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busterite · Dec 2, 2008, 06:04 PM

If you don't go NC and cut her completely out of your life don't expect a change in her attitude or the pain you feel. This is not a game, its your own good that's at stake here. Don't let her drag you through the gutter and then dump you at a worst position than you are now. SHE ONLY CARES ABOUT HERSELF!! Cut her off and burn those bridges. Just drop off the face of the earth for a while, or for as long as you need to bring balance to your life.

You need to stay focused and not let her interfere with your healing process in any way. She is NOT part of your life anymore. Time to accept it! Don't wait to find out about this guy, that will just hurt a million times more. Ive been there and honestly hope that I will never have to go through something as painful in my life. Stay strong!

Empty Cans · Dec 2, 2008, 10:25 PM

I give in. No contact is going to be initiated as of right now. I will keep you all posted.

JohnD212 · Dec 2, 2008, 10:34 PM

No contact is a very serious technique that I'm currently really struggling to do... winning most the time. If you aren't sure why you need to do it... read these:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ule-46556.html

Should I Contact My Ex? Things You Should Know

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...sh-114179.html

I have read these basically a million times over the last week or so... and it always reminds me why I'm doing this... its so easy to forget.

Empty Cans · Dec 3, 2008, 02:35 AM

I think the hardest thing for me is going to be when she emails... and I will find it hard not to respond. I have been very good at not being the one initiating the contact.

Also... she owes me $500 which I would quite like back. I think when she does email I will just keep it very brief... say I am busy and that I would appreciate she start paying off the money. She was supposed to pay half of it last week, but "forgot".

Its funny how girls seem to react so much on instinct in a break up situation... everything she has done is actually so predictable on so many levels... leapfrogging into a new relationship... emailing me and filling me with false hope... letting me down gently so she doesn't feel guilty... it seems like she doesn't have a choice in how she reacts, or that she is just choosing the easy option rather than actually taking time to properly move on.

Then again, I am guilty of acting on my instincts too... its just a pity that those instincts told me to call her every day for the first month of the break up, and to try and win her back overzealously.

Its taken me a while to figure out but as she is the breaker of this relationship... its up to her to chase after me and win me back, not the other way around. I will never get her back by chasing.

It's the adage... we all want what we can't have.

turbogtir · Dec 3, 2008, 05:05 AM

Dude what the hell are you doing! Go nc straight away!! I went through the same not long ago! Long distance 2!! Some eff'd up shi* , but trust me nc is the only way, don't respond to anything! Mine came back to me after a month or 2 of nc, but remember, they don't always come back! If they don't, then it wasn't meant to be! Read my thread. Goodluck. Peace from london.

Empty Cans · Dec 7, 2008, 10:07 PM

Well I guess I am a sucker for punishment...

I got this email from her today:

"Heya

How was your weekend? I am sorry to do this to you but do you think you could call me tonight? I have been really upset and stressed recently about heaps of stuff and I have been trying so hard to not talk to you about it but I really need too. You're my best friend and it's just weird not being able to have you there to talk too. If you would rather not then that is okay, but I would appreciate any time you could spare.

Hope you're well"

I know I should probably have just deleted it straight away... but I have agreed to talk to her tonight. I know you are all going to bite my head off about this... but I want to hear what she has to say.

Ironically, today if she emailed me asking how I was etc I was going to tell her that I can't do this whole friend thing anymore because I just need to focus on myself.

But then I receive this email from her instead...

I don't expect her to talk about anything to do with us in this conversation... and I can see this email is full of false hope. And I deserve to have my head ripped off. But this is also my chance to set it straight and tell her that I can't do this anymore... I can't be that friend that she can rely on anymore... for my own sake.

This breakup was mutual and amicable (LDR... she couldn't get a professional job down here, I didn't want to leave so no other option)... I know I don't owe her anything, but I don't think it would be fair to just ignore this.

Its just frustrating that she has to send this now... right when I was preparing to cut her out of my life.

I don't feel weak about it because she is the one engaging me... I know it took a lot for hear to reach out and send me that email. It also makes me think that her relationship with this new guy may not be that strong... otherwise she would be turning to him for advice on whatever these issues are. But at the end of the day, that is just speculation.

Oh well, I will let you know how it goes... even though you probably can already tell me.

JohnD212 · Dec 8, 2008, 01:03 AM

Just remember that No Contact is not to punish them... I know it feels like you are... but you are just removing the source of pain from your life so it doesn't create additional pain while you heal. There is nothing wrong with lending an ear if you must... but I would make it very clear that you are NOT ready to be friends. This is something she gave up when she broke up with you. She can't have her cake AND eat it too. Of course its creating false hope in you. She might even give you some false ideas tonight if she truly is upset about something... its so easy to miss someone when you're unhappy about life.

Trust me.. I am struggling with NC in my life... I keep starting and failing... so I wouldn't judge you... you've done it better than I have... but be careful... remember that NC puts the responsibility for the break up and the pain it caused... back on your ex.

You are not and should not be there to make her feel better about anything. From my understanding... the only contact you should have is if they say they want to get back together (and that contact would only happen after you really give it some thought)... Good Luck! Hope your "talk" is short... and you get to make your point to her.

Irishgirl · Dec 8, 2008, 01:54 AM

Hi Speaking from a girls point of view she wants her cake and to eat it too. Girls love knowing that men want them and love having the power to drive them crazy! Is this completely mental and unfair? Of course, we never said we were easy to understand! U need to not contact her, easy to say I know but this girl has clearly moved on and you need to too and the only way is to walk away. She's quite manipulative and a complete game player and I think she's rubbing off on you. Get away now before you jeopardise your next relationship. Good luck

Empty Cans · Dec 8, 2008, 03:37 AM

Wow...

So we talked for about an hour and a half. She's had a lot of stuff going on in her life which has all boiled down in the last week or so... troubles at home, with getting a job, with what to do with her life. She really did just need someone to talk to... and as I know her better than anyone else, that person needed to be me.

And she thanked me for listening... and I said that's OK, but I can't always be here for you any more. I told her that by hearing from her it gave me hope for something that might not ever happen, something that I really want but can't have.

So I know it should normally be off limits... but we talked about us for a long time. She told me how she had been dealing with it the wrong way... by going out and getting drunk and hooking up with guys... she has even started smoking which is totally out of character.

I asked her if she had been seeing anyone... to which she said she had, and I told her I was OK about that. She said that its over and that she now realises that she was vulnerable and that's the only reason she did it.

Its weird but I am glad I have gone through this the way I have... largely alone and tormented by my mind. She has dealt with this the opposite way, by just going out with her friends, getting drunk, and giving everyone the impression that she was perfectly, when deep down she was hurting just as much as I have.

So... I broke NC tonight... but I'm glad I did. I feel in an even better position... I laid all my cards out on the table, and told her that for me to move on we can't be keeping in contact. She knows where I stand... which in my situation where there was an agreeable break is a much better situation than just dropping off the face of the earth.

Please feel free to comment or pick holes in what I have just written!

Grayfox · Dec 8, 2008, 03:54 AM

I don't think it can be said better than tal and true have put it. I mean, if you absolutely have to answer her e-mails ( they say not to, but you already know you'll do it anyway). Id keep it short and sweet. "Victoria, thank you for telling me the truth, good luck in this new relationship, im sure we will both find happiness." Something like that as long as it is the truth in your mind. However, if you're just trying to get revenge to some degree by throwing out all the NOT's about doing stuff and seeing each other, then you're wasting your time. Even if she's not fully happy now, its only a matter of time before the pain of this relationship wears thin. She's taking action to get it off her mind and you should too, you can try and force her to feel the pain, chances are she will temporarily, but ultimately it will be another thing she will get over and will just make you appear more and more like the unhappy one.

You want to appear as if you have your head on straight (even if you dont). Pull it together, be honest with yourself and everyone you ask for advice and try to do the hard thing. Don't contact her, if you must... answer her e-mails but for the love of god don't fall into a trap or give her what she wants. If you decide to tell her you want NC, make sure you're prepared for that and not just saying it to get a reaction. If I were you id be pretty disgruntled and I think that would fuel my desire to stay away from her. You should seriously consider NC altogether.

Good Luck

Grayfox · Dec 8, 2008, 04:02 AM

Definitely didn't see your latest post before my last one. I couldn't really tell if you had agreed on anything with her. However, I can tell one thing about what you said and that is that you gave in. "Actions speak louder than words" pretty much sums it up. She could have had all kinds of reasons for what she did, but she still did them. You can make yourself feel OK about all that if you want to, but are you really? If so it comes down to whether she is really done with all of those things... because chances are she's not. I'd wait it out a while before I considered anything at all. Hopefully you didn't just reassure her today that you were still an option... because if you can settle to be an option, you are really shooting yourself in the foot and not giving yourself the respect and dignity you deserve.

Irishgirl · Dec 8, 2008, 04:04 AM

Originally Posted by Empty Cans

Wow...

So we talked for about an hour and a half. She's had a lot of stuff going on in her life which has all boiled down in the last week or so...troubles at home, with getting a job, with what to do with her life. She really did just need someone to talk to...and as I know her better than anyone else, that person needed to be me.

And she thanked me for listening...and I said that's ok, but I can't always be here for you any more. I told her that by hearing from her it gave me hope for something that might not ever happen, something that I really want but can't have.

So I know it should normally be off limits...but we talked about us for a long time. She told me how she had been dealing with it the wrong way...by going out and getting drunk and hooking up with guys...she has even started smoking which is totally out of character.

I asked her if she had been seeing anyone...to which she said she had, and I told her I was ok about that. She said that its over and that she now realises that she was vulnerable and thats the only reason she did it.

Its weird but I am glad I have gone thru this the way I have...largely alone and tormented by my mind. She has dealt with this the opposite way, by just going out with her friends, getting drunk, and giving everyone the impression that she was perfectly, when deep down she was hurting just as much as I have.

So...I broke NC tonight...but I'm glad I did. I feel in an even better position...I laid all my cards out on the table, and told her that for me to move on we can't be keeping in contact. She knows where I stand...which in my situation where there was an agreeable break is a much better situation than just dropping off the face of the earth.

Please feel free to comment or pick holes in what I have just written!

Sorry getting used to using this site so may use it wrong

I think what you did was very brave and mature. Maybe now that you've sorted your own relationship out you can help me with mine- a mans point of view?

talaniman · Dec 8, 2008, 06:30 AM

Like you say the cards are on the table, and you can move from there.

kctiger · Dec 8, 2008, 06:54 AM

Irishgirl, what is your issue? Have you posted a question on this forum yet? I would be glad to help.

Irishgirl · Dec 8, 2008, 08:35 AM

Thanks kctiger
Have posted a question just about boyfriend. Been going out 18 months and he's getting complicant, being a spoilt brat I know but I want more attention and affection from him now the honeymoon period is over, any ideas?

JohnD212 · Dec 8, 2008, 04:19 PM

I hear you say you're happy you did it this way. Trust me... you're coming off that high of having spoken to her... probably a few false hopes still in there... come back in about 5 days of no contact... I suspect you'll feel a little worse... and most likely... a little angry at her for using you again. She can't rely on you. She broke up with you. Its as plain and simple as that.

I just hope you're fully OK with not hearing from her again for a long time... maybe never. She got what she needed (your support and confirmation that you still want her). Now she can move on knowing she's not yet... alone in the world. Doesn't seem fair to me. Return to No Contact... sooner the better.

Empty Cans · Dec 12, 2008, 04:25 AM

Ok so I'm a bit confused now... which I suppose is to be expected.

So after our talk on the phone on Monday, I suppose I was on a bit of a high... it was so good to have a decent conversation with her where we covered some actual things that were going on in our lives, rather than just superficial BS about how our week has been...

And then the next night we had an IM chat... and she thanked me for the chat, and we talked about us... about our relationship and all the good times, and how we missed the laughing, and friendship and the talks... and how we missed each other.

I actually have an appetite again... that feeling of doom and gloom has lifted somewhat because I now know that we are actually both on a similar level with this breakup... when I knew she was seeing other guys it destroyed me, I felt like she had just dropped me out of her life and replaced me... and was out having the time of her life. The fact is that that wasn't the case... it was just her way of dealing with the break up.

As I have said before, the main reason we broke up was because of neither of us wishing to be in a LDR where there was no end date in sight... but having said that, I have now been able to see where other things were not quite right. This break up was a blessing... something I had to go through to learn about myself. And I know there is a hell of a lot more learning to do as I am not even close to being healed... but even so it has been an eye opener.

Im going back up to my home town for 2 and a half weeks for Xmas and New Years and we have made tentative plans to see each other. I guess I have played out a few scenarios in my head as to how it will all pan out... Im not expecting for anything to happen romantically between us, but the thoughts have crossed my mind.

Although I'm happy with how things are right now... I suppose in some ways maybe it would have been easier if she had just come out and said she was seeing this guy, then I would actually have had just cause to cut her out of my life completely. But now that we have sort of made up and connected on an emotional level again... I suppose it has tempered my desire to cut her out of my life. Now I want her in there again.

Is this all really just a big game she is playing?

She has made plans to move over to Europe next year... and a part of me what's to proposition to her that I make the move over too. The thing is, I still have unfinished business here, and maybe this is something she has to do on her own. But if she does go, then it will be at least another 18 months before we are living in the same city again... and even then, that is unsure. If we hit it off when I go back up for the holidays, do you think I should proposition this to her? Or should I just let fate takes it course and not force things... its just hard to imagine the next 18 months without her.

Grayfox · Dec 12, 2008, 05:44 AM

Dude, you aren't dumb. You're calling a lot of these shots, the only issue right now is that your heart is keeping you from really being able to think clearly. That's completely understandable as I can tell you I've done the same thing. Right now though, I have to say, the only reason you have an appetite isn't because of all these things you've accomplished and being on the same page. The reason you have an appetite now is because you now have hope. The reason you broke up isn't necessarily just because of the LDR, its also because she has had other feelings towards other people, and I know some people deal with it that way,(my ex right now), however, that doesn't mean that it shouldn't still be dealt with. Sounds to me like she doesn't know what she wants, and you do. You're hurt and she's lonely. I wouldn't be very surprised if this did turn out to just be another bit of bs for her to try and stay happy short term... and dude... you're falling for it hard. Its possible that she is actually having all these feelings for you again, but even so, (chances are slim) read your initial post and ask yourself if you really want to be with that person again... despite what she's done. Think smart, don't get used, there's a healthy and good relationship out there for you where you can mutually have the things you want. Don't settle to make your heart pain less.

talaniman · Dec 12, 2008, 06:51 AM

I had to spread the rep, Grayfox, but you made some very good points, as she is thinking short term, and going along with the program for now, but making some long term plans for leaving for 18 months. I think a lot more talking is appropriate, before you can just throw your whole life into her ring, as she doesn't really sound as if she is committed, but still has and eye for something else.

It's a big red flag, to run from one guy to others as a way to handle a break up, so sorry, I would be really reluctant to expect her to be ready for what you want. I really think she is just not ready and you're a comfort zone.

You had better resolve all your issues before giving her your heart yet again.

Empty Cans · Dec 12, 2008, 02:05 PM

Thanks for the advice Tal and Grayfox. I can see what you both mean... at the moment I am filled with some hope, I guess I'm just trying to put the pieces of the hope jigsaw together to see how I could make it work out for us. But at the same time I can see that she could just be using me as some short term comfort... a way of knowing that she is not alone.

I don't agree with the way she handled it... seeing a couple of other guys pretty quickly, and one guy exclusively for a wee while... but I forgive her for it, she was vulnerable and hurt. She is an attractive girl and its hardly surprising that she had a few guys trying it on with her.

If things go well when I see her in a few weeks time, I will broach the subject with her... let her know what I am prepared to do for us to be together. But it will have to be because it is what she wants... and she will need to be just as committed to it as I am. I think the chances are possibly slim... but I guess the alternative of at least 18 months apart would be difficult to face without knowing that it could maybe have been another way.

But at least if I know that it is not what she wants... it will make it all the more bearable as I will know at least I gave it a shot and have to move on with my life in the interim.