[talaniman]

although my partner didn't make much conversation with me, in fact he may as well have just ignored me, but I didn't make an issue out of it but it did hurt very much.

I think it would be up to you to step forward into the mainstream as they were his parents.

again it raised questions from the children, which could not be answered,

Such as?

My partner had by the end of the eve had had a few drinks, not drunk or anything but too many to drive home so his mum suggested that I could give him a lift on my way home, which was OK, but even during the lift home things seemed very strange

Maybe its best, given his drinking.

Are you looking to deep? Or maybe only seeing your side??

[nevaeh7]

Thank you he is important and he does matter to me very much, he was constantly told that he was useless and boreing and all that stuff, which I can also relate to having been there myself, just not for 13 years as he has expierienced, I know that I need to be patient, and as I've said its not so much the timescale that matters, but its dealing with the confusion, and the feeling that I get when I try to make any effort with him,
I'm always made to feel like I'm intruding or not wanted,
It hurts!
But then he is so different when its him making the moves.
It seems that when I get hurt I want to back away as we all do I suppose-and then when I do back away he seems more interested and makes effort...

I would just like to say that we were having a coversation about people over xmas, a very deep conversation I might add, he surprised me with some of what he has said,
He is very aware that men and women behave/talk differently when it comes to relationships, and he seems to know more than the average guy( it could be his past expierience) but he seemed like he was trying to tell me stuff, I'm just not sure what.

[nevaeh7]

The questions from the children are , why does my partner act so differently when he's at our house?
They see us together as a couple at home- and when we are at his parents(long-time frinds so we share quiet a lot of time together) why he doesn't act the same.
Now I have told them that people sometimes do act differently and of course I don't expect for him to act in a way that would be embarressing to anyone,
But my children and his and his sisters are all asking why he acts so differently at his parents house.
He tells me that I'm his girlfriend, he has told his kids that but when his parents have asked him he has told them differently in front of his children so as they all talk, they go to school together also its becoming quiet awkward.

[nevaeh7]

I'm trying to give my children a good example of what a relationship is- and until recently I thought I was-we was doing just that, but how confusing this is to me let alone the children-all of them

I did also make coversation with his parents at xmas and boxing day I always do there is nothing strained in our friendship, I'm just afraid that if it carries on this way then it may become very srained indeed.

[redhed35]

I've read all the posts and think he is showing you his intentions.

It would seem that the children are important to him and he has shown you (actions) that he cares for them and you in front of them.

If he did not want you at his parents house,he seems like the type of man who would make it very clear he did not want you there... yes? No?

OK,so he's not great at expressing his emotions,and he's not great at the public declarations,but he has made a point of including you in his family.

Your over thinking this and jumping at shadows...

He has already been in a bad relationship and knows the score,if he has been burnt as you say he is not going to go there again,if he thought for a second you would be like that he would be gone,but he is not... hes still there.

He has said he loves you... believe that.
Trust the relationship,don't look for problems,try not to be over sensitive.

[nevaeh7]

Thank you I do appreciate the feed back, really I do-
I'm not really that great with computers so I can't do the "quote" thing but I just wanted to go back to the bit where you said about him includung me in his family- I have been friends with his sister and his family before I was either friends or in a relationship with him, I have spent xmasses and parties and weddings and all of that family stuff for a very long time- I'm like their adopted daughter, sister and all and they are all very special to me. I am very lucky to have had them in my life, I don't take that for granted at all
His family was the ones to invite me to xmas, and to boxing day tea, it actually felt like he didn't want me there on xmas day.
His mum would now not take no for an answer, I'm not lucky enough to have parents of my own, and they look out for me and my children
I do believe that he loves me
And yes he does show me he cares for me in front of my children,
But something just doesn't feel right.

[redhed35]

The last line of your post speaks volumes... im all for the little inner voice!

Perhaps its time to throw your cards on the table?

Or,except your progressing at different speeds.

From your posts I think this man loves you,and its just his way,but in saying that,the last line... 'something doesn't feel right'... that feeling is hard to ignore,that feeling has gotten me out of so much hardship and heartache.

Its easy to sit and read a post and be objective,but your living it,you know the looks,you know the feelings,only you can truly get to the bottom of this.

[talaniman]

but something just doesn't feel right.

That's something to pay attention to.

[nevaeh7]

I am more accepting that we are travelling at different paces, and just today I have spent the day with his sister and her children- she needed to speak to me as her friend as she and her husband have been having some difficulties of late, she just needed to offload, much of what she has said has indirectly answered some of my questions, and just wanted to ask your opinions also... so here goes.
She lives in the same house as her parents with her husband and their children, and the grandmother seems to be very involved in their relationship-even when they have asked her not to be, but my friend has said that she can't stand it anymore and that she loves her parents but it has become very difficult for her and her husband to maintain that private close relationship with the constant interfiering from the mum...
Now I have known for a long time that it had been awkward but didn't realise just how bad things were, and I have had comments today that suggest that her brother keeps things very private because she has also interfiered in his past relationship also- I'm sure that she doesn't mean to do it, and I'm sure that she just cares for her children's wellbeing, but it seems that the interfiering is actually quiet damaging,
So could it be that he is actually trying to protect what we have? And if he is how stupid do I now feel!
His sister has said that she hasn't seen him as happy for a very long time, and that we should enjoy the relationship without the interfering for as long as we can...
It would help me if he would talk to me and tell me this if it is the case, in fact it would mean so much if he shared this with me...

[talaniman]

I don't really know his relationship with his family, but it it could explain a lot. I don't think he will open up anytime soon though, because a year is not that long in my opinion, as your still learning the little things that are a part of each other. There is yet a lot more you will discover about each other no doubt.

I keep going back to your Original Post, where your concerns were about what he tells his parents, and now I am beginning to see that he is consistent in words, and actions, and his parents are a great concern.

I think you need patients and work on the relationship between you as the subject seems to be what he thinks personally of his parents, (his mother to be specific), and that may take time.

I think if you recognize this as a sore point, and be gentle in that area, he will slowly let you in. You have been together a year, now is the time to pay close attention, and be patient.

[nevaeh7]

Patience has never beem my strongest point admitted, but in fact its part of my only new years resolution this year! To be a better person and a more patient one!
I'm not a bad person by any means but there's always room for improvement!!

I've said through my questions that my partner has been hurt in his past relationship, badly.
I've also said that I have been very hurt, manipulated! Its very difficult to be sure what you may mean to someone when all you have had in the past is lies and deciet, and even worse and then it all turned on you, so its your fault!
I know that the things you go through are supposed to make you a stronger person, and it is gone now, it was a time ago, I thought I had gone crazy, buy when will I start to trust my own opinion. When will I stop second guessing myself. Will I ever?

[nevaeh7]

Hey again guys! I hope everyone is well,
I just wanted to update you somewhat on how things have been going for me and of course moan and groan and ask for yet more advice!
I accept that myself and my partner are travelling at different paces and that's cool- but not if his pace is backwards, still something doesn't feel right, I have seen my partner a few times which has been great quality time together, but those arrangements have been made by myself-
I call him, I text him, I arrange, isuggest I'm missing him, I,I,I,I,I
Now that's OK somewhat, but if I don't make the effort he just doesn't seem to make the effort to call me, text me, nothing- he will respond to my calls and texts but I feel like I'm intruding, I have not called, text or anything since last weekend, we always see each other at least one day over the weekend-afterall it's the only time we get to spend together, but I have not made the effort to approach him this weekend, I want to know that I'm not forcing this in any way-but I want to be missed by him, we rarely speak on the phone as it is, we rarely even text, but when we do its me that begins the contact. And the only time that we get to spend together at the weekend, if I don't make the effort it just won't happen
I really don't know what I'm supposed to do I feel like I am, actually I don't know what I feel like.
The more he says he feels for me the less he seems to show me-
His actions do not match his words.
Why is he doing this?

[nevaeh7]

Oh I would just like to add that we have seen each other mostly over the weekends as this fits in easier with both our bust lives, but rarely have missed the opportunity to at least have a coffee together if nothing else, sometimes we have other plans which is cool and we share that information with each other as you do naturally, but this weekend has just made me feel like I'm not important
I don't want to play games and I don't want to force anyone into anything. But whhat am I supposed to do, how do I deal with this?

[amicon]

You really need to discuss this with him.
And I,personally would ask myself if this kind of relationship has any future.
It seems you're not on the same page and no real progress is made.

[nevaeh7]

That's how I have felt, that we arnt going in any direction, but I'm not sure if its my own insecurities that are causing some of these issues or not,
We recently had a conversation where I asked him where we may be headed, and what the future could possibly hold, how he sees us and all that kind of stuff,
I had a good response in the sense that he said he really enjoys spending time with me, but he openly admitted that he didn't know where this may be headed, that is cool with me as long as he is open to the possibility that it may be headed somewhere. He has told me that he loves me in a past conversation that we had and I do believe that, this recent conversation he said that he wouldn't want to loose me, or what we have, so of course that makes me feel better in the sense that it does mean something to him, however we come back to this same thing of his actions not matching his words!
When he is with me, when we spend time together it is great, but the time that we are apart is too lng in between and when we could spend extra time together he doesn't seem to want to make the effort, we get very limited time together, and when I find that I could spend time with him I often ask if he is free, but when he has time free he doesn't seem to approach me. I miss him when we don't spend time together end I want to make the extra effort, so am I wrong to expect the same from him?
Am I being unreasonable. Am I being too demanding? I don't think that I am after all we only see each other 1 night a week, very rarely any more than that. Sometimes not even that. And we don't talk or text every day and sometimes its five or six days before we talk, and that's generally because I make the first move. So that can't be too demanding can it? Tonight I sit at home, my children at their dads all weekend it only happens every other weekend, and he doesn't have his children tonight and he has made no effort to contact me in any way, now he may be doing summit with his mates which is cool with me, or he may be sat at home alone which is probable, but he doesn't seem to want to make the effort to find out what I'm doing.
Now I may be completely wrong I may even be out of order, I just don't know.
We have come very far given what he has been through in his past relationship, and maybe I just need to be more patient still, but that's very hard to do without questioning myself constantly.

[nevaeh7]

I really feel his pain, do I need tp leave this man to get over the problems from his past? There are things that are clearly still causing him pain and I don't want to make this any more difficult for him, we have had a very open conversation and it has cleared up a lot of the issues that was worrying me, and although I am sad that he has taken things so hard, I am in fact concerned that he is torturing himself and feeding his own negativeities.
He has clearly said that he is happy to move forward with me slowly to find some future between the two of us, he is very unsure of how to be around me, not that he is uncomfortable around me, but just the opposite, he wants to spend more time with me but is scared that he will bore me, and all those bad memories of being put down and made to feel worthless are at the forefront of his mind, I try to reassure him on all counts and I'm trying to be there for him.
We all have flaws, none of us are perfect, but how do you tell or show someone that you are happy with them just being themselves, and it is just that that you have fallen in love with! Is it time? Is it something that will ever go away for him? He doesn't deserve to be tortured like this for the rest of his life, or in fact by torturing himself.
What can I do to help? Please help.

[amicon]

He is doing this to himself and only he can change his outlook.
Could you suggest therapy?

[nevaeh7]

He knows yhat he is struggling with something's, but he hasaid that he thinks he's weird.
He has seen his doc and been on antideppressants in the past, but how do you say to someone that they are in fact nurturing their problems and making them worse, oh and by the way you need therapy!


Should I leave this relationship? Not our friendship but am I making this worse for him?

I love him, but I want him to be happy.
He says he loves me and he says that he wants to move forward and settle down, he says that he wants to spend more time with me, but then he thinks that he is bugging me! Where these thoughts have come from I don't know, I try to reassure him that he is far from bugging me, and in fact I would like to spend more time with him, he says he wants to, but then his fears come into play he thinks he willl bore me and he stays away, how do I help him overcome this??

[talaniman]

If all your talking, and reassurance, isn't making him comfortable pursuing you, then his problems go much deeper than what he is admitting. Sure he likes the once a week thing, but its clearly not enough for you, and that's a topic of discussion to have.

You meeting his needs, and you not having yours met is something that doesn't sound equal or fair, and if he cannot make attempts to get over his own personal issues to make you happy is a red flag that he may not be ready, willing, or able to sustain a healthy adult relationship.

If a partner doesn't let you in, how can you help him define a relationship in a mutually beneficial way.

I would back off being so available for the one day a week thing until he is a lot more available to express his missing you. That's only fair, and be honest about it.

It takes more than words, there has to be action behind them, or the words mean nothing.

[nevaeh7]

Yes so true, I have tried backing off for that one day a week like you have suggested and short term it seemed to mak him realse that he did miss me and then he was the one that seemed to push things forward, by telling me he loved me and that he wanted to see more of me, and all of that, and I seemed to fall deeper for him still.
He then seemed to slowly stop trying again.
I know that his issues are very deep, however I do feel that he is making them worse for himself, but I get the feeling that he knows what he is doing!. does that make sense? Even knowing that he is making himself unhappy.
Why would someone want to be this way, or why would he want to stay in a place that is making him so unhappy? That is just a feeling I get from him, nothig that he has said.
But he also quiet aware that men and women are different in the way that they express themselves, he seems very clued up about the inner workings of a woman, as he has had to judge for so very long the mood or temperament of his ex partner on a daily basis, and is very aware of his other male and female relationships and their problems, so is he aware of his own?