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Justwantfair · Mar 25, 2009, 08:30 AM

Your friend is set out to destroy herself, she doesn't value herself as a person and is relating male attention to love. This is not something you are going to fix and this isn't anything she is going to fix until she sees the problem.

It is difficult to see a friend in this condition, but an overwhelming feeling that you will not even introduce her to your boyfriend, because you know that she doesn't have any scruples when it comes to who she spreads her legs for. It shows how you believe that she would value your friendship.

I think it is time to discuss the problem with her and be willing to walk away. When someone is out to self destruct there isn't anything you can do to help them avoid it, if they aren't willing to accept your help. It is painful, but you have to be willing to walk away.

Al-anon is wonderful support for people who love/care about an addict. It helps you learn that their behaviors are not your responsibility and that you will not change them. You may find that attending the group meeting is beneficial as your friends behaviors aren't any less dangerous than an addicts.

smoothy · Mar 25, 2009, 08:35 AM

chrissymarie agrees: i think dropping her as my friend (almost like sister) would be cruel and not help her situation at all.

Actually... it won't hurt it either. Putting up with her behaviour makes you one of her "enablers".

Plus its going to do bad things for YOUR rep, and health from worrying about something she herself doesn't care about.

Many of us have been in this situation, thought they could help someone who didn't want help, wasted a lot of time and worry only to watch them self destruct in the end just the same.

BMI · Mar 25, 2009, 08:43 AM

I must disagree with those that suggest this girl's "rep" is a valid reason for distancing herself from a "friend" that clearly needs help.

I think it important for people to focus on what is right rather than focusing on what other people think. So long as you know the truth about yourself than let others think what they wish. I do not think you alone can lead this girl away from her behaviour, doing everything you can is the right thing to do.

This situation is just the same as drug addiction or alcoholism, just a different vice. As some mentioned before, intervention with family or encouragement to seek help is something you can suggest for your friend, at least lead them to water.

You seem like a caring friend, your both young and it is difficult to have todeal with issues like this at such an age. I only urge you to do what you feel is right, consider your friends situation and not so much what others may view you as.

smoothy · Mar 25, 2009, 08:46 AM

THere is the old addage that's ALWAYS held true. You are known by the company you keep. Hang out with gang members, drug dealers or people otherwise involved in some illegal or immoral activities and you WILL be associated with them. And treated like one as well.

Justwantfair · Mar 25, 2009, 08:50 AM

The girls reputation isn't a valid reason for distancing herself, but her self destructive nature is. It is a deep seeded problem that the friend has to face and she isn't making that attempt yet.

liz28 · Mar 25, 2009, 08:57 AM

I have a friend that sleeps around but I would never drop her as a friend because she never did anything to me personally. Actually she is always there when I need her no matter what time of the day it is.

People do sometime judge you by the company you keep but who cares. People will always find something to talk about you regardless. As long as you know what your doing and not doing there is no need to drop her as a friend. What she do in her personal life is her choice and the same goes for what you do in yours.

Maybe one day she would wake up and want to change but the change have to come from within. And believe me one day she is going realize the road she is heading down isn't a good one and hopefully realize that her body is her temple until than no matter what you or anyone else say to her the words will ge going in one ear and out the other.

BMI · Mar 25, 2009, 08:59 AM

There's also another well known saying that states "I am my brother's keeper".

smoothy · Mar 25, 2009, 09:16 AM

Originally Posted by BMI

There's also another well known saying that states "I am my brother's keeper".

They aren't related or family... big difference on that one. If they were I would view it differently. You are obligated to help family... but there are definite limits to how far you should go to help a friend that doesn't want help.

artlady · Mar 25, 2009, 09:37 AM

Originally Posted by smoothy

THere is the old addage thats ALWAYS held true. You are known by the company you keep. Hang out with gang members, drug dealers or people otherwise involved in some illegal or immoral activities and you WILL be associated with them. And treated like one as well.

I understand the concept of your known by the company you keep but in this instance I disagree.

I had a friend who was very promiscuous and I used to have people question why I hung out with her. That has never been my style.

The answer is she wasn't just a whore.She was a person who was confused and needy and she had reasons for her behavior.
As her friend I understood that.

The last thing she needed was someone to show her that she was unworthy of friendship and love.That is part of the problem.

smoothy · Mar 25, 2009, 09:57 AM

And you could force her to change her ways exactly how? And stressing over this helped exactly how? And the negative personal remnification to your own life and health did what good?

I'm saying this as a 47 year old guy who has seen numerous people self destruct who would NOT listen to others and did what the wanted, when they wanted it and in fact threatened ME for interfearing with THEIR life and free choice.

A question is how old are you?

A younger person may think it's a nobile thing to interfere with others freedom of choice while an older person realises you can't force someone to do your will and realises lifes too short to riun it worrying about someone who is doing exaactly what they want to do. And has been through this more than once.

Fact is I have known someone do even worse than she did in recent years... and yes I tried to reason with her and all I got was grief for my efforts.

Sometimes you have to walk away... and for someone who is not immediate family... this is one of those times.

artlady · Mar 25, 2009, 10:09 AM

Originally Posted by smoothy

And you could force her to change her ways exactly how? and stressing over this helped exactly how? And the negative personal remnification to your own life and health did what good?

I'm saying this as a 47 year old guy who has seen numerous people self destruct who would NOT listen to others and did what the wanted, when they wanted it and in fact threatened ME for interfearing with THEIR life and free choice.

A question is how old are you?

A younger person may think its a nobile thing to interfere with others freedom of choice while an older person realises you can't force someone to do your will and realises lifes too short to riun it worrying about someone who is doing exaactly what they want to do. And has been through this more than once.

Fact is I have known someone do even worse than she did in recent years....and yes I tried to reason with her and all I got was grief for my efforts.

Sometimes you have to walk away....and for someone who is not immediate family....this is one of those times.

I am 54 yr.young so no kid here!

I did not enable her nor did I interfere in her life.I simply pointed out to her repeatedly that she had more value than just being a depository for sperm.

You don't quit your friends unless you are directly affected in a negative way by their behavior.I was sad for this girl but I didn't lose sleep over it.

I think the problem comes from a lack of self worth and by dropping the friendship,you are just clarifying her negative feelings about herself.

Just my take on it :)

kanicky73 · Mar 25, 2009, 10:16 AM

Its very hard to just "accept" things that we can not change. You care about this girl enough to point out the harmful things that she is doing to herself. I agree with those who are saying not to turn your back on her. I do however think what you should do is let her know that you can no longer partake in the activities that cause her to do this to herself. For example, no more going to the bars with her, or parties etc. Let her know that it's too difficult for you to stand there and watch her do this to herself so from here on out you will have to hang out and do other things. Have lunch together, go to the mall, watch movies etc. And if while you are doing these things if she starts up with the behavior such as hitting on some strange guy, getting a phone number etc, I would walk right up to her and say "I am leaving!" and walk away and leave! A few times of this happening and she will realize that you mean business and do not approve of this behavior anymore. If your friendship means enough to her she will comply. You are not going to be able to stop what she does when you are not around, but you can certainly control what you will allow yourself to be a part of.

BMI · Mar 25, 2009, 10:17 AM

Smoothy, the phrase "I am my brother's keeper" is not intended to mean family only. It is to be taken into context that your fellow man is your brother. We as human beings have an obligation to help out someone in need, although some may not agree.

I would also argue that the older one is the more they would persist in having someone seek help as opposed to a younger person who may think it none of their business.

I would point out that the OP mentioned her relationship with her friend as that of sisters, she also asked what help she could provide. I agree that you cannot force someone to change, that responsibility lies with the person and that person alone. However, if the OP has exhausted all the avenues that may lead her friend to some type of treatment, than I too would believe she could do no more. I don't think that is the case just yet.

smoothy · Mar 25, 2009, 10:22 AM

Originally Posted by artlady

I am 54 yr.young so no kid here!

I did not enable her nor did I interfere in her life.I simply pointed out to her repeatedly that she had more value than just being a depository for sperm.

You don't quit your friends unless you are directly affected in a negative way by their behavior.I was sad for this girl but I didn't lose sleep over it.

I think the problem comes from a lack of self worth and by dropping the friendship,you are just clarifying her negative feelings about herself.

Just my take on it :)

OK you have the experience under your belt rather than just the enthusiasm of youth.

So at what point do you consider the negative effects on your own health more important than worrying about a person that see's absolutely nothing wrong with their choices in life?

Personally there is most definitely a point where I refuse to continue trying to make an adult that see's nothing wrong with their actions ( and that includes drug and alcohol abuse).

Adults are personally responsible for the choices them make and the paths they chose to follow.

Take this a step further (just a random example that popped into my mind)... when Jehovah Witnesses come to your door, do you invite them in and entertain them, and openly accept their interpretation of how you should see life? Or do you pretend you aren't home? And who is really right and wrong in this situation and why?

liz28 · Mar 25, 2009, 10:41 AM

I think this thread is getting way out of hand.

Chrissy, you've two options--
Continue being her friend and accept her ways or drop her as friend. Personally I wouldn't drop her as a friend but it's your call.

If you continue being her friend know that you can't change her promiscuous ways. You can't make her change. I bet she accepts all your short commings as well! Being her friend won't effect your life nor your health in anyway. You live your life and let her live hers.

Don't worry about what other people are saying in your town( about you or her) because people talk regardless. Life is too short so live your life.

artlady · Mar 25, 2009, 10:42 AM

Originally Posted by smoothy

OK you have the experience under your belt rather than just the enthusiasm of youth.

So at what point do you consider the negative effects on your own health more important than worrying about a person that see's absolutely nothing wrong with their choices in life?

Personally there is most definately a point where I refuse to continue trying to make an adult that see's nothing wrong with their actions ( and that includes drug and alcohol abuse).

Adults are personally responsible for the choices them make and the paths they chose to follow.

Take this a step further (just a random example that popped into my mind)....when Jehovah Witnesses come to your door, do you invite them in and entertain them, and openly accept their interpretation of how you should see life? Or do you pretend you aren't home? And who is really right and wrong in this situation and why?

I am one of a rare breed that lets them in.Not because they are going to change my view,per se but because I love a spirited debate.

When it comes to someone abusing drugs,I think I would take that on a case by case basis but generally speaking ,I don't like to be around people who are wasted,so I would most likely distance myself from them.

I try to look at every situation as an opportunity to be a better person.More giving of self and having less judgment and more compassion. Sometimes that involves stepping out of my comfort zone and tolerating some things I may not like.

I would not do this forever but I really don't like to quit on people.People in trouble need more help.Its a fine line between help and enabling.

Different strokes for different folks :rolleyes:

Jon09822 · Mar 25, 2009, 10:49 AM

Hello -

I have read most of the posts on here and I think that this decision has to be made by you, whether to continue to be her friend.

From what I read - the very first post, its pretty obvious that she has some issues she carries around inside of her that need to be resolved. When I got to the part about her father - then, it became more clearer. What Ive learned in life is that a lot of our childhood make up our adulthood. We carry baggage, or traumas, and we do act out, not really knowingly in our adulthood. Its like walking through an airport - you drag your luggage until you get to your destination and drop it off and you're free of the baggage. Same thing with life - people carry baggage with them until they are ready to face it and get rid of it - one of the best things Ive heard is 'tears are a form of healing.' When we face our issues we carry inside, it then gets uprooted from within and that's the letting go part.

You said she is beautiful - which Im not disputing that, however, in your eyes, that's what you see. Im sure that when she looks in the mirror, she does not see that. She could have some serious self esteem issues and this is her way of feeling 'loved' or 'accepted' so to speak. I do think that it could be some trauma from her father not being around - this is her way of acting out. She, obviously, doesn't see it as that - as you stated - she says its 'just sex.' Sometimes people go into denial because they don't really understand, nor do they want to understand what the isses really are. To her - perhaps by her father leaving - she could be blaming herself and this is her way of punishing herself - to a degree - she doesn't see it as that, but, it is self destructive behavior - so in essence its self punishment.

Now, as far as you remaining her friend, again, that is solely your decision that has to be made by you. You have to realize that, no matter how hard we try, we can't change nobody. I have been around this mountain - and while you want to TRY to change people -or, as we see it a lot of the times, help people - they are going to do as they please no matter what you say or do. Sometimes, however, eventually, they will come around.

I have a best friend with whom I been friends with for almost 20 years now. We did some very heavy partying together back in the day. I had since grown out of that - however, he still continued on - for many years, I have debated - should I move on or stay. His family is in another state and he really has no one else in his life and has had a very traumatic past himself. I debated this with myself for quite some time and decided that if I would have stopped being friends with him - he would have went further downhill - but, I stuck by him because he had no one else and I continued to pray for him. I tried everything I could to get him to stop - which is when I realized you can't change no one - I have also learned that those who are closest to you are the ones who will NOT listen to anything you have to say either. It generally takes someone outside of their circle to get a message across to them. It wasn't until I backed off the whole 'trying to change him' and started to just pray for him. We see it as trying to 'help' but, they see it as us 'controlling' them. I will say that it wasn't a very easy walk, however, over time, he has changed drastically. He does not drink nearlty half as much as he used to - hardly ever goes out anymore. He pretty much drinks one day a week, on his day off - or he might have a few beers here and there, but, nothing like he used to. I am now glad that I did stick by him because he tells people if it wasn't for me sticking by him, he might not be here today - or he would still be a drunk. One of the scriptures I focused on is 'a friend sticks closer than a brother.' Now, Im speaking from MY point of view and what worked for me - Im definitely not preaching to you or anyone - this is just MY belief. I do believe in the power of prayer - just from this experience - you can still be friends with someone even if you don't agree with their lifestyle. We have to realize that we aren't perfect either - it might not be to that extreme, but, we all have faults that maybe someone else doesn't like. IF you really care about her and her well being - perhaps you should just be there for her. Just be her friend - don't try to, as they see it, 'control' them. The more you tell people not to do something, the more they tend to run out and do it. People have to have their own wake up calls in life before their eyes are opened.

I hope that this helps and that it makes sense. I know its a lot and I typed quickly because Im on my way out but wanted to comment on this. Hope you make the right decision.

slapshot_oi · Mar 25, 2009, 11:22 AM

Originally Posted by artlady

People in trouble need more help.Its a fine line between help and enabling.

Unless your talking about homework, there isn't a fine line at all; it's clear, black-and-white. Enablers allow themselves to be manipulated. Those in trouble won't respect someone as weak as they are.

liz28 · Mar 25, 2009, 04:23 PM

After I reread your post I must ask "what did her parents do to change her slutty ways when she was young?" You stated she had a baby at 14 so they knew she was having sex? If they didn't do nothing back then why are they complaining now?

Also, did she not have a father in her life or her baby doesn't?

I don't think it really matters because many people I know grew up fatherless and have a productive lifestyle. Their mother was all they needed and usually their mother was a strong person that stirred them in the right direction with a iron fist.

shazamataz · Mar 26, 2009, 06:13 AM

Originally Posted by artlady

Different strokes for different folks :rolleyes:

Couldn't give you good rep again yet artlady but I agree.
Not everyone here is going to have the same opinion and while some questions on here have a black and white answer, many don't.
People give their opinions or suggestions for the OP to read and give them a better understanding of the situation so they can choose which answer best applies to them.