov 14, 2009, 09:04 AM

I don't think it's a big deal.. he's with you not the girls in the movies, just let him have his liittle fantasy's because it isn't never going to happen lol.
And can I say not 'all' men watch porn, because my man doesnt:D he's just not interested its all fake anyway!

jmjoseph · Nov 14, 2009, 09:18 AM

If he is so wonderful, why did you feel you had to go into his laptop? Some things are not ours to investigate. Does he snoop through your things?

No, not all men look at porn. But there is a very high percentage that does. I do, sometimes. It does not make me love my wife any less. I simply adore my wife, and she does not have a problem with it.

As J-9 stated, men are visual. Most men enjoy looking at the female form. It is a type of art if tastefully done.

I think you might need to figure out why you are having a problem with your boyfriend getting a laptop. Are you insecure? A computer provides many services. And looking at porn might take up half of a percent of his time.

That's like dating someone who has a weight problem, and getting upset that they are getting a new car, because they may use it to drive to the ice cream shop.

All you need to know is that he is wonderful, and he loves you. You will ruin this relationship if don't get over this.

What type of guy will you end up with if you don't just let it go?

shazamataz · Nov 14, 2009, 09:53 AM

My partner wants to buy a laptop soon.
I have no doubt he will use it to look up porn.

As long as he looks at it when I am not home or busy then that is fine by me... our relationship is great, he can't help it if he is horny when I am not home and needs to have a look at porn to fulfil his urges, granted I am usually bombarded with messages begging me to send him a photo of myself but he is usually denied that :p
He gets points for trying though.

As long as your relationship and sex life is good then I wouldn't worry about it at all...
Have you ever looked at a billboard or a guy in a magazine and thought "he looks good"... same thing, guys just like to see the 'whole package" whereas us girls are more satisfied with just a guy with his shirt off.

paxe · Nov 14, 2009, 12:01 PM

It's pretty normal behavior, nothing is wrong with that. It doesn't mean he doesn't like you. Better porn than cheating lol.

mudweiser · Nov 14, 2009, 12:38 PM

Hi.

I have a suggestion: watch porn with him.

That way you can see what it is he likes and maybe even reenact them. Be his porn star.

You shouldn't get jealous or whatever it is that you feel. He's basically jacking off to a screen. The porn stars don't know who he is, besides most of them wish they weren't there and they get paid to do it [unless of course he's watching homemade stuff]. Either way, it's his hand that's pleasing him no their vaginas.

...well that's what I think.
Sarah

CFZD · Nov 14, 2009, 12:48 PM

People, please quit checking out other's person mails, emails, laptop etc. Where is the privacy?

sully123 · Nov 14, 2009, 01:13 PM

I understand how you feel flowerbeauty with the porn. It is an addiction, and it makes you feel they have to look at someone else instead of you, that your not enough. That was the breaker of my relationship a few years ago, because it never left me, and it was a constant thorn in my side. IT caused us arguments, and I sympathize with you, it just makes you feel horrible...

jmjoseph · Nov 14, 2009, 01:26 PM

Originally Posted by sully123

I understand how you feel flowerbeauty with the porn. It is an addiction, and it makes you feel they have to look at someone else instead of you, that your not enough. That was the breaker of my relationship a few years ago, because it never left me, and it was a constant thorn in my side. IT caused us arguments, and I sympathize with you, it just makes you feel horrible...

Just because someone takes a drink, that does not make them an alcoholic. That goes for porn too. Yes, porn is addictive, and they have support groups for it, but I don't think this is the case at all. She said there were a couple of sites, normal stuff. If someone is a porn ADDICT, there would be several sites, with various levels of pornographic material on them. I just think that this is a regular guy who likes to peek at some naked ladies from time to time.

This is this particular guy's PERSONAL BUSINESS. It never would have been an issue. It was brought to light by someone going through his things. That's what this is all about.

A porn addiction would have been blatantly obvious to her.

People need, and deserve, some sort of privacy. This is a matter of respect. And lack of.

mudweiser · Nov 14, 2009, 02:03 PM

jmjoseph I agree with you completely.

I couldn't rate because I need to spread the rep.

Like J_9 said: "Unless of course it is beginning to ruin your sex lives, your pocketbook and his job." I see no problem.

I don't know if this helps, but I watch porn. I'm certainly not addicted to it. Sometimes I watch it daily, or a few times a day, sometimes I watch it a few times a week, and sometimes I go a month without it.

Porn is not the problem, it's lack of self control!

Sarah

sully123 · Nov 14, 2009, 02:27 PM

I wonder how the guys would like it if the roles were reversed and she was looking at naked guys, it wouldn't bother him. I think it would.. its a reaction and it bothers some girls... I completely understand how she feels...

mudweiser · Nov 14, 2009, 02:32 PM

Originally Posted by sully123

I wonder how the guys would like it if the roles were reversed and she was looking at naked guys, it wouldn't bother him. I think it would..its a reaction and it bothers some girls...I completely understand how she feels...

I disagree.

Guys whom I have dated and or known are NOT bothered by "their women" watching porn, in fact they are actually happy about it. It opens doors to experiences and great bedroom adventures.

I'm a woman and I'm pro porn.

Sarah