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Sad Soul · Sep 30, 2007, 07:48 PM

Originally Posted by bummedout4

Well i know an area that i lack, which is probably a reaon why i am in this situation, is that i am not a really emotional person and dont always express my feelings. I don't know why but i have always kinda been like that. She has told me that sometimes i didnt show her affection or make her feel loved all the time. I mean i have gotten better at this since i started dating her but i know i still need to improve. But dont get me wrong, i was not cold with her and alwasy hugged and kissed her but sometimes i guess after 4 yrs i didnt show her affection all the time b/c i was comfortable around her. I mean i know its too late to change that but i do want to improve so she can see that i have changed and want to show her my emotions all the time, so that she really knows that i love her so much. I also probably need to be more outgoing. I like to have fun but sometimes if i dont feel comfortable i dont really say much or make an effort to meet new people.

The only way you will prove that you are serious about change is if you show her you are changing even when she is not there. This is when you are talking about the honest and naked truth; that you are going to change and better yourself, no matter what the circumstance.

You need to prove to yourself and to the world that you are damn serious and that you are capable of change. You are proving nothing if you are thinking "well if she were only back I would show her the great change...etc".

Believe me that she will notice, with wonder, if she comes back one day and sees someone who has made good changes in his life. Everyone will notice gold when they see it. So you have to keep working hard (and it's called working hard because it is soooooo so so sooooo so so HARD). It's hard to stay healthy and to keep in shape. It's hard to save money and to not spend it on this and that. It's hard to keep staying positive and to have healthy thoughts. It's hard to improve, but if you make the dedication, and do something small each day to move forward, you will look back and be amazed with yourself. And with practice, what was once very hard starts to slowly become easier.

You can do this. And nothing is better than offering the best of yourself to the world, as well as to the woman that will someday be with you. You have nothing to lose with this plan. Keep working at it! Be serious about wanting to improve. Keep busy. Make some plans.

Easier said than done, I know. But I'm not talking about becoming King Kong over night. Just make mini goals for each day, so that you at least do them. And this will keep you (even if it's slowly) moving forward. There's no place to go but forward.

GOOD LUCK! :)

star3114 · Sep 30, 2007, 08:00 PM

Originally Posted by bummedout4

Well i know an area that i lack, which is probably a reaon why i am in this situation, is that i am not a really emotional person and dont always express my feelings. I don't know why but i have always kinda been like that. She has told me that sometimes i didnt show her affection or make her feel loved all the time. I mean i have gotten better at this since i started dating her but i know i still need to improve. But dont get me wrong, i was not cold with her and alwasy hugged and kissed her but sometimes i guess after 4 yrs i didnt show her affection all the time b/c i was comfortable around her. I mean i know its too late to change that but i do want to improve so she can see that i have changed and want to show her my emotions all the time, so that she really knows that i love her so much. I also probably need to be more outgoing. I like to have fun but sometimes if i dont feel comfortable i dont really say much or make an effort to meet new people.

You know this does not sound like something that is wrong with you. This was just a communication issue, not an inadequacy on your part... so don't beat yourself up about it. My husband and I were having similar issues. I am a really emotional, touchy feely person and he really isn't. I thought that he didn't love me because he wasn't showering me with hugs. That is when someone suggested the book the 7 languages of love. I have no clue who it is by. It really shed some insight on our communication issue. It wasn't that he didn't love me... it is just that his way of showing love was different than mine. Also, my way of showing love was different than his love style... so he often felt alienated too. I am sure there are other books out there on the subject too, but this one really stuck out when you mentioned the issue. Even though you are not in a relationship now, it can help you determine what your love language is, and that of a potential new girlfriend. Good luck!;)

bummedout4 · Sep 30, 2007, 08:13 PM

Thanks for your advice sadsoul and star. I know that there is nothing really wrong with me its just this whole situation has made me feel like there was something I could have done differently that would have avoided this. I mean really its up to her and what she is feeling. My parents took a "break" before they got married for almost half a year and then they realized they were really right for each other. I know I shouldn't move on thinking that we are going to get back together but I know this hope will always be inside of me. So I am going to try to become a better person, stay healthy and show her and the world that I am special and a great person. If someone better comes along then that would be great and if she realizes that I am who she wants, and I still feel the same at that point than that would be great too. I guess time will tell what happens with me and her and if we are really meant to be. So thank you all, I will be on all week at work and venting and reading and learning.

bummedout4 · Sep 30, 2007, 08:30 PM

OK I just thought of something that I want all of your opinon on. So as we left it , we can still call each other and she still wants to hear from me and whatever. So, do I say something to her like I am not going to call you anymore, if you want to talk call me? Or do I just not say anything and just let her contact me whenever she wants to? I don't want her to get the impression that I am going to call her from time to time and when I don't that I am mad at her or don't care anymore. Do I say anything or just let it play out?

Sad Soul · Sep 30, 2007, 08:41 PM

Originally Posted by bummedout4

ok i just thought of something that i want all of your opinon on. So as we left it , we can still call each other and she still wants to hear from me and whatever. So, do i say something to her like i am not going to call you anymore, if you want to talk call me? or do i just not say anything and just let her contact me whenever she wants to? I dont want her to get the impression that i am going to call her from time to time and when i don't that i am mad at her or don't care anymore. Do i say anything or just let it play out?

You can say whatever you have to say AFTER she contacts you. If she tells you anything along the lines of "call me, cause I want to be friends" then you should tell her how you feel, but in a mature way.

You should tell her that you will not be contacting her, and that you feel it is best to move on because right now you feel as though you two had a real love, and so it's hard to switch that to friendship. But then, maybe a few years from now, when the emotional dust has settled, it would be healthy to be friends. Someone posted that for me and I thought it was great. You won't beat yourself up over wondering if you guys parted with her maybe thinking you're not going after her because you don't care. You won't think any of that. She will leave knowing you love her, but that you are also MOVING ON!

I said that before to you on a post. I think it's all pretty safe and healthy to follow.

I know this is all emotionally draining. So please give yourself a break, and leave a little of what's between you two up to nature. Right now, your only responsibility is to work on yourself.

bummedout4 · Sep 30, 2007, 08:46 PM

Originally Posted by Sad Soul

You can say whatever you have to say AFTER she contacts you. If she tells you anything along the lines of "call me, cause I want to be friends" then you should tell her how you feel, but in a mature way.

You should tell her that you will not be contacting her, and that you feel it is best to move on because right now you feel as though you two had a real love, and so it's hard to switch that to friendship. But then, maybe a few years from now, when the emotional dust has settled, it would be healthy to be friends. Someone posted that for me and I thought it was great. You won't beat yourself up over wondering if you guys parted with her maybe thinking you're not going after her because you don't care. You won't think any of that. She will leave knowing you love her, but that you are also MOVING ON!

I said that before to you on a post. I think it's all pretty safe and healthy to follow.

I know this is all emotionally draining. So please give yourself a break, and leave a little of what's between you two up to nature. Right now, your only responsibility is to work on yourself.

Thanks , I agree that things just have to work themselves out and start moving forward. I appreciate the insight.

madaman · Sep 30, 2007, 08:48 PM

I would wait, and if she phones/texts you again just let her know that not talking is a big part of your healing. You could tell her that until she wants you back to not phone you if you are really worried she might be think you don't love her anymore.

You are putting too much thought into how you are going to communicate to her telling her you can't communicate with her anymore! (ive read that sentence 3 times and I 'think' its proper english)

mckenzie134 · Oct 1, 2007, 05:11 AM

You are absolutely no chnce of getting her back at the moment!! You sound like a wussie and she is just dragging you along at the moment. What are you talking about telling her your not going to call she doesn't care she doesn't want you anymore weell at least at the moment. So please STOP all the CRAP I don't car if your parents got back together all your looking for is false hope!! SHE Isn't Coming BACK CHAMP!! You're the NEW GIRLFRIEND NOW..
If you want to get this chick back Don't speak to her and don't answer tell her your not wanting the same and your ready for a relationship and she's noT!! SIMPLE Don't let her use you mate that is all she is doing I GUARANTEE that..
You can't see it but she is

Don't be used and donr=t me an oidiot your not thinking clarly ring her up and tell her yourve thought about things and its best if its just completely OVER cause you want someone who wants a healthy relationship cause that's the truth!! If she wants that she will contact you aonce she takes it all in probably in about two weeks when she isn't hearing from you...

bummedout4 · Oct 1, 2007, 06:25 AM

Originally Posted by mckenzie134

You are absolutely no chnce of getting her back at the moment!!! You sound like a wussie and she is just dragging you along at the moment. What are you talking about telling her your not gunna call she doesnt care she doesnt want you anymore weell at least at the moment. So please STOP all the CRAP i dont car if your parents got back together all your looking for is false hope!!!SHE AINT COMIN BACK CHAMP!!!YOUR THE NEW GIRLFRIEND NOW..
If you wanna get this chick back DONT speak to her and dont answer tell her your not wanting the same and your ready for a relationship and shes noT!!!!!! SIMPLE Dont let her use you mate that is all she is doing i GUARANTEE that..
You can't see it but she is

Dont be used and donr=t me an oidiot your not thinking clarly ring her up and tell her yourve thought about things and its best if its just completely OVER cause you want someone who wants a healthy relationship cause thats the truth!!! If she wants that she will contact you aonce she takes it all in probly in about two weeks when she aint hearing from you...

Thanks mckenzie, I know I am not really helping myself out at the moment. I know I should just tell her how I feel about all of this and that I don't want to be just friends. So if or when she is ready to commit to me then to call me then. Its just hard because I don't want to push her away but I also don't want to be played around with. I am going to see what happens, she hasn't contacted me since last week so we will see when she finally does. So I guess I will move on from there. Thanks again, I know I am weak and this is making me realize some issues I have with myself such as a lower self-esteem than I thought. Hopefully this week is better than last week and so on.

WC583 · Oct 1, 2007, 06:44 AM

All right man... you need to listen to me since I am in the Same situation as you and this all started the same time that yours did... kind of freaky. Well anyway I'm 18 and my ex is 16 and we went out for 1 year and 2 months. Well she just got her drivers licence and I think that she just wants to be free and do what she wants at the moment. She thought that I didn't care about her anymore and so she wanted to be just friends. I have realized so much about my feelings for her through this break and she then tells me that she does see a future with us together but just not right now. I have been depressed for a while and actually didn't eat for 4 days at one time and lost 15 pounds... well my mom got me this book about depression and one thing that really made me feel good is talking about going with the flow. It tells me that I have to just quit worrying about it and live in the now. It then refers to a tomato plant in saying.. "A tomato seed will not grow good if you dig it up every 20 min and check its progress... you have to just let nature take its course and live life" I have found that by me not talking has in a way given me some power in this whole situation. I didn't talk to her at all for 3 days and although it was very hard... I was starting to feel pretty good about it. Then yesterday she instant messages me and I feel weak and we start talking for about 10 min.. Then she says she needs to go. After the conversation I felt that I now need to start all back over and I lost all of the progress that I was making in this whole situation and that I lost the power that I was gaining. Oh and I'm also in the same situation since she is going to homecoming with this guy who is head over heels for her and he tries so hard to win her over by sweet talking her and such... its really hard but I do feel better after not talking to her... in a way she is playing you and you need to stop playing her game and start playing your own. Contact me if you need to tilak because our situations are very similar

bummedout4 · Oct 1, 2007, 06:53 AM

Originally Posted by WC583

Alright man... you need to listen to me since I am in the EXACT same situation as you and this all started the same exact time that yours did... kinda freaky. Well anyways im 18 and my ex is 16 and we went out for 1 year and 2 months. Well she just got her drivers licence and i think that she just wants to be free and do what she wants at the moment. She thought that i didnt care about her anymore and so she wanted to be just friends. I have realized so much about my feelings for her through this break and she then tells me that she does see a future with us together but just not right now. I have been depressed for a while and actually didnt eat for 4 days at one time and lost 15 pounds... well my mom got me this book about depression and one thing that really made me feel good is talking about going with the flow. It tells me that i have to just quit worrying about it and live in the now. It then refers to a tomato plant in saying.. "A tomato plant will not grow good if you dig it up every 20 min and check its progress... you have to just let nature take its course and live life" I have found that by me not talking has in a way given me some power in this whole situation. I didnt talk to her at all for 3 days and although it was very hard... i was starting to feel pretty good about it. Then yesterday she instant messages me and i feel weak and we start talking for about 10 min.. then she says she needs to go. After the conversation i felt that i now need to start all back over and i lost all of the progress that i was making in this whole situation and that i lost the power that i was gaining. Oh and im also in the same situation since she is going to homecoming with this guy who is head over heels for her and he tries so hard to win her over by sweet talking her and such... its really hard but i do feel better after not talking to her... in a way she is playing you and you need to stop playing her game and start playing your own. Contact me if you need to tilak because our situations are very simular

Thanks for your comments. Yeah it looks like we have pretty similar situations so hopefully they work out for both of us.

WC583 · Oct 1, 2007, 07:05 AM

Hey no problem... I actually just registered so that I could answer this question. I will keep you posted as to how the progress is coming with mine as well and if this strategy works. My situation is of course a hell of a lot deeper than what I told you but I just gave you the story in a nut shell... hope it helps

bummedout4 · Oct 1, 2007, 07:09 AM

Thanks again , well to let everyone know, I am going to text my ex today because I know she has a big finance test today and I just want to wish her luck. Is that bad? I just want her to know that I care about her and want her to do well, also that I am thinking of her. Other than this though I am not calling her or texting her again until she contacts me. I guess its breaking NC but I feel like I should for this one exception.

WC583 · Oct 1, 2007, 07:15 AM

I don't think that I would do it even though I would want to. I think that if you seem too desperate or too concerned, it will push her farthur away... you want her to miss you and that can't happen if you keep contact or keep butting into her life. I like the idea but I don't think it will help... She already knows how you feel for her and she already knows that the ball is in her court and such... you have done and said all that you can and I think you should just go with the flow for right now

bummedout4 · Oct 1, 2007, 10:26 AM

Well everyone today has been a difficult day so far. I woke up and I just felt like today was going to be an emotional day. It doesn't help that its really rainy and crappy out so it makes me more depressed. I just got back from lunch break and I pretty much was a wreck and really emotional. I don't know how to shake this and its taking a lot out of me. Should I sit down and talk to her one last time to really make my point clear of what I want and she needs to telll me what she wants to do? Its been 3 weeks and I feel like I am being dragged behind with false hope and no real answers. I just need to know what she is thinking and what she is feeling for me and if she has thought about anything during this time. I can't keep getting my hopes up and thinking that she will come around and realize I am right for her. I don't think I can be just a friend right now because I want much more than that. I really need some closure on where we stand and what she is feeling about the future. Its going to be hard for me to have this discussion with her because I don't want to give her an ultimatum but I am starting to see that I don't know if I have another choice. If I keep waiting this out and just not contacting her and the days go by and we still talk here and there I will keep thinking I have a chance and will give me hope, false or not. I am just so tired of crying and hoping and praying that things will work out for me and us. I really don't know what else to do. I know I have been over this over and over and all of you have helped me a lot but I don't know what else to do and its not letting me move forward. I don't want to push her away further so I don't know if I should even talk to her or wait for her to contact me and then bring it up. I just hate not knowing if she even cares anymore or if its even on her mind. If this is a bad idea , please talk me out of it!

talaniman · Oct 1, 2007, 10:27 AM

I guess its breaking NC but I feel like I should for this one exception.

You can come up with any excuse you want, it still is an excuse. call to keep that false hope alive, Then start over with the healing. But expect no sympathy from anyone, when you find that it was a mistake to break your healing through no contact.

If this is a bad idea , please talk me out of it!

To have those feelings now and again, is normal and human. To act on them because you have them, would be STU(not smart or healthy)PID.

madaman · Oct 1, 2007, 11:46 AM

Seriously just fight the urge to call. I can tell you from personal experience that nothing good will come out of it. Just walk away and start your healing!

bummedout4 · Oct 1, 2007, 11:50 AM

So I shouldn't call and ask to speak to her. I still feel like she is doing whatever she wants with no consequences because she knows I want her and want to be with her no matter what. How do I make it clear to her that she needs to make a decision and not leave me hanging ? Can NC alone accomplish this? Shouldn't I make it clear to her by telling her that when she knows what she wants she can contact me. I don't think she really knows how I feel about that, so I feel like I should tell her, even though I know its going to be hard.

smoothy · Oct 1, 2007, 11:54 AM

You need to wake up and smell the coffee man. The woman needs to grow up, and you need to wake up and see she's got you p**y whipped. Be a man and look for a more mature woman without this sort of drama. There are lots of women out there that will respect you.

madaman · Oct 1, 2007, 11:58 AM

The sad reality of it is that she is gone. You are still worrying about what she thinks of this and you, but she clearly doesn't care or else this situation wouldn't have happened in the first place.

If you don't want to be 'strung along' or left as backup, you don't need to tell her anything. You need to walk away and save what little self confidence and pride you might have left.

Do you want to look back on this years from now and see yourself groveling for her to only be shot down, or do you want to look back and be proud that you walked away from someone who didn't deserve you?