[JoeCanada76]

The thing is now because you have acted the way you have. Your considered the bad one in the family and that even if it was just to protect your mom and sis and you from this abusive boyfriend, it backfired and now made things worse. I am happy to hear that your going to counseling and going to work through things and try to make things better for the future. Best wishes to you for this learning experience and may you be able to forgive yourself for this mistake and pray that others have a forgiving heart for you too.

Best wishes.

Joe

[Alty]

I am proud that you finally told the truth and that you've realized that you made a huge mistake by telling this lie.

Counselling is the first step, and it's a good step to take.

I realize that in your mind what you did, you did for your family. Lying is never the answer, especially a lie like this. You've owned up to it, but you can't expect everyone to just forgive and forget. This lie was a whopper, and you're learning the hard way what happens when you are deceitful.

I wish you all the best in your future and hope that you get the help you need. Be strong, and get your life on the right track.

Good luck.

[Romefalls19]

Please take the time to self evaluate and seek counseling. Maybe after that you and your ex can talk about starting over as friends and going from there. The trust may be broken far beyond repair as lying is a horrible thing, lying about being raped for months is, well I think it might even be worse than the actual rape happening. In one swoop you managed to hurt a lot of people. You may not have liked your mother's choice is guys, but you have ruined his life as he is now looked at as a rapist(even if it was dropped), your mother probably blamed herself for allowing this guy into the house, and then your boyfriend, well you heard his side.

[statixgurl]

Ya, I feel terrible about the whole situation. I feel foolish for what I have done because before my mom's boyfriend came into our lives, I was the good child. I was/still am a straight-A student that loved to help people and be the best person I could be. I've received a full-ride scholarship to the college I am going to because I was number 2 in my class. I had it all. The "perfect" life... with the exception of my parent's divorce. And now, my life is sooo screwed up it's not even funny. Two years ago, I would have looked at myself now and have been disgusted. I wouldn't fathom why anyone would do what they did until I did what I did. People do stupid things. They make mistakes. That's why we are called human. We are not anywhere near perfect. I know what I did was wrong. I tried to hurt a person for something my mom should have handled with my sister and I. I shouldn't have gone off on my own and tried to ruin that person's life... no matter how mad I was. I'm very displeased with my actions, but I can't go back and change the past. So, I want to fix everything and tell everyone that this has affected the truth and get counseling. I don't know if I can work it out with the one person that I do care about... my boyfriend, but I hope to. He means more to me than he could possibly know. I love him to Pluto and back... to infinity and beyond.

[Alty]

You are human, and we all make mistakes, this was a big one, but at least, in the end, you told the truth. I'm proud of you for that. You do need counselling, and you need to do what you have to for yourself, not for your mom or her boyfriend. Live your life and be the best person you can be, that's all you can do, your only power.

Fixing things with your boyfriend, I don't know if that's possible, but talk to him, explain to him that you are so sorry, once you told the lie it got out of control and you didn't know how to go backwards. In the end, you did the right thing. Maybe he just needs some time to stop being angry about your lie.

[ylaira]

Well, I told my boyfriend a little back ago that I was raped by my mother's boyfriend, but I was never raped in the first place....=(

Now, my boyfriend is all stressed out and doesn't trust me because he thinks that I might have had a possible relationship with this guy =(

If ur BF believes that you were really raped, then he should feel sorry for you instead of turning it back against you. You two have problems so I suggest visit a counselor.

[mx3r]

If ur BF believes that you were really raped, then he should feel sorry for you instead of turning it back against you. You two have problems so I suggest visit a counselor.

Excuse me? Have you read everything?

[starbuck8]

Excuse me? Have you read everything?

Apparently not! Some people give answers with bothering. I have said soooo many times, if you are going to answer a question on here, please at least skim through so you know what you are talking about.

[ylaira]

Excuse me? Have you read everything?

Oh yes. It won't take a minute. Im sorry if I sound offensive by asking to visit a counselor. You lied big time out of 'hatred' and BF seems have a wild imagination. Couselor will help you a lot. Visiting a counselor doesn't imply you two are crazy if that's what you think I'm trying to say.

[ylaira]

If u said your BF is worried to death that you are raped and its ruining him, the best answer is telling him the truth and ask for forgiveness but you said "stressed out and doesn't trust me because he thinks that I might have had a possible relationship with this guy" WHY?. if you confess that you lied, I wonder what other extra assumptions about trust will form in his mind. That's dilemma. So I suggest now visit a counselor. I hope I explained now my point without sounding offensive because I don't mean to.

[Alty]

If u said ur BF is worried to death that you are raped and its ruining him, the best answer is telling him the truth and ask for forgiveness but you said "stressed out and doesn't trust me because he thinks that I might have had a possible relationship with this guy" WHY? ....if you confess that u lied, I wonder what other extra assumptions about trust will form in his mind. Thats dilemma. So I suggest now visit a counselor. I hope I explained now my point without sounding offensive because i dont mean to.

It's not that you were offensive, it's that you haven't read all the posts. She has told her boyfriend, and now they are no longer together. You really have to read all the posts before you respond, otherwise there's no point.

We've already suggested counselling, and she is going to do that.

[mx3r]

Is it possible to have a relationship without trust? Can this relationship be saved?

[Alty]

mx3r, that's up to you to decide. Do you love her? Can you accept that she made a mistake, a huge mistake. Can you trust her again. You are right, relationships are based on trust and communication, both which are not existent in your relationship, so far. Can she gain back your trust, do you want to try to work through this? How important is it to you?

You two have had a rocky relationship, allot of stress has been caused by this lie, but is it not fixable? Only you can decide that. Do you give her another chance?

Read all her posts, she is a troubled girl, will that change? How far will she go to get this step father out of her life? Will she lie again, will she go even further than that? Do you want to be caught up in all of this? Make a list of pros and cons, decide with the facts, not your heart.

Good luck.

[Fr_Chuck]

Ok, I will be honest I have not read the three pages of this post,

But this is simple and can be said in a few words.

You tell your boyfriend the truth, this is a serious thing to accuse your moms boyfriend of. What if your boyfriend had called the police??
Then when the police started to question you it would be getting a lot more seroius?

You tell your boyfriend the truth, you will have to live with what happens, without trust and honesty there is nothing in a relationship.

[Alty]

Fr_Chuck, just to give you an update. She told her boyfriend, and her boyfriend is a member of this site, username mx3r. Apparently she didn't remember that he was also a member here when she started her thread. Or she wanted to tell him without actually having to tell him. Or hoped that we would sympathize with her and her boyfriend would read our posts and forgive and forget. So far, the relationship is over, but it sounds like mx3r is having second thoughts.

That's it in a nutshell, including the nuts. :)

[ylaira]

Ok, I will be honest I have not read the three pages of this post,

Lesson learned: Next time I won't give advice to a long posts because I tend to get bored to read it all.

I guess you know now the common advises here,statixgurl. So good luck!

[mx3r]

I'm trying to go beyond my level of thinking and not judge this situation that made her make this up to get him out of the house. My issue now is of course trust. I think it's still very possible that she had a relationship with this 40 year old man but she is telling me that she made it up so I wouldn't keep encouraging her to take him to court (when I thought he raped her). It's 50/50. Both is possible. She either made the whole thing up to get him out of the house, or she had a relationship with him and she is protecting him or both. Because she didn't think it would go this far, she told me that she raped him which encouraged me to go to the police. I don't know what to believe because she told me to my face over and over that she was raped by him. She swore on the bible, my life, and her mom, and grandparents life. Now she is saying she made it up and claims she does not remember swearing on anything. The mom is quite lonely and has sacrificed her children's happiness so she can have things done around her house by him. She says that she feels sorry for him and that he is "family". The mother runs her life although she is 18 years old. She is legally blind and uses that to her advantage by making her daughter do everything for her. She limits our time, and sets hours on when we can see each other. I still question the mothers sanity as well.

[Alty]

mx3r, what does you gut say, not your heart, but your gut.

If you decide to continue this relationship then you two have to sit down and talk this through, get to the bottom of this, maybe go to counselling, together and separately.

[Chery]

Starby, and Altenweg.. I have to spread it, but I agree with everything you've said here and wanted you to know that.

ylaira.. you need to read more than skimming over every third word or page - you are missing some crucial points here and if you are trying to master in psychology - you have a long way to go girl. Hope my words are kind enough for you. If you get bored, as stated in your post #36, may I suggest that you pick threads that interest you more before giving your advice - that would really benefit all. Thank you. Oh, and our 'common' advice here is sincere and surely not as helter-skelter as you might think or approve of.

Statixgurl, are you sure you are trying to make things right and getting counseling for yourself or out of desperation to get your guy back. It does sound like you have a habit of doing drastic things to get what you want and it has only backfired on you so far. Are you on a self-destructive trip? Talk to your therapist about your true motives for all of this. Even if you have to go back as far as when and why your father left... maybe you and your sister did actually have something to do about it (subconsciously and didn't know any better because you were/are confused children and desperate) - and your mother was too weak already during that time.

Nevertheless, you think your mother made a mistake.. you feel that everything in your life has been inflicted on you unwillingly. For every action, there is a reaction and unfortunately you have chosen very, very negative reactions so far without considerations of the consequences to anyone else around you (you both obviously were left on your own without any proper guidance). You have not shown your sister much of a proper role-model either, so I would make sure she gets help before she follows your foot-steps.

You are starting to realize the extent of damage done, as in your post #23, and I do laud you for this. I sincerely hope that you will eventually be able to establish a normal life again (you'll never forget what you did, but maybe you can go beyond the guilt and to something constructive in the future).

As for your Mom, well she will continue to be herself, with or without your intervention, and you will have to accept it - so will your sister. You should have taken proper legal steps (or even sought advice in school or church group) against his thefts and that of his 'friends' when they were happening, but it's too late now. Your mother will have to bear living her life as it is, or decide to change it - but it is her choice (we have to sleep in the bed we make).

You can also help your sister by making sure that she learned from your lesson and guide her in a more appropriate direction, if she is willing to accept your guidance.

Now, for your boyfriend.. You have given him one heck of a roller-coaster ride and he needs time to stop spinning and place both feet back on the ground. Leaving him alone to do this is better than acting needy and pushing him further away. And, if you really love him as much as you claim - you will be able to do this because of the love you have for him. He needs this time and deserves it (don't you think?). Besides, you have a lot of work to do on yourself, therefore it would not be good to distract yourself with thoughts and hopes of a better future without achieving your goal of improvement first. In this case actions speak louder than words. Any therapist will tell you that.


mx3r.. It's not totally impossible if you have the background history and can be able to visualize the possibility of improvement. It's a hard ride you had dear, and it is up to you to decide if you want to continue and if you believe her current motives to correct things are valid. It will take you time and she needs to respect that - and give you the time to make your choice. As Altenweg suggested, listen to your gut and maintain 'distant' contact with her if you think it's appropriate. As you feared in your post #37, she could be an habitual liar and does not know the truth herself anymore. This also will be something to work on with her therapist. During this time, I suggest you take a break, collect yourself and take up new activities, new friends and just balance out your life without worrying about their baggage. She has a lot of work to do. Maybe her mom will get help, or not, but that's not your concern, thank goodness. You have a life ahead of you and need to concentrate on that now one step at a time.

Sorry this is so long, but it warrants more than just a few quick words and I hope that things work out for all parties involved. With a little safe distance and self-searching I'm sure there will be balance in time.

Good luck to all of you.

[talaniman]

You both are caught up in a highly emotional situations, so I suggest a cooling off period, so each can have a chance to see how they feel after the rollercoaster ride, and deal with facts, and not just feelings. Take a break, both of you. Leave this situation for cooler heads and open hearts, and minds. Come back, and then talk.